Soviet Union makes "Star Wars"
- Thread starter Galba Otho Vitelius
- Start date
This is a very fun thought exercise.
First, long time ago and galaxy, far-far away allows a lot of leeway for princess stuff. You could do adventure yarns in the Soviet Union films set in the distant past and far off galaxies. There were several sci-fi movies that did quite well as comedies, or too serious for their own good epics that are completely unwatchable now by anyone who does not own a beard and cites film theories, and I say this as someone who owns a beard and cites film theories.
Some changes to the story would, however, be necessary.
The Evil Empire would have to be shown as capitalist in a heavy-handed way. Corrupt imperial officials who could be bribed by Rebels and the use of gold to make basic transactions could be one way to show it. Greedy water merchants on Tatooine could be an easy throw away example, with a sleazy imperial officials working hand in glove with them.
Luke would not, and could not, be portrayed as an individual hero. None of this The Force and being the man to bring down the Death Star by himself nonsense. Nope. Not going to cut it. Luke is a farm boy on Tatooine, dealing with corrupt imperial and water merchants who ruthlessly exploit the poor and the downtrodden. Wealthy farmers within his own community undermine his efforts to organize any attempt at collective farming (there is always a traitor in Soviet adventure yarns. Especially ones aimed at children. Always). The imperial officials justify their existence by saying they are keeping the farmers' from harm's way, and saving them from the evil Rebels and the dastardly Sand People, whose savagery is alleged and mythical and who are said to attack wayward moisture farmers.
Meanwhile, the plucky revolutionary Rebels learn of a new weapon being deployed by the Evil Empire, headed by an Emperor, who is ruthless bureaucrat who achieved power in the once peaceful planet of Coruscant by corrupting it with the money he inherited from his father and then turned on the cabal of evil wealthy merchants who backed his rise and transformed Coruscant into an arms manufacturing hub, profiting from war and promoting war to fuel his own wealth and further his grip on the once beautiful planet now beset by belching acrid smoke towers and uniformed goons.
The Rebel team sent to discover the plans of this terrifying new weapon is led by Leia, a headstrong, passionate young woman who was once a princess of a backwater planet (Alderaan), but rejected the trappings of her upbringing once the planet fell under the sway of the imperials to join the Rebellion against the Empire. She is, however, too cocksure and individualistic for her own good and is easily led astray by a member of her team who is actually an imperial spy (there is always a traitor, comrades). The traitor betrays the team, but not before Leia gets the secrets stored into a pair of robots. The rebel team is exterminated by Stormtroopers led by Darth Vader, a ruthless imperial warrior who is night and day compared to the hapless corrupt imperials on Tatooine (fascists can be buffoons, but they can also be scary, children). Vader, however, is much too intelligent to believe the claptrap spewed by the imperial political officials and has vary respect for the Rebels, to the chagrin of his ascetic fascist fanatical nominal leader Grand Moff Tarkin and the buffoonish clumsy political representative of the emperor aboard the Star Destroyer - Titular Secret (Privy) Councillor Ozell (the guy Vader chokes out in Empire Strikes Back).
The robots crash land on Tatooine, where they are recovered by Jawas, a bottom of the barrel, greasy, ugly, merchants who worship capitalism and are looked down upon by everyone, including the imperial officials. Luke and his uncle rescue the robots from being destroyed by Jawas because they deem the robots to be not valuable enough to fix, despite them not needing fixing (look at those dumb capitalists, children, they don't get it). While cleaning the robots, Luke activates a subroutine and sees the message from Leia and is entranced. He thinks about the message, tossing all night. At dawn, his uncle tells him the robot has run off. Luke feels guilty since he activated the subroutine and thinks the robot ran off because of him to carry out its original programming, so he chases after and learns a terrible secret: the Sand People do not exist. Wealthy farmers identify dissenting, dangerous farmers to imperials, who then kill them with the help of Jawas, who harvest their bodies for bones to be resold (stupid, greedy capitalists care not a jot for human lives).
At once realizing his uncle and his family may be in danger, Luke and the robots rush off back to the farm, but it is too late. The family has been massacred and the murders blamed on Sand People. Luke denounces this hotly and tries to rally the people to fight, but no one believes him, so he decides to go at it alone, but is intercepted before doing something stupid by the man the robot went off to find, legendary revolutionary Kenobi. Kenobi saves Luke from himself and tells him that going at it alone will accomplish nothing, one must organize and centralize his efforts with the Rebel Center, whose collective leadership will help turn the tide of the struggle. Kenobi himself has been patiently working behind scenes on Tatooine, helping where he could, waiting for the Center to contact him to help the Rebellion as necessary. Luke learns patience and gets caught up on the backstory of the rise of the Empire.
Meanwhile, scary fascists led by Vader meet the hapless fascists on the planet and Vader kills the more incompetent ones (whom we saw earlier due the more fiendish things, thus with Vader killing bad guys we set up Vader as a potential good guy in the sequels). Vader begins to wonder, not for the first time, why the Rebels are so determined when faced with such long odds, and how these people are motivated not by pay but by something more. He is confronted by Ozell, who tells him he could have him denounced for such speeches (comrades, there is no freedom of speech in the West!), but for a price, he is willing to overlook it. Vader kills him, Tarkin discovers the murder, but forgives Vader, saying his crime (questioning the system) was far outweighed by Ozell's crime (corruption), because Tarkin is a true fanatic in the vein of Himmler. Vader moves, disgusted by the whole thing.
Kenobi tells Luke that with Vader on the planet, they must get the robots somewhere safe, and that Luke is a liability and the imperials are looking for him. The Center tells Kenobi to leave Luke behind and just bring the robots and find a way to rescue Leia (we do not leave our own behind!), but Kenobi in a moment of weakness takes Luke with him and seeks a way off planet for himself and the robots. Thus we meet Han Solo, a pilot with a backstory of being a wastrel son of a petty merchant, except Kenobi knows the truth - Solo's parents were good, decent working class people, who were ground down by poverty on Alderaan and starved to death by the new ruthless imperial regime (the one rejected by Leia). Solo denies his heritage, ashamed of where he came from and his parents' weakness. But Kenobi tells him he must not be ashamed of being working class, that his class consciousness transcends all things. Confused and not entirely please Solo feels he is being blackmailed, but before Kenobi can fully educate, Vader and his imperials arrive on the scene, having spotted Luke.
Kenobi pays for his lapse of judgement and questioning the wisdom of Center by being killed in a shoot out by the imperials and Luke once more realizes it is all his fault, still reeling Solo drags him and the robots off planet and flies away. Luke must repay his debt, rescue Leia and bring her back to Center. The plans for the new weapon were in the robot, but garbled. Leia must know more. Solo is dubious. Then comes news...
Leia's parents have learned she was on the Rebel team that tried to steal the plans for the new weapon and in a bid to ingratiate themselves with the Emperor and to make Tarkin and his grim fascists forget all about their daughter's treachery have volunteered the new weapon be tested on a moon of Endor that is orbiting Alderaan. Tarkin seizes the chance, despite Leia's protests that said moon is populated by the Ewoks, a peaceful race of furry little things. Tarkin makes a speech full of menace and fascist buzz words and orders the test. The test backfires. The weapon was not properly setup and nearly destroys the weapon, and sends the moon careening into Alderaan, destroying all life there (nuclear holocaust caused by the decadent and careless West, forever testing their weapons!). This action disgusts Vader even further. Tarkin orders executions of the engineers responsible, but says the weapon must be tested once more (West is terrible!)
Solo learns of this and vows to bring down the Empire, with Luke's help. They infiltrate the Star Destroyer and rescue Leia. Leia chides them for risking robots and the valuable information they contain and not going directly to Center and mocks Luke's justifications. Solo goes off on her and they bicker, because they lack political maturity of their betters at Center. But as soon as communications are established, Center tells them where to go and they arrive there safely, because they followed orders to the letter and did not deviate.
Upon arrival, they learn the Center has assembled an armada to defeat the new imperial threat and its fleet. Solo, the pilot, is in high demand and Center assigns him an X-wing fighter to take place in the final assault. Luke, whose piloting skills are not that good, but is a decent gunner is assigned to a two-man craft with seasoned pilot Wedge Antilles. Leia is a good navigator and is assigned to a three-man heavy bomber. But the fascists are not to be underestimated, comrades, for one of the two rescued robots had carried with it an identifying beacon which Tarkin has been using to track the threesome all this time.
Vader is shocked of this and demands why Tarkin did not share this information with him when he was looking for the robots on the planet, to which Tarkin calmly replies the plan was always for them to track the robots to a high value Rebel target. The robots were allowed to escape so they can lead the imperials to Kenobi. But once Kenobi was killed, Tarkin let the things play out, hoping for an even larger target. He got lucky. Vader, having spent time searching for Kenobi on the planet, is quite angry at this, to which Tarkin says that information is power, and everyone must lie to protect the higher cause - the mighty Empire. Vader quietly walks off.
The imperial assault decimates the Rebel fighters, craft and bombers, Wedge Antilles is killed, as are Leia's pilot and gunner. Solo's X-wing is destroyed. Luke, Leia and Solo get into the heavy-bomber and put themselves at the disposal of the Center, which orders the counterattack as analysts feverishly work to uncover the weakness of the Star Destroyer (brought back by Leia, in addition to the information about the new terrifying weapon).
Many, many Rebel craft are destroyed, as Leia, Solo and Luke learn how to cooperate in the heavy bomber and fight off the imperials, while waiting for Center to find the weakness. Vader carves a path of destruction through the Rebel craft (all piloted by weird aliens, we never, ever, see Vader kill a human Rebel, only alien Rebels and human imperials, because we are setting up a turn to the light side).
Finally, the analysts crack the weakness of the Star Destroyer and give the heavy-bomber the go ahead. Leia plots the course. Solo pilots. Luke keeps the imperial fighters at bay. Vader goes after them, but a vid-screen suddenly shows a transmission from a bug he earlier planted in Tarkin's office (the bad guys do not trust one another and have no friends), Tarkin takes the time during the midst of battle (fascists be weird and inhuman, children) to make a list of people he recommends to be killed by the Emperor next (remember, the West is even worse than any rumors you heard about us, comrades), Vader is on the list. Vader breaks off his pursuit of the heavy-bomber. The bomber destroys the Star Destroyer.
The three heroes, Luke, Leia and Solo are awarded medals by the Center, which warns them that many struggles are still ahead.
Roll credits.
First, long time ago and galaxy, far-far away allows a lot of leeway for princess stuff. You could do adventure yarns in the Soviet Union films set in the distant past and far off galaxies. There were several sci-fi movies that did quite well as comedies, or too serious for their own good epics that are completely unwatchable now by anyone who does not own a beard and cites film theories, and I say this as someone who owns a beard and cites film theories.
Some changes to the story would, however, be necessary.
The Evil Empire would have to be shown as capitalist in a heavy-handed way. Corrupt imperial officials who could be bribed by Rebels and the use of gold to make basic transactions could be one way to show it. Greedy water merchants on Tatooine could be an easy throw away example, with a sleazy imperial officials working hand in glove with them.
Luke would not, and could not, be portrayed as an individual hero. None of this The Force and being the man to bring down the Death Star by himself nonsense. Nope. Not going to cut it. Luke is a farm boy on Tatooine, dealing with corrupt imperial and water merchants who ruthlessly exploit the poor and the downtrodden. Wealthy farmers within his own community undermine his efforts to organize any attempt at collective farming (there is always a traitor in Soviet adventure yarns. Especially ones aimed at children. Always). The imperial officials justify their existence by saying they are keeping the farmers' from harm's way, and saving them from the evil Rebels and the dastardly Sand People, whose savagery is alleged and mythical and who are said to attack wayward moisture farmers.
Meanwhile, the plucky revolutionary Rebels learn of a new weapon being deployed by the Evil Empire, headed by an Emperor, who is ruthless bureaucrat who achieved power in the once peaceful planet of Coruscant by corrupting it with the money he inherited from his father and then turned on the cabal of evil wealthy merchants who backed his rise and transformed Coruscant into an arms manufacturing hub, profiting from war and promoting war to fuel his own wealth and further his grip on the once beautiful planet now beset by belching acrid smoke towers and uniformed goons.
The Rebel team sent to discover the plans of this terrifying new weapon is led by Leia, a headstrong, passionate young woman who was once a princess of a backwater planet (Alderaan), but rejected the trappings of her upbringing once the planet fell under the sway of the imperials to join the Rebellion against the Empire. She is, however, too cocksure and individualistic for her own good and is easily led astray by a member of her team who is actually an imperial spy (there is always a traitor, comrades). The traitor betrays the team, but not before Leia gets the secrets stored into a pair of robots. The rebel team is exterminated by Stormtroopers led by Darth Vader, a ruthless imperial warrior who is night and day compared to the hapless corrupt imperials on Tatooine (fascists can be buffoons, but they can also be scary, children). Vader, however, is much too intelligent to believe the claptrap spewed by the imperial political officials and has vary respect for the Rebels, to the chagrin of his ascetic fascist fanatical nominal leader Grand Moff Tarkin and the buffoonish clumsy political representative of the emperor aboard the Star Destroyer - Titular Secret (Privy) Councillor Ozell (the guy Vader chokes out in Empire Strikes Back).
The robots crash land on Tatooine, where they are recovered by Jawas, a bottom of the barrel, greasy, ugly, merchants who worship capitalism and are looked down upon by everyone, including the imperial officials. Luke and his uncle rescue the robots from being destroyed by Jawas because they deem the robots to be not valuable enough to fix, despite them not needing fixing (look at those dumb capitalists, children, they don't get it). While cleaning the robots, Luke activates a subroutine and sees the message from Leia and is entranced. He thinks about the message, tossing all night. At dawn, his uncle tells him the robot has run off. Luke feels guilty since he activated the subroutine and thinks the robot ran off because of him to carry out its original programming, so he chases after and learns a terrible secret: the Sand People do not exist. Wealthy farmers identify dissenting, dangerous farmers to imperials, who then kill them with the help of Jawas, who harvest their bodies for bones to be resold (stupid, greedy capitalists care not a jot for human lives).
At once realizing his uncle and his family may be in danger, Luke and the robots rush off back to the farm, but it is too late. The family has been massacred and the murders blamed on Sand People. Luke denounces this hotly and tries to rally the people to fight, but no one believes him, so he decides to go at it alone, but is intercepted before doing something stupid by the man the robot went off to find, legendary revolutionary Kenobi. Kenobi saves Luke from himself and tells him that going at it alone will accomplish nothing, one must organize and centralize his efforts with the Rebel Center, whose collective leadership will help turn the tide of the struggle. Kenobi himself has been patiently working behind scenes on Tatooine, helping where he could, waiting for the Center to contact him to help the Rebellion as necessary. Luke learns patience and gets caught up on the backstory of the rise of the Empire.
Meanwhile, scary fascists led by Vader meet the hapless fascists on the planet and Vader kills the more incompetent ones (whom we saw earlier due the more fiendish things, thus with Vader killing bad guys we set up Vader as a potential good guy in the sequels). Vader begins to wonder, not for the first time, why the Rebels are so determined when faced with such long odds, and how these people are motivated not by pay but by something more. He is confronted by Ozell, who tells him he could have him denounced for such speeches (comrades, there is no freedom of speech in the West!), but for a price, he is willing to overlook it. Vader kills him, Tarkin discovers the murder, but forgives Vader, saying his crime (questioning the system) was far outweighed by Ozell's crime (corruption), because Tarkin is a true fanatic in the vein of Himmler. Vader moves, disgusted by the whole thing.
Kenobi tells Luke that with Vader on the planet, they must get the robots somewhere safe, and that Luke is a liability and the imperials are looking for him. The Center tells Kenobi to leave Luke behind and just bring the robots and find a way to rescue Leia (we do not leave our own behind!), but Kenobi in a moment of weakness takes Luke with him and seeks a way off planet for himself and the robots. Thus we meet Han Solo, a pilot with a backstory of being a wastrel son of a petty merchant, except Kenobi knows the truth - Solo's parents were good, decent working class people, who were ground down by poverty on Alderaan and starved to death by the new ruthless imperial regime (the one rejected by Leia). Solo denies his heritage, ashamed of where he came from and his parents' weakness. But Kenobi tells him he must not be ashamed of being working class, that his class consciousness transcends all things. Confused and not entirely please Solo feels he is being blackmailed, but before Kenobi can fully educate, Vader and his imperials arrive on the scene, having spotted Luke.
Kenobi pays for his lapse of judgement and questioning the wisdom of Center by being killed in a shoot out by the imperials and Luke once more realizes it is all his fault, still reeling Solo drags him and the robots off planet and flies away. Luke must repay his debt, rescue Leia and bring her back to Center. The plans for the new weapon were in the robot, but garbled. Leia must know more. Solo is dubious. Then comes news...
Leia's parents have learned she was on the Rebel team that tried to steal the plans for the new weapon and in a bid to ingratiate themselves with the Emperor and to make Tarkin and his grim fascists forget all about their daughter's treachery have volunteered the new weapon be tested on a moon of Endor that is orbiting Alderaan. Tarkin seizes the chance, despite Leia's protests that said moon is populated by the Ewoks, a peaceful race of furry little things. Tarkin makes a speech full of menace and fascist buzz words and orders the test. The test backfires. The weapon was not properly setup and nearly destroys the weapon, and sends the moon careening into Alderaan, destroying all life there (nuclear holocaust caused by the decadent and careless West, forever testing their weapons!). This action disgusts Vader even further. Tarkin orders executions of the engineers responsible, but says the weapon must be tested once more (West is terrible!)
Solo learns of this and vows to bring down the Empire, with Luke's help. They infiltrate the Star Destroyer and rescue Leia. Leia chides them for risking robots and the valuable information they contain and not going directly to Center and mocks Luke's justifications. Solo goes off on her and they bicker, because they lack political maturity of their betters at Center. But as soon as communications are established, Center tells them where to go and they arrive there safely, because they followed orders to the letter and did not deviate.
Upon arrival, they learn the Center has assembled an armada to defeat the new imperial threat and its fleet. Solo, the pilot, is in high demand and Center assigns him an X-wing fighter to take place in the final assault. Luke, whose piloting skills are not that good, but is a decent gunner is assigned to a two-man craft with seasoned pilot Wedge Antilles. Leia is a good navigator and is assigned to a three-man heavy bomber. But the fascists are not to be underestimated, comrades, for one of the two rescued robots had carried with it an identifying beacon which Tarkin has been using to track the threesome all this time.
Vader is shocked of this and demands why Tarkin did not share this information with him when he was looking for the robots on the planet, to which Tarkin calmly replies the plan was always for them to track the robots to a high value Rebel target. The robots were allowed to escape so they can lead the imperials to Kenobi. But once Kenobi was killed, Tarkin let the things play out, hoping for an even larger target. He got lucky. Vader, having spent time searching for Kenobi on the planet, is quite angry at this, to which Tarkin says that information is power, and everyone must lie to protect the higher cause - the mighty Empire. Vader quietly walks off.
The imperial assault decimates the Rebel fighters, craft and bombers, Wedge Antilles is killed, as are Leia's pilot and gunner. Solo's X-wing is destroyed. Luke, Leia and Solo get into the heavy-bomber and put themselves at the disposal of the Center, which orders the counterattack as analysts feverishly work to uncover the weakness of the Star Destroyer (brought back by Leia, in addition to the information about the new terrifying weapon).
Many, many Rebel craft are destroyed, as Leia, Solo and Luke learn how to cooperate in the heavy bomber and fight off the imperials, while waiting for Center to find the weakness. Vader carves a path of destruction through the Rebel craft (all piloted by weird aliens, we never, ever, see Vader kill a human Rebel, only alien Rebels and human imperials, because we are setting up a turn to the light side).
Finally, the analysts crack the weakness of the Star Destroyer and give the heavy-bomber the go ahead. Leia plots the course. Solo pilots. Luke keeps the imperial fighters at bay. Vader goes after them, but a vid-screen suddenly shows a transmission from a bug he earlier planted in Tarkin's office (the bad guys do not trust one another and have no friends), Tarkin takes the time during the midst of battle (fascists be weird and inhuman, children) to make a list of people he recommends to be killed by the Emperor next (remember, the West is even worse than any rumors you heard about us, comrades), Vader is on the list. Vader breaks off his pursuit of the heavy-bomber. The bomber destroys the Star Destroyer.
The three heroes, Luke, Leia and Solo are awarded medals by the Center, which warns them that many struggles are still ahead.
Roll credits.
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