Alternate Cinematic Disasters

Gargoyles (2005): Hot off the success of Pirates of the Caribbean, Disney’s short-lived attempt to adapt its cartoon offerings for live action proved to be such a box office bomb that led to the studio abandoning such efforts until over a decade later with Frozen (2017). Known as “Disney’s Catwoman,” the casting of Michelle Rodriguez as Elisa Maza was met with mixed reception, while Denzel Washington’s Goliath was applauded for his performance despite the weak dialogue. Hudson was portrayed by Sean Connery in his final pre-retirement performance, and Brooklyn by Vin Diesel was a surprise hit. However, David Xanatos was not portrayed by Jonathan Frankes, who was originally rumored as the fan favorite, but because of scheduling issues for the shoot of Star Trek: Legacy, was played by Peter Gallagher (The O.C.) to the massive disappointment of fans.

Regardless of the cast, the visual effects direction mixing CGI filling in for costuming (seen in the widely-panned 1998 Lost in Space film) earned the movie a Razzie. The writing, which bizarrely emphasized a more “urban” direction (including the casting Andre 3000 as Elisa’s partner Detective Bobby Bluestone) became the stuff of meme fodder for years to come.
 
It’s not meant to be a shared universe, so go wild. I mostly meant it to be alternate versions of real world movies or franchises than movies about AH or movies in a very different ATL, but go where the muse takes you.
 
How about the film adaptation of the book Thirteen Reasons Why (2017)? There's a lot of reasons why that movie flopped. First, there's having Rob Zombie direct the movie--yeah, that wasn't a good decision (and Zombie himself admitted he should have turned it down--especially given his bad Halloween II experience) at all (I would have liked to have seen M. Night Shyamalan try his hand at it, as he was considered, but he was finishing up Split). There's also filming without a finished script (with a scriptwriter who hadn't read the book, to boot). Among the few good decisions--casting Anya Taylor-Joy as Hannah Baker, as her performance was universally praised, even by people who hated the movie.

Needless to say, when it came out, a lot of movie critics used variations on the title as the headline of their reviews. It also won the Razzie for Worst Picture, Worst Director (Rob Zombie showed up and accepted it in person), Worst Screen Combo, and Worst Supporting Actor...
 
What about that godawful George Lucas film, the Star Wars? That movie was nothing but 1970s' sci fi dreck. Poor writing, horrible special effects. It's got some decent actors, but that's about it. George Lucas was too obsessed with ripping off Flash Gordon to make a good movie. Can you believe he wanted to make a trilogy of this garbage? No wonder he retired from filmmaking in 1978.
 
What about that godawful George Lucas film, the Star Wars? That movie was nothing but 1970s' sci fi dreck. Poor writing, horrible special effects. It's got some decent actors, but that's about it. George Lucas was too obsessed with ripping off Flash Gordon to make a good movie. Can you believe he wanted to make a trilogy of this garbage? No wonder he retired from filmmaking in 1978.

Contrast that train Wreck with Disney's ''The Black Hole'' trilogy that started two years later and you'll see why one is praised and celebrated and the other is seen as a shit smeer on the face of sci-fi.
 
Last edited:
Then there was the film adaptation of that awful novel "Guns of the South".
What an utterly ridiculous concept...
:evilsmile:
 
Italiano Medio (2015): Marcello Macchia (alias Maccio Capatonda)'s first and only movie, it was a box office bomb, costing 1,7 milion € and making back only 995,054€ , a loss that damaged Medusa Productions severely, and lead Marcello Macchia's retirement from moviemaking outside a few roles as dubber.
The movie is about Giulio Verme, a seemingly-upstanding and proper man, who one day takes a pill allegedly reducing his intellect to 2% of normality, leading him to turn into the "Italiano Medio" of the title, a sex-obsessed and materialistic mentally-handicapped man, has been critically lambasted as "preachy, predictable and pointlessly estreophiliac", and the humor was compared to the one that could be found in the same TV programmes the movie criticized, without the slightest amount of irony in its usage. On top of that, the ending was enough to lead a lawsuit from the makers of "L'Isola dei Famosi", one that ultimately went nowhere but still discouraged anymore treading on the topic.
 
Last edited:
While a live-action adaptation of the ever-popular Transformers franchise had been on fans' wishlist for decades, the critical and financial flop of 2007's Di Bonaventura/Dreamworks adaptation soured the chances for any potential sequels. The studio blamed a concerted smear campaign from fans objecting to leaked character designs (rivaling TRUK NOT MUNKY for memeable flame bait) but public consensus firmly blamed the lackluster performances of actors, confusing story (partially addressed with the release of the Definitive Edition Director's Cut in 2009 that restored some cut scenes at the expense of a nearly three hour run time), and an over-reliance on shakey-cam filming that left some viewers motion sick.
To his credit, director Michael Bay took the flop as a learning experience, his next film, Acceleration, was a pseudo-documentary about short circuit lunar buggy racing, filmed on a budget of 30 million dollars and relied heavily on practical effects and rear-projection screens running backgrounds in real-time.

It would not be until 2015 when Hasbro approached Dreamworks Animation to produce a full-length Transformers animated film. Transformers: Herald of Primus featured an all-new cast of characters exploring relics from Cybertron's ancient past and made full use of the PG-13 rating to craft what is considered one of the best sci-fi horror movies since Alien. Well received by established and new fans alike for excellent character writing, an engaging mystery plot, and numerous easter eggs and references to Transformers lore, Herald of Primus would further its success with the Netflix release of the sequel mini-series, Transformers: Covenant, in 2017.
 
Star Trek II. The plot of going back in time and having to make sure the JFK assassination still happened made the film extremely unpopular. Roddenberry's idea was hated by the studio but it happened anyway. Nimoy stated he had to get drunk to film the Grassy Knoll scene.
 
When Bob Guccione tried to follow-up Caligula with The Crimes Of Albert Fish, about the cannibalistic child-killer. For legal reasons he had to change Fish's victims to young-looking older teenagers, and to appeal to the desired demographic, he made them all girls.

Unfortunately for old Bob, early 80s audiences displayed less stomach for scenes of near- children being tortured and and eaten than they had for scenes of Roman aristocrats screwing horses and disemboweling their servants, and the film was a failure even by the standards of shock porn.

I gather that guy Hopkins pretty much disappeared from respectable cinema after that, ended up doing voiceover work for TV ads or something. Serves him right for trying to make serial-murder and cannibalism seem glamorous to the moviegoing public.
 
The Ren and Stimpy Movie

Released by Miramax Films in the Summer of 1994

Directors
John Kricfalusi
Bob Camp
Vincent Waller

Executive Producers
John Kricfalusi
Bob Weinstein
Harvey Weinstein

Writers
John K
Jim Gomez
Vincent Waller
Bob Camp
Chris Reccardi

Cameos
Whoopi Goldberg
Kevin Spacey
Garry Shandling
Billy Crystal
John Goodman
Weird Al Yankovic
Cyndi Lauper
Paul Reubens

Segments
Man's Best Friend
Bikini Beach Frenzy
Onward and Upward
Jimmy the Idiot Boy
Cans Without Labels
Ren Seeks Help

Casual audiences and fans of the TV series were left wondering how this film did not work.
 

PNWKing

Banned
What about that 1989 Batman movie? Tim Burton being fired midway through because Warner Bros. wanted a tone (at the behest of people like Don Wildmon and Pat Robertson) closer to the 1960s show to make it "kid-friendly", read to sell toys. And the casting: John Goodman as Batman, come on he isn't a believable Batman let alone Bruce Wayne, I wonder what the fate of Superhero movies would have been...………………...
 
What about that 1989 Batman movie? Tim Burton being fired midway through because Warner Bros. wanted a tone (at the behest of people like Don Wildmon and Pat Robertson) closer to the 1960s show to make it "kid-friendly", read to sell toys. And the casting: John Goodman as Batman, come on he isn't a believable Batman let alone Bruce Wayne, I wonder what the fate of Superhero movies would have been...………………...

Well, we wouldn't have seen Universal and Marvel stepping in the save the day, that's for sure. Burton was out for vengeance when he was personally asked by Stan Lee to direct the first-ever Spider-Man movie in 1990. Jack Nicholson signed on as the Green Goblin because he got snubbed for the Joker role, thanks to the ''Moral Outrage''. River Pheonix pretty much made comic books cool in the eyes of mainstream audiences. We couldn't have asked for a better Spidey.
 

PNWKing

Banned
Well, we wouldn't have seen Universal and Marvel stepping in the save the day, that's for sure. Burton was out for vengeance when he was personally asked by Stan Lee to direct the first-ever Spider-Man movie in 1990. Jack Nicholson signed on as the Green Goblin because he got snubbed for the Joker role, thanks to the ''Moral Outrage''. River Pheonix pretty much made comic books cool in the eyes of mainstream audiences. We couldn't have asked for a better Spidey.
Yes that was a good movie. I like it personally.
 
Yes that was a good movie. I like it personally.

It's because of that movie and all the subsequent marvel flicks that came after that the 90s were such an awesome time for Superheros. Bruce Timm and Paul Dini going to Marvel Productions aside. WB's screw up made them sell their entire DC Division to Disney by the start of the decade.
 
Brokedown Palace (1999)

Effectively the same as the OTL film, but due to budgetary constraints, it was filmed mainly in Llandudno, making it a prime source of snark bait. (The Bangkok Airport Shuttle, for example, was a First North Western Class 150 on a Conwy Valley Service to Blaenau Ffestiniog, and the arrest scene was filmed at Holyhead Ferry Terminal - with visible Stenaline signage). Scenes in the prison, meanwhile, were filmed at the Ffestiniog Railway's Boston Lodge Works. Comments made by Claire Danes about her experiences while filming resulted in her being declared persona non grata in Wales, which due to a legal loophole included all train services operated by Arriva Trains Wales.
 
Top