TLIAFD: Clustershag to Ten Downing Street

Right, this is entirely frivolous and pointless, but Its my attempt at a not-quite ASB piece based around comments on AndyC’s “Maybe the Horse will learn to Sing,” about increasing numbers of leaders in the television debates. Its also a piece on the evils of STV and political reform.

Clustershag to 10 Downing Street

A Timeline In A Few Days

By Kingclumsy

June 2nd, 2013

The Coallition stood side by side in the garden of 10 Downing Street for their initial press conference, as was tradition. This was the second time in a year he’d had to do this and it was clear from the offset it was a different animal than before. Last time he did this he’d done this he’d been shouldered with Dennis Skinner and his Bastard child of a Socialist Labour Party, the same ones who’d split from his party not a decade before. The Democrats had been there too, of course they had. This government was rare in its LACK of Democrat representation. The bloody fence sitters had built up a reputation for shaking hands with anyone they could and getting through just enough policies to make them popular with their core voters.

This was different. The skinnerites had torn themselves apart, some of them travelling even further left, some returning to the Labour fold. So rather than try and limp on, the Prime Minister had called a snap election and this is what he’d been given to work with. A bumbling populist with mad hair and man who want to do away with the lot of them.

The Prime Minister gave his famous and apparently slightly unnerving grin and begun his speech.
 
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A Month Earlier.

Jeremy Paxman looked at the row of podiums, he could swear there were more every year. Thinking back, they had the Democrats to thank for this, or rather the Alliance. He was sure they meant well but they opened a pandora’s box of absurdity. He adjusted his cue cards and waited as they walked out. There was a round of disinterested applause from the audience. The Fifth election in four years would take do that to an electorate. The candidates all walked in. Paxman sized them all up carefully. Nine, god save me, thought the host. Two more than last year.

He the camera blinked a countdown from five and he looked up as it moved to face him.

“Good evening, you join me here for the second party leaders debate. I am joined by the leaders of the ten parties represented at a national level, that is who have candidates in all four parts of Britain in over half the seats.” He paused, not doing much to hide his dislike for this part of the political process. The BBC didn’t care, and Twitter loved it. Not that he loved twitter.

“To introduce the leaders,” the camera moved across each podium in turn. Each politely nodded.

“David Icke, Green Party.” Icke nodded, his suit looking a little ill fitting, his hair permanently scruffy but he was almost famous for it as much as his strange Charisma, unusual statements and apearances on panel shows . It was strange to see him back at the podium though.

“Lembit Opik, Democrat Party,” Opik gurned at the camera. Paxman hadn’t expected until very recently. He rather liked Simon Hughes but he’d stood down as leader and according to party policy the awkward Welsh MP stood in his place.

“Dan Hannan, Liberal Party,” this was one that Jeremy Paxman was looking forward to. Hannan had an ego the size of the USSR and it’d be good to see him under Cameras and in the Mêlée that these debates usually were. Paxman suspected he was out of his depth though, to young and promoted too quickly.

“Peter Mandelson, Labour Party.” The Prime Minister gave his familiar grin to the Camera.

“Ed Balls, Socialist Labour Party,” the broad figure of the new Socialist Labour party leader, freshly jumped into Dennis Skinner’s shoes smiled awkwardly. There was a yell of “Ed Balls” from the back of the audience. Jeremy Paxman was to understand this was some on going internet joke, rather than a cheer.

“Nadine Dorries, Britain First Party,” Dorries nodded and the host could already tell she was brewing some righteous anger inside her and contempt for every other party leader.

“Kenneth Clarke, Conservative Party,” Dorries’ worst enemy, last time they’d met, Dorries had called him a “Europhilic ,” and then an expletive he hadn’t expected from the BFP leader. The man who would be Prime Minister smiled politely with a nervous wave.

“Alex Salmond, Regionalist Alliance,” the almost-permanent presence of Last King of Scotland stood sweating lightly. The hopes of the frail alliance of the former Plaid, SNP, some Northern Ireland parties (which varied) and a few men in a shack in Cornwall. Paxman wondered whether the English Democrat were with the Alliance or not. It was hard to remember.

"Chris Morris, Pirate Party," The Joke party, how the hell had they ended up here? A bunch of twenty somethings registering as candidates across the country and for all of their one MP, they were voted in but instead of Lawrence Kaye, their leader stood sternfaced in his place, his hair slicked back, almost in a parody of his own characters.


He looked at them, they were all as unsure of this as he was. He then pondered who’d be up here next time.

“Right, our first question is on the subject of defence.
 
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AndyC

Donor
The Ten Lecterns ...

My God. What have I caused ...

(NB. Will be reading with interest and poaching the good ideas as they come up :D)
 
The Ten Lecterns ...

My God. What have I caused ...

(NB. Will be reading with interest and poaching the good ideas as they come up :D)

Edited: Now reads Nine (I'm not a complete Monster) also not sure about Morris, any other ideas? Would someone like Mark Thomas go for it or is he too genuinely political? Ian Hislop? :D

For the record, I loved/love The Fourth Lectern and Maybe the Horse. Thrilling, well written stuff. That TL's Thick of It would be hard pushed to outdo reality!
 
Paxman wondered whether the English Democrat were with the Alliance or not. It was hard to remember.[/FONT][/SIZE]

I'd imagine they'd need to be, presuming the PoD isn't the Covenantors winning the British Civil War and giving Scotland 300 seats, you'd need significant parts of England included to get to a majority of seats.

Love that list of parties though, from the Greens embracing the dark side of Youtube to the Pirates becoming not only an electoral force but one I could see myself voting for. :p
 
I'd imagine they'd need to be, presuming the PoD isn't the Covenantors winning the British Civil War and giving Scotland 300 seats, you'd need significant parts of England included to get to a majority of seats.

Love that list of parties though, from the Greens embracing the dark side of Youtube to the Pirates becoming not only an electoral force but one I could see myself voting for. :p

I'd imagine the Regional Alliance has constituent party/members in england, I just mean as a block, if the English Democrats are as right as OTL, they may clash with the SNP.

I'd probably vote Pirate in TTL too, think proper Sutch-ist satire meets OTL Pirates.
 
Part 1: The Honeymoon is over.

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David Owen and David Steele after the Alliance Victory in the 1983 General Election​

May 2013

“I agree with Lembit,” Mandelson said calmly, easy on the sycophancy.
“There’s a first for everything Peter,” Lembit Opik replied. “You didn’t before,”
“Could we stay on topic please,” Paxman stated, “I asked Mr Opik about the Democrat’s stance on corporation tax and so far he’s completely avoided me, instead talking about local shops in his constituency,”
“Actually, I was talking about local businesses, ones which bring more money into local economies,” Dan Hannan watched carefully then jumped.
“but they’re a smaller impact on the wellbeing of the economy, your proposals for protecting small business from so called big simply incentivises remaining small and not expanding, once again the left promoting mediocrity and stifling economic growth” he said in a single go.
“If you think I’m left wing Dan, you should have a look at Ed Balls’ Manifesto!” Lembit almost-slurred “Heavens forbid the individualist actually protect individual people,”
“Do I need to split you two up?” said Mandelson, in an attempt to belittle the two of them, the rivalry between the Liberals and the Democrats was famous


1987
Ten Downing Street

“You mad bastard, you’ll ruin us,” the Prime Minister shouted
“Was there ever really an “Us”, we knew this could end.” The Deputy Prime Minister replied calmly in contrast to the PM’s anger. The PM paused and spoke again. “David, are you that damned stubborn that you’ll jeopardise all we won in eighty three?”
“The whole point of Eighty three and the fact I was stood alongside you instead of Kinnock was I’d had enough of Labour, I’m not going to run back now,” David Owen said, explaining himself.
“We need them this time. You agreed to voting reform because we knew eighty three was a fluke and the big two would jump on us as soon as possible and beat us to death with First Past the Post. So we pushed it through as quickly as possible. We knew this might be a side effect.” David Steele said before pouring himself another drink. “We’ll go into government as the senior partners David, on our terms,”
“Not with them, I have my principles David,” Owen said, the same repeated, almost patronising tone.
“And I have mine, you know the door David,”
“A Liberal-Labour government? Really?” Owen asked, raising an eyebrow
“If that’s the closest we’re going to get to the will of the people, then yes!”
“With the Liberals as the junior partner?” he said, scoffing even as he put on his coat.
“With the Alliance as senior member, do you really think you speak for the whole of the SDP?” Steele said as Owen walked to the door, practically ignoring Steele
“We’ll see David, good night,”


2011
The Liberal Party conference, Brighton

“Dear god its like the father and son picnic up there,” remarked David Laws as he watched the two remaining leadership candidates on stage. Graham Watson sat next to him looked to him and raised his eyebrows.
“This is all your fault you know!” he chuckled, the laugh of a man who figured it was better to laugh than to cry.
“Me? How is it my fault?” Laws asked, frowning.
“If you’d stood for leader the party would follow you,”
“What if I don’t want to stand for leader? What if I’m happy at finance!”
“So instead we have the old man and the, the,” Watson searched for a word, “Foetus!”
“He’s thirty nine, Graham, and he’s a good speaker, he can be a real firebrand about things he believes in”
“Well its also what he believes in a Davisite,” Watson added.
“And that’s a bad thing?” Laws said, sipping from a polystyrene cup of now luke-warm tea.
“Those Tory twits don’t belong in this party and you know it, now offense meant david but you’re about as “Libertarian” as the Americans would put it, as the party goes,”
“I thought David Davis was a good leader! But then again, “ he scoffed, “I would, apparently, They belong here because May tried to introduce all those god-awful detention laws, I welcomed them with open arms, we all did! Its just a shame David stood down after the helicopter accident.” the crowd quietened as the official stepped forward.

“Sir Menzies Campbell, Nine thousand, eight hundred and seven”
“Daniel Hannan, Ten thousand, seven hundred and twelve”

Graham Watson leant in to David Laws “Let Children lead the way!” he said before joining in the applause.

25th April 2013
Democrat Party HQ

“Man Talk?” Cable asked the Party researcher,
“Yes, Man Talk, apparently he used it to solicit sexual partners”
“Prostitutes?” Cable enquired
“We don’t know,” the researcher said, “but its across most of the papers in one place or another. The door opened and they both turned to it, expecting Simon Hughes to come through, it was Jo Swinson, Mp for Dunbarton and Lanarkshire. “He’s going to resign,”
“He could’ve told us first!” Cable said, rolling his eyes.
“We would’ve got him to anyway, so are you feeling up for it?” Swinson asked, arms folded.
“What do you mean?” Cable asked, looking suddenly up at Swinson.
“The Debates, taking the reins and all that,” he said with a smile which lowered as Cable didn’t reply.
“Its not me, its Lembit, he’s deputy leader,” he said plainly, but hiding disappointment.
“Oh, I suppose so, yes,” Swinson said, trailing off. She finally added. “Is that a good idea?”
“We don’t have much choice really, I know, we pretty much put him there to stop him getting in the way of policy, we never thought Simon would cock up,” he paused at his poor choice of words, “I’m sorry.” Swinson shrugged
“Well he’s popular with young people,” she said positively
“You mean he’s a joke,” Cable replied
“Well, he could take away from the popularity of Icke,” the Democrat’s offer of “a real alternative” to the left and right, even from the increasingly right Liberaltarians but that’d been scuppered badly, the return of David Icke to Green leadership and the Pirates had taken the disgruntled youth vote away from them.

Cable sighed, “Well, yes, and he’s popular on youtube,”
 
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GarethC

Donor
Oh god, it's so awful/true I'm crying with laughter.

I almost think Mark Thomas would give up - how can you use satire as a weapon in this kind of environment? It would just be art mimicing life.

Could you cast some light on Lembit's love life leading up to this crowning moment?

Has David Icke remained rather more mainstream in his views, or, between the words "Green" and "Party", should we be inserting the words "-Skinned Reptoid Infiltrator"?
 

AndyC

Donor
Edited: Now reads Nine (I'm not a complete Monster) also not sure about Morris, any other ideas? Would someone like Mark Thomas go for it or is he too genuinely political? Ian Hislop? :D

For the record, I loved/love The Fourth Lectern and Maybe the Horse. Thrilling, well written stuff. That TL's Thick of It would be hard pushed to outdo reality!

Thanks :D
Flattery will get you everywhere.
 
Oh god, it's so awful/true I'm crying with laughter.

I almost think Mark Thomas would give up - how can you use satire as a weapon in this kind of environment? It would just be art mimicing life.

Could you cast some light on Lembit's love life leading up to this crowning moment?

Has David Icke remained rather more mainstream in his views, or, between the words "Green" and "Party", should we be inserting the words "-Skinned Reptoid Infiltrator"?

True. Besides, Mark Thomas is TOO political to go for Satire, he might even be supporting the Greens as OTL

Hmm, Cheeky, I'll see what I can do.

And nope, David Icke is genuinely the leader of the Green Party of Great Britain and has written no books on Reptilian Queen mothers or other such stuff. the next part will probably be about him, may be tomorrow though, Roller Derby wiped me out.

I love this so much. I take it Chris Morris is playing Brass-eye politically? ;)

Pretty much. I couldn't resist giving him his Day Today/ Denholme Renholm hair too :)

Glad you all like it.
 
Part 2: The Life, Death and Resurrection of David Icke

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David Icke MP on the campaign trail, 2010

Election Night “Results Morning”, 1990
Exeter

“Therefore I declare that the MPs elected for the constituency of West Devon are”. David Icke was exhausted and phased out for the most part. He’d enjoyed working with the Green party, but he wasn’t sure he had the makings of a parliamentary politician. The returning officer had been handed the piece of paper with a count of who’d received enough first preference votes to get over the election threshold, and then if not, second preferences votes from the person in last place, and so on. This was the second election with this system and the advantage of old Guard Labour and Tory MPs seeping hatred for it easily countered the longer election nights in David Icke’s book. He and the other Green candidate stood waiting on stage. Icke was first choice, if by a miracle, West Devon elected two Green MPs then the other would follow. On paper there were candidates three to five waiting in the wings but the world wasn’t that lucky, he thought.

“…David Icke, Green Party,” was the final name on the list, Icke returned to the room and his face lit up. Massive rapturous applause from the Green party campaigners, he turned to give his fellow PPC a hug then waved to the crowd. He stepped forward, next to the two Tories and one Labour and Lib Dem next to him. Posing for a photograph


The next day
BBC Radio Devon, Plymouth

The Radio Presenter looked across the studio to the MP. “So what was your first reaction?”
“Probably “I’ll have to cancel my holiday to Peru!”,” he laughed,
“David Icke MP, how does that sound?”” the presenter asked
“Its very,” he paused “Alien, I’ve been campaigning for the last few months all across West Devon and it still sounds strange,”
“Fourteen MPs, a significant Green Bloc within parliament and five more than last time. Do you feel you can influence policy?” the presenter asked
“That depends who’s holding the pen really, I mean we could yet stay in government! Which is interesting, in the Chinese sense,” he chuckled at this. “I can at least influence policy in how I vote, as can we all. Insofar as parliament has any impact on society.” He paused, that wasn’t perhaps the best thing to say.

1994
The House of Commons

The Greens were cheering him on out of loyalty to their party leader, Labour and the Democrats were cheering him on out of dislike of the Tories but no one was necessarily agreeing with him. Icke had been like more and more outspoken for a few weeks now. Students loved it, the left loved it. People had made badges saying “I like Icke!” in the style of the old US President.

“This Prime Minister,” Icke said, gesturing at the figure of Michael Heseltine at the podium. “What the hell do you honestly care about the poor of Britain, all your talk of the economy and growth like we’re all a homogenous mass when your talk is because it only really benefits a handful of the few at the top, the honourable party in government’s masters” he turned to the opposition benches, a sea of Labour, Green and Regional parties as the speaker again asked him to stop “and you’ve all bought into it! All of you, playing their game where they hold the cards, write the rules and control who gets in and benefits.” He appeared to be short of breath. “this isn’t how it should work, it isn’t.” he paused, then collapsed.


June 2007
Stroud, Gloucestershire

The two MPs browsed the menus in the small Vegan restaurant, one was clearly distracted, the other wanted to choose her meal. Caroline Lucas, MP for Oxfordshire lowered her menu again. “I did the right thing didn’t I? I did,”
“Well you answered your own question,” Molly Scott Cato, MP for Gloucestershire replied, “I recommend the soup as a starter, its” she turned round, “spiced sweet potato, but its always a very good bet,” Lucas nodded at this. Cato added “and Caroline, you didn’t make the choice, you listened to Labour’s proposal and took it to the party, we voted for it and we went into government,”
“Only just though,”
“It was still the democratic choice; you still pleased the majority and that’s politics I suppose, even if only by a few votes”
“I think I’ll go with the soup and the stuffed peppers, a bit boring I know but when done well,” she shrugged, “and yes, I know a few votes, they released the breakdown of votes for Oxford. Did you see how narrowly I got in in? Barely a dozen votes!”
“We all got reduced majorities, the electorate punished us for going with a closet rightist like Blair, him and his third way guff,”

The waiter arrived and they ordered. They both sipped their locally sourced elderflower wine and the topic changed, Half way through the main course “So, who do you think will run for leader? Secret ballot and all that but a bit of speculation can’t hurt. Unless of course you’re running” Caroline asked over her glass of wine, seeming a bit calmer. Her companion scoffed “No thank you, I’m an economist and I’m happy staying where I am, if we’re pointlessly speculating then Jenny Jones,” the spoke of the grey haired MP for South Bank.
“Oh yes, Jenny will, a good choice too, she regularly takes on MPs in her own constituency and the only reason I’d say she shouldn’t is she’s already a good home affairs representative,”
“Although there’s only seven of us now, we haven’t been this bad off since the switch to STV, people will have to double up,” Cato remarked
“I nominate you for defence,” Lucas chuckled
“I refuse,” Cato replied quickly,
“Bobby?” Lucas suggested “He’s popular, he could get the youth vote,”
“and the Nerd vote,” Cato added “I don’t know, I don’t think he’s up for it, yes he’s an actor but he’s not a huge fan of being a politician, and when it comes down to it, he is famous for playing a robot on a Scifi Show. I’m thinking we’re ignoring the elephant in the room.” A silence fell over them.
“Oh yes, he’s back, isn’t he.”
“The one new MP in the party, back in West Devon, No less.”
“Oh god, can’t we just send him to run for Mayor of London or something?”

Two Years earlier
BBC Television Centre

“So you disagree with your party’s line in government,” Angus Dayton asked the scruffy haired man to his right.
“I disagree with their wilful consent to be gagged and tied and removed of choice and, it would seem, allow the British people to be subjected to the same.” David Icke replied
“Blimey you can tell its after the watershed!” Paul Merton said,
“From detention laws onto ID Cards to microchips in the brain, its all a dangerous route, but no, our leader is environment minister and this has nothing to do with the environment, I don’t remember voting for a single issue party!” he continued the crowd cheered loudly
“Breath David, Breath, you’ll pass out again!” Merton teased.


September 2007
The Green Party Conference, Cardiff

Molly Scott Cato walked passed another scruffy twenty-ish person wearing an “I like Icke,” badge. The whole Draft David thing was rather strange. She took her seat, at the side of the stage was the man himself their new leader in a Black suit and familiar turqoise shirt and tie. Well he was charismatic and very popular with the radically minded political youth. Maybe it wouldn’t be too bad.
 
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Chris Morris is perfect for this and I'd say a good fit for the Pirate Party.

His performing persona is, but in real life he suffers from chronic self-confidence issues and is very uncomfortable giving interviews. It'd be hard for him to make it very far in politics, or indeed ever want to. For the sake of the story I'm prepared to believe he's got himself worked up into such a rage over things ITTL that he's now permanently playing a part - much like Boris, of course... ;)

Like this, King. If I could give one piece of feedback I'd say the font changes are a bit unnecessary - standard size is more readable for me.
 
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