Dirty Laundry: An Alternate 1980s

When will we see the Super Bowl Shuffle?

I think Andrew has said that it still occurs, IIRC. He hasn't covered it yet, though. :)

Speaking of music: will we get any coverage on the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? It opened in January 1986 IOTL. Maybe we could see the inaugural list of inductees as well?
 
January 26, 1986

At the Louisiana Superdome, the Chicago Bears defeat the Miami Dolphins, 35-3 to win Super Bowl XX, becoming only the second NFL team to record a “perfect season,” winning all sixteen regular season games and all three playoff games as well. [1] (In 1972, the Miami Dolphins won all 14 regular season games, as well as all three of their postseason games -- including Super Bowl VII -- to finish 17-0.)

In Super Bowl XX, the Dolphins took an early 3-0 lead on a 44-yard field goal by Fuad Reveiz on the first drive of the game, but on the ensuing kickoff, star wideout Willie Gault would return the kick 94 yards for a return touchdown. Chicago would never relinquish the lead, scoring four more unanswered touchdowns – including a memorable 58-yard flea flicker to Gault early in the third quarter that effectively put the game out of reach at 21-3. [2]

Prior to the ’85 Bears, no team had gone undefeated in the regular season after the NFL expanded its schedule to sixteen games in 1978, and attention began to focus on the Bears after their win in week nine. As it turns out, the closest the Bears would come to losing was in Week 14, a home game against the Arizona Colts, where the Bears trailed for most of the game only to kick two field goals late in the fourth quarter and squeak out a 13-10 victory. [3]

Black-n-Blues-Brothers.jpg

Wraparound album cover for the single "Perfect Season" by the "Black-N-Blues Brothers," comprised of the 1985 Chicago Bears

After posting the league’s best record, Chicago earned a bye during the first week of the playoffs. During that week, most of the team recorded a novelty rock song and music video, “Perfect Season” under the name “The Black-N-Blues Brothers,” an homage to the movie “The Blues Brothers,” an iconic Chicago film. [4] The video showcases many of the Bears’ star players dressed in dark sunglasses and fedoras, lip-synching over background vocals and playing instruments of their own choosing. [5] Two moments are particularly memorable: linebacker Mike Singletary singing his line, mostly on-key: “We’re goin’ to the Superdome for just one reason/To finish off our perfect season!” [5] and punter Maury Buford enthusiastically playing the cowbell. [6] All of the proceeds from sales of the “Perfect Season” went to the Chicago Community Trust to help needy families in Chicago. [7] After Chicago won the Super Bowl, “Perfect Season” climbed to No. 41 on the US Billboard Hot 100 chart, making the Bears the only sports team to have a hit single. [8]

----------
NOTES:

[1] IOTL, the New England Patriots upset the Miami Dolphins, 34-14, to win the AFC Championship, capitalizing on an uncharacteristic six turnovers by the Miami offense. Here, the Dolphins – unquestionably the better football team – win 24-7 and advance to the Super Bowl.

[2] OTL’s Bears won a 46-10 laugher over the Patriots in the Super Bowl, including a rushing touchdown by rookie defensive lineman William “The Refrigerator” Perry, who had been brought in as a running back on the one-yard line. That play never happens IOTL; instead, we get another unorthodox play – the flea-flicker, in which the offense sets up for a run, but at the last minute the halfback laterals the ball back to the quarterback, who throws a deep bomb down the field.

[3] IOTL, the ’85 Bears lost in week 13 to the Dolphins, 38-24, missing out on their chance at a perfect season. The Bears would finish 15-1 before demolishing their way through the postseason. OTL's Bears won week 14 narrowly over the Indianapolis Colts.

[4] “The Black-N-Blues Brothers” was an OTL promotion for the Bears’ offensive line. It’s nicely repurposed here.

[5] OTL’s “Super Bowl Shuffle” developed fairly idiosyncratically from a reworking of an old Amos ‘n Andy Show bit, “The Kingfish Shuffle.” Here, that doesn’t happen, and Dick Meyer of Red Label Records comes up with a more traditional rock track instead.

[6] If you're wondering, because Saturday Night Live is cancelled in 1986, there's never a Christopher Walken-Will Ferrell-Blue Oyster Cult "more cowbell" sketch to which this could be compared.

[7] As OTL; you can even imagine that Walter Payton still performs some version of his lyric “Now we’re not doing this because we’re greedy, the Bears are doing it to feed the needy.”

[8] This is exactly the same ranking as OTL, and I suspect that in both timelines, the numbers may have been artificially jiggered to keep the song out of the Top 40. Or you can view it as coincidence; the choice is up to you. :)
 
Andrew T, are you familiar with the G4 Icons series? If not, I suggest watching it. The video game ones, not the ones after G4 stopped being a video game channel. Although you could watch those as well.
 
Nice job on the alt-Super Bowl Shuffle. I'm slightly disappointed that the Fridge looks to be a little less of a sports icon ITTL, but relatively speaking, that's small potatoes.

Wow...no more SNL? This makes me interested to see what you have planned for so many alumni of the show that joined after '86. Dana Carvey, Phil Hartman, Mike Myers, Ben Stiller...I could go on and on.
 
A Word on Turtledoves

I want to thank Clorox23 for nominating Dirty Laundry for Best TL, Continuing Cold War Period. It continues to bring a smile to my face to see how many people seem to enjoy this little project of mine. And Clorox23 deserves a special shout-out because he set up the completely awesome Dirty Laundry page at TV Tropes, which is seriously one of my favorite things in life. :)

However, as I said last year, I can't in good conscience run Dirty Laundry in the same category as That Wacky Redhead. I hope Brainbin will forgive me if I embarrass him here a little bit, but if it weren't for TWR, there would be no Dirty Laundry. It isn't just that Brainbin pioneered the popcultural TL genre; when this TL was languishing on page 2 (!), Brainbin kept pushing me to come back and write more. It took a while for things to really hit their stride here, and that wouldn't have happened without his encouragement, input, and example.

So I will happily be voting for That Wacky Redhead in the "Best TL, Continuing Cold War Period" category. If you're not reading TWR, set aside a few days and go do so, now!

If anyone wants to nominate Dirty Laundry in any of the site-wide categories, I will happily accept it. I'll also almost certainly lose, but hey, maybe we can pull a Don Henley and scrape out a victory on the backs of the good folks of Uncertain, Texas. :)

Thanks again to everyone who's been following along, and I hope you'll continue to enjoy Dirty Laundry in 2014! I've got some things in the pipeline that (hopefully!) will be a lot of fun.
 

Glen

Moderator
I want to thank Clorox23 for nominating Dirty Laundry for Best TL, Continuing Cold War Period. It continues to bring a smile to my face to see how many people seem to enjoy this little project of mine. And Clorox23 deserves a special shout-out because he set up the completely awesome Dirty Laundry page at TV Tropes, which is seriously one of my favorite things in life. :)

However, as I said last year, I can't in good conscience run Dirty Laundry in the same category as That Wacky Redhead. I hope Brainbin will forgive me if I embarrass him here a little bit, but if it weren't for TWR, there would be no Dirty Laundry. It isn't just that Brainbin pioneered the popcultural TL genre; when this TL was languishing on page 2 (!), Brainbin kept pushing me to come back and write more. It took a while for things to really hit their stride here, and that wouldn't have happened without his encouragement, input, and example.

So I will happily be voting for That Wacky Redhead in the "Best TL, Continuing Cold War Period" category. If you're not reading TWR, set aside a few days and go do so, now!

If anyone wants to nominate Dirty Laundry in any of the site-wide categories, I will happily accept it. I'll also almost certainly lose, but hey, maybe we can pull a Don Henley and scrape out a victory on the backs of the good folks of Uncertain, Texas. :)

Thanks again to everyone who's been following along, and I hope you'll continue to enjoy Dirty Laundry in 2014! I've got some things in the pipeline that (hopefully!) will be a lot of fun.

Request denied, as has all previous requests over the years from various writers - let the people decide!
 
Request denied, as has all previous requests over the years from various writers - let the people decide!
And rightly so. Andrew, I am truly humbled and gratified for all the very kind things you've said about me and about TWR, but I wouldn't have a clear conscience if you withdrew your very worthy timeline from competition with my own. If I were to win (a very big "if" - as you'll soon discover, we're contesting an exceedingly tough category), I would want to do so fairly. That said, I greatly appreciate your show of support, and your own input - I would say you've helped me at least as much as I've helped you :)
 
And rightly so. Andrew, I am truly humbled and gratified for all the very kind things you've said about me and about TWR, but I wouldn't have a clear conscience if you withdrew your very worthy timeline from competition with my own. If I were to win (a very big "if" - as you'll soon discover, we're contesting an exceedingly tough category), I would want to do so fairly.
^This entirely.
I understand you being humble and all, but there's a reason what I voted for this timeline in the same category as TWR: I think it stands a chance.
 
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Magnatar

Magnatar (album)
Redirected from “Don’t Be A Faggot”
from *Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

penta1.jpg

Magnatar is the debut studio album from the thrash metal band of the same name, released in February of 1986 by Def Jam Records. [1] Many [who?] consider to mark Def Jam’s transition from primarily a hip hop label to a thrash and heavy metal label. [2]

The album was initially released under the title Don’t Be A Faggot, but was quickly pulled from the shelves after numerous retailers, including Tower Records, refused to stock it on their shelves. [3] With songs that explored themes of homosexuality, death, atheism, Satanism, insanity, murder, and Nazism, Magnatar was one of the primary subjects of the Amended Attorney General’s Commission on Pornographic Media and Music.

Magnatar was a commercial success, peaking at #4 on the Billboard 200, and has been certified platinum by the Recording Industry Association of America. The album spawned a Top 10 hit, “Fight For the Right to Rock,” as well as the Top 40 successor, “Bombs Over Brooklyn.” A third track, "Cooky Puss," was released as a music video for MTV and was frequently played during the "Headbanger's Ball." [4]


Contents
1. Track Listings
2. Personnel
3. Singles
4. “Angel of Death”
5. “Patient Zero”
6. Critical Response
7. References


Track Listings
All songs written and composed by Magnatar
No., Title, Length
1. “Angel of Death,” 4:40
2. “Criminally Insane,” 2:40
3. “Bombs Over Brooklyn,” 4:34
4. “Jesus Save Me,” 3:05
5. “Fight For the Right to Rock,” 3:58
6. “Pussy,” 3:41 [5]
7. “Patient Zero,” 2:55
8. “I Am Reborn,” 2:48
9. “Slow Ride,” 3:03
10. “Rocket in the Pocket,” 7:11 [6]
11. “Cooky Puss,” 3:08


Personnel
Mike Diamond – lead vocals, percussion
Kerry King – lead guitar
Jeff Hanneman – rhythm guitar [7]
Adam Yauch – bass, backing vocals
Kate Schellenbach – drums [8]


Singles
Year, Single, Chart, Position
1986, “Fight For the Right to Rock,” 9
1986, “Bombs Over Brooklyn,” 35


“Angel of Death”
Magnatar’s lead track, “Angel of Death,” details human experiments conducted at the Auschwitz concentration camp by Josef Mengele, who was dubbed “the Angel of Death” by inmates. [9] The song led to accusations of Nazi sympathizing and racism, which have followed the band throughout their career. Rhythm guitarist Jeff Hanneman was inspired to write “Angel of Death” after he read a number of books on Mengele during a tour with his prior band, Slayer. Hanneman has since complained that people usually misinterpret the lyrics, and clarified: “Nothing I put in the lyrics that says necessarily he was a bad man, because to me — well, isn't that obvious? I shouldn't have to tell you that.” Magnatar has used the controversy over “Angel of Death” to attract publicity. [citation needed]


“Patient Zero”
“Patient Zero” is a nearly three-minute long instrumental track that showcases the guitar styles of Kerry King and Jeff Hanneman, including ultra-fast tremolo picking and riffs in irregular scales. Despite the controversies associated with the Magnatar album, “Patient Zero” was nominated for “Best Rock Instrumental Performance” at the 29th Annual Grammy Awards in 1987. [10]


Critical Response
On the strength of the first single, “Fight For the Right to Rock,” Magnatar debuted at #8 on the Billboard 200, and peaked at #4 two weeks later. It was one of the best-selling albums of 1987.

Magnatar was well received by the underground and mainstream music press at the time, and has since been considered a classic of the thrash metal genre. Hammer and Anvil critic Carter Hopewell awarded the album an A+ grade, calling it a “genre-definer,” as well as “the greatest metal album of all time.” [11] Metal! Magazine described the album as “simply the best thrash metal album, ever,” while Rolling Stone opined that Magnatar was the “second-heaviest album of all time,” trailing only the band’s follow-up album, Reign in Blood. [12]

----------
NOTES:

[1] As you've possibly guessed, this replaces the Beastie Boys' Licensed to Ill and Slayer’s Reign in Blood (but see note 12). IOTL, the Beastie Boys were the surprise beneficiary of British Airways' ill-advised decision to sample a few seconds of one of their songs (“Beastie Revolution”) in a 1983 commercial. The Beasties sued and were awarded $40,000 in damages, which they used to rent an apartment in New York (the iconic 59 Chrystie Street) and practice their sound. Here, BA simply pays the Beasties $500 for the rights to use the song and they essentially go nowhere until Def Jam hooks up them with Kerry King of Slayer – which, of course, happened OTL (on “No Sleep ‘til Brooklyn”). IOTL, the Beastie Boys got their big break on tour opening for Madonna in 1985; that doesn't happen here for multiple reasons.

As for Slayer, the band was plagued with problems of its own in OTL, including most notably the on-again/off-again nature of drummer Dave Lombardo.

[2] IOTL, Kerry King had reservations about signing with Def Jam records for precisely this reason; here, he spearheads their greatest success to date.

[3] This was indeed the proposed original title for Licensed to Ill. There's a lot to be ashamed of in those early Beastie Boys albums.

[4] "Cooky Puss" was probably the Beastie Boys' biggest hit prior to Licensed to Ill; it's a very strange track that samples the band's crank call to the Carvel Ice Cream headquarters. Carvel was ubiquitous on the East Coast in the 1980s with ads for their themed ice cream cakes like "Cooky Puss" and "Fudgie the Whale."

[5] See note 3. This is a harder, thrash-metal inspired version of “Girls,” which is a pretty misogynistic song.

[6] This is indeed a cover of the Cerrone track of the same name, from the 1978 album Cerrone IV: The Golden Touch. Cerrone was a huge influence on the Beastie Boys IOTL.

[7] While King did indeed play lead guitar on “No Sleep till Brooklyn,” Slayer’s Jeff Hanneman was never associated with the Beastie Boys IOTL.

[8] Schellenbach was, of course, the original drummer for the Beastie Boys during their New York Thrash period. Schellenbach is a more traditional drummer, so Magnatar doesn’t have the double-bass drum sound of Dave Lombardo (drummer for OTL’s Slayer).

[9] This is basically the OTL Slayer song with minor butterflies.

[10] There is no OTL analogue to “Patient Zero,” although thematically, Slayer has frequently touched on disease vectors in their songs, including “Epidemic” from the Reign in Blood album.

[11] IOTL, something substantially similar was said about Reign in Blood by Stylus Magazine’s Clay Jarvis.

[12] Similar accolades are heaped on Reign in Blood IOTL.
 
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Great entry :) Looking forward to hearing what happens to Magnatar. Why that choice in name?
And what of Show No Mercy and Hell Awaits?

Great updates as always, especially considering the Bears win that Monday night game against Miami ITTL. I'm still a sore losing Dolphin hater, twenty-eight years later... :eek:
 
I was wondering, is there going to be a Christian rock scene in this TL? Maybe not Stryper, but the 80s is where the scene got really big IOTL (as well as slightly helping deflect the "All rock is evil" stigma) and it would be interesting to see what this timeline's equivalent of Stryper would be.
 

Heavy

Banned
Stryper was the only one that was able to break out in a big way IOTL, mostly thanks to the popularity of "Honestly". I believe Andrew mentioned that the absence of Stryper in the Laundryverse has largely butterflied the Christian rock scene ITTL, but it might be possible, in the absence of any competition, for Petra fronted by John Schlitt to break through.

What about Kansas? Steve Walsh reformed the band after Streets (who are awesome; check out their albums because they're great) didn't pan out as he'd hoped but kept them a strictly secular entity.

I wonder what folks like Kerry Livgren (heck, even Bono) might have to say about the "rock music is the devil" and "War on Satanism" trends.

Cool update, by the way (just in case you think I'd forgotten). Kudos for not going down the "every thrash band sells like their Garth Brooks" route. :p
 
Slayer... and the Beastie Boys... in the same band ITTL?
...
...huh...

Also, what happened to Adam Horovitz; I thought he was in the Beastie Boys in 1986? Although, now that I think about, since the band never got that $40,000 and didn't move to 59 Chrystie Street, he doesn't join up with the band...
 
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Back to the mailbag....

What about Pat Benatar for "Open Your Heart?" Or is she still going to rest off her laurels from Tropico?

Oooh, good thinking. I need to check in on the 98-pound dynamo; that's for certain.

Also, "La Isla Bonita" made it that far because it genuinely was that good. And this from someone who didn't give Madonna two $#!+s during the Eighties.

Huh. I like Madonna, and I wouldn't place that in her personal Top 30. But it just goes to show you that there are few objectives when it comes to music. :)

Besides, she'll still be around as inspiration for the likes of Gwen Stefani and Lady Gaga, two other then-young women of Italian ancestry and grudges against a traumatic Catholic education.

Yeah, if you were going to project the future based on what I've given you, you might even think of Madonna as somewhat swapping spots with OTL's Cyndi Lauper in terms of enduring fame; she's on track to be an "oh, yeah, I remember her" in twenty years but not headed towards obscurity (like poor Prince).

Of course, things have a way of happening in the Dirty Laundryverse, so who knows.... :)

How's John Hughes and Michael J Fox getting on?

I can't wait until we get to the summer blockbuster movie season for 1986! I've already dropped some hints....

So, concerning what day it is, how did A Christmas Story do ITTL?

I think Indiana Beach Crow nailed it. I owe you guys an HBO post, and that'll happen on the horizon.

Speaking of music: will we get any coverage on the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? It opened in January 1986 IOTL. Maybe we could see the inaugural list of inductees as well?

You will get coverage of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame when it opens in May of this year, at which point I'll back-fill with the nominees. Both should be entertaining.

Andrew T, are you familiar with the G4 Icons series? If not, I suggest watching it. The video game ones, not the ones after G4 stopped being a video game channel. Although you could watch those as well.

I am not; I'll have to go check 'em out.

Wow...no more SNL? This makes me interested to see what you have planned for so many alumni of the show that joined after '86. Dana Carvey, Phil Hartman, Mike Myers, Ben Stiller...I could go on and on.

I certainly hope this TL is kinder to Phil Hartman than ours!

Great entry :) Looking forward to hearing what happens to Magnatar. Why that choice in name?

Okay, I'll confess: I picked it because it sounded pretty awesomely 80s to me.

I was wondering when/if you'd touch on Slayer ITTL. :cool:

As far as 1986 is concerned, the Magnatar fandom will be really neat. There's going to be a hardcore group of fans (OTL's Slayer fans) who go absolutely nuts for everything they do, and then an outer circle of fans brought in by the commercial success of "Fight For the Right to Rock" whom the inner-circle types view as posers and hangers-on.

It kind of reminds me of the hardcore Whitesnake fans IOTL who were taken aback (and somewhat annoyed) when the band broke through as pop stars.

And what of Show No Mercy and Hell Awaits?

Only time will tell!

Great updates as always, especially considering the Bears win that Monday night game against Miami ITTL. I'm still a sore losing Dolphin hater, twenty-eight years later... :eek:

At the risk of alienating some of my Miami readers, I think the whole 'pop-the-champagne-to-celebrate-the-perfect-season' shtick is kind of ridiculous, so I'm not sad to see them dethroned as the Greatest Team of All Time here.

I was wondering, is there going to be a Christian rock scene in this TL? Maybe not Stryper, but the 80s is where the scene got really big IOTL (as well as slightly helping deflect the "All rock is evil" stigma) and it would be interesting to see what this timeline's equivalent of Stryper would be.

I haven't forgotten the main-sequence plot, which sees embattled freshman Congressman Don Henley facing charges of using Satanism to corrupt America's youth. So, rest assured that you'll find out some answers to some of these questions. :)

Stryper was the only one that was able to break out in a big way IOTL, mostly thanks to the popularity of "Honestly". I believe Andrew mentioned that the absence of Stryper in the Laundryverse has largely butterflied the Christian rock scene ITTL, but it might be possible, in the absence of any competition, for Petra fronted by John Schlitt to break through.

What about Kansas? Steve Walsh reformed the band after Streets (who are awesome; check out their albums because they're great) didn't pan out as he'd hoped but kept them a strictly secular entity.

These are really good thoughts; that's all I'll say for now. :)

I wonder what folks like Kerry Livgren (heck, even Bono) might have to say about the "rock music is the devil" and "War on Satanism" trends.

Me too!

Cool update, by the way (just in case you think I'd forgotten). Kudos for not going down the "every thrash band sells like their Garth Brooks" route. :p

Thanks! I expected a bit more of a backlash from depriving the world of OTL's number one album of 1986, though....

Slayer... and the Beastie Boys... in the same band ITTL?
...
...huh...

Also, what happened to Adam Horovitz; I thought he was in the Beastie Boys in 1986? Although, now that I think about, since the band never got that $40,000 and didn't move to 59 Chrystie Street, he doesn't join up with the band...

Okay, you get one freebie: Adam Horovitz is currently messing around with John Flansburgh and John Linnell on the New York nightclub circuit. I think I teased that a few hundred posts ago, but I can't remember for certain.
 
Speaking of Madonna, what's happening with her film career ITTL? OTL's 1986 saw the release of the critically derided box office bomb Shanghai Surprise. If that movie still happens ITTL, the reactions to it could be interesting given the controversy over Sexy Blasphemy.
 
Just gonna throw this out there...

John Hughes had an unproduced screenplay named Bartholomew Vs. Neff which was supposed to feature Sylvester Stallone and John Candy as feuding neighbours... in my opinion, that would have been awesome.

Also: I wouldn't mind hearing about Arnie ;)
 

Heavy

Banned
Thanks! I expected a bit more of a backlash from depriving the world of OTL's number one album of 1986, though....

Whitney Houston never happened? Which update was that in?

Also, to clarify what I meant about the Garth Brooks comment, one thing I didn't find terribly convincing about AceVenom's old thrash metal TL was that it was maybe a little too optimistic about the success some of the bands were able to obtain. I wasn't really sold on the idea of Anthrax (and I don't mind Anthrax, even if I'm not really into thrash metal) getting a 16-week number one album on the Billboard 200.

It's kind of like how everyone makes a huge deal of Nirvana knocking Michael Jackson off the number one spot, but Dangerous had already been number one for a month and Nirvana was there for half as long before they were replaced by Ropin' the Wind, which was a 10-week number one.

And the longest running number one album the year Nevermind was released? Some Gave All by Billy Ray Cyrus. It was the best-selling album in America for four consecutive months.
 
What I like about Dirty Laundry: 1. Candidate Don Henley 2. The Beastie Boys going full thrash. 3. Cusack=Marty McFly 4. Mayor Goetz? Really?

What I could kick you in the shins for: 1. You sent my fav music artist to the obscurity bin at the record store (I got a Prince album for a $1.00) 2. My videogame system got kicked in the butt (Intellivsion) 3. You deep-sixed my computer from the 80s, too (Apple)

Dayum, this is dope. Please keep it coming!!!! :)
 
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