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Emperor Norton I

If Norton does not reply to you, he is not ignoring you. He just forgot to.

American board member, joined in October 2008.

Emperor Norton I was born 2,000 years ago from the belly of a Panda. His glory became legend, before he was defeated in battle and forced to a slumber for a thousand years.

The glorious man known as Norton has an interest in alternate history, with a specific interest and knowledge of the Cold War era, the “Long Sixties” of 1960 to 1974, popular culture, Star Trek and the Beatles (I really like the Beatles). His Majesty also enjoys Steampunk, Dieselpunk and assorted nerd fiction. His Majesty is a flaming pinko lefty, though His Majesty has an intellectual fascination with Objectivism, as well as a secret love for Ronald Reagan. Emperor Norton I is notable for an addiction to round brackets. This is largely because His Majesty tries to cram every thought possible into a topic or reply.

His Imperial Majesty (blessing and praise be upon his name) is responsible for the timeline “Camelot Revisited”, dealing with the survival of President Kennedy. This timeline did not make it far before being abandoned, though the concept will be rebooted in the future in a timeline known as “A Time For Greatness”. His Royal Highness also collaborated with Glass Onion on the timeline “The End of the Beginning”, dealing with Paul McCartney actually dying in a car crash in early 1967. This timeline was abandoned due to real life concerns and issues that needed to be deal with on Emperor Norton's part.


Though he has flirted with Conservatism in the past, Norton generally considers himself a Social Liberal. However, he considers himself more a old school, New Deal coalition Liberal than Hippie Liberal. Norton is also frequently annoyed by the more reactionary and hard-right line the Republican party has begun heading in. He is also not a fan of Fox News. He similarly dislikes MSNBC, but sees it as not as bad (in his opinion, whereas Fox heavily makes things up or cites incorrect or skewed information to support a point of view, MSNBC largely presents factual things but from a biased point of view), and a necessary counter measure.

Norton also holds a secret love of Ronald Reagan. Similarly, he likes a number of past Republicans of moderate to Progressive to moderate-Conservative stripe including Bob Dole, Gerald Ford, George Romney, Nelson Rockefeller, Dwight Eisenhower, Thomas Dewey, and Theodore Roosevelt.

Norton's Enemies List

  • Richard Nixon
  • Lee Atwater
  • Jay Leno
  • Albert Goldman
  • Allen Klein
  • Robert Christgau
  • “The Right Stuff” by Tom Wolfe
  • Eldridge Cleaver
  • Seymour Hersh
  • James Cameron's “Avatar”
  • Tipper Gore
  • The Corn Lobby
  • Joe Pyne
  • Phyllis Schlafly
  • Bob Woodward

Norton's Mentor List

  • Harlan Ellison
  • Penn Jillette
  • John F. Kennedy
  • John Lennon
  • Bob Dylan
  • George Carlin
  • Louis CK
  • Patton Oswalt
  • Christopher Hitchens

Norton's Favorite Songs

  • Tears of a Clown by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles
  • Bittersweet Symphony by the Verve
  • Reach Out I'll Be There by the Four Tops
  • Golden Brown by the Stranglers
  • Take Five by Dave Brubeck
  • I Go Crazy by Paul Davis
  • The Breakup Song (They Don't Write 'Em) by the Greg Kihn Band
  • My Sharona by the Knack
  • Safety Dance by Men Without Hats
  • Kiss From a Rose by Seal
  • She's All I Got by Johnny Paycheck


Camelot Revisited: What If JFK Had Lived? (To Be Rebooted)

In an alternate 1963, Kennedy is shot by Oswald, but survives the assassination attempt.

The End of the Beginning (A collaborative TL with Glass Onion) (To Be Rebooted)

Paul McCartney really does die.

Watch the Skies

An alien invasion in 1960 sets off a chain of events culminating in a world of tomorrow, today. All the great science fiction tropes in a real world.

Timelines To Be Written

Strange Days

In 1960, President Kennedy runs not with Lyndon Johnson, but with George Smathers. Following an alternate assassination, Smathers succeeds Kennedy to the White House. What follows is a history often more complex, chaotic, and darker than the OTL as we follow America though the 60s, 70s and 80s.

A Time For Greatness

A reboot of “Camelot Revisited”, this timeline will follow a universe where President Kennedy was wounded in 1963 but survived assassination.

Untitled John Lennon Project

To be determined.

Liked Timelines

Interested in Timelines

Norton's Laws

1. Wherever the Beatles Are F–ked up in a Timeline, Everything Thereafter is Similarly F–ked up.

2. Around One Fourth of All Americans Are Classifiably Retarded. Take That Into Account on All Polls.

3. In All ATL and DBWI Discussions Involving a Black Person Becoming President, At Least One Person Will Attempt to Make Them a Token Republican (and Usually a Conservative One At That), Even Against All Historical and Biographical Background.

4. There's Always a 50/50 Chance That, If a Great Deal of Creative Freedom Is Granted In a DBWI, A Noob Will Find a Way to F–k It Up.

5. FBWI's Will Always Have a Strong Possibility of Being Abused For Ideological Self Gratification.

6. Future History in General Will Always Be Abused For Ideological Self Gratification.

7. 9/10's of All ATL's Involving the Confederate States of America Will Not Have It Collapse Into Independent and Sovereign States At Any Point, Even Though the Confederacy's Stability Was Questionable and It's Unity Only In Name For The Most Part.

8. There Always Exists a 60/40 to a 70/30 Chance That An ATL Will Establish the C.S.A. As a World Power and a 50/50 Chance of it Being Established As a Superpower.

9. Futurism Will Always Overestimate Technological Developments and Underestimate Development Involving Computers, and Keep Social Concepts and Fashion of the Future Too Static to The Times in Which the Predictions were Made.

10. There Are No Alternate Histories, Just Approximations.

11. If Anything Reads “President Palin”, Don't Click It.

12. Ego Is Inversely Related To How Much A Person Is Unwilling To Admit They Are Wrong, And How Much Time They Will Invest Arguing Semantics And What They “Really” Meant In Order Not To Be Wrong.

13. The Only Reason To Hate Someone For Their Ideology Is If That Ideology Lends To Them Being A D-ck.

14. Midgets Multiply The Funniness Of Anything By 5.

15. After 110 Years, No One Cares About The Politics Of An Incident, But You May Find One Who Does And Proves To Be A Pain In Your A–.

16. Nazis Are The Coolest Villains Ever.

17. People Too Often Fail To Take Into Account That Health And Vitality Are Related To Lifestyle, Behavior, And Stress, And That Therefore A Person May Live Longer Or Shorter In An ATL Than They Did In The OTL.*

*IE, If Johnson is sparred Vietnam and the stress of the war and it's backlash, he could live years longer. Similarly, an Eisenhower facing WWIII in 1956 could suffer a heart attack not long after due to the massive stress.

18. The “Static Man” Model Of History Is and Will Always Be A Poor One.*

*“Static Man” referring to the thought that historical individuals or a historical individual does/did not change in views (political or otherwise) and personality over the course of their life. For example, Lincoln went from believing in keeping slavery where it was in his early career to believing slavery should be abolished everywhere and in total, over the course of the American Civil War.

19. In Alternate History, Always Seek To Investigate And Focus On “What If” And Avoid Falling Prey To The Fanciful And Self-Opinionated “If Only”.

20. There Exists A Special Place In Hell For Lawyers, Political Pundits, And Bosses.

21. Dogma's A B-tch. Feel Free To Ignore It If You Think It's Right.

22. Tecumseh's Curse Should Not Necessarily Be Taken As True, But It's A Good Way To Thin The Heard And Add Depth In An Alternate Timeline.

23. Neo-Nazis Are Douchebags.

24. Know The Difference Between The Private (And Real) Man, And The Public Identity, But Understand Both.

25. Ronald Reagan Is The Only Man Whom You Can Read One Quote And Find Him Likable And An Amiable Figure, And Another And Find Him A Reactionary Hardliner And A Jerk.

26. Nothing Is Ever Predestined To Fail.

27. Rednecks Ruin Everything.*

*Not The Fun “You Might Be A Redneck If…” Rednecks. The “The Democrats Wanna Kill My Grandma!” Rednecks.

28. Vietnam Was Inevitably An Unwinnable War.

29. Bipartisanship Is A Two Way Street. Where It Is Treated As A One Way Street By The Opposition, It Is Obstructionism Trying To Make Itself Appear Better Than It Actually Is.

30. Civility Is Necessary In All Areas.

31. If Ignorance Is Bliss, You Will Meet A Lot Of Happy People In Your Life.

32. Politics Must Always Be Tinted With Common Humanity If It Is To Serve The People As They Deserve.

33. An Explanation Is Not An Excuse.

34. Human Nature Is The Greatest Asset And The Greatest Impediment To Human Progress.

35. In Any Poll Involving A Kennedy, The Kennedy Will Win.

36. You Don't Need To Be Smart To Talk.

37. Kanye West Is A Douche.

38. Anything Of Sufficient Popularity Will Get Ripped Off By Others.;-)

39. No One Has The Right To Make You Feel Bad About Yourself.

40. When Serious Institutions Allow Ann Coulter To Speak, Bad Things Happen.

41. An Army Loses If It Does Not Win; A Guerrilla Wins If He Does Not Lose.

42. Even Hitler Smiled.

43. History Is A Myriad Of Failures And Squandered Opportunities, And The Effects They Had On Humanity.

44. If It's Meant To Be Funny, And It Isn't/Won't Be Funny And That Is Known, Don't Do It.

45. An Insanity, Even If Shared By A Mass, Is An Insanity Nonetheless And Deserves Little More Respect.

46. No One Believes 2012 Is Doomsday Except A Bunch Of Dumb Yuppies And Pseudo-Hippies Taken In By The Same New Age Drivel We Saw In 2000 And 2001 (The Last Time The Mayan Calender Ended Was 1628. Remember When The World Ended In 1628?)

47. Humanity Should Come Before Any Ideology, And Indeed Be One's Ideology.

48. Miracle Whip Is Not A Hip And Trendy Lifestyle Choice, Dammit. It's A Food Product Which Lends To People Who Weigh 200+ Pounds And Watch Sitcoms All Day On Their Couch.

49. A Politician Is A Person Who Will Know Something Is Bull, But Try To Sell It Anyway.

50. It Doesn't Matter If You're Wrong As Long As You Say It Enough Times.

51. Extravagance Should Not Overtake The Ability To Pay For That Extravagance.

52. Sins Are The Blind Spots Of Attempts At Virtue.

53. If I Don't Post In A Week, I'm Sick. If I Don't Post In A Month, I'm Dead.

54. “Twilight” Shows The Disappointing Nature Of Humanity.

55. A Part Of The Joy Of Childhood Is Being Surrounded By Known Things And Persistently Held Things For Long Periods Of Time, And Being Able To Enjoy Those Things And Enjoy Them Persistently With Equal Vigor. A Malady Of Adulthood Is The Lack Of Those Known Things, And The Joy Being Their Rediscovery.

56. If It Requires Wearing Pants, It Generally Isn't Worth It.

57. E-mails Are An Outlet For One Dumbass To Infect Others With His Stupidity

58. Jesse Ventura Is Like A Favorite Crazy Uncle. He Says A Lot Of Nutso, Pseudo-Intellectual Stuff, But You Could Probably Have A Beer With Him, And He'd Probably Help You In A Bar Fight And Then Take You To See A Hooker.

59. Conspiracy Is Like A Box Of Mirrors. You Bounce Off Within It Until You Are Locked Into A Self-Perpetuating Reality Which Cannot Be Broken Because When Any Critique Comes, You Look To A Reflection And Therefore Find The Rebuttal There.

60. No Matter How Many Smiles, How Many Handshakes, How Many Repetitions Of Calling You Or Your Fellow Customers “Family”, No Business Man Gives A Damn About A Customer Beyond Their Wallet, And Will Do All He Can To Separate It From Them.

61. It Is When You Try To Sufficiently Understand The Aesthetic Of Reality While Being Unable To Cope With It That You Reach Insanity.

62. It's Easy To Burn A Strawman.

63. One A–hole With Photoshop Can F–k Up A Lot.

64. Life Could Perhaps Be Boiled Down To The Following Idea: Everyone Hates Everyone Else And Everything Else, Just To Different Degrees.

65. With Any Internet Topic Or Youtube Video That Is Even Mildly Political, Any Political Discussion/Argument/Flameware Is Possible.

*IE, a topic showing the atomic bomb against Japan can end up with a flamewar over the Clinton administration.

66. Lionel Richie Is To Iraq As David Hasselhoff Is To Germany.

67. Gross =/= Funny

68. If You Remove A Moderate Solution To A Problem, And The Problem Still Persists, A More Radical Solution Will Come In To Take It's Place.

69. The Measure Of Power Is In Not Knowing Its Limit.

70. The Majority of Things Are More Mundane Than They Are Thought To Be.

71. The Average Person Does Not Care Where They Are, What Their Government Is, Or What The Politics Around Them Are, So Long As They Have Enough For Themselves Or Their Families.

72. No Conspiracy Is So Wide And Vast And Secretive and Powerful, But At The Same Time You Can Uncover It With A Google Search And Figure Out Basic Things Are Lies Via A Google Search. That's Why Conspiracy Theories Are Wrong.

Banning and unbanning

On August 22nd, 2013, Norton was banned for a comment misinterpreted as racist. His ban was reduced to the kick after much debate.

Claims to Fame

Coined the term “Andereich”.

Andereich is a sub-genre of alternate history wherein Adolf Hitler is replaced as the leader of Nazi Germany by another fuhrer. It is a portmanteau of the German words 'anderer', meaning 'other', and reich.

offtopic/emperor_norton_i.txt · Last modified: 2019/03/29 15:13 by

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