Alternate Cinematic Disasters
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And now, some MST3K-esque commentary on some alternate cinematic disasters.
Disney’s Catwoman, you say? And it’s a nickname for a live-action movie adaptation of Gargoyles. Also, Denzel Washington would make a good Goliath.
Herbie the Love Bug, but as a demonically possessed vehicle? That’s something Stephen King should write, I guess.
Oh dear, I don’t like where this is going.
This has Adult Party Cartoon written all over it!
If animated films started being successful, then I wonder if it could happen around the 1940s or later.
Next thing you know, Pearl Harbor could be one of them.
Jack Black as Tony Stark? Confusing casting choice, but ok.
Four alternate cinematic disasters in one go! Go figure.
I have to wonder who will be directing this movie.
The Beatles in Lord of the Rings. Arbitrary concept, but the execution could be…well…you know…
Surely with concept art, there’ll be something that could have been a better movie. The Let It Go song? Don’t even think about that.
Uwe Boll directing Transformers? Erm…
Is it a critical flop or a commercial flop? Pick one or the other.
Yeah…and not to mention that Woody even threatened a toy-destroying twerp with death, if I seem to recall correctly.
I wonder if this version ever went to home media.
Well, now I’ve seen everything.
Good thing too. Shrek did really better.
I wonder where that came from.
Huh. That was something.
Yep.
It happened with the prequels, so what about the sequels?
A movie adaptation of Bone could work, but not like this.
That one is so perplexing, of course.
Not to mention, Christopher Walken as Brainiac, Lex Luthor, AND Doomsday at the same time.
I imagine it is a commercial flop but critically well liked but not as much as the OTL film, though later its seen as in the top half of the Coen's filmography. The film does gain a more solid fan base in the late 2000's but isn't as talked about as other Coen films.
Also, due to Forrest Gump, the Coens put off the Hudsucker Proxy until 2004. Not wanting to make another southern themed film after doing Gump, and O Brother Where Art Thou, they release the Hudsucker Proxy, but instead stars Adrien Brody and Julianne Moore as the two leads and this version is received similarly to the OTL version and in the same year the remake of The Ladykillers is directed by Barry Sonnenfeld and its considered even more of a flop.
Driving Towards Destiny (1978)
On paper, this movie should have done much better than it actually did. A dramedy about a disillusioned race car driver who decides to make a name for himself with the fastest cross-UK car journey, and they had Tom Baker at the height of his Doctor Who-era fame as the lead? By all rights this should have done well.
The first problem: they didn't actually have Tom Baker. This was, again, the height of his time as the Doctor, and although producer Greg Smith did have two shooting days Baker owed him from a previous project that never got off the ground, Baker's schedule was such that he couldn't appear in person. What they did have was a picture of Baker sitting in a vintage race car...
If you're thinking, "They wouldn't!", sadly, they did. Throughout the entire film, Tom Baker never appears physically. Instead, he narrates over a picture of himself being slowly dragged over a map of the United Kingdom. The rest of the film is footage of crowds of spectators, or stock footage of whatever else Smith could get his hands on. Director Gerald Thomas, in the waning days of his career, had no idea what to do with the script, the lack of an actual person to shoot film of, or any of the other obstacles, and effectively directed the film on auto-pilot.
While the project's total budget is unknown, what is known is its box office gross - just under a thousand pounds. Total. On its first week it's said to have sold three tickets in the whole of the UK. Baker managed to escape unscathed because, again, he was both barely in the thing and in the prime of his tenure as the Doctor, but everyone else within a ten-kilometer radius of the project saw their careers take giant black marks.
(OOC: this was inspired by a dream I'd just had.)
On paper, this movie should have done much better than it actually did. A dramedy about a disillusioned race car driver who decides to make a name for himself with the fastest cross-UK car journey, and they had Tom Baker at the height of his Doctor Who-era fame as the lead? By all rights this should have done well.
The first problem: they didn't actually have Tom Baker. This was, again, the height of his time as the Doctor, and although producer Greg Smith did have two shooting days Baker owed him from a previous project that never got off the ground, Baker's schedule was such that he couldn't appear in person. What they did have was a picture of Baker sitting in a vintage race car...
If you're thinking, "They wouldn't!", sadly, they did. Throughout the entire film, Tom Baker never appears physically. Instead, he narrates over a picture of himself being slowly dragged over a map of the United Kingdom. The rest of the film is footage of crowds of spectators, or stock footage of whatever else Smith could get his hands on. Director Gerald Thomas, in the waning days of his career, had no idea what to do with the script, the lack of an actual person to shoot film of, or any of the other obstacles, and effectively directed the film on auto-pilot.
While the project's total budget is unknown, what is known is its box office gross - just under a thousand pounds. Total. On its first week it's said to have sold three tickets in the whole of the UK. Baker managed to escape unscathed because, again, he was both barely in the thing and in the prime of his tenure as the Doctor, but everyone else within a ten-kilometer radius of the project saw their careers take giant black marks.
(OOC: this was inspired by a dream I'd just had.)
The Toxic Avenger (2009)
a big budgeted remake based on a cult classic 80s film, The Toxic Avenger seems like cool idea at first then when the film continues on it falls flat on it's face and fails to understand what made the original movie so great.
starting off with the plot it follows Melvin Junko (played by Christopher Mintz-Plasse) a weakling of a guy who works in the Tromaville Health Club as a janitor till one day several people decide to dress him in a pink tutu and accidentally falls into some toxic chemical waste which mutates him into a
hideously deformed monster hero of superhuman sized and strength known as the Toxic Avenger aka Toxie (played excellently by Derek Mears) and everything else does kinda play out the same as the original movie but with some changes.
The are bunch of problems with the movie starting off it doesn't do nothing new with the original movie and it's just a bit of a copy past job and in some scenes they do recreate scenes from the original they do a bit of a poor job of replicating some of it as if it's going through the motions of the original movie, another problem has to be like parts of the film's attempts to be more serious then the original film is pathetic laughable where got even to the point of I'm just laughing at how stupid it is. Another bigger problem is when it tries to do something new or interesting it chickens out and wastes some potential like the scenes with Sara and more scenes with the residents of Tromaville and their moments helping out Toxie in the third act which either don't go anywhere to further the plot or in the case with Sara and the Tromaville citizens they get cut from the actual release of the movie
while Derek Mears does a decent job with Toxie and the effects on him and the bigger extent the gore were pretty well done the practical effects were one of the few saving graces but...... his international narration added in post production can overstay their welcome where it can disrupt the flow of the narrative and break the show don't tell rule as well spoon feed the audience what they already know what's going on. Sara's actress didn't do any better while everyone else is fine and hamming up for some of them, Sara has that blank expression that very little changes in the scenes she's in and she does fall flat being just there and had all her interesting scenes getting cut from the film, even with the gore it feels very underutilised much and for an R Rated movie it doesn't do much with it
oh man.. the CGI they are just bad they just feel like they don't belong here, but I'm sorry if you're gonna include an eco friendly message in the film just MAKE SURE YOU DON'T HAVE IT APPEAR OF THE BLUE WITHOUT ANY RHYME OR REASON
I've stand there rolling my eyes at the sequel baited post end credits teasing the appearance of the Noxious Offender and Amortville in its attempts to appease fans but Noxie's design looks atrocious and which by the way was the source of controversy within the fanbase as leaks came in
overall Toxic Avenger (2009) isn't a very good movie it's just stupid and unnecessary it doesn't get what made the original great and the fact it's there and it's attempts to cash in on Kick-Ass is baffling, the critics didn't like it and fans are divided over it's quality and are usually mostly one sided saying it's godawful and an affront to Troma's classic
also just watch the original movie instead
a big budgeted remake based on a cult classic 80s film, The Toxic Avenger seems like cool idea at first then when the film continues on it falls flat on it's face and fails to understand what made the original movie so great.
starting off with the plot it follows Melvin Junko (played by Christopher Mintz-Plasse) a weakling of a guy who works in the Tromaville Health Club as a janitor till one day several people decide to dress him in a pink tutu and accidentally falls into some toxic chemical waste which mutates him into a
hideously deformed monster hero of superhuman sized and strength known as the Toxic Avenger aka Toxie (played excellently by Derek Mears) and everything else does kinda play out the same as the original movie but with some changes.
The are bunch of problems with the movie starting off it doesn't do nothing new with the original movie and it's just a bit of a copy past job and in some scenes they do recreate scenes from the original they do a bit of a poor job of replicating some of it as if it's going through the motions of the original movie, another problem has to be like parts of the film's attempts to be more serious then the original film is pathetic laughable where got even to the point of I'm just laughing at how stupid it is. Another bigger problem is when it tries to do something new or interesting it chickens out and wastes some potential like the scenes with Sara and more scenes with the residents of Tromaville and their moments helping out Toxie in the third act which either don't go anywhere to further the plot or in the case with Sara and the Tromaville citizens they get cut from the actual release of the movie
while Derek Mears does a decent job with Toxie and the effects on him and the bigger extent the gore were pretty well done the practical effects were one of the few saving graces but...... his international narration added in post production can overstay their welcome where it can disrupt the flow of the narrative and break the show don't tell rule as well spoon feed the audience what they already know what's going on. Sara's actress didn't do any better while everyone else is fine and hamming up for some of them, Sara has that blank expression that very little changes in the scenes she's in and she does fall flat being just there and had all her interesting scenes getting cut from the film, even with the gore it feels very underutilised much and for an R Rated movie it doesn't do much with it
oh man.. the CGI they are just bad they just feel like they don't belong here, but I'm sorry if you're gonna include an eco friendly message in the film just MAKE SURE YOU DON'T HAVE IT APPEAR OF THE BLUE WITHOUT ANY RHYME OR REASON
I've stand there rolling my eyes at the sequel baited post end credits teasing the appearance of the Noxious Offender and Amortville in its attempts to appease fans but Noxie's design looks atrocious and which by the way was the source of controversy within the fanbase as leaks came in
overall Toxic Avenger (2009) isn't a very good movie it's just stupid and unnecessary it doesn't get what made the original great and the fact it's there and it's attempts to cash in on Kick-Ass is baffling, the critics didn't like it and fans are divided over it's quality and are usually mostly one sided saying it's godawful and an affront to Troma's classic
also just watch the original movie instead
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both Mitch Cohen, Mark Torgl and Lloyd Kaufman both initially liked the movie at first... then as some years go by that opinion soured as they feel the film didn't do a good job and even dubbed it mediocre
Ha! Compared to George Lucas's "Star Wars", Bakshi's "Dune" is a frickin' masterpiece!
Let's go for the trifecta - both look like Citizen Kane next to James Cameron's 'Titanic' from 1997. Highest budget movie to that point becomes an Internet meme for beyond-epic failure and makes Waterworld look like an artistic masterpiece. Granted the script might have worked on paper but Lenny Carpio or whatever his name was just didn't bring enough to the role. And when K-pop bands find you so much a pretty boy they create the phrase 'going full Lenny' you know you've probably gone too far.
Yeah but then the premise of how the Vulcans take over Earth after Kennedy sleeps with a stranded member of their Explorer Corps results in a 'diplomatic misunderstanding', especially after the Vulcan ship pushes Earth tech ahead enough to let Khan Noonien Singh actually land troops on Vulcan itself during the rebellion a generation or two later.