I started Dirty Laundry: An Alternate 1980s over four years ago, and since then, the thread has stretched out to over 1,200 posts and hundreds of thousands of pageviews. But I know that a lot of new readers have joined the board since then, and diving into a monster TL can be a little intimidating, so I put together this little FAQ to help you get started without (necessarily) reading 1,200 prior entries. I hope you like it -- and I hope you'll read Dirty Laundry!
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The Dirty Laundry FAQ
What is “Dirty Laundry?”
“Dirty Laundry” is the sixth track – and only hit – off of ex-Eagles frontman Don Henley’s first solo album, I Can’t Stand Still. Written in 1982, “Dirty Laundry” is fantastic, eerily prescient, and very, very 80s. It charted on the Billboard Top 100 for 19 weeks, reaching #3 at its peak, and was the kind of runaway hit that helped pave the way for Don Henley to become a solo superstar in the 1980s. Sadly, you can no longer see the original video online. For the time being – that is, until a representative from the frequently litigious Mr. Henley finds this unauthorized upload to YouTube – you can at least enjoy listening to it here. (EDIT: Nope! Henley has issued a takedown notice; how about right here, instead?)
Seriously! Go do that. It’ll put you in the right frame of reference to enjoy this little piece. I’ll still be here when you get back.
No, no, I mean, what is Dirty Laundry, this thing that I’m considering reading?
Dirty Laundry is a largely pop-cultural alternate history inspired by, and very much in the vein of, That Wacky Redhead by Brainbin. The TL has a narrative thread, which focuses on the continuing adventures of Don Henley, his erstwhile friend, enabler, and songwriter Danny “Kootch” Kortchmar, Henley’s campaign manager Dave Orlovsky, his wife Maren Jensen, his political mentor Gary Hart, and others. The narrator is notoriously unreliable.
In addition to the main-sequence plot -- which is moving at a glacial pace -- the bulk of the timeline is a “scrapbook”-style collection of newspaper articles, Roger Ebert movie reviews, alternate Wikipedia entries, chronological summaries, TV show transcripts, and other ephemera designed to give you a sense of cultural immersion into the alternate universe that unfolds in Dirty Laundry. If you tend to like that sort of thing, you’ll probably like Dirty Laundry.
What’s the point of departure (POD) for Dirty Laundry?
December 14, 1981. In this TL, a somewhat-inebriated Henley and Kortchmar spill a rather large quantity of vodka on the notes that would have become “Dirty Laundry,” and never actually wind up finishing the song. As a result, Henley’s first solo album, I Can’t Stand Still is a major flop instead of a hit, and Henley is dropped from his record label and spends his newly-found spare time writing even more angry letters to the editor of his local newspaper than he did IOTL.
How could that possibly make any real difference on the world as we know it?
A lot of the fun I have writing Dirty Laundry is in trying to extrapolate out all of the changes that would flow from that tiny little change. The music scene is most obvious; Don Henley was one of the most celebrated artists of the 1980s. After the success of “Dirty Laundry,” Henley would release two multiplatinum albums (1984’s Building the Perfect Beast) and 1989’s The End of the Innocence), which in turn would spawn an additional twelve singles (seven of which were runaway Top 40 hits), and numerous Grammy awards. Just taking songs like “The Boys of Summer” and “The End of the Innocence” out of circulation is bound to have significant effects on the industry.
Now consider that Don Henley’s 1982 record label was Asylum Records, a subsidiary of Warner Communications. In addition to owning the Warner Bros. studios, Warner also owns Atari – which, as of 1982, was the fastest-growing company of all time.
Oh, and Henley himself was – and is, IOTL as well – very interested in politics, and so, after being fired from his musical career, Henley decides to run for office instead.
So that’s music, politics, movies, computers, and video games – all up in the air thanks to the fate of one song!
Uh huh. What other things do you cover in Dirty Laundry?
What, that list isn’t enough for you?? Okay, you asked for it! There’s children’s toys, TV shows, the Olympics, serial killers, sports, the Meese Commission on Pornography, Christopher Hitchens, Raisin Bran cereal, violent revolution in the Philippines, comic books, “Satanic Panic” and the rise of the religious right, animal rights, Rush Limbaugh, and New Coke.
If you can’t find anything that piques your interest in that list, how about a smokin’ hot picture of Tawny Kitaen?
After all that, if you’re still dissatistifed… well, then perhaps Dirty Laundry isn’t for you after all. This makes me sad.
So what are the major themes of Dirty Laundry?
One of the biggest is what I would call a “plausible reversal of expectations.” IOTL, Steven Spielberg’s E.T. is a beloved movie classic – and also the worst video game of all time. In the Dirty Laundryverse, however, E.T. is synonymous with the worst movie of all time, while the videogame adaptation becomes the first “killer app” that saves the Atari 2600.
As a result, in our 1984, Atari was hemorrhaging money, and the otherwise-profitable Warner Communications sold it as scrap for peanuts to ex-Commodore CEO Jack Tramiel, who used the rapidly-dwindling Atari brand to hawk cheap home computers and poorly-received videogame systems. In the Dirty Laundryverse, Atari is the sole bright spot in the troubled movie studio’s portfolio – and so is sold for six billion dollars to conglomerate Honeywell, which positions the new Atari as a powerhouse alternative to IBM in the business computing world.
Meanwhile, you’ll find the two biggest powerhouse tech companies out of OTL’s 1980s suffering similar reversals of fortune; Microsoft struggles to make it in the business world, and Apple finds itself on the verge of extinction.
Or try this on for size. If I asked you to name “the most enduring pop stars of the 1980s,” three of the very first people who are likely to come to mind are Michael Jackson, Madonna, and Prince. In the Dirty Laundryverse, however, Prince is a flop, Michael Jackson never becomes the “Wacko Jacko” of our timeline, and Madonna flames out rather spectacularly under the weight of her own showmanship, such that by 1986, she has a less successful recording career than schlocky (but hunky) "Miami Vice" star Don Johnson.
There are lots of other examples of this; one of my favorites is turning Starship’s “We Built This City” – regarded by critics as the very worst song of the 1980s – into a critically-acclaimed masterpiece.
Well, I think it’s fun, anyway.
Are there any other themes of note in Dirty Laundry?
Again, lots! Literarily, Dirty Laundry tries to emphasize the moral ambiguity of key figures in history, such that "villains" get as sympathetic a light as possible, and heroes are frequently taken down a peg. Thematically, I try to show the diversity of '80s music in both timelines. One recurring motif in particular is Dirty Laundry's penchant for taking prominent members of bands and placing them in a plausible new context. This post packs a number of them into a very short space: Axl Rose becomes the lead singer for Motley Crue in 1985, with Slash serving as lead guitarist for first Poison and then Def Leppard (with a fully intact Rick Allen). Boston’s Brad Delp becomes the new frontman for Van Halen, rather than Sammy Hagar, giving us “Brad Halen” instead of OTL’s “Van Hagar.” Jon Bon Jovi takes over for Stephen Pearcy in RATT. And then there’s Magnatar, an unholy almagamation of Slayer and the Beastie Boys. And so much more.
Do I really have to read through 54 pages and over 1,000 posts to start reading Dirty Laundry?
No, I don’t think so. You might be slightly taken aback by things like Michael Jordan leading the Houston Rockets into the promised land, or the Scorpions teaming up with Barry Manilow to produce a Grammy-nominated #1 hit, but my guess is that you can start reading just by knowing that Don Henley was elected to Congress via special election in 1985, recently re-elected in 1986, and things haven't quite been the same ever since.
Hopefully this FAQ will make you want to go back and curl up with some of the old posts, though; they're not bad, if I do say so myself.
What if I don’t like ‘80s Music?
Wait, you don’t like any ‘80s music? You don’t like Billy Joel, or Heart, or Survivor, or the Scorpions? What about Guns n’ Roses, Run-D.M.C., or 80s New Wave?
Nope. None of that.
Really? Okay. Um… what about obscure R&B singer Stephanie Mills? Or the comedic disco stylings of the Weather Girls?
(My point – and something I try to emphasize in Dirty Laundry – is that the ‘80s were an awfully diverse time for music.)
Nope. I hate all of those acts. Does Dirty Laundry have anything that isn’t the 1980s?
Well, a little bit. There’s some flash-forwarding, where we learn fun things like the identity of New York City’s mayor in 1993, a retrospective on the four (!) Back to the Future films, and a very special look at the futures of both Kurt Cobain and MC Hammer in the Dirty Laundryverse.
But by and large, this TL is meant to be a trip back to a 1980s where up is down, black is white, and Saturday Night Live is cancelled in 1986. Doesn't that sound at least a little bit fun to you?
Are there any third-party reference materials for Dirty Laundry?
I’m glad you asked! Thanks to Clorox23, Dirty Laundry has its own TV Tropes page, which may be my favorite thing on the entire Internet. The Walkman is basically a co-collaborator, and tracks the Billboard Hot 100 number one hits in the Dirty Laundryverse; drawing on his work, Heavy created a Wikipedia sandbox that listed all those hits. And someone – I don’t think they’ve revealed themselves to me, but if they do, I’ll happily credit them here – created an AH wiki entry for Dirty Laundry.
For the detail-obsessed among us, are there footnotes to each entry explaining many of the obscure references you make?
Oh dear god, there are so many lengthy footnotes.
I’m sorry.
Are there any other in-jokes?
Oh, yes. In addition to the rather obvious inclusion of Eagles (and other) song lyrics in the narratives, there’s a bit with the recurring use of the phrase “only time will tell,” a reference to the 1982 Asia hit of the same name, which in turn was covered by the Scorpions in the Dirty Laundryverse. This is a continuing shout-out to my brother-in-law, Shawn.
Is Dirty Laundry any good?
Well, some people seem to like it; we've been nominated for a couple of Turtledoves, and whenever I disappear for a while, I get emails asking when I plan to return. Of course, you the reader are the ultimate judge of that, so please give it a read and let me know your thoughts, either publicly or via PM. I often respond to questions readers have about the TL, and those questions, in turn, spur new posts.
--------------
The Dirty Laundry FAQ
What is “Dirty Laundry?”
“Dirty Laundry” is the sixth track – and only hit – off of ex-Eagles frontman Don Henley’s first solo album, I Can’t Stand Still. Written in 1982, “Dirty Laundry” is fantastic, eerily prescient, and very, very 80s. It charted on the Billboard Top 100 for 19 weeks, reaching #3 at its peak, and was the kind of runaway hit that helped pave the way for Don Henley to become a solo superstar in the 1980s. Sadly, you can no longer see the original video online. For the time being – that is, until a representative from the frequently litigious Mr. Henley finds this unauthorized upload to YouTube – you can at least enjoy listening to it here. (EDIT: Nope! Henley has issued a takedown notice; how about right here, instead?)
Seriously! Go do that. It’ll put you in the right frame of reference to enjoy this little piece. I’ll still be here when you get back.
No, no, I mean, what is Dirty Laundry, this thing that I’m considering reading?
Dirty Laundry is a largely pop-cultural alternate history inspired by, and very much in the vein of, That Wacky Redhead by Brainbin. The TL has a narrative thread, which focuses on the continuing adventures of Don Henley, his erstwhile friend, enabler, and songwriter Danny “Kootch” Kortchmar, Henley’s campaign manager Dave Orlovsky, his wife Maren Jensen, his political mentor Gary Hart, and others. The narrator is notoriously unreliable.
In addition to the main-sequence plot -- which is moving at a glacial pace -- the bulk of the timeline is a “scrapbook”-style collection of newspaper articles, Roger Ebert movie reviews, alternate Wikipedia entries, chronological summaries, TV show transcripts, and other ephemera designed to give you a sense of cultural immersion into the alternate universe that unfolds in Dirty Laundry. If you tend to like that sort of thing, you’ll probably like Dirty Laundry.
What’s the point of departure (POD) for Dirty Laundry?
December 14, 1981. In this TL, a somewhat-inebriated Henley and Kortchmar spill a rather large quantity of vodka on the notes that would have become “Dirty Laundry,” and never actually wind up finishing the song. As a result, Henley’s first solo album, I Can’t Stand Still is a major flop instead of a hit, and Henley is dropped from his record label and spends his newly-found spare time writing even more angry letters to the editor of his local newspaper than he did IOTL.
How could that possibly make any real difference on the world as we know it?
A lot of the fun I have writing Dirty Laundry is in trying to extrapolate out all of the changes that would flow from that tiny little change. The music scene is most obvious; Don Henley was one of the most celebrated artists of the 1980s. After the success of “Dirty Laundry,” Henley would release two multiplatinum albums (1984’s Building the Perfect Beast) and 1989’s The End of the Innocence), which in turn would spawn an additional twelve singles (seven of which were runaway Top 40 hits), and numerous Grammy awards. Just taking songs like “The Boys of Summer” and “The End of the Innocence” out of circulation is bound to have significant effects on the industry.
Now consider that Don Henley’s 1982 record label was Asylum Records, a subsidiary of Warner Communications. In addition to owning the Warner Bros. studios, Warner also owns Atari – which, as of 1982, was the fastest-growing company of all time.
Oh, and Henley himself was – and is, IOTL as well – very interested in politics, and so, after being fired from his musical career, Henley decides to run for office instead.
So that’s music, politics, movies, computers, and video games – all up in the air thanks to the fate of one song!
Uh huh. What other things do you cover in Dirty Laundry?
What, that list isn’t enough for you?? Okay, you asked for it! There’s children’s toys, TV shows, the Olympics, serial killers, sports, the Meese Commission on Pornography, Christopher Hitchens, Raisin Bran cereal, violent revolution in the Philippines, comic books, “Satanic Panic” and the rise of the religious right, animal rights, Rush Limbaugh, and New Coke.
If you can’t find anything that piques your interest in that list, how about a smokin’ hot picture of Tawny Kitaen?
After all that, if you’re still dissatistifed… well, then perhaps Dirty Laundry isn’t for you after all. This makes me sad.
So what are the major themes of Dirty Laundry?
One of the biggest is what I would call a “plausible reversal of expectations.” IOTL, Steven Spielberg’s E.T. is a beloved movie classic – and also the worst video game of all time. In the Dirty Laundryverse, however, E.T. is synonymous with the worst movie of all time, while the videogame adaptation becomes the first “killer app” that saves the Atari 2600.
As a result, in our 1984, Atari was hemorrhaging money, and the otherwise-profitable Warner Communications sold it as scrap for peanuts to ex-Commodore CEO Jack Tramiel, who used the rapidly-dwindling Atari brand to hawk cheap home computers and poorly-received videogame systems. In the Dirty Laundryverse, Atari is the sole bright spot in the troubled movie studio’s portfolio – and so is sold for six billion dollars to conglomerate Honeywell, which positions the new Atari as a powerhouse alternative to IBM in the business computing world.
Meanwhile, you’ll find the two biggest powerhouse tech companies out of OTL’s 1980s suffering similar reversals of fortune; Microsoft struggles to make it in the business world, and Apple finds itself on the verge of extinction.
Or try this on for size. If I asked you to name “the most enduring pop stars of the 1980s,” three of the very first people who are likely to come to mind are Michael Jackson, Madonna, and Prince. In the Dirty Laundryverse, however, Prince is a flop, Michael Jackson never becomes the “Wacko Jacko” of our timeline, and Madonna flames out rather spectacularly under the weight of her own showmanship, such that by 1986, she has a less successful recording career than schlocky (but hunky) "Miami Vice" star Don Johnson.
There are lots of other examples of this; one of my favorites is turning Starship’s “We Built This City” – regarded by critics as the very worst song of the 1980s – into a critically-acclaimed masterpiece.
Well, I think it’s fun, anyway.
Are there any other themes of note in Dirty Laundry?
Again, lots! Literarily, Dirty Laundry tries to emphasize the moral ambiguity of key figures in history, such that "villains" get as sympathetic a light as possible, and heroes are frequently taken down a peg. Thematically, I try to show the diversity of '80s music in both timelines. One recurring motif in particular is Dirty Laundry's penchant for taking prominent members of bands and placing them in a plausible new context. This post packs a number of them into a very short space: Axl Rose becomes the lead singer for Motley Crue in 1985, with Slash serving as lead guitarist for first Poison and then Def Leppard (with a fully intact Rick Allen). Boston’s Brad Delp becomes the new frontman for Van Halen, rather than Sammy Hagar, giving us “Brad Halen” instead of OTL’s “Van Hagar.” Jon Bon Jovi takes over for Stephen Pearcy in RATT. And then there’s Magnatar, an unholy almagamation of Slayer and the Beastie Boys. And so much more.
Do I really have to read through 54 pages and over 1,000 posts to start reading Dirty Laundry?
No, I don’t think so. You might be slightly taken aback by things like Michael Jordan leading the Houston Rockets into the promised land, or the Scorpions teaming up with Barry Manilow to produce a Grammy-nominated #1 hit, but my guess is that you can start reading just by knowing that Don Henley was elected to Congress via special election in 1985, recently re-elected in 1986, and things haven't quite been the same ever since.
Hopefully this FAQ will make you want to go back and curl up with some of the old posts, though; they're not bad, if I do say so myself.
What if I don’t like ‘80s Music?
Wait, you don’t like any ‘80s music? You don’t like Billy Joel, or Heart, or Survivor, or the Scorpions? What about Guns n’ Roses, Run-D.M.C., or 80s New Wave?
Nope. None of that.
Really? Okay. Um… what about obscure R&B singer Stephanie Mills? Or the comedic disco stylings of the Weather Girls?
(My point – and something I try to emphasize in Dirty Laundry – is that the ‘80s were an awfully diverse time for music.)
Nope. I hate all of those acts. Does Dirty Laundry have anything that isn’t the 1980s?
Well, a little bit. There’s some flash-forwarding, where we learn fun things like the identity of New York City’s mayor in 1993, a retrospective on the four (!) Back to the Future films, and a very special look at the futures of both Kurt Cobain and MC Hammer in the Dirty Laundryverse.
But by and large, this TL is meant to be a trip back to a 1980s where up is down, black is white, and Saturday Night Live is cancelled in 1986. Doesn't that sound at least a little bit fun to you?
Are there any third-party reference materials for Dirty Laundry?
I’m glad you asked! Thanks to Clorox23, Dirty Laundry has its own TV Tropes page, which may be my favorite thing on the entire Internet. The Walkman is basically a co-collaborator, and tracks the Billboard Hot 100 number one hits in the Dirty Laundryverse; drawing on his work, Heavy created a Wikipedia sandbox that listed all those hits. And someone – I don’t think they’ve revealed themselves to me, but if they do, I’ll happily credit them here – created an AH wiki entry for Dirty Laundry.
For the detail-obsessed among us, are there footnotes to each entry explaining many of the obscure references you make?
Oh dear god, there are so many lengthy footnotes.
I’m sorry.
Are there any other in-jokes?
Oh, yes. In addition to the rather obvious inclusion of Eagles (and other) song lyrics in the narratives, there’s a bit with the recurring use of the phrase “only time will tell,” a reference to the 1982 Asia hit of the same name, which in turn was covered by the Scorpions in the Dirty Laundryverse. This is a continuing shout-out to my brother-in-law, Shawn.
Is Dirty Laundry any good?
Well, some people seem to like it; we've been nominated for a couple of Turtledoves, and whenever I disappear for a while, I get emails asking when I plan to return. Of course, you the reader are the ultimate judge of that, so please give it a read and let me know your thoughts, either publicly or via PM. I often respond to questions readers have about the TL, and those questions, in turn, spur new posts.