Bull Mooses, “Baptist,” Bernie, and Bridges, Oh boy...
Good morning, everyone! It’s been a hectic couple of weeks, so let’s recap:
Major Parties:
The Socialist Party: That’s right everyone! It is back!!!!! No more political wilderness! No more FBI raids on headquarters! No more being the party everyone expected to be funded by Russia!
AND NO MORE SLUMMING ABOUT FOR DECADES WITH THE NAME “AMERICAN WORKERS PARTY!” I may not like them all that much, but even I was moved watching them formally vote to change the name back to The Socialist Party of America. That being said, I maintain playing up Bernie Sanders breaking down and sobbing openly was a step too far.
The Progressive Party: Has formally announced their opposition to elk, pheasant, and bear hunts. I... I... I think that they are either completely ignorant of history or are trying to solve the energy crisis. If by solving the energy crisis I mean digging up poor Teddy Roosevelt and attaching his spinning corpse to a generator...
The Republican Party: Wants everyone to know that they are now REALLY serious on public investment into our infrastructure. Bloomberg is now saying that a “greater fiscal effort” must be made. Just a reminder, this is the guy who literally SOLD THE BROOKLYN BRIDGE.
The Democratic Party: Bob Swigert has just claimed that he is the second coming of John the Baptist, poised to lead America back to the pure Christian theocracy it was always meant to be. And absolutely no one batted an eye. I think we can dig up poor Jefferson and tie him to that generator too... on the bright side, that’s one fusion ticket with the Republicans that can’t be repeated.
Minor Parties:
The Green Party: Are applauding the “
minor step forward by the Progressive Party... we hope that this may be extended to a condemnation of all other forms of hunting as well.” (Emphasis mine). Jeez, you guys are still hung up on that dropped fusion ticket in Maine?!
The Libertarian Party: want to make absolutely clear that they are not trying to turn Wyoming into a one party state. This despite the fact that their “concentration” program has officially hit 50,000 people, or nearly 10% of the state population!
The Reform Party: Is still claiming that America cannot be called a democracy so long as the electoral college remains intact. Give it a rest already!
Farmer-Labor Party: is trying to pair urban farmers with rural (re:
actual) farmers so they can bounce tips and tricks off each other. I never heard of a party rebranding attempt sound so much like a sitcom!
The Temperance Party: continues to run around screaming “We told you so!” about the latest news on technology addiction. At the rate they’re climbing in the polls...
The Communist Party: refuses to admit that they have switched from Marxism-Leninism to Maoism, despite receiving an engraved gold portrait of Chairman Xi from the Chinese Ambassador.
Fringe Parties:
KKK Party: Is arguing that the new movie in the Marvel series is proof that ethnic homogeneity results in far more impressive civilizations than multiculturalism. I almost wish they hadn’t tried going legit.
Black Panther Party: I swear, if I hear one more “the revolution will not be televised, but it will be cinematized” joke...
Our Land Party: The Most Sympathetic Group of Nativist Extremists Ever has voted to grant observer status in the party to people of Native or Mestizo ancestry from Latin America immigrating to this country, both legal and illegal, on the grounds that they’re much closer to the Land’s Rightful Inhabitants than those of us who came here across the oceans.
Know-Nothings: “Despite what they say and do the contrary, the Catholic Church has secretly supported abortion legalization in order to further their evil plot of world domination.” At least, that’s the condensed version of the rant Olaf Erickson went off on last Thursday.
Partido de Atzlan: Has announced a policy to free homeschooling kits en Espanol so that second and third generation immigrants don’t assimilate.
The Constitutional Party: announced on Wednesday that free beer would not be served at the upcoming convention in Elmira. Nearly the whole executive board has since requested police protection.
The Anti-Mason Party: is suing The History Channel for the loss of their free airtime.
Christian Conservative Party: insists that Swigert’s declaration is sacrilege. Pot, meet Kettle.
Independence Parties:
Alaska: Joe Volgler Jr. is now polling in second place for the gubernatorial election! WTF?!!
California: Party founder Max Schneider just was arrested for speeding... in Khabarovsk. What was he doing there, I wonder?
Cascadia: Everyone’s favorite band of morons...
(kicked by BKW again)
Dixie: Continues to insist that their parades with the Confederate Battle Flag are not intended to be racist, and they most certainly do not deserve the hate group designation from the SPLC. (Might move this to fringe party in next update)
Florida: has just received a body blow with the Cuban government announcing Saturday that they in no way recognize the legality of the movement. They are attempting to brush this off by claiming that nothing else should be expected from a US puppet...
Hawaii (Republican): would like to remind people that Hakuna Matata is Swahili, not Hawai’ian.
Hawaii (Monarchial): is pleased to report that the 50 ft long surfboard to be used by His Majesty on the North Shore as proof of his right to rule the islands is nearing completion. Fans who donated to the Kickstarter program rejoice. The 100 ft long board for the Governor of Hawaii being funded by the rival Kickstarter is still mired in technical difficulties though.
Key West: America’s favorite secessionist movement has just announced that they are opening a Kickstarter to fund an advertising campaign. All donations of $20 or more will receive a free key lime pie!
Lakota: is still milking that accidental meeting with the Swedish Ambassador for all its worth.
Montana: hasn’t updated their webpage since 2016.
New Mexico: Atzlan is doing a little too well for my liking...
Oklahoma: has actually won the right to have their appeal that the Indian Territory’s incorporation in the Union was illegal heard by the Circuit Court. If this actually goes all the way to the Supreme Court, we might want to grab our flags and scissors...
Puerto Rico: has just issued another We Are Really Sorry For The Role We Played In President Landon’s Assasination And Can You Please Stop Using Us As An Excuse To Not Hold A Referendum statement. I know that in the past I’ve included them into the Fringe Parties category, but when even the UN is taking their side...
South Carolina: has held a town hall meeting in Myrtle Beach where they made clear that being part of the USA and the CSA ended badly, so absolutely there is absolutely no way that they would ever join another federation if independent. They’re actually starting to pull equal with Dixie in the polls...
Texas: Is encouraging people to buy shares of Texas Central Railway’s recent IPO just to prove that they don’t need the Feds to finance major infrastructure projects. Last time I checked, they’re still in need of another... $8.5 billion...
Vermont: is experimenting with printing biodegradable membership cards. Greens are watching with bated breath...
State expulsionist/secessionist movements:
Alabama: No counties have yet voted to expel Montgomery or Mobile.
Alaska: Panhandle movement webpage not updated since 2015.
Arizona: -
Arkansas: 4 counties have voted to expel Pulaski County (Little Rock) so far.
California: Governor’s office has rejected the latest petition for a referendum the division of the state into 4 on the grounds of multiple illegible signatures. Better luck next time guys.
Colorado: the number of northeastern counties voting to secede is now up to 8. Combined population is still under 200,000 though.
Connecticut: -
Delamarva!: Apparently, the town council of Lewes is the latest body to vote for deeper ties with other peninsular communities.
Florida: With much of the energy having fallen out of the Florida Independence Party, increased interest has been paid to partitioning the state, at least according to the posts I’ve been reading. Both sides want Orange County (Orlando) though. Who knew Disney World was so popular?!
Georgia: The birthplace of the Southern city expulsion movement has now reported that 67 of their 159 counties have voted to expel Fulton County (Atlanta) from the state. Of those 67, 59 have also voted to expel DeKalb, and 38 have voted to expel Chatham County (Savannah). This is looking less like a protest movement, and more like a revolt...
Hawaii: Yes, people hate Honolulu and Oahu in general, but no votes by the other islands on expulsion or secession yet.
Idaho: -
Illinois: Support for expelling Chicago is polling at a staggering 62% in those counties not bordering Lake Michigan. Websites are not forthcoming though.
Indiana: -
Iowa: -
Jefferson: In the only successful new state movement so far, all is not well. After the board of Supervisors in Mendocino County voted a resolution calling for a name change to the state, the other counties are organizing a “Go the F*** back to California” movement that so far Modoc and Jackson counties have voted for. This is what happens when you’re a Progressive county in a Republican state...
Kentucky: After an abortive attempt, it seems the Expel Louisville movement has pettered out, making Kentucky the most stable state south of the Mason-Dixon Line after West Virginia.
Louisiana: New Orleans has pre-empted everyone by asking Baton Rouge for permission to leave. Clearly, they’re still pissed over 2005. Anyone who says Americans have short term memories can look at this for proof otherwise.
Maine: Probably exists, but Northern Maine doesn’t exactly have the Internet... or electricity...
Maryland: See Delmarva
Massachusetts: the Western Massachusetts secessionist movement is running an online name poll for the new state. As can be expected, “Massholeia” has more votes than all other entries combined.
Michigan: It’s well known Upper Peninsula wants out, but it’s running into the same problem Northern Maine has.
Minnesota: -
Mississippi: Eight counties voted to expel Hinds County (Jackson) so far.
Missouri: Two counties have voted to expel St. Louis so far.
Montana: -
Nebraska: a bunch of yokels want Omaha to leave. Really? Omaha?
Nevada: Everyone seems confused why no one is urging for Reno, Carson City, or Las Vegas to leave. They forget that no one actually lives in Nevada outside those three cities.
North Dakota: -
New Hampshire: -
New Jersey: The very great and wonderful South Jersey secessionist movement continues to do well. We’ve secured Salem County and are making some good inroads on Cumberland and Burlington! Referendum here we come!
New Mexico: -
New York: The Adirondack Movement has no counties voting for secession yet, but with 15% of the population, it’s only a matter of time.
North Carolina: 28 voting to expel Mecklenburg County (Charlotte) and 19 voting on Wake County (Raleigh). For their part, a movement is being organized in those counties to expel the ones that voted against them. I smell a state splitting in half...
Ohio:
Oregon: Apparently, those living on the eastern side of the Cascades are not as enthused of their western counterparts. They want to divide their states by east and west rather than north and south. Website not updated in six months though.
Oklahoma: -
Pennsylvania: Nothing new on the perennial attempts to split the Commonwealth in half.
Rhode Island: -
South Carolina: Two lonely backwoods counties have voted to try and get rid of Charleston.
South Dakota: -
Tennessee: Why anyone would want to get rid of Memphis is beyond me, but six counties do...
Texas: Democrats continue to suggest that Texas should be partitioned into five... even though two of those states would almost certainly vote Progressive.
Utah: -
Virginia: Some of the Shenandoah counties are thinking about trying to join West Virginia or form their own state. Others seem to want to join Tennessee, and of course, there’s Norfolk, which thinks it can be a military-industrial state all by its lonesome. Let’s not forget their two Delmarva! counties too.
Washington: See Oregon
West Virginia: -
Wisconsin: -
Wyoming: Some want to break off from Libertarian Land before it’s too late...
AND I AM BACK!!!!!