THE OLD TIME WAY
Reverend Milo Miles
Elroy Jenkins wasn't much on religion. He wasn't much on reading either. He was pretty much satisfied to live out his days working on his dad Nehemiah's farm here in Michigania. Oshkosh, the capital of the state, was 10 miles away, but it was still a frontier. Elroy was 22 but he had barely ever met people from outside of his tiny town of Washingtonburg. He spent most of his days splitting logs and minding the animals. During planting time he'd hitch up Shirley and Betsy, Jenkins' family's two mules, and plow the fields. During harvest his hands would callous from all the hard work harvesting their meager crops. All in all, Elroy was a very unremarkable man, and he longed for an adventure or something more interesting to do. But, alas, he settled himself into complacency and didn't try to improve his lot, knowing one day he would inherit the farm, marry a local girl, and start the cycle all over again.
But it was on July 9, 1829, that his life would change forever. Milo Miles, the renown American Fundamentalist Reverend, was coming to the tiny town of Washingtonburg, something which stunned the locals. For such a mighty man of God to come visit their insignificant village, Miles must indeed be a kind and caring reverend. Elroy was skeptical of most all religions, and he thought the local pastor of their Calvinist church was extremely bland and did nothing to help win him over. But, Elroy thought, he had heard this Miles and his American Fundamentalist Church were sweeping the land. It had been around since the turn-of-the-century, but out here in the sticks, Elroy had scarcely heard of it. He figured he might go check it out tonight and see what the fuss was about.
Elroy put on his Sunday threads, with his old stovepipe hat and his worn black jacket, and set out on his horse to go to the revival. It was being hosted down at the banks of the mighty Fox River. It was a splendid day, all-in-all, only slightly chilly for such an early spring day and the sun shown down brightly on the waters as Elroy approached. There were already over a hundred people present, some of whom had come 50 miles just to hear Milo Miles preach. There was a wooden platform with a pulpit that had been set up for Miles, and his men were scurrying about making sure everything was just right. A giant cross with a bursting star in its center, the symbol of the AFC Church, was erected behind the pulpit just as Elroy got there. Truly, for such a small event in a small hamlet, the AFC was going all out.
Elroy situated himself on a stump nearby, taking off his hat and placing it on the ground beside it. He waited and waited for the service to begin, but Miles was still in his personal carriage. After what seemed like forever, the carriage door creaked open and a handsome man in a Eastcoast style suit, immaculate in every way, stepped out. The crowd applauded as Miles made his way to the pulpit, smiling all the way. Elroy had never seen a more dapper man in his life, and he couldn't help but be impressed. His own suit was barely held together at the seams and here this man was, smiling and perfectly groomed. Miles was doing something right with his life.
Miles situated himself behind the pulpit and bowed his head to all the people in the riverside audience. He then clasped his two hands together and said, "Let us pray." All present, including Elroy out of respect, bowed their own heads. Miles began, saying, "Oh Lord Jehovah, we beseech thee to pour thy blessings out upon all those gathered here today, and to keep them safe on the long roads back home some of them must travel. Oh Lord God of the Chosen People, bring me strength to convert and bring your everlasting peace to the men, women, and children gathered here today. May I bring even more souls into your fold, and may they take their new knowledge and preach the miracle and truth of Manifest Destiny to the far corners of the globe. In the name of Jehovah and Manifest Destiny, Amen."
"Amen," agreed everyone. Elroy wasn't sure about this man, but he seemed to be very dedicated, so he at least appreciated that much.
Miles picked up his Bible from the pulpit and held it high, saying, "This! This book! This is the Way, the Truth, and the Light! Via, Veritas, Vita! This, my countrymen, is not just a promise of everlasting peace and love and fellowship, but as the words of the Angel of Destiny said through the pen of the Prophet Burr, God Help and Keep him, '
Manifest Destiny shall heal our wounds and sorrow! For God our Lord has lifted us above all other nations!' Verses 1 and 2 of the book of Manifestum proclaim,
'A shining city upon a hill, we shall worship Jehovah and build for him an altar in the evening dews and damps. Yea, whoever shall stand against us shall be struck down with thunderous fury, for the Angel of Destiny has told us to march on. We shall build a watchfire, and prepare the New Jerusalem to receive our Savior and his cohort of past patriot-saints upon his Second Coming. Amen.'"
Miles adjusted himself and stared down each and every single person present with his piercing blue eyes. He continued, lowering the book and asking, "Now, what does that have to do with you folks? I'll tell you. Each and every single man, woman, and child here is needed to help build that altar in the evening dews and damps. Why evening? Why that time of day, you ask? Because we are in the evening and setting sun of this fallen world. This Luciferian pit of abyss we call Earth is in the final stages of rot before the New Jerusalem shall come and right the ship before the Master comes home again. Don't throw away the lessons of First Thessalonians, '
But of the times and the seasons, brethren, ye have no need that I write unto you. For yourselves know perfectly that the day of the Lord so cometh as a thief in the night. For when they shall say, Peace and safety; then sudden destruction cometh upon them, as travail upon a woman with child; and they shall not escape. But ye, brethren, are not in darkness, that that day should overtake you as a thief. Ye are all the children of light, and the children of the day: we are not of the night, nor of darkness. Therefore let us not sleep, as do others; but let us watch and be sober.' The foreign hordes in Europe! Those Papist dogs, they think they have safety under the bloody boot-heel of Napoleon? Wrong! Woe unto them! For the day of the Lord cometh as a thief in the night, my brothers and sisters! We are entering the End of Days. But this is a good thing! We, my countrymen, are the Chosen People of God. We are the New Jerusalem, a rock upon which the Prophet will build his foundation upon. We have been through so much pain and so much agony as a country these many years, wandering through the wilderness, not knowing why we were seemingly cursed, our fathers slain in their masses in 1812, our mothers and sisters raped, our homesteads and property set to light by the Canadian hordes, our so-called allies leaving us to destruction. But the day of holy vengeance is upon us! The day of the Sanctification!"
"Amen!" rippled through the audience.
"The day of the Purification!"
"Amen!"
"The day of the Salvation!"
"Amen!"
"The day of the Transmogrification!"
"Amen!"
"The day of the Restoration!"
"AMEN!"
"THE DAY OF THE NEW JERUSALEM, WHICH SHALL GUIDE OUR PEOPLE THROUGH ADVERSITY AND INTO LIGHT!"
The crowd was quickly coming over to Miles side. Next, he would pull out all the stops. He raised his fist in the air, proclaiming, "Holy fire and damnation shall be poured forth onto those that deny us our Manifest Destiny, and they shall be turned like unto salt and glass! We, my fellow countrymen, are the future of this planet. We shall build a New Jerusalem, a New Zion, here in North America. We shall overrun, overtake, and overcome all enemies who seek our destruction. Never again will we face uncertainty, murder, or poverty. The White Anglo-Saxon American Man shall liberate the oppressed Southron Negro, and together they shall beat back the tidal wave of anarchist foreigners and imperialists and unite this continent under a single holy banner, waving in the fresh, clean air the from Atlantic to the Pacific, and yes, right here in Washingtonburg as well. In Canada! Our rightful soil! In Mexico! Where bloodthirsty madmen butcher their own. We shall show the papist and imperialist aggressor-pigs that those who stand against the Kingdom of God shall not stand for long. We should almost feel sorry for them, for the transmogrifying hellfire and judgement God shall pour forth upon our enemies will decimate the earth. But this judgement need not await you or your family! For if you accept the Word of God, Angel, and Prophet into your heart, you too can be prepared! You too shall help build God's Eternal Kingdom on this Earth and receive everlasting salvation!"
The people were loving every second at this point. Some were crying, remembering the horrors of 1812, losing entire families. Losing everything they ever had. Where had the Lutherans or Baptists or Methodists been when that was happening? And here was this young man, promising everlasting life and the power to rebuild America into a nation that could absolutely destroy its enemies in the blink of an eye. To Elroy, it sounded a little too good to be true, but Miles had his attention.
Miles strutted back and forth on the platform, sweating under the noon day sun from being so worked up. He ripped off his suit jacket and raised his arms to the sky, rambling in some nonsensical language Elroy had never heard. Then Elroy realized the pastor was speaking in tongues, so full of the Holy Spirit that the Lord had completely overtaken him. The man thrashed about, his eyes shining like glowing lamps, and then he came down into the audience. He started tapping people on the foreheads. The Smiting of the Spirits. Awe overcame Elroy as Miles proceeded to literally exorcise the devil out of a dozen people, sending them flying backwards. The whole thing was made even more dramatic by a small band on the right side of the platform, who were playing
Onward Christian Soldier loud and clear.
Before long, the whole crowd was shaking and gyrating, almost like a fever had come over them all. They were shouting and convulsing, writhing on the soil, spinning in circles. A choir, all dressed in blue robes, which had been standing silently behind Miles this entire time, had now brought four small wooden crates to the platform. Then, they all lined up and began to belt out the sweetest version of
Amazing Grace that Elroy had ever heard. The band stopped.It was like living in slow motion as they sang and the Reverend Miles jumped up and down, filled with fire and the Holy Spirit. Elroy's shock was still great, however, when out of one of the crates Miles produced a rattlesnake, deadly as could be, and proceeded to chant in tongues as he held the serpent aloft.
"Ye shall pick up deadly serpents and they shall not hurt thee!" cried Miles, jumping up and down ritually, sweat pouring off his brow, his shirt's underarms now sporting massive dark circles. His boots hit the wood of the platform with every hop, rhythmically setting the beat for the band to begin playing again. This time they played
Old Time Religion, a hit that was sweeping the nation. Even Elroy had heard. As the choir sang and the band played and the preacher hopped up and down with a venomous animal, Elroy found himself joining in the song, almost without thinking.
Give me that old-time religion,
Give me that old-time religion
Give me that old-time religion
It's good enough for me!
It was good for the Hebrew Children,
It was good for the Hebrew Children
It was good for the Hebrew Children
It's good enough for me!
It will do when I am dying,
It will do when I am dying
It will do when I am dying
It's good enough for me!
Elroy and the rest of the crowd were now worked up into a fever. It was almost like an out of body experience to Elroy. Here he was, someone with no interest in religion or gods, getting swept up in the whole thing. It was magnificent theatre, and though Elroy tried to snap himself out of it, he decided to just let Miles take control.
Miles threw the serpent into the crowd, where believers caught it. He then did the same with snakes he pulled out of the other crates. Then, the sweaty minister made his way through the crowd, smiting more spirits and laying hands as he went. Suddenly, he was right before Elroy. They locked eyes and Miles outstretched his arms.
"Believers!" shouted Miles in a voice even more powerful close up, putting Elroy in further awe. "We are here to save souls! Brother, what is your name, my boy?"
Elroy felt his heart about to explode. Here was this famous man, talking directly to him. "Uhm... Elr--Elroy Jenkins, sir," he stammered awkwardly.
Miles put his hand on his shoulder and said, "Brother Elroy! Will ye come to the riverside and be washed and sanctified of your sins in the everlasting Waters of Manifest Destiny?"
Elroy froze for a second and then just decided to go with it. "I... I will! I wish to sanctified, good reverend!"
"Hallelujah!" screamed Miles, followed by the crowd doing the same. Again, a feeling of moving almost in slow motion came over Elroy as he walked behind Miles to the riverside, the crowd parting like the Red Sea before Moses. When Miles and Elroy got knee-deep in the water, Miles started performing the ceremony. Elroy dropped to his knees. "Brother, do you accept the Word of God and the Books of Manifest Destiny to be the Way, the Truth, and Light?"
"I do," said Elroy.
Miles pushed him under the water and then pulled him back out. "Do you accept Jesus Christ as your savior?"
"I do." said Elroy again, spluttering from the water.
Miles again dunked him underwater and then pulled him back to ask, "Do you accept the Angel of Destiny as the guardian of your country, this New Jerusalem?"
"I do!"
Dunk.
"Do you accept Aaron Burr as the Prophet of the Lord God of the New Israel?"
"Yes I do!"
Splash.
"And lastly, brother, would you give your life in defense of your God, Country, and People?"
Elroy smiled and said, "Gladly. For the first time I know peace."
"Hallelujah!"
More people came splashing down into the water, ready to be baptized as well. The entire town of Washingtonburg would eventually become card-carrying members of the American Fundamentalist Christian Church.
Elroy Jenkins would join the Oshkosh Fundamentalist Volunteer Brigade in 1832. He would be the first soldier killed in combat during the Subjugation of Vermont, on October 1st, 1832, just three days after his 23rd birthday. His body was returned to his family and buried underneath the trees of his Washingtonburg, Michiganian home, with an AFC cross above his grave. Private Elroy Jenkins, Oshkosh Fundamentalist Volunteer Brigade, was the first man to have given his life in the First Union War of Aggression. He wouldn't be the last...
Also I'm digging the Union renaming Detroit to "Sanctify."
