Having learned nothing from the 2008 US presidential election, America decided to have another one.
In November 2008, Barack Obama was elected as the nation's first black president (Morgan Freeman doesn't count). With Obama possessing the largest popular mandate since 1988, the Republicans decided to recognise this and constructively work with him. Then after wiping the laugh spittle off their monitors they decided to criticise everything from the way he took the presidential oath on out. Republicans spent the next 4 years complaining that Obama was a gay atheist socialist extremist, while Democrats spent the next 4 years complaining that he wasn't.
Obama decided to reform healthcare, something that no American president has ever failed at doing, except all of them. The plan was scuppered with the death of Ted Kennedy, the Republicans pointing out that him having healthcare hadn't stopped him from dying, and Republican supermodel Scott “Charlie” Brown won Massachusetts by using his abs to blind all the Democratic voters into not finding the polling stations. This was followed in 2010 by the Republicans winning everything everywhere with the 'help' of the Tea Party movement and its unerring ability to find Republican candidates who were certain to win, and then primary them.
Then Obama killed Osama, a headline that confused Fox News proofreaders for the next six months.
Speculation over the Republican nominee for the 2012 presidential election began five minutes before the Big Bang. The Republicans proceeded to host an entertaining and colourful series of primaries for months and months before just nominating the runner-up from last time like they do every bloody presidential election. This man was well-known Reed Richards cosplayer “Oven” Mitt Romney, a multimillionaire businessman and a Mormon, two facts that would be endlessly repeated by the media for the next 18 months due to being unable to find anything else of note to say about him. The only thing that came close was that he tied his dog to the roof of his car. But, as the Republicans pointed out, Obama eats them. “Obama eats cars?” the Democrats wittily responded. “Of course, why else did you think he bailed out GM, otherwise he'd have starved” pointed out the Republicans.
The Republican Party decided on some new primary rules to make things more interesting, such as making the results more proportional and also only opening the primaries to candidates with names that passed a certain threshold of silliness. Gary Johnson, the man with the most stereotypically average name in the United States, was therefore barred from standing. Grumpily saying he would start his own party with blackjack and hookers, he ended up standing for the Libertarians instead. The remaining candidates were not the Republicans' A-list, who stayed out. Indeed, the primaries were basically a fight between Mitt Romney and nothing. Unfortunately, nothing kept winning. The nothing consisted of:
Of course the most important part of the primaries was the epic bet between Thande and Mowque, which Mowque won by realising that the obvious fact that the primaries were indicating that nobody at all liked Mitt Romney would not stop the Republicans from nominating him.
When the nomination was finally settled, the campaign itself began. Mitt Romney decided to appease disgruntled Ron Paul supporters by making his VP somebody of the same ethnic group as Paul–people with two first names instead of a first name and surname. Paul Ryan therefore became the VP candidate, at least until he was hospitalised after being beaten to a pulp by Joe Biden and thus vanished from the airwaves for the remainder of the campaign. Clint Eastwood shouted at an empty chair which Romney offered to fill with one of the women from out of the collection he had pressed in binders. The American ambassador in Benghazi was killed by a mob, after which Romney complained that Obama had not provided enough horses and bayonets to protect him from terrorists. Obama had a famous encounter with a normally Republican voting pizza place guy who gave him a bearhug. The Republicans kicked themselves for not having nominated Herman Cain, turns out that pizza did play a crucial role in deciding the election. Obama had a disappointing debate performance due to being possessed by the ghost of John Denver and then a better two. The media constantly went on and on about how close it was. Meanwhile Nate Silver quietly pointed out that at no point across the whole campaign had Romney led, and was promptly ignored. Then on election night Obama won by a sizeable amount and the media pointed out how surprising it was, causing TV viewing figures in AH.com households to drop overnight due to the number of bricks thrown at TV screens.
Far more importantly from an AH.com perspective, in Massachusetts Scott “Charlie” Brown had the football pulled away from him by Elizabeth Warren, an actual proper left-wing person, in America, no really. A new era seems set to dawn, at least until the next election puts everything back again like it always does. And let the 2016 speculation begin!