Richard The Lionheart has a son

[FairlyUninformedGraduate]

Lol.

*Few years down the line Richard junior's about eight here.

"Uncle John, why are you always so grumpy?"

"Grumpy? My dear boy, I'm not grumpy, I am merely serious."

"Why are you so serious?"

"Do you want to know how I got this scar?" Points to scar above his right eye.

"Yes, Uncle John!"

"Well it all started when a young Prince was left in charge of a great Empire......"

Richard Junior's 9th birthday.

John (bursts in): Happy birthday nephew! I brought you a delicious jug of hot birthday milk.

RJr: Why does it smell funny?

John: Nonsense! Just, you know, drink it up. Quickly. Before your-

Richard and Berengaria Arrive

John: On second thoughts... (grabs goblet and throws it out of a window)

Richard: Lil bro!

Berengaria (icily): Ola.

John sidles out of the room muttering: Not poison, definitley not poison...

 

[VVD0D95]

Richard Junior's 9th birthday.

John (bursts in): Happy birthday nephew! I brought you a delicious jug of hot birthday milk.

RJr: Why does it smell funny?

John: Nonsense! Just, you know, drink it up. Quickly. Before your-

Richard and Berengaria Arrive

John: On second thoughts... (grabs goblet and throws it out of a window)

Richard: Lil bro!

Berengaria (icily): Ola.

John sidles out of the room muttering: Not poison, definitley not poison...

Lmao.

RJ's being named regent-ceremonially- whilst his dad's out to fight the French.

"Now don't forget, always look to Sir William and Your Mother before doing anything that your Uncle suggests, do you understand?"

"Yes, Father."

"Good, now spit out that sweet Uncle John gave you."

"Yes, Father." RJ spits out sweet, hands it to his father, coughs slightly, and then drinks some wine.

Richard later finds his brother and smacks him over the head.

"Do that again, and I'll gut you myself."

 

[FairlyUninformedGraduate]

Lmao.

RJ's being named regent-ceremonially- whilst his dad's out to fight the French.

"Now don't forget, always look to Sir William and Your Mother before doing anything that your Uncle suggests, do you understand?"

"Yes, Father."

"Good, now spit out that sweet Uncle John gave you."

"Yes, Father." RJ spits out sweet, hands it to his father, coughs slightly, and then drinks some wine.

Richard later finds his brother and smacks him over the head.

"Do that again, and I'll gut you myself."

Ten years later

John: Bow before me, loyal subjects, and hear my word of command - from each village, I summon your hale and hearty men, from each lord, the duty of arms; I shall send among you my tax collectors, to fortify our treasure house, that our armies shall march!
......

An irish person:....feck off. (walks off)

John:.....

John: (crying) bloodysoddingberen-bloody-gariaandherbloody,bloodykid...

 

[VVD0D95]

Ten years later

John: Bow before me, loyal subjects, and hear my word of command - from each village, I summon your hale and hearty men, from each lord, the duty of arms; I shall send among you my tax collectors, to fortify our treasure house, that our armies shall march!
......

An irish person:....feck off. (walks off)

John:.....

John: (crying) bloodysoddingberen-bloody-gariaandherbloody,bloodykid...

Lmao.

Why do I have this image of Richard II in Westminster Palace just giggling wildly when he learns about his uncle's humiliation.

 

[FairlyUninformedGraduate]

John: Thank you for visiting me, Arthur. It gets a bit lonley being lord of an island thats constantly in revolt. That, and the fact three of my last four castles have been burnt down and i spent the entirety of my tax revenue from last year on wine.

Arthur: really? how much did you buy?

John;... one... well, one bottle. But it was, you know, good stuff. In a brown parchment bag.

john knocks over a stack of old documents. Arthur picks one up.

Arthur: look uncle! one of your old diaries from when I was jsut a boy. lets have a look? itll be fun!

John: Er, no... nooooo lets talk about... er.. look is that a massive hawk?

Arthur: Hah, its a to-do list. It says, 'Speak to the constable about repairs to the battlements... hang on... 'imprison Arthur, question mark, kill question mark, and the next bit you've underlined, it says Richard's brat, look into how to make a horse fall over 'accidentally'...

John: Ahhh....hah... it was a... joke?

Arthur: guards!

john:...balls.

 

[FairlyUninformedGraduate]

Lmao.

Why do I have this image of Richard II in Westminster Palace just giggling wildly when he learns about his uncle's humiliation.

Definitley!

 

[VVD0D95]

John: Thank you for visiting me, Arthur. It gets a bit lonley being lord of an island thats constantly in revolt. That, and the fact three of my last four castles have been burnt down and i spent the entirety of my tax revenue from last year on wine.

Arthur: really? how much did you buy?

John;... one... well, one bottle. But it was, you know, good stuff. In a brown parchment bag.

john knocks over a stack of old documents. Arthur picks one up.

Arthur: look uncle! one of your old diaries from when I was jsut a boy. lets have a look? itll be fun!

John: Er, no... nooooo lets talk about... er.. look is that a massive hawk?

Arthur: Hah, its a to-do list. It says, 'Speak to the constable about repairs to the battlements... hang on... 'imprison Arthur, question mark, kill question mark, and the next bit you've underlined, it says Richard's brat, look into how to make a horse fall over 'accidentally'...

John: Ahhh....hah... it was a... joke?

Arthur: guards!

john:...balls.

Lol.

Ahh poor John, of course, he might actually click with Richard Junior, who knows aha

 

[FairlyUninformedGraduate]

Lol.

Ahh poor John, of course, he might actually click with Richard Junior, who knows aha

RIIRex: So, uncle. We meet again. You've lost weight I see. Amazing view you have here. Bit breezy though. Cousin Arthur's here too!
Arthur: (cheerfully) Hellooo! (waves)
John: [is a head on a stake]
RIIRex: Well its been a delight, Uncle. i think your subjects want to see you now - I know what its like, they always want a piece of you. Cheerio. (leaves, giggling, and passing Arthur a non poisoned sweet)
Raven (landing on john's head): Caw.
Second Raven: (Hungrily) Cawww.

 

[VVD0D95]

RIIRex: So, uncle. We meet again. You've lost weight I see. Amazing view you have here. Bit breezy though.
John: [is a head on a stake]
RIIRex: Well its been a delight, Uncle. i think your subjects want to see you now - I know what its like, they always want a piece of you. Cheerio. (leaves, giggling, and passing Arthur a non poisoned sweet)
Raven (landing on john's head): Caw.
Second Raven: (Hungrily) Cawww.

Lmao.

Why do I now have an image of Philip Augustus talking to his son Louis and saying this.

"Be careful of that Richard fellow, he's dangerous."

"Which one?"

"The son not the father. The father's predictable. The son's got brains."

"Ah."

Five years later, Louis meets Richard II, with Louis serving as Richard's prisoner.

"My father was right about you."

 

[FairlyUninformedGraduate]

Lmao.

Why do I now have an image of Philip Augustus talking to his son Louis and saying this.

"Be careful of that Richard fellow, he's dangerous."

"Which one?"

"The son not the father. The father's predictable. The son's got brains."

"Ah."

Five years later, Louis meets Richard II, with Louis serving as Richard's prisoner.

"My father was right about you."

i think all history should be digestible in humorous sketches, personally.

 

[VVD0D95]

i think all history should be digestible in humorous sketches, personally.

I think the bois in Monty Python agree, I certainly do

 

[FairlyUninformedGraduate]

Lmao.

Why do I now have an image of Philip Augustus talking to his son Louis and saying this.

"Be careful of that Richard fellow, he's dangerous."

"Which one?"

"The son not the father. The father's predictable. The son's got brains."

"Ah."

Five years later, Louis meets Richard II, with Louis serving as Richard's prisoner.

"My father was right about you."

Five years after that, in the Tower of London.

RIIrex: Louis! good to see you. Hows things?

Louis: Oh, you know. As we say in France, comme ci comme ca.

RIIRex: Actually, you've been away a while, do you know what they say in france these days?

Louis: non? (taking a sweet from a tray Richard passes him)

RIIRex: (leaning forward, grinning) Vive Le roi, Richard le deuxieme.

Louis:...Testicules.

 

[VVD0D95]

Five years after that, in the Tower of London.

RIIrex: Louis! good to see you. Hows things?

Louis: Oh, you know. As we say in France, comme ci comme ca.

RIIRex: Actually, you've been away a while, do you know what they say in france these days?

Louis: non? (taking a sweet from a tray Richard passes him)

RIIRex: (leaning forward, grinning) Vive Le roi, Richard le deuxieme.

Louis:...Testicules.

Richard to the barons.

"You know, we've always had a good relationship, so I think it's only fair that I give you something in return for your service." Claps his hands, servants come forward bringing a chest. Richard opens the chest, inside is a piece of paper.

"What is this, Sire?" one of the barons says.

"A document containing your rights and liberties."

"But, Sire, no one can read this?"

"Exactly, it's the word of the law, and the law makes no fucking sense whatsoever."

 

[FairlyUninformedGraduate]

Richard to the barons.

"You know, we've always had a good relationship, so I think it's only fair that I give you something in return for your service." Claps his hands, servants come forward bringing a chest. Richard opens the chest, inside is a piece of paper.

"What is this, Sire?" one of the barons says.

"A document containing your rights and liberties."

"But, Sire, no one can read this?"

"Exactly, it's the word of the law, and the law makes no fucking sense whatsoever."

Alternatively:

But sire, its blank?

Richard: Exactly...

Barons: (nervously) God save the king...?

 

[FairlyUninformedGraduate]

At some point Richard II appears to have become the Patrician.

 

[VVD0D95]

At some point Richard II appears to have become the Patrician.

Lmao.

I was thinking perhaps whilst Richard I is remembered as a fantastic commander, but perhaps a shit politician, his son is remembered more for his political machinations and successes than for any successful wars-though those would exist-

 

[FairlyUninformedGraduate]

Lmao.

I was thinking perhaps whilst Richard I is remembered as a fantastic commander, but perhaps a shit politician, his son is remembered more for his political machinations and successes than for any successful wars-though those would exist-

It would make sense - if hes got brains he'll see that he needs to consolidate more than conquer, and build up the financial reserves to push back against a revanchist french crown. Enough glory to keep his reputation high and enough politicking to give him stability.

 

[FairlyUninformedGraduate]

It would make sense - if hes got brains he'll see that he needs to consolidate more than conquer, and build up the financial reserves to push back against a revanchist french crown. Enough glory to keep his reputation high and enough politicking to give him stability.

Thinking about it - if he controls (directly or via loyal vassals) Brittany, Normandy, Anjou, and Aquitaine, with good relations with Navarre, then how much of France do the french actually still rule, bearing in mind the territories between would probably be keen to keep both sides happy? If Alt Richard II can engineer some trouble with the HRE then he can keep them tied up whilst he consolidates.

 

[VVD0D95]

It would make sense - if hes got brains he'll see that he needs to consolidate more than conquer, and build up the financial reserves to push back against a revanchist french crown. Enough glory to keep his reputation high and enough politicking to give him stability.

Definitely

Thinking about it - if he controls (directly or via loyal vassals) Brittany, Normandy, Anjou, and Aquitaine, with good relations with Navarre, then how much of France do the french actually still rule, bearing in mind the territories between would probably be keen to keep both sides happy? If Alt Richard II can engineer some trouble with the HRE then he can keep them tied up whilst he consolidates.

Hmm that's true, I'd imagine the Il de France, maybe Provence, Bolougne, and a few other areas in between?

 

[The Professor]

Um, Henry or William would be more likely considering his family. Though of course, Richard might just be that egotistical to name the bairn after himself.