THE FAMILY ARKHAM:
THE LIFE AND TIMES OF AN ALL-AMERICAN BLOODLINE
Parson and Colonial Governor Acton Arkham leads the population of Plymouth in the first Thanksgiving
The following is a propaganda pamphlet originally published as THE FAMILY ARKHAM: THE LIFE AND TIMES OF AN ALL-AMERICAN BLOODLINE (ORRA Publishing, 1927, by W. B. Scott).
The Family Arkham, as it is stylized in the way of wealthy New England antiquarian dynasties, is an ancient one, having originated in Cambridgeshire, England, many lifetimes in the distant past. By far the most famous member of this family before the 20th century was Acton Arkham (b. 1581), a Brownist parson of Nottinghamshire. It was the young Acton Arkham, the right honorable parson, who was one of the most renown Puritan ministers of his time. It was Acton Arkham and the fiery William Brewster who led the original Puritan Dissenters League out of Scrooby Manor in nothern Nottinghamshire. Scrooby was a tiny town, just a night's stop on most people's travels, but the Arkham-Brewster congregation of Puritans there would quickly become a thorn in the side of the Church of England. Archbishop Tobias Matthew came to power in 1606 and sought to purge both Puritan Dissenters and Papists from the kingdom, and he set his sights on Scrooby.
To spare you, the reader, a long, drawn-out story likely already well understood and common knowledge among the average Yankee, I shall not relate to you in full detail the story of the crackdown from the English Throne and Church upon the Puritan Dissenters League, as Archbishop Matthew no doubt cackled daemonically at the top of his manor turrets. Nor shall I recount to you the well-worn story of the flight of the hapless Puritans, now Pilgrims, from Scrooby as the loathsome authorities, coward bully-cads and thieves all, closed in upon them, ever tightening the noose of tyranny. As all school children are aware, failing to attend Church of England services, something which the Puritans had no desire to do, was punishable by fine and imprisonment. As the government cretins closed in on these brave souls, men and women of Pinnacle Blood who merely wished to worship Jehovah in their own way, they of course knew they had no other option but to leave dear Old England, the Anglo-Saxon homeland, for another realm in which to dwell in peace.
But after these things they could not long continue in any peaceable condition, but were hunted & persecuted on every side, so as their former afflictions were but as flea-bitings in comparison of these which now came upon them. For some were taken & clapt up in prison, others had their houses besett & watcht night and day, & hardly escaped their hands; and the most were faine to flie & leave their howses & habitations, and the means of their livelehood.
- Of Plymouth Plantation, or, How God's Children did Flee the Abysmal State of the Current Anglo-Saxon Homeland (by Andrew Arkham, published 1650)
The Puritan Dissenters League pooled all of their resources together and fled to Holland in 1607. They set up their homes in the city of Leiden, where they remained for a number of years. Parson Arkham, the great foreseer that he was, feared the eventual loss of Pinnacle Fluids within his congregation however, as Dutch culture and language seeped into their host in a most untenable and undesirable way. Arkham and Brewster summoned their congregation to a large rally of sorts and they agreed to venture to the beautiful, evergreen shores of the Royal New England colony. In 1620, the Pilgrims departed aboard the
Speedwell, one of the ships used to defeat the Spanish Armada during the glorious reign of Queen Elizabeth, but certain pernicious ne'er-do-wells among the crew, forsaking their Christian duties to uphold their Anglo-Saxon bloodline, tried to sabotage the ship, no doubt to continue living lives of effulgent excess and debauchery in Europe. After shunning their duties to Christ and kin, they themselves were in turn shunned by the congregation upon the order of Parson Arkham, who first discovered their treachery with the aid of the crewman Robert Cushman. After selling the
Speedwell, the
Mayflower, a sturdy tub of a vessel, was then chosen to ferry these 120 God-fearing folks to the New World. Parson Arkham was married to Patience Cromwelle (b. 1586), a distant cousin of a future famous politician and Man of God you likely are aware of, and she was well along in pregnancy when the Mayflower departed. The 34 year-old matron gave birth to their seventh child, Oceanus, during the voyage. Oceanus would go on to live a hard but memorable life.
For these & other reasons they removed to Leyden, a fair & bewtifull citie, and of a sweete situation, but made more famous by ye universitie wherwith it is adorned, in which of late had been so many learned man. But wanting that traffike by sea which Amerstdam injoyes, it was not so beneficiall for their outward means of living & estats. But being now hear pitchet they fell to such trads & imployments as they best could; valewing peace & their spirituall comforte above any other riches whatsoever. And at length they came to raise a competente & comforteable living, but with hard and continuall labor.
- Of Plymouth Plantation, or, How God's Children did Flee the Abysmal State of the Current Anglo-Saxon Homeland (by Andrew Arkham, youngest son of Acton Arkham, published 1650)
When the Pilgrims landed in Plymouth in November of 1620, Parson Arkham led the outcasts and sailors in a reading of scripture:
Make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all ye lands. Serve the Lord with gladness: come before his presence with singing. Know ye that the Lord he is God: it is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture. Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise: be thankful unto him, and bless his name. For the Lord is good; his mercy is everlasting; and his truth endureth to all generations.
- Psalm 100, as read by Parson Arkham aboard the Mayflower when New England came into view of the Pilgrims
Thanks to the help of English mercenary Myles Standish and some friendly Native Americans (whose soulless forms were utilized by God to serve the Pinnacle Man; may their spirits rest in the Void), the new colony was able to survive a harsh winter that decimated half their numbers. The adult males signed the Mayflower Compact, one of the key documents in the founding of the Old Republic and the glorious, ever-victorious Republican Union, and chose Parson Arkham to be the first Colonial Governor, handing out righteous punishments and securing the land for the rule of God's Chosen People under the commands of God's Word, which inevitably led to God's Truth enduring to all generations when it took the form of the American Fundamentalist Christian Church. Indeed, sermons and books by Parson Arkham were some of the most well-worn of all the ancient leather-bound manuscripts and tomes that can still be found on display in the Prophet Burr's (MHRIP) house and museum in Princeton, New Jersey. A painting featured above of the First Thanksgiving now hangs in honor in the Philadelphia Crypts, under the original Fundamentalist Church, where Patriot-Saint Arkham's earthly remains were laid to rest a second time following their relocation from Plymouth in 1848. His soul may belong to Jehovah, but his body now lies next to George Washington, the Martyr Arnold, and Daniel Shays, among many other splendid men of God and country who now dwell in the Holiest of Holies in the entirety of American Fundamentalism.
In 1637, after the colony became well-established, tensions rose between Dutch fur traders and the hearty Plymouth settlers, and caught in the crossfire of angry words and ill-hidden threats were the red-skinned subhuman savages of the Pequot trib, longtime arch nemesis of the good Christian folk of Plymouth. With growing fears of war, the colonies of Massachusetts Bay, Connecticut, New Haven, and Plymouth joined together to form the United Colonies of New England, a veritable Puritan Anglo-Saxon homeland. Those ululating and daemoniac creatures of the tribe continually warned Jehovah's Chosen to stay out of their territory, which meant losing out on valuable furs, pelts, and other trade goods that were ripe for the picking there. It is no surprise, then, that Myles Standish was ordered by Parson Arkham to take some of his best men and assault the Pequot chief's village in an attempt to cut the head of the devil-worshipers. This they did, crippling the tribe. Within weeks, however, the savages returned fire by raiding the town of Wethersfield, Connecticut, the foaming, blood-thirsty murderers butchering and savagely beating and lacerating innocent women and children. This was not to stand unpunished! The Puritans of New England, now far greater in number than those original 120 Mayflower passengers, called upon their New England alliance to exterminate the Pequots in the name of Jehovah. This they did with great vehemence, sparing none and utterly wiping the red-skins off the face of the earth in the manner of ancient Israel in the Old Testament. Such are the wages of sin!
Things were not all sunny and bright for New England or the Arkham family, however. In 1638, during the height of the Pequot War, Parson Arkham was butchered by Pequot tribals while on the road to a revival in Connecticut. His scalp was taken and his body left in a roadside ditch. The Arkham family and the people of Plymouth cried out for revenge, and the savages responsible were eventually impaled upon pikes in front of the charred remains of their village.
Now the Arkham family fell to Oceanus to lead, as his older siblings had died during the Hard Times at Plymouth. Eventually, the young man was chosen as Plymouth's new governor shortly after his marriage to Patience Standish, niece of Myles. His rule would be uneventful until the 1670s and Metacomet's War. This ghastly conflict started when Metacomet, chief of the Wampanoag tribe, demanded settlers leave the new town of Swansea for being too close to his home of Mount Hope. Rather than accept his laughable demands, Governor Oceanus Arkham himself rallied 500 good men of the colony together to march on Mount Hope and demand the sale of the area to Plymouth. When the Wampanoag refused, all-out war erupted, seeing savage atrocities committed by the Wampanoag which would be met by righteous retaliation from our Puritan forefathers. What a time to live! Despite massive losses, the Puritans triumphed, slaughtering or selling the surviving Wampanoag into slavery. Almost the entire savage population of New England was immolated during this great struggle.
Oceanus Arkham
The butchering of peaceful settlers by the red-skins during Metacomet's War (1675-78)
Oceanus would live to see the establishment of the Dominion of New England, a successor to the United Colonies, to which he was appointed governor. However, the Glorious Revolution in England in 1688, which saw Queen Mary II share the English and Scottish thrones with her Dutch Husband, William III. This era of William and Mary saw the Arkham family live in quiet but noble retirement, away from the public eye for the first time in a century. Oceanus Arkham would pass in his sleep in 1690, at the age of 70.
Now the Family Arkham entered a new era. God-Fear Arkham, Oceanus' eldest son (b. 1640), led the family through this peaceful period, which lasted under the outbreak of Queen Anne's War in 1702, as part of the larger War of the Spanish Succession. This conflict took place all over the glorious continent of North America, far beyond merely New England. But God-Fear Arkham was quick to raise his own regiment and fight the Papist dogs and their Wabanaki compatriots. His men, known as the Plymouth Brethren, served under Major Benjamin Church during his assault into Acadia. The Jesuit bastard Father Rale was leading the savages against the colonial Americans, and his death in 1724 destroyed the red-skin alliance and saw the triumph of the Anglo-Saxon Pinnacle Man once again, all while the Family Arkham continued to leave a legacy of service, courage, and loyalty to Jehovah.
Now at peace once more, the 84 year-old Captain God-Fear Arkham knew it was time to leave this mortal realm. He passed in late 1724, age 84, leaving the dynasty to his son Cadwallader Arkham, a man of far less rugged features or skills as his forefathers, but still a man's man and gentleman about town nonetheless. Cadwallader demolished the old family home in Plymouth and rebuilt it as Arkham Manor, a splendid, sprawling mansion and vast plantation indeed. Cadwallader led the Family Arkham to prosperity it had never before seen, buying out numerous whaling fleets and developing a fortune based on the whale-oil business.
Cadwallader's son and heir was an impious and deviant man named Acton Arkham II, a traitor to his name. He was born to Cadwallader and his wife Susanna in 1683, the great-great grandson of Parson Arkham brought shame to his name, associating with prostitutes, street urchins, and gamblers. Acton II so incensed his father with his rapscallious and delinquent tendencies that he was officially shunned from the family and forever forbidden from becoming heir. This role instead went to his oldest younger brother (out of eight siblings), Standish Arkham (b. 1685), a chap of grim disposition and no uncertain morality, he was something of a spitting image of the Puritans of yore, well-known for his hellfire and brimstone sermons which would go on to heavily influence the works of Jonathan Edwards, the Prophet's (MHRIP) grandfather and caregiver as a child. One of the biggest influences on American Fundamentalist Christianity, Standish was well-known for venturing off into the woods to commune with Jehovah and he would come back with sermons that would thrill and uplift the holy and condemn the wicked. He was perhaps most famous for the so-called Snake Incident of 1701, when he was bitten by a rattlesnake and suffered no ill effects. Some believed it a modern miracle, and he would develop a tradition of serpent-handling during his sermons. When Standish took charge of the Family Arkham upon his father's death in 1717, it wasn't enough for him to exile his brother from New England. He summoned his brother to Arkham Manor,
"To feel God's wrath upon him for besmirching the blessed name of the Family Arkham." Terrified out of his mind, Acton took the small amount of money he had, stole a family-owned merchant vessel from Boston Harbor named the
Thanksgiving, and took to a life of piracy on the high seas, eventually earning a reputation as the "Gentleman Pirate."
It was Captain Arkham who would, after the death of Blackbeard in 1718, fill the gap as the most wanted man in the Atlantic. He was famous for saying, "My grandfather sailed for God, but I sail for the Devil and a good time." His infamous "Demon Flag" struck terror into the hearts of unprotected merchant vessels everywhere the Thanksgiving could reach. He would eventually be brought to justice by privateers off the coast of North Carolina in the spring of 1724, after his ship's rudder and main mast were destroyed in a showdown. Returned in chains to New England on July 1, 1724, he was marched through the streets of Plymouth to a waiting gallows. His brother Standish happily gave the last words before the trapdoor switch was pulled and Acton Arkham II hanged for piracy, barbarism, lawlessness, theft, and brigandry. As his unfortunate brother swung on the hangman's rope, Standish said simply, "Family Arkham never forgets."
Acton Arkham II marches to the gallows in Plymouth (1724)
The next few decades for the Family Arkham were spent in quiet and with a well-earned wholesome reputation, and Standish Arkham continued to lay the foundations of the Great Awakening movement in New England. He would die at age 75 in 1755. Never having been blessed with a son, only fathering daughters, Standish passed the patronage of the family down to his younger brother Todd's oldest son, Ahab (b. 1710). Ahab Arkham served in the colonial military with the rank of colonel, and he was very much present for most of the battles of the French and Indian War of 1754-1763. He served under General Edward Braddock and alongside George Washington during the ill-fated expedition to take Fort Duquesne (modern day Pittsburgh) from the French. Ahab barely escaped the massacre with his life, while also saving George Washington's at least once during the maddening slaughter all about them. It was Ahab Arkham who would become one of George Washington's closest friends and a staunch patriot during the War for Independence.
"It is my firm belief and decision, especially after reflecting upon my family's past disobedience to the Crown for what is right, that the Arkhams and myself will go to any length whatever to support the revolutionary cause of independence and a future American nation. May God shine his light upon it and guide it forever."
- General Ahab Arkham, Continental Army, 1776
General Ahab Arkham
Ahab was present as well for Valley Forge, and the Martyrdom of Patriot-Saint Arnold, and was reportedly great friends with the Prophet Burr (MHRIP) throughout their time together fighting for this glorious and ever-victorious New Jerusalem's foundation. When the time came sign the Declaration of Independence, General Ahab Arkham was pleased to put his pen to the paper and became the 57th man to sign the document. After American Independence was won, he became one of the elder statesmen who fought against the Federalist cause and refused to let Adams and Hamilton have things their way. He said he was keenly disappointed in the Continental Congress's inability to draft a new constitution and warned that the Articles of Confederation would lead to great turmoil and struggle. He wasn't wrong. Ahab would live longer than any of his forefathers, living to see the Fall of the Old Republic in 1801 and the execution of Adams and Hamilton. In the last couple active years of his storied life, he entered the cabinet of First Chief Consul Willard Crawford. He would die in 1812, age 102, in the midst of the Canadian invasion of New England. The estate his great uncle built was occupied by redcoat soldiers who then attempted to set fire to it during their retreat. Most of the building would be salvaged. But Ahab could not bear the losses his country was seeing and thus passed soon after of natural causes.
Ahab had outlived his own son Andrew (1734-1808). The Family Arkham's head seat at the dinner table thus passed to his grandson, Andrew's eldest, Abraham Arkham (b. 1764), a veteran of the War of 1812 who had fought long and hard during the counter-assault into Canada at the war's end. He was one of the chief financiers, years later, who supported Charles Goodyear's rise and the introduction of the New Slavery. He also developed a hatred for Family Van Buren, one of his family's chief rivals in New England. Abraham also personally funded much of the construction at Benedict Arnold University of Boston and became one of the college's chief donors. A statue of him was erected outside of Miskatonic Hall, the main building used on campus for debates and other assorted politicial gatherings. Abraham married Silvia Crawford, daughter of Willard Crawford (b. 1770), and they became the first members of Family Arkham to formally profess belief in the Prophet Burr (MHRIP) and our wondrous American Fundamentalist Church.
The faithful and true patriot Abraham Arkham became very wary of the Southron nations' intentions in the build-up to the Great American War and warned that a conflict was going to happen, and it was just a matter of when. However, he viewed the coming war as fulfillment of the Prophet's Word and also of the Book of Revelation. Before he died in 1846, he predicted the South would start the war, and they would indeed do such a thing just a handful of years later with the Georgian Navy's sinking of the O.K. Sultan in 1858. Family Arkham would provide dozens of capable and highly-intelligent officers and soldiers to Lincoln's Grand Army of the Republic, with an Arkham fighting in almost every major battle. They would rally to the Second Sons of Liberty under Abraham's son, Moses Acton Arkham, who would rule the family until his death in 1865. During the interim years and the era of the weak presidents post-Lincoln, Wolfe Washington Arkham (b. 1801) would try to do his best to assist the flagging Union economy, and he would live to formally endorse the Manifest Destiny Party and George Custer's revolution.
This almost catches us up on how the Family Arkham has always been at the frontlines of our glorious Union, always fighting for Jehovah and President. But we still have one last story to tell! The story of how the Custer-Steele Family came to marry into the Family Arkham. That story begins with Wolfe Arkham's grandson and heir Julius Caesar Arkham (b. 1861) assuming power following Wolfe's death in 1890, age 89. This younger Arkham rose to the rank of the Thane of the Party under Custer and then Steele from the period of about 1898 until his death in 1933, age 72. His youngest daughter, Millicent Arkham (b. 1890) was considered one of the most beautiful and desirable women of New England, and President Custer very much wanted his adopted son Michael (Joe Steele) to marry her to join some of the biggest American families into one entity. Steele and Millicent contrasted quite heavily, as Joe was a man of simple taste and style whereas Millicent was loved fancy clothing and opulent jewelry, but Steele was instantly head-over-heels in love with "Darling Milli," and it most certainly wasn't just a marriage of convenience as Papist propaganda asserted. On December 1, 1910, Joe Custer-Steele and Millicent Arkham were wed at Philadelphia's First Fundamentalist Church in a lavish ceremony full of pomp, circumstance, and bureaucrats. The wedding was one of the largest ever seen in America, with tens of thousands of citizens gathering in the streets to cheer on the procession of white carriages. At the rear of the parade sat Steele, his hair slicked and sporting a tuxedo and a top hat (a rare sight to be sure for such a simple man) and next to him sat his darling Milli.
In 1917, three years after Steele was sworn into the Presidency, Millicent gave birth to Wyetta Arkham Custer-Steele, a tiny, beautiful little girl with coal-black hair. She now roams the Presidential Mansion in Philadelphia with her younger brother and only other sibling, Marcus Aurelius Arkham Custer-Steele (b. 1920). Her cute features have made her the darling of the nation, her face adorning posters everywhere as the ultimate representation of Anglo-Saxon Teutonic Purity. She loves to watch rounders games at Yankee Stadium with her family and enjoys feeding Castor and Pollux, the twin alligators who are kept as pets in the Presidential Mansion. She often enjoys the company of her extended family at Arkham Manor during vacations from the capital, outings with her branch of the Girls' Custer Youth Brigade, she plays the piano, guitar, and can read Latin, Greek, Aramaic, and dabbles in High Enochian and angelic spells. Not bad for a girl of ten years of age! Marcus Aurelius Arkham Custer-Steele, though only seven, tells his father and mother every day how he wishes to be a great soldier, just like his father and grandfathers on both sides of the family and is very excited about joining the CYB. With such Pinnacle Blooded children as the future of America, how much longer is it before we truly create the New Jerusalem and purge the world of sin and strife? All hail!
First Lady Millicent Arkham-Steele
Wyetta Arkham Custer-Steele
Marcus Aurelius Custer-Steele (photo taken sometime in 1930s).