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2008 U.S. presidential election

It all started in November 2004 when George Bush v2.0, thanks to the readership of the Guardian, defeated John Kerry and thus proved himself superior to version 1, which had had a tendency to crash when one attempted to boot up a second term.

Kerry returned to his previous job as Senator for Easter Island, and v2.0 soon ran into problems: it took two years for the programmers to develop a surge patch for the “Iraq” bug, requiring the removal of the Rumsfeld code module, and no sooner had this been achieved that the Afghanistan worm reared its head once more.

For that reason, it was decided to go with company policy and discontinue v2.0. Campaigning for the 2008 election began on November 3rd 2004.

By 2007, the two parties had both produced their favoured candidates. The Democrats had a woman, a black man, and an adulterer, who soon dropped out after it was pointed out that it was bad luck to have two Democratic adulterer presidents in a row. The woman, Hilarity Clinton, was attacked on the grounds that she had already served two terms and a third was unconstitutional. Her successful black opponent came from a long line of prescient soothsayers and was thus named in 1961 after the key election issues to ensure his nomination: Iraq Hussein Osama. However, it transpired that the scrying could only penetrate as far as 2007 due to the activation of the Large Hadron Collider, and thus when these issues dropped off the map, the black man changed his name to Barack Hussein Obama (a compromise after his initial choice of Copa Cabana was refused) or, for short, The Messiah.

Meanwhile, the Republicans dithered between a millionaire Mormon, who was attacked for spending too much time starring in Harry Turtledove novels and not enough on the campaign trail, a man who put the Fun into Fundamentalism, and Ron Paul, who after failing to gain the nomination proceeded to secretly engineer a massive financial crisis in a bid to make his positions look halfway sensible. In the end, however, they plumped for John McCain, on grounds of his long political experience - he had been a campaign advisor for George Washington, thus being associated with the only non-partisan election campaign in US history - and his war hero status: during the Seven Years' War he had been captured and tortured by the Spanish Inquisition.

Both candidates declared their deep respect for each other and promised to fight a clean campaign, before being handed barrels of mud by their supporters - ironically, a month or two later barrels of oil would have been cheaper. Barack Hussein Obama was attacked for having the same middle name as Saddam Hussein al-Tikriti, and he responded in kind by pointing out that McCain's surname contained the name of the first murderer in history, Adam and Eve's son. McCain dismissed this, pointing out that he could not have been named for Cain as he had been born long before him.

The vice-presidential choice was a tough one. Obama had three priorities: get Hilarity's hopes up before smashing them down on live television; ensure his VP was an amiable nonentity who would not get in the way of his radiant halo; and pick someone with a name who would make his own prescient name sound even better. Thus Senator Afghanistan Bin Laden was chosen, though the electoral commission insisted he change it to Joe Biden.

McCain, on the other hand, picked the Governor of Alaska, Michael Palin, and thus won six million dollars at the bookie's. Palin had great experience of foreign affairs from all his travel programmes, but was attacked by animal rights campaigners for having deliberately used the death of an innocent Norwegian Blue parrot in the cause of comedy.

The game changed with the financial crisis of September. McCain halted his campaign while someone explained to him that the economy no longer ran on barter and clay tablets, while Obama pledged to assuage the worries of Americans who feared that their coinage might be devalued by promising them Spare Change They Could Believe In.

In October, after going through the fine print of the American Constitution, McCain revealed that, contrary to popular belief, the USA was not a republic but a monarchy, and its monarch was given fifty electoral votes in the presidential election. After frantically having hunted through endless genealogies and family trees, the two campaigns announced that an unknown Ohian named Joe the Plumber was the true heir to the Eagle Throne of Columbia. Joe was an enigmatic figure who fascinated the media, but all they were able to find out for sure was that he was considered the black sheep of the family by his brothers Mario and Luigi due to his conscientious objector status when it came to Bowser's kidnapping of Princess Peach. Because of his vast importance to the election's outcome, both campaigns spent several weeks doing nothing but wooing him.

Finally, in November, the election began. It would not be until the 5th of November that, thanks to the companies installing the voting machines having employees who were fans of V for Vendetta, the 44th President of the United States turned out to be one Guido Fawkes of York, England, who rapidly became a controversial figure due to his support for religious terrorism, his foreign birth, and his deceased status.

Four years later, of course, America would decide to do the whole thing all over again in the 2012 US presidential election.

offtopic/2008_us_presidential_election.txt · Last modified: 2019/03/29 15:13 by

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