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2016 US Presidential Election

Having found the 2012 cycle to be a bit boring on the whole, America decided 2016 should be more exciting and unpredictable. This was a mistake.

Speculation for the 2016 presidential election began when God was pronouncing the first 'T' of 'Let there be light'. It was obvious back in 2013 that Hilarity Clinton, who had been beaten by Barack Obama (no relation) in 2008, wouldn't run again, until she did. Alright then. Anyway all the serious Democrats, and Joe Biden, cleared the field for her so she would have no problem getting the nomination this time. This left only token opponents such as Lincoln Chafee, a Democratic/Republican New England metric system fan and Francis Urquhart cosplayer who complained that Clinton only had her position because of family connections, and that was his job; Jim Webb, a traditional conservative Democrat who once shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die; and Bernie Sanders, the crazy old socialist coot from Vermont who wasn't even a member of the Democratic Party. Just for balance, they did let in one serious Democrat, Martin O'Malley, but he was unable to get his speech bubble out due to his mouth being too dry from all that rain he taxed.

Meanwhile, the Republicans assembled their most talented field for a generation, and Jeb! “Jeb” Bush. Everyone sighed that Jeb!, who was clearly the smarter brother who should have got the presidency in 2000, was forever tainted by his dumb brother. There was also the great young Hispanic hope, Marco Rubio, and the great middle-aged Canadian hope, Ted “I shut down the government six times before breakfast and all I have to show for it is this pile of corpses killed in a clever astrological pattern” Cruz. Scott Walker, who defied repeated attempts to get him out of Wisconsin like the first part of a Cillit Bang advert, was considered a likely frontrunner, and there was also John Kasich, the Governor of Ohio, who may have mentioned once or twice that his father was a mailman. Rand Paul, Kentucky's favourite (and only) Libertarian, ran, as did Chris Christie, despite getting wedged in a bridge shortly before the campaign. Dr Ben Carson somehow wandered onto the stage and briefly led the field. That's without getting into the literally billions of other Republican candidates who ran, but never mind about them. In July 2015, everyone's favourite 80s movie villain, Donald Trump, launched a new publicity stunt that got a bit out of hand. The USA's Mexican community felt unfairly singled out at being called rapists and murderers by Trump, little to know that soon it would be easier to find a group Trump hadn't described in similar terms, including his own supporters.

All of Clinton's token opponents dropped out, except Bernie Sanders, who missed the memo and kept beating her in primaries, even though this was obviously absurd. In the end, after a contest that went down to the final states, in which their invincible frontrunner had come close to being beaten by the independent former mayor of a small town in Vermont, the Democrats were confident that Clinton would destroy her Republican rival.

The Republicans on the other hand were already too busy being destroyed by Donald Trump, who produced the new Broadway Musical “Low Energy Loser: The Jeb Bush Story” in his spare time while building walls made from his used sunbed lotion containers. The Republican establishment cast around desperately for someone who could take Trump on, at one point even staring at Mitt Romney for fully three minutes with their heads collectively cocked on one side. Unfortunately, all the candidates they liked (and Rand Paul) kept losing, and they were left with the choice of backing Rubio (who gave a tribute to his hero Ronald Reagan by winning the only places he HADN'T won in his 1984 landslide…and nowhere else), Kasich (whose father was a mailman) and Ted Cruz, who they all hated almost as much as Trump. The result was that Trump became the nominee, news greeted with delight by those who had spent money at the bookies and no-one else.

That's before the actual election period even started, which featured conventions at which Trump's wife plagiarised Michelle Obama, debates in which Trump did something to a chair which would have raised Clint Eastwood's eyebrows, and the third party candidates sending egg mcmuffins to Aleppo using carcinogenic wi-fi (or something, they all blur into one). Anyway, all the polls said Clinton would win quite comfortably, so unsurprisingly to anyone who had been paying any attention to 2016, Trump won on the night. We'll meet you back here for the 2020 election, assuming there will be one.

offtopic/2016_us_presidential_election.txt · Last modified: 2019/03/29 15:13 (external edit)