Alternate Cinematic Disasters
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Psycho (2007)
Gus Van Sant had considered doing a shot-for-shot remake of the classic Alfred Hitchcock movie Psycho, but decided not to do so. Rob Zombie, OTOH, had no such restrictions, and that should tell you everything you need to know about why his remake of Psycho is so bad. Granted, not everything about the movie is bad--Walt Goggins is good as Norman Bates, portraying him with just the right amount of friendliness and creepiness (you can tell that something's off about him from the start), and Shari Moon Zombie is an OK Marion Crane (but she's no Janet Leigh, IMO), but that doesn't make up for how bad the movie is, though it is now seen as a bit of a cult classic. Nominated for multiple Razzies in 2007, it lost in every category it was nominated in (Picture, Director, Actor, Actress, and Supporting Actor (for Sid Haig as Arbogast) to either I Know Who Killed Me (the eventual Razzie winner), and the Eddie Murphy movie Norbit. Zombie had a choice between remaking this or Halloween (the original version of which starred Janet Leigh's (aka Marion Crane in the original Psycho) daughter, Jamie Lee Curtis, as Laurie) and chose this instead of Halloween, so it could have been worse...
Gus Van Sant had considered doing a shot-for-shot remake of the classic Alfred Hitchcock movie Psycho, but decided not to do so. Rob Zombie, OTOH, had no such restrictions, and that should tell you everything you need to know about why his remake of Psycho is so bad. Granted, not everything about the movie is bad--Walt Goggins is good as Norman Bates, portraying him with just the right amount of friendliness and creepiness (you can tell that something's off about him from the start), and Shari Moon Zombie is an OK Marion Crane (but she's no Janet Leigh, IMO), but that doesn't make up for how bad the movie is, though it is now seen as a bit of a cult classic. Nominated for multiple Razzies in 2007, it lost in every category it was nominated in (Picture, Director, Actor, Actress, and Supporting Actor (for Sid Haig as Arbogast) to either I Know Who Killed Me (the eventual Razzie winner), and the Eddie Murphy movie Norbit. Zombie had a choice between remaking this or Halloween (the original version of which starred Janet Leigh's (aka Marion Crane in the original Psycho) daughter, Jamie Lee Curtis, as Laurie) and chose this instead of Halloween, so it could have been worse...
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Paranoia: Alpha Complex, 2014, written by David Koepp, directed by Alex Proyas, produced by Warner Brothers.
Another in the long string of failed tabletop RPG adaptations, this film, based on the popular satirical RPG Paranoia, should have worked. Unfortunately, the problems could be summed up in one word: tone.
David Koepp openly admitted to having no idea what Paranoia was before he was given the job to write a film about it. After skimming through a "world bible" document written by the game's writers, he decided to "update" the game's setting to fit modern perceptions. His first change was altering Friend Computer's favorite scapegoats from "communists" to "terrorists", and further tied Alpha Complex's color-coding system into the "terrorist threat level" (which most considered a badly-outdated reference). His script opted to focus on the tragedy of Alpha Complex, shedding the game's signature humor.
On paper, Alex Proyas was a great choice, with many fans fondly remembering Dark City and holding that up as to why he would do well directing this film. Proyas, however, embraced Koepp's decision to move away from humor, staging scenes at a glacial pace and ordering his cast (which included Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Daniel Day-Lewis, and a woefully miscast Natalie Portman) to underplay their performances, giving the movie a feel of very little actually happening. He also chose to shoot scenes set in specific districts of Alpha Complex with matching color filters (for example, RED was filmed with red filters), an effect that gained harsh criticism for being very hard on the eyes.
After early test screenings could only be called abysmal, Proyas re-edited the film to two hours (the original cut was 145 minutes) and restructured it to focus on character moments, but eventually gave up and dropped it into distribution. The $90 million film crashed and burned, with fans of the game incensed by the attempt to make it "dark and sad" and non-fans just not caring. Its worldwide gross was ultimately under $30 million. Ultimately, it was nominated for three Razzies (Worst Screenplay, Worst Picture, and Worst Actress for Portman) and took home one (Screenplay), as well as receiving a special "Worst Cinematography" for its color filters.
Another in the long string of failed tabletop RPG adaptations, this film, based on the popular satirical RPG Paranoia, should have worked. Unfortunately, the problems could be summed up in one word: tone.
David Koepp openly admitted to having no idea what Paranoia was before he was given the job to write a film about it. After skimming through a "world bible" document written by the game's writers, he decided to "update" the game's setting to fit modern perceptions. His first change was altering Friend Computer's favorite scapegoats from "communists" to "terrorists", and further tied Alpha Complex's color-coding system into the "terrorist threat level" (which most considered a badly-outdated reference). His script opted to focus on the tragedy of Alpha Complex, shedding the game's signature humor.
On paper, Alex Proyas was a great choice, with many fans fondly remembering Dark City and holding that up as to why he would do well directing this film. Proyas, however, embraced Koepp's decision to move away from humor, staging scenes at a glacial pace and ordering his cast (which included Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Daniel Day-Lewis, and a woefully miscast Natalie Portman) to underplay their performances, giving the movie a feel of very little actually happening. He also chose to shoot scenes set in specific districts of Alpha Complex with matching color filters (for example, RED was filmed with red filters), an effect that gained harsh criticism for being very hard on the eyes.
After early test screenings could only be called abysmal, Proyas re-edited the film to two hours (the original cut was 145 minutes) and restructured it to focus on character moments, but eventually gave up and dropped it into distribution. The $90 million film crashed and burned, with fans of the game incensed by the attempt to make it "dark and sad" and non-fans just not caring. Its worldwide gross was ultimately under $30 million. Ultimately, it was nominated for three Razzies (Worst Screenplay, Worst Picture, and Worst Actress for Portman) and took home one (Screenplay), as well as receiving a special "Worst Cinematography" for its color filters.
The scene where Roxy was basically trying to seduce Rio probably went a bit too far.
You know, upon retrospect, the failure of that movie is the reason why Pixar decides to go back to making commercials. At least Shrek came in the save the CGI movie stuff in theaters.
"Yellow Submarine" -- atrocious and completely unnecessary live-action remake of the 1968 cartoon
"Blair Witch Project" - Why did someone think a trip to the woods with a creepy local legend would be worth filming?
"Patton" - Maybe if George Scott had played Patton and Karl Malden had played Bradley instead the reverse this movie would have had a chance. Telly Savalas was also rumored to have tried out for Patton...
"Die Hard" - Not the most memorable role for Al Pacino, but there were what, ten other actors seriously considered for the role?
"Patton" - Maybe if George Scott had played Patton and Karl Malden had played Bradley instead the reverse this movie would have had a chance. Telly Savalas was also rumored to have tried out for Patton...
"Die Hard" - Not the most memorable role for Al Pacino, but there were what, ten other actors seriously considered for the role?
Here's one:
No Holds Barred--yes, the Hulk Hogan movie with Meryl Streep, of all people, who is the most entertaining thing about the movie, IMO--she even admitted she stopped taking it seriously after the infamous "dookie" scene and did it only for the money. If she hadn't followed this up with She-Devil and Evita, she might have gone through a career derailment, and Streep considers this her worst movie, with Still of the Night a close second...
No Holds Barred--yes, the Hulk Hogan movie with Meryl Streep, of all people, who is the most entertaining thing about the movie, IMO--she even admitted she stopped taking it seriously after the infamous "dookie" scene and did it only for the money. If she hadn't followed this up with She-Devil and Evita, she might have gone through a career derailment, and Streep considers this her worst movie, with Still of the Night a close second...
Could be worse, the role originally went to Roseanne Barr - hence the title. Imagine what *that* could have looked like.
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@Admiral Bloonbeard @PGSBHurricane
King Kong (1933)
Oh jeez. . . where do I begin? Um. . . uh. . . oh right.
Honestly, Bruh, what on almighty God's Pure and Holy Green Earth was Cooper and Schoedsack smoking on when they thought that a story about a gigantic black fur Dinosaur-fighting Gorilla who unapologetically simps for a Blonde who just screams from the top of her lungs for most of the film?
Like bro, I honestly expected the big critter to just assert his primate dominance over those rotten Dinos to prove himself to be the King of Skull Island. It's not like the Natives literally worshipped him like a literal primal god or anything.
But no, the Natives did a very big dumb-dumb by handing Kong the Blonde who cost the Gorilla his own damn life.
"Eighth Wonder of the World" and "It was Beauty who killed the Beast" my sorry ass, couldn't the film have better lines than those two so-called "iconic" ones?
I kind of feel bad for O'Brien for wasting his Stop-Motion Animation expertise on what's basically an absolute hot garbage take of "Beauty and Beast", ugh.
King Kong (1933)
Oh jeez. . . where do I begin? Um. . . uh. . . oh right.
Honestly, Bruh, what on almighty God's Pure and Holy Green Earth was Cooper and Schoedsack smoking on when they thought that a story about a gigantic black fur Dinosaur-fighting Gorilla who unapologetically simps for a Blonde who just screams from the top of her lungs for most of the film?
Like bro, I honestly expected the big critter to just assert his primate dominance over those rotten Dinos to prove himself to be the King of Skull Island. It's not like the Natives literally worshipped him like a literal primal god or anything.
But no, the Natives did a very big dumb-dumb by handing Kong the Blonde who cost the Gorilla his own damn life.
"Eighth Wonder of the World" and "It was Beauty who killed the Beast" my sorry ass, couldn't the film have better lines than those two so-called "iconic" ones?
I kind of feel bad for O'Brien for wasting his Stop-Motion Animation expertise on what's basically an absolute hot garbage take of "Beauty and Beast", ugh.
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Dungeons & Dragons (1983)
Director: John Boorman.
Writers: Gary Gygax & John Boorman
Starring: Emilio Estevez (Hank), Michael J. Fox (Eric), Elisabeth Shue (Shelia), Rae Dawn Chong (Diana), Alan Ruck (Presto), River Phoenix (Bobby), Gene Wilder (Dungeon Master) & Oroson Welles (Venger)
The success of Conan the Barbarian (1982) had persuaded TSR to finally throw their hat into the ring and turn the most successful roleplaying game in the world into a movie. Though originally proposed as an animated series Gary Gygax's success at negotiating with Irish director John Boorman (the man behind Excalibur in 1981) and Hollywood legend Orson Welles gave the project a heft just crying out for a feature film.
Dungeons & Dragons concerned itself with a group of normal teenagers who found themselves magically stranded on a fantasy world. Advised by the enigmatic Dungeon Master and opposed by the evil Venger the young heroes received magical skills and weapons as they sought to find their way home. The film suffered from a middling budget given it's subject and some tonal wobbles between light heartedness and earnestness but the at the time mostly unknown young cast was praised, old pros Welles and Wilder brought a touch of class and Boorman managed to invest the film with a strange, dream like eeriness that would later make it a cult classic.
Unfortunately the film flopped at the box office, in great part due to a successful smear campaign by Patricia Pulling and BAAD (Bothered About Dungeons and Dragons) which saw a huge number of small town movie theatres refuse to screen the film at all. Though Pulling's crusade eventually collapsed due to the total lack of evidence linking D&D with the cult the damage was enough to sink the movie and it would be many years before TSR even dared consider turning D&D to the big or small screen...
Director: John Boorman.
Writers: Gary Gygax & John Boorman
Starring: Emilio Estevez (Hank), Michael J. Fox (Eric), Elisabeth Shue (Shelia), Rae Dawn Chong (Diana), Alan Ruck (Presto), River Phoenix (Bobby), Gene Wilder (Dungeon Master) & Oroson Welles (Venger)
The success of Conan the Barbarian (1982) had persuaded TSR to finally throw their hat into the ring and turn the most successful roleplaying game in the world into a movie. Though originally proposed as an animated series Gary Gygax's success at negotiating with Irish director John Boorman (the man behind Excalibur in 1981) and Hollywood legend Orson Welles gave the project a heft just crying out for a feature film.
Dungeons & Dragons concerned itself with a group of normal teenagers who found themselves magically stranded on a fantasy world. Advised by the enigmatic Dungeon Master and opposed by the evil Venger the young heroes received magical skills and weapons as they sought to find their way home. The film suffered from a middling budget given it's subject and some tonal wobbles between light heartedness and earnestness but the at the time mostly unknown young cast was praised, old pros Welles and Wilder brought a touch of class and Boorman managed to invest the film with a strange, dream like eeriness that would later make it a cult classic.
Unfortunately the film flopped at the box office, in great part due to a successful smear campaign by Patricia Pulling and BAAD (Bothered About Dungeons and Dragons) which saw a huge number of small town movie theatres refuse to screen the film at all. Though Pulling's crusade eventually collapsed due to the total lack of evidence linking D&D with the cult the damage was enough to sink the movie and it would be many years before TSR even dared consider turning D&D to the big or small screen...
Magic: The Gathering (2019), written by Charles Leavitt (from a story by Mark Rosewater), directed by Luc Besson, produced by Paramount
The world's most successful collectible card game was always going to be a hard sell as a film adaptation, due to the sheer amount of story and characters it had amassed over three decades. When the idea of a film did come up, Mark Rosewater, long-time head of design, tried to come up with a workable story treatment. His first two attempts, based on the Brother's War and the Weatherlight saga, were rejected as being too tied up with the backstory of the game. The treatment that was finally accepted drew harsh looks from the playerbase, as it focused on the unpopular Gatewatch arc.
Charles Leavitt, whose last film was Warcraft, initially worked with Rosewater to adapt the characters and setting to the screen, but ultimately rejected his help due to what he deemed "irreconcilable visions". The script was leaked onto the Internet and caused concerns for focusing heavily on Gideon and Jace, with Nissa, Chandra, and Liliana reduced to secondary characters (to the point Nissa appeared in literally two scenes, with a total of less than ten lines). Moreover, the film's villain was Tezzeret, who was redesigned to remove his mechanical arm, instead of Nicol Bolas, the Gatewatch's actual enemy (and Tezzeret's boss).
This turned out to be the start of a significant "unmagicalization" of the film. As concept art and early filming shots leaked out, it became clear that Leavitt wanted to make the series more "down to earth" - which many fans called bullshit on, given that the series has the word "Magic" in its actual title. Nissa and a pointlessly-cameoing Ajani were redesigned as humans, fight scenes involved more swordplay and arrows than spells, and magical creatures were notable by their absence.
Luc Besson, still steaming from the failure of Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets, rejected Leavitt's original idea to set the film on Zendikar, demanding a more "mundane" setting. Ravnica was chosen, and Besson was criticized for rehashing large portions of the film's visuals from Valerian. An ornithopter chase was later discovered to be almost a reskin of scenes from that film.
Kellen Lutz was given the main role of Gideon Jura, leading many to claim he was cast solely for his muscles. Jace (who was treated as the film's comic relief) went to Robert Pattinson; ironically, this was the casting choice least protested (mostly because most players hated Jace anyway). Chloe Grace Moretz was cast as Chandra, while Elizabeth Debicki caused an uproar when she refused to either dye her hair or wear a wig to play Liliana.
The film was given a wide release, with an accompanying MTG special release of cards with art modeled after the film versions of the characters. After the second week, however, it went from 1,000 theaters to barely 400, before finally being dropped onto VOD at the start of what was supposed to be its fourth week. Its final total gross was $20 million on a $100 million budget. Kellen Lutz would "win" a Worst Actor Razzie for his performance, as well as taking Worst Screen Combo alongside Elizabeth Debicki.
The world's most successful collectible card game was always going to be a hard sell as a film adaptation, due to the sheer amount of story and characters it had amassed over three decades. When the idea of a film did come up, Mark Rosewater, long-time head of design, tried to come up with a workable story treatment. His first two attempts, based on the Brother's War and the Weatherlight saga, were rejected as being too tied up with the backstory of the game. The treatment that was finally accepted drew harsh looks from the playerbase, as it focused on the unpopular Gatewatch arc.
Charles Leavitt, whose last film was Warcraft, initially worked with Rosewater to adapt the characters and setting to the screen, but ultimately rejected his help due to what he deemed "irreconcilable visions". The script was leaked onto the Internet and caused concerns for focusing heavily on Gideon and Jace, with Nissa, Chandra, and Liliana reduced to secondary characters (to the point Nissa appeared in literally two scenes, with a total of less than ten lines). Moreover, the film's villain was Tezzeret, who was redesigned to remove his mechanical arm, instead of Nicol Bolas, the Gatewatch's actual enemy (and Tezzeret's boss).
This turned out to be the start of a significant "unmagicalization" of the film. As concept art and early filming shots leaked out, it became clear that Leavitt wanted to make the series more "down to earth" - which many fans called bullshit on, given that the series has the word "Magic" in its actual title. Nissa and a pointlessly-cameoing Ajani were redesigned as humans, fight scenes involved more swordplay and arrows than spells, and magical creatures were notable by their absence.
Luc Besson, still steaming from the failure of Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets, rejected Leavitt's original idea to set the film on Zendikar, demanding a more "mundane" setting. Ravnica was chosen, and Besson was criticized for rehashing large portions of the film's visuals from Valerian. An ornithopter chase was later discovered to be almost a reskin of scenes from that film.
Kellen Lutz was given the main role of Gideon Jura, leading many to claim he was cast solely for his muscles. Jace (who was treated as the film's comic relief) went to Robert Pattinson; ironically, this was the casting choice least protested (mostly because most players hated Jace anyway). Chloe Grace Moretz was cast as Chandra, while Elizabeth Debicki caused an uproar when she refused to either dye her hair or wear a wig to play Liliana.
The film was given a wide release, with an accompanying MTG special release of cards with art modeled after the film versions of the characters. After the second week, however, it went from 1,000 theaters to barely 400, before finally being dropped onto VOD at the start of what was supposed to be its fourth week. Its final total gross was $20 million on a $100 million budget. Kellen Lutz would "win" a Worst Actor Razzie for his performance, as well as taking Worst Screen Combo alongside Elizabeth Debicki.
Not much yet. Though I'm sure concept art will show up over the years.
How about Blumhouse’s slasher movie adaptation of The Love Boat? If their horror movie adaptation of Fantasy Island didn’t work out so well, what made them think doing the exact same thing with a different ‘70s TV show would be any different?
Need someone to imagine what the Star Wars sequel trilogy with George Lucas' midichlorian microscopic adventures concept would be like