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United States of America

Also known as the “U.S.” or the “USA”, it is a dreadfully horrible place worse than the war-torn regions of Somalia, Yemen, and Syria combined, at least, according to several European and British board members who are unable to accept the fact that they lost the American Revolutionary War, which they insist on calling the “War of Independence” for some reason. (This interpretation, of course, presumes that we didn't win and then cut them loose as we wanted all along - British members)(Meanwhile, the rest of the world realizes full well that the Brits got their butts kicked). (Yes, because it was the rest of the world doing it, not the pathetic colonials - see Yorktown) (Continues ad infinitum) Everyone else considers it to be a pretty nice place, especially immigrants and expatriates, although many, even Americans, have problems with its political leadership.

Consists of two urbanised strips along the oceans (and third inland coast, see Great Lakes) and lots of debatable and possibly non-existent wasteland in between. The Americans typically divide their time between worshiping their secular constitution and then plotting to bring in theocracy; inventing political correctness and environmentalism and then quite creditably ignoring them when the rest of the world embraces them; and musing on their status as one of the world's longer-lived republics while simultaneously claiming that everywhere from New England to Texas to South Carolina to California is just on the edge of seceding. A land of contradictions, then. Also, home to the dastardly Ronald Reagan, known for his culinary tastes of eating babies and kicking puppy dogs while doing other evil stuffery.

Citizens, nationals, and residents of the United States are known as “Americans”, a source of confusion for many Castilian speakers from South America. Some of the board's more cheekier members like to use “Usanian”, “United Statesian”, or “USAn”, just to be hip, alternative, or just plain mess with folks.

Due to the number of American AH authors, the U.S. is a somewhat saturated land for AH, although original what-ifs are occasionally still thought of. Possibly the most overused what-ifs involve the American Civil War, also known as the “ACW”.


A Lesson in American Geography, by Landshark

The State of New England exists, though there's not much there to see. 99% of the population live in the state capital, Boston or in one of it's suburbs, Connecticut, Maine, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Rhode Island, and Vermont, while the remaining one percent live in the town of Cabot Cove, (twinned with Badgers Drift, England).

Further down the East Coast is the city state of New York, which consists solely of the boroughs of Manhattan, Brooklyn, The Bronx, Queens and Staten Island. When New Yorkers speak of “Upstate” they mean it in the same way as “Downtown”.

Immediately to the south of New York is the city state of New Jersey. Originally the New York Municipal Landfill New Jersey became a state after life began to evolve in the primordial slime there in the 1950's.

Directly to the south of New Jersey is Virginia. Virginia is the largest state in the union, so large in fact it is frequently mistaken for several non-existent states such as Tennessee, the Carolinas, Arkansas, Alabama and so on. If anyone tells you you are currently in one of these “States” they are pulling your leg, it's Virginia, or as it used to be known “Dixiechickland”.

Contained within Virginia is the United States capital Washington, D.C. Contrary to all evidence Washington is in fact real.

To the south of Virginia is the State of Florida. Again, like Washington, a real place. In legend Florida is a land shaped like a flaccid penis, covered in swamps and inhabited by giant rodents. In reality Florida is a land shaped like a flaccid penis, covered in swamps and inhabited by giant rodents. The only city in Florida is Miami which occupies the ten square miles of Florida which isn't alligator infested, fly blown swampland.

Many people make the mistake of assuming that there is a state called Louisiana to the west of Florida, this is actually down to poor map reading skills. Travellers who find themselves in a place where the locals either speak French or a very peculiarly accented brand of English are in fact in Quebec.

Bordering Florida's west edge is the State of Texas. Texas is divided into two halves, East Texas where all the people, cities and oil are and West Texas or as it is sometimes known, Arrakis. It actually only takes about an hour to drive across West Texas but the landscape is so bleak and monotonous most people think they've spent several weeks there. This has given rise to the curious belief that it shouldn't take this long to drive across one state and that therefore there must be other states between Texas and California. These non-existent places have become known by many names, Arizona, Nevada, New Mexico, Hy-Brazil, Dinotropia or Maple-White Land. This lost land supposedly contains a mystical city called “Las Vegas”, a place of wine, women and song, where people gamble and feast all day long and where magicians live in pyramids and palaces.

The existence of such a place is unlikely at best.

Another mythical realm bordering Texas is Oklahoma. Oklahoma is and always has been totally fictional and was created for the stage musical of the same name.

Directly to the west of Texas is the State of California. California occupies a thin strip of land barely ten miles deep which contains the cities of San Diego, Los Angeles, San Francisco and the state capital, Disneyland. The northern part of California is known as the Oregon Country, it's only claim to fame being that it's so inhospitable and worthless Britain forced the United States into taking it rather than getting saddled with it themselves. Many people believe there is a city called Seattle in this area but this is actually Vancouver when it's raining.

Heading back eastwards you enter the Great American Wasteland. A barren featureless plain devoid of all animal and plant life and where the hand of civilisation has never set foot. This is sometime referred to as Dakota.

The Wasteland is reputedly home to many strange places like Wyoming, Utah and Colorado, (the fact that map makers always draw these make believe places as straight sided rectangles shows how much credence the existence of these places is given) and strange religious cults.

Once the Wasteland has been crossed you are once more nearing the East Coast, before you get there though you will run into more legendary “states”.

Minnesota: Created for a sketch in a 1952 episode of Your Show Of Shows in which Carl Reiner played an incomprehensibly accented “Minnesotan” opposite Sid Ceaser.

Wisconsin: Actually a make of cheese.

Transylvannia: That's in Romania.

Idaho: A very large potato farm just outside Chicago.

The last remaining state in the US is Illinois which consists solely of Chicago, and a bunch of other people who hate Chicago with such a passion that they refuse to vote with Chicago in any election, or identify with Chicago in any form.

According to the Bible and the Major League Baseball in Illinois's empty west there is a city/trading post called “St.Louis”. It is obviously mythical due to the fact they are named after a French person, and are not in Quebec.

Other reputed states include Alaska, which has never existed and was actually created as part of an elaborate real estate scam perpetrated by the Russians and Hawaii which is part of the British Commonwealth as you can plainly see by looking at their flag.


AH.commers

Since a very large number of AH.commers come from the United States, it would be too hard to list them all on a single page. Therefore, please use the following list to get a state-by-state overview of the board's American membership:

List of U.S. states

The states pages and the lists of AH.commers on each such page are ordered alphabetically.


Overseas territories of the US:


Alternate history clichés involving this country

See Also

offtopic/usa.txt · Last modified: 2017/06/13 10:15 by petike