1. Must be one of the following: White, Protestant, and/or penis accessorized. Lack or partial having of one or more of these will be permitted only upon review by a jaded party that requires minority vote and/or a sacrificial lamb.
2. Bland enough not to alienate the middle, but just spicy enough to appeal to: Liberals if a Democrat, Conservatives if a Republican, stoned college students that think they know the world if Ralph Nader, or stoned college students that think they know the world and believe in at least 12 conspiracy theories if Ron Paul.
3. Must share a vague resemblance to either John Kennedy or Ronald Reagan.
4. Be able to condense intelligent speeches into 15 second soundbites for ADD-riddled public.
5. Must be able to defend self against ADD-riddled public for so-called lack of substance for those 15 second soundbites.
6. Must appeal to opposite side of spectrum with one of the following: If a Democrat, hunting trips, NRA endorsements, War on Terror support, veteran past, “Traditionalism”, tax cuts, or folksiness. If a Republican, bipartisanship, support of some Social Welfare program, support for/of minorities, and not going crazy on Mexican immigration.
7. Must be willing to let dreams die in Federal bureaucracy, and then be yelled at by the hostile/incompetant Congress that killed said dreams for not delivering on campaign promises.
8. Must make inoffensive speeches in a nice voice.
9. Must have butt-load of money or ability to get a butt-load of money.
10. Must not be Dick Gephardt or have access to not being Dick Gephardt.
11. Must have an inoffensive past including: not inhaling, not thinking about inhaling, not drinking, not cheating on wife, not cheating on boyfriend, never having a boyfriend, not being a women, not being darker than a suntanned George Will, not being gay, not being a Democrat.
12. Finding Jesus nullifies point 11.
13. Must be religious, but not too religious.
14. Must have been born in 20th century, or at least look it.