American cow jokes:
CSA:
Socialist Republic of America: You have two cows, which are slowly wasting away amid the famine and depression. One dies in the Revolution as you try to get feed for them to keep your farm solvent. The government attempts to pre-empt further famines and depressions by regulating the corrupt businesses that caused the mess in the first place, but the whole thing turns into a byzantine mess because of the awkward hybrid of state-owned and private industries. Still, you have a surviving cow, and the government is doing what they can to help your farm recover.
Commonwealth of America: You have two cows, which are slowly wasting away amid the famine and depression. One dies in the Revolution as you try to get feed for them to keep your farm solvent. The new government organizes the animals on your farm into a democratic cooperative as part of a broader attempt to hyper-democratize everything. You and your neighbors get together and build a new farm, then pool your resources and start breeding all your cows to rebuild your herds as a new, larger, communal herd that you all raise together. The country's still a wreck and you have to spend a third of your time in town meetings, but at least your voice is being heard.
USAS (Browder): You have two cows, which are slowly wasting away amid the famine and depression. One dies in the Revolution as you try to get feed for them to keep your farm solvent. The new government seizes your surviving cow for the betterment of the New Socialist Order.
USAS (Foster): You have two cows, which are slowly wasting away amid the famine and depression. One dies in the Revolution as you try to get feed for them to keep your farm solvent. The new government legalizes suicide and your surviving cow commits government-assisted suicide after criticizing Comrade Foster.
AUS:
Huey: You have two cows, which are slowly wasting away amid the famine and depression. One dies restoring America for the Kingfish, and the other has an AFP logo branded onto it by the new government. Better not object, because every patriotic American man loves Huey Long if he knows what's good for him. At least Huey gave you some cash to keep you going while he figures out how to fix the economy.
Business Plot: You have two cows, which are slowly wasting away amid the famine and depression. One dies restoring America against unpatriotic influences and traitors. The new government confiscates your other cow and offers to sell it back to you with a Ford logo branded onto it. Any protestation is Unpatriotic and Treasonous against the great Mr. Ford, and punishable by termination of your life contract by Mr. Ford's privatized death commandos.
Christian Commonwealth: You have two cows, which are slowly wasting away amid the famine and depression. One dies fighting to cleanse America of treasonous and unpatriotic elements, and the pernicious influence of the Negro-Judeo-Bolshevik Illuminati and their Germano-Assyrian puppets. The other is shot by the new government on suspicion of being racially impure. It was dying anyway, though, because vaccines and antibiotics are un-Christian and corrupt the White Anglo-Saxon Race (so sayeth Chief Pelley).
USA:
MacArthur (American Caesar): You have two cows, which are slowly wasting away amid the famine and depression. One dies defending America against treasonous forces. The other is shot on suspicion of political radicalism by the new junta.
MacArthur (American Cincinnatus): You have two cows, which are slowly wasting away amid the famine and depression. One dies defending America against treasonous forces. The other avoids political radicalism if it knows what's good for it.
Olson (negotiate with both): You have two cows, which are slowly wasting away amid the famine and depression. The President nearly gets everybody to agree on a way to save both cows, but is couped and shot by junta forces when your landlord says he cares too much about your cows. See MacArthur options.
Olson (negotiate with Reed only): You have two cows, which are slowly wasting away amid the famine and depression. The President attempts to save both, but one dies in a rebellion led by Huey Long. The President helps you get enough feed for the other cow anyway.
Garner (do nothing): You have two cows, which are slowly wasting away amid the famine and depression. The President says that doing anything would be against the principles of the free market, so the military coups him, and the country falls apart in sheer rage. See MacArthur options.
Garner (compromise with Long): You have two cows, which are slowly wasting away amid the famine and depression. The President cuts a deal with Huey Long to get you a month's worth of feed. Jack Reed points out that this won't actually solve the structural problem that has led to the famine and depression, and a third of the country gives up on the government and secedes. One of your cows dies in the rebellion. In the aftermath, your landlord swears up and down that he'll give you a square deal this time, really!
Landon; You have two cows, which are slowly wasting away amid the famine and depression. The President tries to make some token changes to save both, but it's not enough to save them, and the country collapses as half the country thinks he should've done more. In the aftermath, your surviving cow is fed by a federal farm-relief program.
PSA:
You have two cows, which are slowly wasting away amid the famine and depression. When MacArthur launches his coup, you tell him to sod off, because this is America, by jingo, and we're a democracy, not a dictatorship.
New England:
You have two cows, which are slowly wasting away amid the famine and depression. When the civil war breaks out, the Canadians invade and set up a puppet regime. Don't object, or your still-starving cows will be shot for seditious Syndicalist propaganda-mongering. But you're part of the Entente, so obviously this is a glorious democratic utopia where the King is good and nobody ever objects because they love King Eddie just that much! Don't dispute this obvious fact or Minitru will torture humanely interrogate you to death before you sadly expire of a tragic heart attack.