Tomorrow's my birthday, so here’s a very serious write-up!
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For all the ’90s kids that wanted a catdog growing up…
Catdogs are a domesticated two-headed species of animal that were once highly sought after during the late 1990s. Before and after this period, they were an obscure form of exotic pet, with most wild catdogs either living on or near the Nearburg Plains, located in the western United States, or dwelling in smaller urban areas worldwide.
Description: Catdogs usually have yellow or orange fur color with spots or stripes of either white, light orange (if fur is light orange or yellow), or dark orange pigmentation being optional. The ears on the “dog” side of the creature can be either floppy or pointy. As the catdog is a predator/scavenger animal by nature, historically living in hostile environments (especially Nearburgian catdogs), it has powerful muscles, dexterous wrist bones for crudely assembling and using rudimentary tools, a cardiovascular system that supports much endurance, and sharp teeth for catching and tearing their prey. Domesticated catdogs, however, tend to prefer the local human cuisine to hunting live prey. The catdog ranges in size; standing straight, the length from nose to nose can be as short as two feet to as long as nine feet, and legs usually stand 36 inches at the shoulders (when standing on all four of them). The appendages for each side of the catdog’s body can work as either legs or “arms” when necessary. The body of a catdog is also surprisingly agile – a nose-to-nose four-foot-long catdog, for instance, can stretch itself as far as 10 feet without straining itself and as far as 30 feet without damaging itself. This is due to the animal’s soft “sponge-like” vertebrae, skin, and tissue. Furthermore, the catdog’s spinal discs and two rib cages loosely hold the stretchable organs in place, while a thick-yet-elastic layer of many connecting muscles and tissue protects the spine and organs from external damage. Understanding how the catdog can mentally and physically tolerate such elasticity is of much interest to various kinds of scientists and researchers, hoping it can somehow be positively applied to their own respective fields.
Origin: While noted Mexican zoologist Lola Caricola has extensively covered its biology, much is still unknown about the origin of the bicranial quadruped creature known as the catdog. The species has existed as far back as Egyptian times (as they are depicted in sculptures and on vases and are mentioned in hieroglyphics), and early Polynesian culture mentions a “great meow-woof” in a few stories. Archaeological research has determined that the first undisputed Catdog remains were buried 11,000 years ago in present-day France. Genetic samples have shown it sharing genetics with both the canine and feline species through the common carnivore order, though precise genetic conversion is still highly disputed. A theory connected to panspermia foregoes the genetic connections to state that the catdog, due to its uniqueness, must be of extraterrestrial origin. However, this theory has been dismissed by the scientific community. Another theory based entirely online is that the catdog was artificially created in a lab; in the words of Professor Stephen Hawking, this theory is so nonsensical, “a sieve holds more water than that theory holds logic.”
Name: the term for this species of animal has been “catdog” since at least the 14th century. The name comes from its physical similarities its distant relatives, the cat and the dog. It is believed they are called “catdog” and not “dogcat” due to the animal’s history of its “cat” end being more assertive and aggressive when first approached by strangers; thus, the cat end is often seen first and so is seen as the “front” end of the species in many cultures.
Range/Habitat: Like the English fox, the catdog was hunted into near-extinction across Europe, as noblemen saw catdoghunting as a trying sport due to how well catdogs manage to hide, outrun, and/or outsmart their foes. Longstanding records of religious leaders in South America, Africa and Asia believing that catdogs were “unholy demons” explains their sparse populations on those continents, and catdogs are still seen as “bad omens” in many cultures in these areas even today. In the United States, however, catdog hunting became illegal in January 1909 under President Teddy Roosevelt, whom was seeing their numbers dwindling in the eastern states and feared they would share a fate similar to that the dodo bird and the buffalo/bison. As a result, the Nearburg plains remains the sole confirmed range of the catdog, with other possible ranges being in Oregon, Bolivia, and the Black Forest in Germany. The current known population of catdog is under 700, making them a critically endangered creature. However, most catdogs are suspected to be feral and undocumented, and those catdogs could expand their global population from 700 to 6,000 or even 10,000 if their locations and numbers can be confirmed. It is also still unclear what percentage of the wild catdog population lives in groups/packs (at least under 50%) and what percentage lives alone (at least over 50%).
As Pets: Domesticated catdogs originated in ancient times as extravagant commodities meant for entertainment, spectacle, or a companion/playmate for children. The catdog usually makes for poor guards and walking companions due to the “cat” end usually being reluctant to join the “dog” end in such activities. However, interest in owning catdogs as pets increased sharply in the post-Cold War era (specifically, 1992-2007), similar to how owning dogs as pets increased in the United States after World War Two. The TV series "CatDog" increased public awareness in 1998. Pet store owners had to quickly find catdog breeders, which was very difficult; less than 50 catdog breeders existed in the USA in 1991. After years of pet stores struggling to meet demand, the public lost interest, driven away by the newest culture fad. "CatDog" ended in 2005. As of 2016, less than half of 1% of the US population owns a catdog as a pet, with most owners celebrating the cat end’s intelligence and the dog end’s playfulness; a common phrase is “twice the fun of a cat and dog, and only half the mess!”
Intelligence: The catdog shows an interesting level of intelligence. Often the “cat” end shows intelligence similar to that of monkeys, orangutans, mice and dolphins, while the “dog” end shows much lower intelligence. The two ends can communicate with each other verbally, not mentally (as far as scientists can tell), but they can have miscommunication issues. The two ends are even able to hide things from each other, be it for survival, mistrust, or an apparent want for privacy from their lifelong counterpart. However, the catdog will always put self-preservation above privacy, and the two ends can perform impressive feats when working together, though such ability has never been utilized by humans due to the reasons already stated.
Health: Catdog can suffer from numerous health allergies that can affect both “ends” of the creature or only the one end. For example, the dog end of certain Nearburgian catdogs suffer temporary vision loss upon eating shellfish, while either end consuming pecans can lead to both ends suffering from the effects of pecanitis. This is because the ends share a single stomach, along with a flattened, stretchable intestinal system that lies underneath the stomach. The catdog is also vulnerable to certain genetic conditions along with some of the same health conditions as humans, such as dental problems. However, the catdog, especially the “dog” end, are highly resistant to diabetes and bruising.
Endangerment: Due to their lack of natural range, close proximity to human populations, majority-loner status, apparent inability to reproduce asexually, and numerous natural predators, catdogs have staggeringly low numbers and are at risk of extinction in the near or even immediate future. Conservation efforts peaked in the 1990s, and while they have since subsided, conservation groups are still in operation in the United States and Europe. They hope to “keep alive one of Earth’s most bizarre and mysterious, yet beautiful and unique creatures.” Only time will tell if current conservation efforts will keep the catdog from the brink of extinction.
And this is how they go to the bathroom.