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Luaky Commer

A Harry Potter spoof created by Thande and later contributed to by luakel himself as an executive writer. The second The Series piece starring members, after GBW's Back to OTL.


Luaky Commer often parodies Harry Potter by setting the action firstly in America, and secondly in the modern information age. AH clichés are used instead of magical items and spells. It also pokes fun at the borderline racist attitudes of even the 'good guys' in Harry Potter toward Muggles, or here, OTLers (a favourite rant of Flocculencio's). Finally, there is a running joke that Luaky is in fact, not special at all, but Mike Collins keeps going after him because he happens to be closest (parodying the way Harry Potter seems to become more 'special' and unique with each book).



Young Luaky Commer of Cincinnati, Ohio, thinks he is just a normal boy, living in horrible deprivation (caviar only THREE times a day!) with his Uncle Ward and cousin Chingo. But things change when DMA visits and informs him he's an Althistorian, with a place at the School of Alternate History. After a brief trip to collect his things at Coincident Alley, he's off to

Enroute he meets future friend Othniel Canada and temporary nemesis Borat. Upon arriving at, they are sorted into one of the four Houses - Pornwatcher, Fudgepacker, Knowitall and Miseryguts.

In the first year, Luaky and Leo make friends with Leo Caesius and stop the Dark Lord Mike Collins from getting the Stoned Philosopher (Straha). In the process, Borat is shot dead by Ward and GBW has his face torn off by Mynx - blaming Commer, he becomes the new nemesis.

In his second year, Luaky is forced to deal with being accused of a series of Implausifryings around the school, supposedly by the Heir of Miseryguts. It transpires that Chingo, who was attending that year, was possessed by the spirit of Mike Collins hidden in a doobie. At the end, Collins manages to possess Straha instead. We are introduced to new characters, such as Thermopylae.

In the third year, Luaky is hunted by the escaped criminal Serious Matt and supposedly 'protected' by the malevolent Phonespammers of Azerbaijan. Imajin and Hermanubis give him the Pornhoarder's BAM, which he later learns was made by his new teachers Grey Wolf and Diamond. The secret of the Servant of Mike Collins is uncovered, and the Servant escapes with the possessed Straha to seek out Collins himself.

Settings School of Alternate History: America's premier school of AH, located somewhere in California, not far from the Althistorical town of Iansburg. Despite being entirely unmagical, it has moving staircases, walking suits of armour etc. thanks to an elaborate Disney-style system run by G.Bone.

Briefly renamed “Crazy Bruno's Lesbian Madhouse” by Doctor What.

Coincident Alley: Located in London, Ontario, this is a street of Althistorical shops from which Althistorians can buy their supplies. It is hidden behind a brick wall, and can only be accessed by knocking the brick wall down.

Ohio: Home to Luakel, Ward and Chingo.

New York: The Intercity Express leaves from Platform Pi at New York Station.

Iansburg: A little Althistorical town in California not far from Points of interest include Sir Francis Unwise's Emporium of Solid Gold Fembots, the Golden Showers (a Genuine Fake Irish Pub) and the Shirking Shed, where all the truants hang out.

Azerbaijan: The Althistorical prison. The whole country of Azerbaijan was evacuated by the Ottoman Empire after they killed the entire population of Armenia in the Armenian Genocide ( ;) ) and, to cover this up, the Ottomans shifted all the Azerbaijanis into empty Armenia. This left Azerbaijan empty, and it was taken over by UNALTHIST (the United Nations Alternate History Taskforce) to be used as a maximum-security prison for Althistorical criminals. The most dangerous prisoner is held in the old presidential palace, and is thus nicknamed 'the President of Azerbaijan'. The prison is guarded by the Phonespammers of Azerbaijan.

The Four Houses

PORNWATCHER: Noble, brave, and like watching porn.

KNOWITALL: Wise and boy, do they let you know it.

FUDGEPACKER: The Gaysexuals.

MISERYGUTS: The ones who spoil it for everyone else by failing to understand other humans.


Only a partial cast list ready at the moment. The character whose role they fill in Harry Potter is in brackets.

  • luakel- Luaky U. Commer (Harry Potter)
  • Othniel- Oth Canada (Ron Weasley)
  • Michael - Michael Cassa (Dean Thomas)
  • GBW- GBW Reaper (Neville Longbottom and then Draco Malfoy)
  • Doctor What- Professor Dr. Bruno-us What, Headmaster (Albus Dumbledore)
  • IronYuppie- Professor Erikka IronYuppie, Teacher of Transformation (Minerva McGonagall)
  • Landshark- Professor Peterus Landshark, Teacher of Alternate Culture (Filius Flitwick)
  • Thande- Professor Blameius Thande, Teacher of Alternate Chemistry (Severus Snape)
  • Flocculencio- Professor Aymdabadguyus/Goatius Flocc, Teacher of Piracy and Keira Knightley Studies (Quirinius Quirrell and then Pomona Sprout)
  • Grey Wolf- Professor Incánus Wolfe, third-year Teacher of Da Fence Against Da Ark Darts (Remus Lupin)
  • Mike Collins- The Dark Lord Collins of Texas, Y'all-Know-Who,'Boy (Voldemort)
  • Straha- David Straha, the Stoned Philospher
  • Diamond - J. Diamond, cartographer extraordinaire, owner of a map shop in Coincident Alley and latterly Professor of Cartography at (Sybill Trelawney)
  • Zoomar - runs the Podder shop on Coincident Alley (Mr Ollivander)
  • GirlsGoFishing - Mike Collins' former bride, killed at the end of the first film
  • DominusNovus - Professor Dominus Novus, second-year teacher of Da Fence Against Da Ark Darts, latterly known as Domina Nova (Gilderoy Lockhart)
  • DMA - DMA, an Australian doing odd jobs for Headmaster What (Hagrid)
  • Weapon M - “Nearly Weaponless M” (he hates this nickname), a ghost (Nearly Headless Nick)
  • Floid - Antonius Floid, the caretaker and GBW's rival for Kilngirl's affections (Argus Filch)
  • G.Bone - a behind-the-scenes character who secretly operates all's moving staircases and secret passages. Usually seen dressed in a suit of armour
  • Kit - Kittus Morganus, a student in Fudgepacker House
  • Kilngirl - Kilngirl Howery, a student in Knowitall House
  • Dave Howery - a general in the American Alternate History Army and father of Kilngirl
  • Kidblast - a student in Knowitall House
  • Mr_Bondoc - The Secretary for the Department of Althistorical Affairs (Cornelius Fudge)
  • Matt - Serious Matt, apparent antagonist in the third film (Sirius Black)
  • Tinfoil - Stannus Phoilus (Peter Pettigrew)
  • HelloLegend - the shapeshifting Servant of Mike Collins (Peter Pettigrew also)

stories/luaky_commer.txt · Last modified: 2019/03/29 15:14 (external edit)