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offtopic:emperor_charles_v

Emperor Charles V

Emperor Charles the Fifth (not the first or the sixth) was born in the Flemish city of Ghent on Feburary 24, 1500. He ascended to the throne as Holy Roman Emperor in 1519 following the death of his grandpa Max. Charles also became el Rey del España in 1516 jointly ruling with his mad mother properly named Joanna the Mad. In fact, Joanna the mad was so mad she once tried to eat the Ottoman Empire for Thanksgiving dinner. Why did she do this? Because it's Turkey! Geddit? (This joke never gets old–or does it?)

In 1526, Charles married this amazingly hot Portuguese chick named Isabella who had the sexiest legs since Cleopatra VII. Him and Empress Bella (as he called her) spent A LOT of time in the royal bedchamber together and had six beautiful children, three of them surviving. Their eldest son's name was Phil and if the internet existed in the sixteenth century his beard and ridiculous hat would probably be the subject of a lot of memes. Sadly, Empress Bella died in childbirth only 35 years old which put Charles into a deep mourning. In fact after Isabella died, he only wore black. Queen Victoria was such a copycat.

As Emperor, Charles had many fights with Martin Luther King Jr. over his pencil mustache and his founding of the protestant church (but mostly his pencil mustache). As a matter of a fact, MLK's mustache was what convinced Charles to go on a diet of worms for a year. Charles is also famous for sending out the explorers Hernan Cortes and Francisco “Pizza Face” Pizarro out to the new world to get the four g's: gold, God, glory and girls. Charles V was also a nephew by marriage of King Henry VIII. Henry grew so jealous of Charles because out of all six of his wives, none of them was as sexy as Empress Bella.

Charles V grew tired of being an Emperor and he felt like it was time for him to retire so in 1556 he made an “I am not a crook” speech for no apparent reason and then abdictated which is just a fancy term for a king calling it quits. Since he was smart, he gave half of his huge empire to his son Phil and the other half to his little bro Ferdinand. He did because he thought that Phil was too irresponible to run the entire empire himself and he would get too involved in trying to take over the English than he imperial duties. On September 21, 1558, Charles ordered his servants to make a decoy of him and pretend he was dead. With this, he left Europe.

As all the people back in Europe thought that Charles was dead, he was really living it up in the Carribien. The people were foolish to think he was dead because his imprerial majesty never dies. Charles soon changed his name to Carlalakatu and became a part of the native Arawak tribe in the Carribien. Charles also married again, this time to a hot Arawak woman named Malliouhana (Mally for short) and the two ended up having twelve children together. One of these children ended up inheriting the rare immortality gene Charles had. Since the gene made the babies that had it glow, Mally thought the immortal baby she had with Charles was a bad omen from the Arawak gods so she threw him into the Carribien sea. However, since the baby was immortal, he ended up drifting through the Atlantic ocean up to the Arctic where he ended up freezing into solid ice. In 1947, he was thawed out by a Swedish man still perfectly alive and a baby. The Swedish man for some reason assumed he was an American so he placed him in an American oprhanage. He was soon adopted by American parents. Today he is known as Mitt Romney.

When Mally died, Charles went into mourning once again but this time he couldn't wear black since he was already wearing all black so he changed to wearing hot pink. However, hot pink is also seen as a bad omen to the Arawaks so he was exiled from the Carribien on a raft. He later washed up on the shores of England and thought to himself, he had a shot of being an emperor again. So he contacted Merlin the wizard to help make him a king again but the only wizard he could find was Selena Gomez. Anyway, Selena gave him this rebirth ray which could make anyone get reborn to any woman still with the memories of his past life. He used the ray to get reborn to Henrietta Maria, the English queen. When he was born, Henrietta thought Charles was her son with her husband King Charles I. Therefore, Charles became heir to the throne and soon Charles II, the King of England. This was a slap-in-the-face to his son Phil who always wanted to be the English king. For the reign of Charles in England refer to the following link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2kyNbZc7oc

Soon Charles got tired of being the king of England and after having a lot of parties, mistresses and illegitimate children, he finally called it quits and faked death again in 1685. Although this time he started having fun with the rebirth ray he acquired from Selena. Using the ray, Charles was able to become reborn as many famous figures such as Naopleon Bonaparte, Boss Tweed and Richard Nixon. As his next life, Charles wanted to be the Canadian Justin Bieber but accidentely targeted a twenty-one year old woman from Virginia who was living in Maryland at the time. Coincedentely, the woman named her new son Charles. Today, he is the body that is inhabited by the former Emperor Charles V.

Now Charles can be seen moping around his town planning to be king or even emperor again. He currently is in a relationship with a hot half Russian girl by the name of Mikayla. Charles apologizes for the weird spelling of her name on the behalf of her parents. In his free time, Charles enjoys throwing around a skin of a pig with his friends while running on a gridiron. Although born in the Reniassance, he is truly medieval at heart. Charles politically identifies himself as a conservative and proudly placed his first ever vote in an American election for his son Mitt Romney. Charles also enjoys laying out timelines of how the world would be if it wasn't for his wonderful conquests and all that good stuff.


offtopic/emperor_charles_v.txt · Last modified: 2016/06/15 18:01 by petike