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Burton K Wheeler
formerly The Bald Imposter
To quote Dave Howery: Burton K. Wheeler is a liar. [S]he lies all the time. [S]he especially lies on the subject of gender and sexual preference. When [s]he posts, automatically assume [s]he's lying. The only time [s]he doesn't lie is when [s]he says that [s]he lies all the time. And [s]he never says that, so, for all practical purposes, [s]he lies all the time.
Also apparently a Rapist Dolphin. Strangely, this revelation has nothing to do with the ASB forum.
Was selected as Mod for the Alternate History Forums on November 29, 2010.
Supposedly a member of the Fucked Up Trio.
(Mostly inadvertent) Nicknames
- Badlei (from drunk Thande, suggesting he's a below-standard Hawaiian flower garland)
- Blakey (“I 'ate you, Nelson!”)
- The Baldster (by Nekromans)
- Slaphead (given to him by Fellatio Nelson in the early days)
- Big Stupid Dinosaur (given to him by a kid he was babysitting)
- Mr. Imposter
- (in response to innuendo by Kit and Fell, or the Creepy Hetero Teens slavering after a new female member)
Baldie founded the practice of Baldian Smileyology, in which prominent members are associated with a particular smiley. Baldie himself, of course, is associated with the :mad: smiley.
Actual Alternate History contributions
The Bald Imposter has started and abandoned after one post some of the Board's most ambitious and fascinating timelines.
A Most Fortunate Arrow (POD: Gracchus the Elder is killed fighting Iberian rebels in 150 B.C.) featured reformed Roman Republic that made Carthage a vassal, a New Alexandrian Empire, and ethnic shuffling that would put Thermopylae to shame. This TL is still active, and “very intensive research” is to blame for the fact that it hasn't been updated since mid-2006.
The Danelaw of Britain (POD: Alfred of Wessex is defeated by the Great Heathen Army in 870 A.D.)
Wrote a short fiction piece called A Matter of Titles, which was widely hailed as hilarious and brilliant.
Asks about the Volga Germans in any TL with a POD between 1763 and 1941.
Err…that's about it, really.
Baldie is a member of the Keep Everything The Way It Was Before Party and is one of their MPs. He has also been appointed as a Special Cabinet Minister by Acting President Sargon holding the position of High Strategos of the AH.com Marines.
Appearances in AH.com Fiction
Baldie has made appearances in several episodes of AH.com The Series.
Appears in Doctor What's Snake Oil, as Michael Baldwin.
Features in Fell's story Dial M for Elastic as Baldie the Cugly, King of Thandalistan.
Features in There'll Always Be An England as Sergeant Theodore Baldwin.