Table of Contents
Dial M for Elastic
An ongoing story by Fellatio Nelson. Like some of his earlier efforts, it is set in a fictionalised late Victorian age, featuring numerous terribly English gentlemen.
You can find it here.
Overview
The unknown country of Thandistan (or Thandalistan), among the mountains between China, Nepal and Bhutan, is the world's largest source of elastic. The British wish to obtain Thandalistan as a protectorate in order to use this elastic to make elastic redcoat uniforms against which foreign bullets will simply bounce off. Yet Thandalistan conceals many dark secrets…
Cast in order of appearance
Thande: Sir Thomas Ribb-Tikkler Thande, one of Her Majesty's intelligence agents, undercover as a valet on the SS Pondicherry. Heads the expedition to Thandalistan.
MrP: The lunatic surgeon-physician Mister Oestrogen Pee, MD, FRCS, FRCP. Violent francophobe and friend of Flocc. Part of the expedition.
Flocculencio: Colonel Phileas Flocc, erstwhile commanding officer of the 5th Rajputana Rifles. Part of the expedition.
Abdul Hadi Pasha: Captain Abdul Hadi Pasha of the Ottoman Zeppelin Corps. Renegade airship captain.
Faeelin: Captain Abdul's curiously sarcastic Pekinese lapdog.
Aozhouhuaren: Hendryk's Chinese/Australian sidekick.
Hendryk: French warlord in southwestern China. Has two beautiful concubines from French Indochina called Phuc Mi and Phuc Yu. Old friend of Thande and Abdul.
Doctor What: Father Bruno What, a clergyman defrocked for his activity with the nuns. Expert on lesbians. Assistant of Dr Leo in his archaeological excavations in Thandalistan.
Leo Caesius: Doctor Leo Caesius of the North American Academy of Foreign Stuff. In Thandalistan performing archaeological excavations, but his superstitious native bearers have deserted him.
The Dean: Lieutenant Colonel The Reverend Dean Martin, padre to the ill-fated British expedition to capture Thandistan back in ’76. Important in the prisoner-of-war camp in the Thandali capital.
Jason: A POW in the prison camp and friend of the Dean.
Cyrrylia: St Cyril the Inherent, ancient Thandalese woodland saint of private and public property. Smites down any who misuse his private (and yet public) property.
Beauhooligan: Mister Boo Hoo Hooligan. A suit-clad man with a stove pipe hat, a grey beard, a guitar slung on his back, and a small wooden trailer with squeaking pram wheels pulled behind him. Rescues Leo and Doc from the curse of Cyril using his hallucinogenic snuff. Ex-US Navy, jumped ship from the USS Endoscope in Yokohama.
Torqumada: An American medic in the POW camp, currently making a clay statue of his perfect woman, but has run out of clay when it came to doing the torso.
Glen: Another American medic in the POW camp.
The Bald Imposter: King Baldie the Cugly, ruler of Thandalistan. Wears a ceremonial Viking costume and his stronghold is modelled on Valhalla.
Nekromans: Page Nek, Baldie's servant.
The Mists of Time: A Baldian priest in Baldie's household. Made a seven-foot-tall statue of the Triple Goddess of Thandistan, but ran out of clay before he got to doing the tail and udders.
hypern: A mad prophet kept in a cage by Baldie, who writes badly-spelled prophecies in chalk on a slab of pavement.
Landshark: Baldie's chief torturer.
VulcanTrekkie45: Landshark's asssistant.
The Gingerons: A race driven underground by Baldie in ages past.