Setting the Stage 6: Can’t Touch This
1990, a brand-new decade full of promise and change! The neon 1980s are all but gone, but their lingering culture holds on, even as a new black lace and red flannel ennui starts to set in. Goth and Grunge are still underground scenes while Rap and Hip Hop have begun their unstoppable climb into the mainstream culture. The manic wealth-seeking capitalist boom time of the 1980s is settling into a slow, lingering recession.
Music in general is in the midst of a major transition, and at the moment it is all over the map. The sensual dance of the Lambada threatens to singlehandedly destroy American morality. MC Hammer vies with the B-52s, Sinead O’Conner, and New Kids on the Block for Billboard slots. Glam Rock is holding on for its dear life with Bon Jovi’s oddly apropos “Blaze of Glory” clinging to the charts.
Meanwhile, in another world,
The Simpsons debuts on Fox as a primetime cartoon. Along with
The Simpsons,
Tiny Toon Adventures will debut and mark a new and exciting era in TV animation (one already underway in this timeline).
Married with Children will appear as an anathema to
The Cosby Show while the wacky world of the wealthy will be revealed to the unwashed masses via
Beverly Hills 90210 and (in a more comedic vein)
Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Many of the lingering hits of the ‘80s, like
Miami Vice,
Alf, and
Pee Wee’s Playhouse, will end. Meanwhile, the surreal David Lynch series
Twin Peaks will have the world asking “Who Killed Laura Palmer?” much as they asked “Who Shot JR?” ten years earlier. They will quickly get their answer – an answer that according to Lynch didn’t matter because that wasn’t the point – and with that revelation they will tune out and the show will die on a cliffhanger.
Makes just as much sense in context (Image source “gifer.com”)
The silver screen in that other world will be dominated by the “high concept” films that Michael Eisner so loved.
Ghost,
Home Alone, and
Pretty Woman will rule the box office, as will Western Epic
Dances with Wolves, borderline-campy Sci-Fi adventure
Total Recall, and (in another hit for Schwarzenegger) the comedy
Kindergarten Cop, which I have personally dubbed “the last ‘80s movie” (it begins with a shootout in a shopping mall wearing Members Only jackets for one). Jim Henson’s Creature Shop will amaze audiences by bringing the
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to life. And despite a mind-numbing blitz of saturation-marketing, the horror/comedy
Arachnophobia, advertised as a “Thrillomedy”, underperforms[1].
Sure to be a big hit
In the world, East and West Germany, divided since the end of World War II, will reunite following the fall of the Berlin Wall the year before, a joyous symbolic end to the Cold War that had dominated the world order for decades. The world breathes a huge sigh of relief with the possibility that Humanity just might not drive itself extinct any time soon. We celebrate by consuming more products, energy, and fossil fuels, knowing that nothing bad can possibly happen to us now.
The dominoes start to fall at amazing speed in the Soviet Bloc. Lech Walesa becomes president of Poland after his Solidarity movement stands up to the Soviets. Free elections are held in Romania and former premier Nicolae Ceaușescu will face trial and execution for his actions in the prior decades. Before long, the Soviet Union itself will fall.
In the west, Margaret Thatcher resigns as Prime Minister. British and French workers shake hands deep under the English Channel symbolically marking a milestone in the creation of the Chunnel and a symbolic milestone for European Unity.
I’m sure this sense of continental brotherhood will last forever (Image source “tunneltalk.com”)
In Switzerland, Tim Berners-Lee publishes his formal proposal for the World Wide Web to CERN. The Hubble Space Telescope launches to much celebration, only to quickly discover that it needs glasses.
In South Africa great hope arises when Nelson Mandela is released from prison.
The UN launches a formal ban on the Ivory Trade.
Iraq under Saddam Hussein invades Kuwait, setting the stage for a perfect little war that will convince America that wars in the Middle East are quick, simple, and largely bloodless things thanks to smart weapons. Shirts for “Iraqnophobia” hit the malls of America.
“War? What is it Good For? Selling lots of T-Shirts (say it again!)” (Image source “pintrest.com”)
And in the biggest scandal of the year (and in the tradition of ending these damned things on a silly note), musicians Milli Vanilli are exposed as lip-syncers. The press will redub them “Phony Baloney”. Betrayed America will never be the same again.
Just as real as a live performance
[1] It combined the spine-tingling terror of
Caddyshack with the endless laughs of
The Exorcist.
