Part Two
[Trade Ship]
(The Auton pirates are now all on their feet, audibly-buzzing as they advance and circle the crew. The Doctor and Heart cross to Diamond and help her to her feet.)
DIAMOND: That's him. It's Club.
HEART: It can't be.
DOCTOR: It's an Auton with your brother's face and somehow he's ended up running with eighteenth century pirates...
DIAMOND: And I think we know why if not how.
DOCTOR: This isn't the time for recriminations!
(Club's hand snaps shut and he picks up a cutlass.)
CLUB: Surrender, allow us your cargo and you will be spared. You've already seen we can't be stopped by blade or pistol shot.
CAPTAIN: And if we surrender, you'll leave us be?
CLUB: Oh no, Captain. Every man must prove worthy or be fed to the sharks. You’ll will all come with us aboard our vessel, the Festering Buccaneer - either to provide us with ransom for your lives or more crew to aide our cause.
CAPTAIN: Never!
(Club extends the cutlass towards his throat.)
CLUB: Then your only worth will be the entertainment of us disposing of you one by one.
(Worried looks from the crew.)
HEART: Doctor...
DOCTOR: Don't worry. I've gotten out of tighter spots.
HEART: Such as?
DOCTOR: Remember when we first met?
[Penance Corridor]
(The Doctor finds himself cornered between Heart and Diamond, both with hand-guns open and faces now plastic masks. They buzz loudly. The Doctor turns left, then right, realizing he's trapped. He raises his hands, but the twins aim their guns at his head. The Doctor sights, closing his eyes and resigned to his fate... then ducks as the Autons shoot each other. The blasts slam the twins in either direction, and the Doctor sprints to safety down the corridor. The twins struggle to their feet, unharmed and unstoppable.)
[Penance Flight Deck]
(Spade and Club are now mannequin-faced, aiming their hands at Avon, Vila, Telon, Korell and Serge as they back away. The twins' hands drop away from the knuckles and extend their guns.)
VILA: Killer robots set off by a locked box. This isn't even the first time this has happened to me!
KORELL: Did you learn anything from the last time?
AVON: Yes, he needs me to get out of this alive.
TELON: I think I'll take my chance with these things then.
SERGE: What? Why?
AVON: (feral grin) Only that I have never guaranteed you your safety.
VILA: And for very good reason. (calls) Look, what is it you want? I'm sure we can discuss this.
(Spade fires. Vila dives and there is an explosion against the wall. Telon raises his rifle and fires, staining Spade's uniform with the blast but doing no damage. Club fires and Telon is hit. He spins and falls, orange smoke pouring from his chest.)
[Penance Airlock]
(The Doctor runs up to the open airlock and inside as the twins run into view. The hatch irises shut as they fire. Smoke blossoms from the hull.)
[Shuttle Airlock]
(The Doctor sags in relief by the closed hatch, then realizes a gun is pressed to his head. He turns around to see Soolin using her good arm.)
DOCTOR: Oh come on, this is just getting contrived!
SOOLIN: Plasma bullets don't care about credibility. Tell me what's going on or I'll kill you.
DOCTOR: You'll hardly find out the truth then, will you?
SOOLIN: Then I'll live ignorant while you die informed. Is that what you want?
DOCTOR: It seems Mr. Serge's security force are Autons and they've decided to go on a killing spree.
SOOLIN: Autons? What are they? Androids?
DOCTOR: Well, near enough. They're lumps of animated plastic. Designed to slaughter every living thing they can find.
(More shots are heard from the other side of the hatch.)
SOOLIN: And they've found us.
DOCTOR: That's about the size of it.
[Penance Airlock]
(The twins fire their guns at the hatch, causing more explosions and smoke.)
[Penance Flight Deck]
(Vila and Avon dive behind a console as Spade fires at them. Korell and Serge scatter as Club fires at them.)
SERGE: Stop this! I order you! You must recognize my authority and...
(Korell pulls him down as Club fires again. The blast scorches his shoulder and he screams.)
KORELL: Shut up! (calls) You two! Do something, we'll buy you some time and...
(She ducks from another shot and fires at Club's gun-hand, knocking it back and spoiling the aim. Spade turns to face them and Vila jump up above the console and whistles. Spade spins around and the shot explodes against his plastic head, knocking him back. Vila fires again.)
VILA: Yes, denying me a weapon is proving a brilliant tactical move!
(Vila ducks down beside him, furious.)
AVON: Save your breath to say something useful!
VILA: As I've been tell you for the last decade!
(Korell drags Serge out the door and Club lumbers after them. Spade moves to follow, then stops and turns back to the console and fires at it, blowing out a chunk in a big explosion.)
[Penance Corridor]
(Korell hauls Serge around the corner.)
SERGE: "Do something?" That was your plan?! You must be quite the psychostrategist with ideas like that!
KORELL: As a matter of fact, I am.
SERGE: Really? No wonder you're on the run from the empire with a bunch of convicted criminals. You think I didn't know those two back there were?
KORELL: Shut up, let's look at your injury.
(She checks his shoulder.)
KORELL: Looks worse than it is.
SERGE: Feels worse than it looks, though!
(Club approaches and they start running. Club fires again and Korell howls, clutching her side.)
SERGE: Don't worry, it looks worse than it is!
(They flee as Club runs after them.)
[Penance Flight Deck]
(Smoke is pouring from the gutted console. Avon and Vila are still alive but huddled behind the ruin. Buzzing, Spade approaches, gun extended.)
VILA: So. Any cunning plans not involve shooting your own side and going catatonic?
AVON: Do you want the truth or reassurance?
VILA: I want to survive.
AVON: All right. Give me the gun. I'll distract that thing, you re-seal that sphere. It might deactivate these things.
VILA: It might? So it might not?
AVON: You have eight seconds to come up with a better idea. Either that or choose some proper last words instead of apologizing to your attackers.
(Vila scowls, then gives Avon the gun. Avon dives out, rolls and kicks at Spade's leg. While the Auton is distracted, Vila runs over to the crate and closes it up. Nothing happens, so he works to re-seal it. Avon fires again and again, finally severing Spade's gun-arm which drops to the floor.)
[Penance Airlock]
(Heart and Diamond have blackened and scorched the airlock hatch. They open fire again and explosions rip into the panels.)
[Shuttle Cockpit]
(The Doctor darts around, adjusting controls. Soolin watches on, gun raised, but not stopping him.)
SOOLIN: What about the others on that ship?
DOCTOR: I haven't the faintest idea. There are two other Autons on the loose, maybe they're in danger, maybe they're already dead.
SOOLIN: We can't abandon them until we know.
DOCTOR: We can hardly help them if we're dead. The best plan is to undock and put some distance between us and those two girls.
SOOLIN: If they blow the hatch, the Penance will depressurize.
DOCTOR: Autons don't need air.
SOOLIN: Human beings do.
DOCTOR: This isn't my preferred solution, Miss... What's your name again?
SOOLIN: What's yours?
DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor.
SOOLIN: Well, I'm the gunfighter and I say...
(A loud explosion outside.)
SOOLIN: ...that it's probably academic now.
[Penance Airlock]
(Heart and Diamond move through the smoking hole in the airlock and into the ship.)
[Penance Flight Deck]
(Vila is using his tools on the crate with increasing desperation. Avon backs away from the one-armed Spade. He fires again, but Spade doesn't fall.)
AVON: I'm running out of ammunition!
VILA: Oh, it was bound to happen eventually!
AVON: Haven't you closed that box yet?
VILA: Yes, but it's obviously not working!
(Avon pulls the trigger, but the gun doesn't fire. Spade steps closer, and Avon smashes the gun against his face, then runs to Vila.)
AVON: There must be some kind of containment field.
VILA: Obviously, but I can't reactivate it.
AVON: Yes, it must be obvious if a halfwit like you can spot it.
(Avon takes a tool and readjusts it. Vila looks up at Spade, who stares at them.)
VILA: Has he calmed down? He looks like he's calmed down.
(The severed arm twists around and fires at them. Vila yelps as a patch of wall explodes in flames.)
[Penance Corridor]
(Korell and Serge, both injured now, hobble around a corner as fast as they can. Club steps around the far end, gun-hand already raised and aimed at them.)
[Shuttle Cockpit]
(An Auton blast and suddenly the cockpit door jolts open. The twins advance, gun-arms at the ready.)
SOOLIN: I take it this gun won't make any difference?
DOCTOR: None whatsoever.
SOOLIN: So what's your plan?
(The twins advance.)
DOCTOR: All right you two. I'm giving you till the count of three to close up those hands of yours. One. Two.
(Beat.)
DOCTOR: Two and a half.
[Penance Flight Deck]
(Spade's severed hand fires again. Avon twists a tool and a light blinks on the crate. Immediately the shrill warble of the energy sphere is muffled. The buzzing of Spade dies away and he stumbles back with a confused grunt.)
[Penance Corridor]
(Club lowers his weapon, stagger around a bit then falls over before the astonished Serge and Korell.)
[Shuttle Cockpit]
(The twins stagger drunkenly, nearly falling over.)
SOOLIN: You had no idea that was going to happen, did you?
(The Doctor waggles a hand in a "more or less" gesture.)
[Penance Flight Deck]
(Spade almost falls into a chair, looking dazed.)
AVON: Whatever is in that box generated a control signal these creatures respond to. The box is designed to insulate and contain that signal.
VILA: I can see that. Like the indoctrination the Federation uses, remote-controlling sleeper agents.
AVON: That's not Federation technology.
VILA: Oh thanks, I'd never have guessed. But what do we do now? Chuck that box overboard?
AVON: No, the risk of it being opened again is too high. Presumably why it was left with Serge in the first place. The interesting question is how these things were tamed in the first place...
(Spade blinks and peers up at them and his missing arm.)
SPADE: I am Spade. Status at sixty-two per cent capacity and capable of following command protocols. Verification of authority required.
(Avon and Vila exchange glances.)
VILA: Well. There's your answer.
[Shuttle Cockpit]
(The twins look dazedly at the pair.)
SOOLIN: What's stopped them?
DOCTOR: Obviously a reversal of whatever started them.
SOOLIN: Oh very insightful.
DOCTOR: A Nestene control signal must have been switched on, and then off again. It's like they've been reset.
(The twins seem to snap out of it.)
BOTH: Identify.
DOCTOR: Oh! Hello again. I'm the Doctor, how do you do?
HEART: I am Heart.
DIAMOND: I am Diamond
BOTH: Status at one hundred percent capacity and capable of following command protocols. Verification of authority required.
DOCTOR: Emergency override. Imprint on my brain pattern and disarm.
BOTH: Emergency override accepted. Your authority takes precedence. You are the Doctor. Acknowledged.
(Their hands snap shut and they stand to attention.)
SOOLIN: You've programmed them like a few mutoids.
DOCTOR: No, I think that's what someone else did a long time ago. They aren't just Autons, they're clearly capable of independent thought. They're alive, sentient...
SOOLIN: ...and you just took away their free will.
DOCTOR: (uncomfortably) Temporarily. Just to make sure they don't kill us.
SOOLIN: You think you can make them real girls again?
DOCTOR: I don't see why not.
SOOLIN: Well, I'll believe it when I see it.
[Trade Ship]
(The Doctor and the twins are crossing a gangplank onto the pirate ship with the crew.)
HEART: This is so embarrassing.
DIAMOND: Stupid and embarrassing.
BOTH: Stupid, embarrassing and all your fault.
DOCTOR: I'm glad you're focusing on what's important during a crisis.
(As they cross over, Club turns to the Captain.)
CLUB: What are you transporting in your cargo hold?
CAPTAIN: Does it matter? You wanted to steal it without knowing - and I'll get no sympathy for being raided by pirates. Why does it matter what it is?
CLUB: A good point. But why do you matter if you can't answer a question a superior asks?
(He aims his hand-gun at the Captain's jaw.)
CLUB: Now, I want to know what's in your hold. I can find out myself or you can tell me. Hazard a guess as to which leaves you to see another day.
CAPTAIN: (licks dry lips) Pepper, rum, some silks and spices. Oh, and the biscuits.
CLUB: No gold? No jewels?
CAPTAIN: No! You think gold and jewels are just lying about all these years of warfare? I can't count higher than my fingers and toes and even I know the economy won't be what it was for many a year!
CLUB: And if I change the number of fingers and toes you possess, will your mental arithmetic suffer?
CAPTAIN: (shouts) I'm telling the truth!
CLUB: I know you are, you lily-livered dog. I can hear your heart hammering away in your chest. Too scared to lie.
CAPTAIN: Oh is that a fact?
CLUB: (puzzled) What?
CAPTAIN: You can tell a liar by his heartbeat.
CLUB: Or if they're just unconvincing in their falsehoods. So you're saying your ship is, in truth, not worth our raiding?
CAPTAIN: There's biscuits and water. On the seas, those can be worth more than gold to thirty throats and empty bellows.
CLUB: Not to us. Your food and water is worthless.
CAPTAIN: Worthless? Don't you eat and drink?
CLUB: No. Eat, drink, sleep, dream. Those are the weaknesses of baser flesh. While other pirates fall to the authorities, we sail on, unstoppable.
(Club wanders over and sees the TARDIS amongst the crate.)
CLUB: What's this?
CAPTAIN: That crate? The sawbones and his twins brought it aboard. Somehow. Don't me how. I should have chucked it over the side, instead of letting it weigh us down. We might have been able to outrun you...
(Club examines the TARDIS, curious.)
CLUB: What's inside it?
CAPTAIN: No idea. I think it's empty.
CLUB: It says "telephone" above the door.
CAPTAIN: What's that mean?
CLUB: It means to send noise over distance.
CAPTAIN: Like shouting?
CLUB: (thoughtful) Communication...
(Club tries the door. It's locked. He tries again, using all his strength. He bashes the hilt of his sword against the glass but nothing happens. The Captain, and the pirates and crew aboard start to drift closer, watching as Club jams his cutlass into the gap in the doorframe and tries to prize the door open. The metal of the cutlass bends. Club stands back and fires several shots from his wrist-gun at the door. Orange smoke but no damage.)
CAPTAIN: By the holy father, it's indestructible.
CLUB: (closes hand) And why make a box indestructible unless it contains the ultimate treasure?
CAPTAIN: A treasure chest, maybe, but it could be empty.
CLUB: Even so, we're taking it onto our ship as booty.
CAPTAIN: What? Why?
CLUB: I can't break it. Would you rather I focus on things I can break - like your bones?
(Beat.)
CAPTAIN: (smiles) Please, take it with my compliments.
[Pirate Ship]
(The Doctor and the twins stand with a few crewmen aboard the Festering Buccaneer, under guard. The pirates are hauling the TARDIS aboard.)
DOCTOR: Well, at least they're bringing it with us.
HEART: Club can't know what it was. He never even saw it on the Penance.
DIAMOND: He doesn't recognize us, either. And how could he have ended up here, on Earth, hundreds of thousand years in the past?
DOCTOR: There any number of explanations. Maybe he's a different Nestene duplicate with the same face mould, maybe he was already a very old Auton when Dealer found him, maybe some passing time traveler dropped him off in 17th Century Spain.
DIAMOND: Like who? Vise?
(The Doctor looks troubled.)
DOCTOR: No. Not him. Definitely not him.
(The Doctor looks away, flinching slightly as he sees someone hanging from a noose.)
DOCTOR: Oh dear.
(The pirate hanging from the noose lifts his head, clearly alive and in no distress.)
PIRATE: (calls) Welcome aboard the Festering Buccaneer. You're joining the crew, are you?
HEART: Um. Yes.
DIAMOND: Or possibly hostages.
PIRATE: That makes good sense, me harties.
DOCTOR: Er, are you all right up there?
PIRATE: Oh, there's no point complaining. They'll let me down if they needs help with the cargo.
(The Doctor turns to the First Mate.)
DOCTOR: Excuse me, did you hang that chap up there?
(The Auton First Mate speaks in a monotone, not robotic but just very bored.)
FIRST MATE: Arr. We hung him from the highest yardarm.
DOCTOR: But he's one of you, isn't he?
FIRST MATE: There is brutal discipline upon the Festering Buccaneer, matey.
DIAMOND: But he's still alive? You can't hang an Auton, they don't need air or have a spinal cord to break!
FIRST MATE: Yes. We'll let him down tomorrow.
DOCTOR: So he's paid his debt to pirate society then?
FIRST MATE: Yes. We've already keelhauled him and made him walk the plank.
HEART: What did he do?
FIRST MATE: Cut off my legs.
(Beat. Everyone looks at the mate's intact legs.)
DOCTOR: Really?
FIRST MATE: Yes. Both of them.
DOCTOR: You seem better. Reattached them, I suppose.
FIRST MATE: Of course.
DOCTOR: I suppose a ship full of indestructible immortals must find it hard to be frightened of anything.
DIAMOND: It's amazing you bother to stay on the one ship.
FIRST MATE: We are pirates. This is a pirate ship.
DOCTOR: But what drove you to piracy? You don't need any of the comforts that treasure will buy you. You can't be killed, you'll outlive the great-great-grand-children of your enemies. Why do this?
FIRST MATE: (impatient) We are pirates. This is the Golden Age of Piracy. Are you simple in the head or something, matey? They said you was a sawbones?
DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor.
FIRST MATE: Aye, a sawbones. And not a good one.
(The pirates have placed the TARDIS in the middle of the deck. Club turns to address them.)
CLUB: Prepare the burning brands. Torch the ship.
CAPTAIN: What? Why!
CLUB: We are pirates. It is traditional to torch enemy ships and ensure we leave no witnesses.
CAPTAIN: You're not leaving witnesses, we're coming with you!
CLUB: Yes. But it is still traditional. Pirates must maintain their reputation.
CAPTAIN: But if no one knows you raided us, then how can that help your reputation?
DOCTOR: Yes, the Captain's right. Besides, burning brands aren't cheap. You might need them to torch a proper enemy ship after all.
(Beat.)
CLUB: Very well. Prepare to set sail,
(The pirates move out, losing interest.)
CAPTAIN: (sotto) They were very easy to persuade.
DOCTOR: (sotto) Well, these aren't like most pirates. They're not drunk, they don't suffer from hunger, thirst, heatstroke or bloodlust. And it seems they're not interested in wealth, glory, infamy or foreign lands either.
CAPTAIN: If they don't need to steal cargoes, if they're not after excitement on the high seas... why be pirates?
DOCTOR: I haven't the faintest idea.
CAPTAIN: Let's just be glad they didn't slit our throats before we could plead for mercy.
CLUB [OC]: Yes. But the day isn't over yet.
(They whirl around to see Club is watching them from the stairs.)
CAPTAIN: Yes, you mentioned your good hearing.
CLUB: All the better to listen to the screams of the damned and the cries of the innocent.
DOCTOR: Yes, speaking of brutal and sadistic slaughter, I'm not sure we're interested in being your crew.
(He nods to the pirate hanging from a noose.)
PIRATE: (puzzled) You're not? Why?
DOCTOR: Anyone care to take a guess?
CLUB: Yes. Some have joined our crew, scoundrels and brigands and ne'er-do-wells, yet they break so easily. It was a while before we realized you can't reconnect your limbs like us.
(The Doctor nods to an old desiccated corpse in the corner.)
DOCTOR: How long did it take for you to realize he wasn't just sulking?
CLUB: A while. It was a relief he stopped demanding food and water. He didn't talk about anything else.
DOCTOR: Well, not everyone is as chatty as an Auton.
CLUB: A what?
DOCTOR: Auton? Nestene duplicate? Plastic facsimile?
(Club looks between them and the other pirates.)
CLUB: What are you talking about, sawbones?
DOCTOR: Obviously your sisters aren't the only thing you've forgotten about.
CLUB: Sisters? I have no sisters, sawbones.
(He advances on the Doctor.)
CLUB: What I do have is your red box marked "telephone", a container the like of which we've not seen in many a year of misdeeds. We can't open it, but you, apparently can.
(Club raises a flintlock. Other pirates raise knives and swords, moving to circle the Doctor.)
DOCTOR: You're making assumptions. Wild and unproven assumptions!
CAPTAIN: He can tell when you're lying, sawbones!
DOCTOR: Can you? Is my heart beating fast? Or slow? Or both? I've got two to choose from.
CAPTAIN: You do? By the saints, I'm learning a lot about hearts today.
CLUB: Two hearts... a strange rhythm. (calls) Set sail for the west by north by north west! Once we're on the horizon away from that trade ship, we can discuss this at our leisure. (grins) With the Midget Saw.
[Pirate Ship]
(The Festering Buccaneer is sailing away, the trade ship almost lost in the distance. The Doctor and the Captain are with the twins and the other prisoners as the pirates sail the ship.)
DOCTOR: So, just to summarize, either we let him into the TARDIS or he does something very piratical with something called a Midget Saw.
CAPTAIN: That's what he said.
HEART: The Midget Saw? What's that?
CAPTAIN: Well, er, it's a saw that reduces your height.
DIAMOND: Oh. You mean like what he did to the First Mate?
(She indicates the hanged pirate, who waves back. The First Mate wanders over.)
FIRST MATE: Yes. It's quite inconveniencing, especially when he threw my legs overboard for the sharks. Fortunately, they aren't interested in chewing plastic and since our limbs float I was able to reclaim them and reattach them.
HEART: Good. Dumping plastic in the ocean is environmentally-irresponsible.
FIRST MATE: I suppose so. That's why our glorious pirate king decided that from now on, only humans should have their legs cut off. It's eco-friendly.
DIAMOND: (shrugs) Well, there's no arguing with that.
DOCTOR: I might argue with that! I'm one of the minority groups on this boat who isn't made of plastic!
CAPTAIN: Maybe you should just let him into your precious red box. Is it worth more than our legs?
DOCTOR: Possibly. Remember, there's no food or water on this ship, so our odds of survival are low already.
FIRST MATE: Oh don't you start. He's just as bad.
(The First Mate nods to the desiccated corpse.)
FIRST MATE: (pointedly) Mind you, at least he eventually stopped whining!
CAPTAIN: He's dead. You let him starve to death.
FIRST MATE: (confused) We did? Well, if he was so upset, why'd he stop complaining then?
CAPTAIN: Because he was dead!
DOCTOR: Oh don't waste your breath. These pirates aren't human, they're animated slabs of plastic with delusion of sentience. Understand?
(Beat.)
CAPTAIN: I'm going to lie and say "yes".
[Penance Flight Deck]
(Club, wearing goggles, is welding some burnt-out circuits in the wall. Spade, now with his right sleeve pinned up, is working with Heart and Diamond to repair some damage. Vila is bandaging Korell's hip. Serge's shoulder is in a cast. Avon watches the Doctor as he makes adjustment to the crate.)
AVON: And you say these Nestenes are a form of sentient energy?
DOCTOR: Yes. They have no individual identity, they're a collective intelligence. The Nestene Consciousness. They create physical forms for themselves out of any time of plastic, individually tailored for survival and conquest.
AVON: These Autons?
DOCTOR: The same principle, but no. The Autons are foot-soldiers, functionaries with single offensive functionaries. Some are more sophisticated, perfect duplicates of individuals down to the reproduction of brain cells.
(Heart, Diamond and Spade exchange looks at that.)
KORELL: To impersonate and infiltrate enemy territory. Like the aliens in the Intergalactic War?
DOCTOR: Like them, yes. The Chameleons copied the idea like they copy so many things. Still, if it's a good plan, why not use it? But even superior duplicates like this are supposed to subordinate to the Nestenes, not thinking for themselves.
AVON: So what happened?
DOCTOR: No idea. That man, Dealer, might know. I can only think at some point the Nestenes were trying an invasion that was repelled leaving the quartet of Autons here and the energy unit. They sealed off the unit, blocking out almost all the Nestene energy, just enough to keep them animate.
DIAMOND: And we forgot who we were?
DOCTOR: Yes. But with this energy unit constantly screaming at the box, you heard enough of the call that you felt you needed to take orders and do something.
HEART: And Dealer decided to take use of it.
DOCTOR: Yes, or maybe someone before him. There's no telling how long you four have been slaves.
VILA: Isn't there anything you can do, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Yes. This container is still allowing the sphere generating the "obey me" signal. I've just given it something else to broadcast instead, some history discs I had to hand.
VILA: How will that help?
DOCTOR: They're no longer under orders to obey. They're free. Though I'd recommend taking this sphere and dumping it somewhere.
SERGE: Like the heart of a sun.
DOCTOR: That'd be murder. Hasn't there been enough death today, with your friend the captain?
AVON: He wasn't a friend.
VILA: And he wasn't the first to die.
(Club finishes with the circuits and steps over to the crate. The rest of the Quartet exchange looks.)
DIAMOND: Club will take the sphere, get it as far away from us as he can. There's no point him staying with us, he can never pass as a convincing human.
AVON: And you have already set the bar so low.
[Pirate Ship]
(Club approaches the Doctor, flexing a bow-saw.)
CLUB: Well, sawbones, I have the saw. You have the bones.
DOCTOR: Oh put that away, Club. You look ridiculous. You're all utterly absurd - an Auton taskforce pretending to be the cast of Treasure Island...
FIRST MATE: (interested) You know of treasure?
(The hanged pirate looks excited.)
PIRATE: (calls) Did he say treasure?
FIRST MATE: (calls) Aye, me harty, he did!
PIRATE: (calls) Thought so! (to Club) Me and the crew do like where this conversation is heading.
CLUB: So, Doctor, where is the treasure?
DOCTOR: Look, there's clearly been a misunderstanding...
DIAMOND: (mutters) Oooh, I love your confidence.
DOCTOR: I was talking about a book! A book called Treasure Island, not an actually chest of gold and jewels...
CLUB: Like the red chest we can't break through?
DOCTOR: (firmly) There's nothing in there for you, Club. Or your plastic pirate pals.
CLUB: Then open it and show us.
DOCTOR: No.
CLUB: So you are useless as anything but entertainment. Let's see you dance on stumps to an old sea shanty, shall we?
(The Doctor addresses the other Autons.)
DOCTOR: And the rest of you are okay with this?
FIRST MATE: (shrugs) Nights on the high sea can be surprisingly long and dull. A bit of dismemberment and mutilation livens things up a bit.
DOCTOR: Until I die of blood loss and shock.
CLUB: Quite a novelty on the Festering Buccaneer.
DOCTOR: (to twins) Why aren't you two doing something?
DIAMOND: I thought we weren't your bodyguards?
DOCTOR: Are we going to argue about that now?
HEART: What are we supposed to? They're all Autons, like us. We're equally-matched.
DIAMOND: We might have been able to use our wrist-guns to cause a distraction but someone went and told us to remove all our armaments, didn't they?
DOCTOR: Again! Time and a place!
DIAMOND: You're the one who keeps saying you can look after yourself, aren't you?
DOCTOR: (sotto) So I am. Adrenaline, do your thing.
(He holds up his hands and shouts.)
DOCTOR: Wait! I surrender! I'll open the box!
CLUB: Very wise.
CAPTAIN: Does that mean you're not going to cut anyone's limbs off?
CLUB: Whatever gave you that impression?
FIRST MATE: (embarrassed) We have all sort of got our hopes up.
DOCTOR: You don't know what's inside the box, that might be far more entertaining!
PIRATE: (calls) He's got a point.
FIRST MATE: Oh, you're against the Midget Saw now, are you? You've changed your tune!
PIRATE: (calls) You get a sense of perspective up here, you know. You should try it.
FIRST MATE: (thoughtful) Arr. I might just do that.
DOCTOR: Look, before we go any further, can I just ask a question?
CLUB: What?
DOCTOR: Well, hypothetically, let's just say my box is full of treasure, what are you going to do with it?
CLUB: Whatever we want. We're pirates.
DOCTOR: But what good is it to you? What do you need it for?
CLUB: We are pirates.
DOCTOR: (rolls eyes) You like saying that. But where are you going to put it? You don't have any room in your hold.
(Club looks slightly unsettled.)
CLUB: (quietly) How do you know that?
DOCTOR: Because you put my phone box in the middle of the deck instead of stowing under the deck. Why do that unless you had no room? So either you're stocked to the gills with treasure already - which is unlikely because proper pirates would have buried it on a proper desert island by now - or it's something else. Which?
CLUB: There are insufficient words to describe what is there.
DOCTOR: Let me guess. Less cargo, more a passenger?
CLUB: It is a beast from the deep. Ancient. A monster from a time before the dawn of time. It glows with a crimson fire.
DOCTOR: Something sitting down there in a sort of pit of primordial ooze, perhaps?
CAPTAIN: How do you even know this?
DOCTOR: Last time I saw Club, he was off on his own with a Nestene energy unit. Now I see him with a pirate ship and a crew of Autons. He must have found somewhere with a rich supply of plastic, maybe another planet, maybe the oil fields of this one. Enough plastic for a crew. And enough left over that energy unit.
HEART: (eyes widen) You mean...?
DOCTOR: Yes. The Festering Buccaneer has a Nestene squatting below decks. Shall we pop down and say hello?
[Pirate Ship Hold]
(Below decks are lit by a slow pulse of blood-red light and the warble of an energy unit, so deep and loud it is like a giant heart beating. A door creaks open and the Doctor and Club stand, illuminated by the glow. Club is wary, the Doctor looks fascinated.)
DOCTOR: As I said. The energy unit used your raw plastic to grow your crew, then gathered up the rest for itself to create a body for itself. This body.
(Sitting in a vast coracle-like tub is a purple, bladder-shaped creature with long tentacles that twitch feebly. It has a single glowing eye and gurgles evilly.)
CLUB: We can hear it. My crew and I. Sometimes we can almost understand it. A leviathan that wants to slaughter the world.
DOCTOR: That's Nestenes for you. Very goal-oriented.
CLUB: But it's done nothing. It just sits here.
DOCTOR: Of course it does. Its created a body but its mind was incomplete. When you're missing ninety-nine per cent of your brain, you're not likely to much except sit on the couch and dribble.
CLUB: I can't understand this. I try, but...
DOCTOR: You know the story of the genie in the bottle?
CLUB: Yes.
DOCTOR: Well, you're looking at the genie once it's free. Or rather, the tiniest bit of the genie. The Nestene splits itself up into a hundred tiny splinters, puts them in bottles and sends them somewhere. Collect all the bottles, open them up and the splinters recombine into the Nestene.
CLUB: But not this time.
DOCTOR: No. You had one bottle with a hundredth of the genie. It was a spark of life enough to animate you and your crew, but not much else. It's not meant to exist solo.
CLUB: Yet it did. It does.
DOCTOR: Yes, and it's an unnatural state of agony. It grew this body out of instinct, but it lacks any of the mental control to do anything with it. It's too simple, too weak. Something older than mankind and it couldn't outwit yoghurt. The poor thing.
CLUB: (unconvinced) Poor thing? Do you really believe that?
DOCTOR: The Nestenes and I have never seen eye to eye. Even on the occasions they had eyes. They're unrepentant, hyper-aggressive imperialist mass-murderers with a superiority complex and a fetish for planetary genocide.
CLUB: So why feel sorry for one of their number?
DOCTOR: Because I want the Nestenes to be better than they are, not suffer in helpless pain.
CLUB: Because you feel you are better than they are?
DOCTOR: I think we all agree I'm better than this one. I can tie my shoelaces, for a start. I understand what shoelaces are.
CLUB: So you want to help it?
DOCTOR: Yes, but I'm not sure I can. This is a world without plastics, without electricity. No other Nestenes are coming any time soon, there's no way to relieve its agony except...
CLUB: Except killing it.
DOCTOR: Yes. (to Nestene) Of course, what does death mean to you? What does life mean to you? Just helplessness, confusion and pain. Killing you, unraveling you, won't hurt the rest of the Nestene Consciousness, any more than losing a few brain cells in a hangover hurts a human mind.
CLUB: It seems very simple, in terms of morality.
DOCTOR: And when morality becomes very simple, Club, I get very suspicious.
[Pirate Ship]
(Sunset. The Doctor and the twins are on the poop deck, talking.)
HEART: You said yourself, the thing's in pain. Wouldn't it be merciful to end its suffering?
DIAMOND: They do with animals. With people, even.
DOCTOR: Yes, I understand the concept of euthanasia.
DIAMOND: (rolls eyes) Yes, go on, you clearly know what you're talking about. You want to keep a barely-sentient creature alive in a permanent state of helpless agony, so you don't lose the moral high ground. You were happy enough to destroy the time parasite though, weren't you?
DOCTOR: Did I come across as happy to you, Diamond?
DIAMOND: All right, not happy. It was a question of survival. If you'd been so desperate to keep your hands clean, you'd have let it slaughter us.
HEART: Yes, and this Nestene isn't even an individual. It's a stray thought waiting to be shut down.
DIAMOND: Eager to be shut down.
DOCTOR: (bitterly) Oh yes, all the excuse I need to end a life.
HEART: Whereas I can't see you coming up with any excuses not to, Doctor.
DIAMOND: You've killed Nestenes before.
DOCTOR: In self-defense. To save others.
HEART: So it's all right to kill Nestenes if they want to live, but not if they want to die?
DOCTOR: You don't understand what you're talking about. Any of you. You girls won't grow old and die, you won't even look different unless your moulded bodies alter. You can't feel pain. You're like these pirates, killing without understanding what they're doing.
(They look down on the deck as the First Mate helps the pirate out of the noose and then starts to hang himself in return.)
DOCTOR: And there's also the question of what happens to this lot if the Nestene dies.
HEART: What? They'd die too?
DOCTOR: They'd cease to exist.
DIAMOND: But they're separate, aren't they? I mean, we're Autons, killing that thing won't kill us.
DOCTOR: You're independent of that energy sphere, you've lived away long enough to detach completely. These Autons have never been away from that Nestene, the animation signal it generates has been recycled so often it's like a thread waiting to snap.
HEART: So if you kill the Nestene...
DOCTOR: I kill your brother and all his crew. Still, as long as I've got a good excuse.
(Beat.)
DIAMOND: There must be another way.
DOCTOR: Oh, if only that had occurred to me. Then I could have gone up onto the poop deck with my friends to discuss it and...
HEART: Wait a minute. What did you say? Poop deck?
DOCTOR: Yes. That's what this bit of the ship's called.
HEART: Why?
DIAMOND: And do we need to wash immediately?
DOCTOR: (rolls eyes) It's based on the Latin word, Puppis. It just means the deck on the stern. The toilet facilities are under the waterline, not that you Autons need to answer the call of nature that much.
(The Doctor rises and walks off. Club approaches. The twins call over to him.)
DIAMOND: Oi. Club.
CLUB: What did you call me?
HEART: Club. It's your name, remember?
CLUB: I have no name.
HEART: Well, it's what we called you. Come on, you know who we are, don't you?
(Club steps closer.)
CLUB: You... are like us. Like me. But no, I don't remember you.
HEART: It's us! Heart and Diamond! Your sisters? Remember? That headcase Dealer named us after playing cards, you, me, Diamond and Spade? The Quartet?
(Club stares at her.)
DIAMOND: And after we wasted a surprise farewell part on you?
HEART: (sotto) Uh, we didn't actually do that.
DIAMOND: (sotto) He doesn't know that. (louder) We agreed to keep in touch?
CLUB: No.
DIAMOND: What do you remember then?
(Club stares at them, troubled, then moves onwards.)
HEART: (sighs) Maybe we should have had a surprised farewell party instead of wandering off like that.
[Penance Flight Deck]
HEART: So what happens to the rest of us?
DOCTOR: Well, you've got the Penance and its cargo hold full of gold bullion. The Federation seemed to have settled down so you can make a run for it now. Club can take that shuttle of yours and run interference.
SPADE: They won't register him as life aboard the ship. He'll have a better chance than we will.
DIAMOND: That depends on where we're going.
VILA: Well, I spoke to the lady gunfighter. She's agreed we can't risk going back for the others. Either they've survived or they haven't, and they all made a big deal about wanting to go down fighting.
SERGE: Unlike you?
VILA: I don't want to go down at all.
KORELL: And thanks to a certain misunderstanding back on Gauda Prime, the resistance movement has lost its figurehead to lead any uprising in the inner worlds.
SERGE: So we run.
VILA: What about the motorized door-wedge we left hidden in the silo?
AVON: With no weapons or teleport, I can't see a feasible way of retrieving it. Or salvaging any of the technology of Scorpio. On the other hand, we might have found a replacement.
(Spade realizes he's been looked at.)
SPADE: Me?
AVON: Your Nestene powers allow you to interface with the plastic that forms the Tarial Cell, the core component of all Federation computer technology. You can, in principle, dig into any database in the known universe.
SPADE: In principle, yes, but in practice...
AVON: It's something we have means, motive and opportunity to explore and build on. Eventually, we might be able to reclaim our original computer and find out if there are any other survivors.
HEART: Eventually, but what happens in the meantime?
AVON: Indestructible plastic androids on their own have more obvious uses.
DIAMOND: We were just freed, now you want us to be your slaves?
AVON: Merely that we stand a better chance as a group, and utilizing all our skills increases a chance of survival.
VILA: I thought survival wasn't enough anymore. You said winning was the only safety. Before you killed the one man you risked all our lives to find.
AVON: Yes, and no we have no allies, no ships, no chance of winning or even fighting the Federation.
KORELL: Not alone. But the what about all the rest of rebels meeting up on Goma?
VILA: That was another thing our pretty friend was insistent upon. There's still a Federation that needs destroying, figurehead or no figurehead.
AVON: More rebels without a care. Am I supposed to be grateful for another chance to join the fight?
VILA: Oh, I'd never dream of asking you to fight. But you know who would have. And if we don't salvage what's left of his work, who will?
KORELL: And we do have these Autons to help the cause of freedom, and that Doctor.
(She turns and looks. No sign of him.)
KORELL: Where's he gone?
(Heart and Diamond step forward.)
BOTH: We'll find him.
(They leave.)
AVON: You don't even know who if anyone is now in charge.
VILA: Better the devil I don't know. Look, I don't owe you anything. You tried to kill me once, in case you've forgotten - and you've threatened it more than once. A man can only take so much and whoever's leading the resistance, they can't be worse than you!
(Avon avoid Vila's gaze with a very rare expression of shame.)
[Pirate Ship]
(The Doctor is brooding. The Captain is beside him, trying to keep up with events.)
CAPTAIN: So, there is some giant terror-squid in the hold and it wants you to kill it.
DOCTOR: Mmm-hmm. But it will kill all the pirates too.
CAPTAIN: Put them out of their misery. They're all out of their minds. You know, one of them said he was going to keelhaul me and when I said no, he just asked to sing a sea shanty! And, you know, I told them to control themselves around your girls, but they just wanted to play cards with them! Pirates who kidnap women but have no desire for them? This life is nothing to them.
DOCTOR: And so I should take it away from them?
CAPTAIN: They're not losing anything. They don't want riches or freedom or excitement. They're like a ship of the damned, doomed to do this for no reason. You know this Club, why would he ever want to be a pirate?
DOCTOR: I don't know. Of course, the last time I met him...
(The Doctor stops. His expression brightens.)
DOCTOR: Of course. That's what happened.
[TARDIS Control Room]
(The doors open and the Doctor, Heart and Diamond enter. The Doctor runs over to the console and starts flipping switches.)
DOCTOR: Remember when I reinforced that security case the Nestene energy unit was in?
HEART: Yes. You used some history discs to create a filter, corrupting the command signal so we'd all have free will.
DOCTOR: And this was the disc.
(He throws it at Diamond who catches it.)
DIAMOND: (reads) "The Golden Age of Piracy: Post-Spanish Succession Period".
DOCTOR: Hence Auton Pirates.
HEART: What do you mean? I've never had a single thought about piracy.
DOCTOR: Because you came with me, remember? You didn't take that case with you on a lone pilgrimage with that filter blasting at you every second of every hour of every day. Eventually, Club would have forgotten all about you and the Quartet, but with the history of piracy filling his thoughts...
DIAMOND: He ended up thinking this was where he belonged. And when he made the other Autons...
HEART: ...they all thought they were pirates too. Even though they don't want to be.
DOCTOR: That was the problem which means it's part of the solution.
DIAMOND: Oh, very good. I give it a B, maybe a B-plus. Oh, why give it a grade?
HEART: So what is the solution?
[Pirate Ship]
(The TARDIS crew, the Auton pirates and the trade ship crew are gathered by the TARDIS. The Doctor holds a tray-like machine gizmo like the one from 'Spearhead from Space' with various add-ons.)
DOCTOR: You see, Club, you and your crew have freedom because I created a barrier between you Autons and the Nestene, that imprint that's made you pirates. With this, I can reinforce that barrier, make the imprint deeper and stronger.
CLUB: Until the beast in the hold dies?
(The Doctor's enthusiasm ebbs.)
DOCTOR: Yes. But it means that you and your crew will all live. And I mean live, not just exist.
CAPTAIN: You mean they'll become men?
DOCTOR: In their minds and hearts, yes. My ship's picked up enough echoes of its passengers over the years I can add them to the imprints. Pirates who want to be pirates, who care about life and death, who actually have a reason to dredge the ocean blue.
CAPTAIN: Wait, you mean they'll be real pirates but they'll also be deathless and unstoppable?
(Beat.)
DOCTOR: Well, it's better than killing them all, won't it?
CAPTAIN: What about all the people they'll kill?
DOCTOR: The imprints won't make them forget what's happened here.
CAPTAIN: I say you should return us all to our ship before you do this. That way we won't all be made to walk the plank when they all are made 'real'!
DOCTOR: Well, that's not unreasonable, is it?
CLUB: You're worried about trusting us, but why should we trust you? How do we know this machine of yours won't harm us?
DOCTOR: Your sisters will vouch for me.
PIRATE: But who will vouch for them?
(The First Mate calls down from his noose.)
FIRST MATE: (calls) Yes! This all sounds very risky to me!
DOCTOR: The whole point is you don't care if you live or die. You've literally nothing to lose and everything to gain.
(Club turns to the twins.)
CLUB: Why do you trust him?
DIAMOND: We took a chance.
HEART: He's not let us down yet.
[Penance Corridor]
(The Doctor reaches an air vent and opens it. He grins as the hum of the TARDIS emerges.)
DOCTOR: Of course. It's always in the last place you look. Mind you, it would. Who keeps looking after you find it, anyway?
(He tries to climb up into the shaft but can't get a purchase. Heart stands beside him, making a stirrup with her hands.)
DOCTOR: Ah, thank you.
(He realizes the twins are beside him.)
HEART: Just why are you trying to climb into the ventilation system?
DOCTOR: Well, believe it or not, this particular air duct is actually my ship. How I got on board.
DIAMOND: Your ship appeared inside the wall of this freighter with no physical disturbance?
DOCTOR: Clever, isn't it? It's able to pass through solid matter while in flight, materializing at the end of it. You won't even notice when I leave.
HEART: Leave for where, exactly?
DOCTOR: (shrugs) Anywhere.
DIAMOND: Isn't it rather small?
DOCTOR: (grins) You'd be surprised.
[TARDIS Control Room]
(The doors open and the Doctor climbs up onto the doorway then straightens up. He helps Heart and then Diamond enter and they look around in awe.)
DOCTOR: Don't worry, that's the usual reaction. As you can see, the inside is bigger than the outside. Quite the selling point. (to himself) Not that I actually paid for it, but still...
DIAMOND: There's only one control panel.
HEART: Yes, this is very Spartan given you have all this space to work with.
DOCTOR: Well, the technology is advanced enough I don't need any computer banks or warp cores. One central control desk is all that's needed.
(He pats the console affectionately.)
DOCTOR: With this I can go anywhere and anywhen. No flight plans, passports, custom or duty free.
DIAMOND: What weapons does it have?
DOCTOR: (insulted) None! The best vessels don't need them. Why do you want to know, anyway?
DIAMOND: We need to know what armaments are available to defend you.
DOCTOR: ...beg your pardon?
BOTH: We are your bodyguards.
DOCTOR: (firmly) No. No, you're not. That was just a brief distraction to prevent you from slaughtering everyone. I'm no longer in charge of either of you, you have your own free will.
HEART: Then, with our free, we want to come with you.
DIAMOND: As your bodyguards.
DOCTOR: I don't need bodyguards, I'm quite capable of looking after myself.
HEART: You would have been dead if they hadn't resealed the Nestene sphere. It was pure luck you weren't killed. And luck doesn't last forever. We can keep you safe.
DOCTOR: My dear girls, I have lived a millennia and change without needing your assistance.
DIAMOND: Then that means we'll have plenty of spare time to work out what else we can do with our lives.
HEART: And if you do need protecting, we'll be able to do what we do best.
DOCTOR: But why do you want to travel with me?
HEART: Why would we want to stay in a war-torn galaxy ruled by a decaying fascist dictatorship?
DIAMOND: With a bunch of killers, thieves, smugglers and psychopaths who want to use us for their rebellion?
HEART: Would you use us like that?
DOCTOR: No! Of course not. But, well, it can be dangerous, though. Monsters in history, aliens in the future...
HEART: All the more reason you need someone to look after you.
DIAMOND: And when you prove you can cope on your own, we'll reconsider.
DOCTOR: All right. But if you want to travel, then you're not to hurt anyone. Not with your guns or your psychokinetic powers.
BOTH: What if it's to save your life?
DOCTOR: Then I'll be alive to send the both of you back here, and you'll never get a chance to see the marvelous wonders of the universe again.
(The twins exchange looks.)
BOTH: We won't.
DOCTOR: Is that just because you're programmed to obey my orders or are you genuinely making a promise?
BOTH: There's only one way to find out.
DOCTOR: I suppose so.
(The Doctor closes the doors and sets controls.)
DOCTOR: I suppose there's no point going on adventures without someone to have them with. Welcome aboard, Heart and Diamond.
HEART: Where are we going now?
DOCTOR: Well, as space-time machines go, this is a rather temperamental one. I really need to recalibrate these systems. Invariably the last place we end up is where I ask it go. Shall I demonstrate?
(They nod. The Doctor reaches for the main lever, then stops and frowns.)
DOCTOR: Oh yes. I forgot about the chameleon circuit. It's what allows the ship to pick a form that blends in with its surroundings.
HEART: Like an air duct?
DOCTOR: Yes. It's been stuck for centuries but now it's working again I wish it was broken again.
DIAMOND: Oh I can fix that.
DOCTOR: (surprised) Can you?
(Diamond nods brightly and then swings her fist down on the console and there is an explosion.)
[Penance Corridor]
(There is a loud grind whirring from the air duct which changes into a bright red British telephone box with tinted windows. The front door opens and the Doctor steps out, followed by the twins and a cloud of smoke.)
DOCTOR: (cough) I've heard of percussive maintenance...
DIAMOND: Isn't this a better shape?
HEART: Yes, it's more distinctive and practical.
DOCTOR: (annoyed) Yes, it's also old-fashioned, eccentric and utterly incongruous! (smiles) Yes, it's very me. Not a police box, but it was time for something new. Come on.
DIAMOND: You know, you still haven't told us who you are.
DOCTOR: Haven't I? Well, I'm the Doctor.
(Beat. The Doctor looks thoughtful, then shrugs.)
DOCTOR: That's all there is to it.
(They re-enter the TARDIS and it dematerializes.)
[Pirate Ship]
(It's dusk. The trade ship is visible in the distance. Club and the First Mate, who wears a noose around his neck, are on the poop deck with the Captain.)
CLUB: There she is. Move intercept, Mr. Mate.
FIRST MATE: Aye-aye, Captain.
CAPTAIN: Thank goodness you didn't torch it.
CLUB: I make no promises for tomorrow, sir. And neither should you. Your crew won't get any special treatment should be meet again.
CAPTAIN: It's not fair. You lot have all the advantages.
CLUB: You're forewarned, if not forearmed. Maybe you should take up a less-dangerous profession.
(Club walks down to the main deck to the TARDIS crew.)
CLUB: Get started, Doctor.
DIAMOND: You're in a hurry.
CLUB: I'm sick of that thing's screams. You're lucky you can't hear them.
HEART: Luck of the cards.
DOCTOR: Was that meant to be funny?
HEART: (guiltily) Maybe.
DOCTOR: You two really have grown a lot. Stay here.
(He heads below the deck.)
[Pirate Ship Hold]
(The Doctor approaches the pulsing Nestene, lowers the device to the floor and winds out the microphone-device.)
DOCTOR: You know, I don't normally do this sort of thing. But how long have you been stuck on this planet, barely able to survive without any polymers or complex hydrocarbons? Twenty years? Fifty?
(The creature stares blindly at him with its single brown-purple eyeball.)
DOCTOR: It must be like being stuck in the middle of an empty, endless desert. An expanse of awful, horrifying nothing for all eternity. Are you even aware of your Autons? Even if you can feel them, there's no control over them. You have no say at what your eyes look at, what card games your hands play, whether or not you roll around in the mud to keep cool... Maybe this is cruel to be kind. Or kind to be cruel. (wistful) I always thought that we'd all be friends or at least we'd try to make amends, it seemed so easy to comprehend, but something just gets in the way. Hold on, what can it be? Is it more the naivete? Can't we live past yesterday? Something just gets in the way.
(He activates the machine and aims it at the Nestene. It begins to twitch and thrash, the Nestene pulse becoming a constant, continual drone.)
[Pirate Ship]
(Club and his crew all look around, as if hearing the noise. Their faces are suddenly Auton masks.)
[Pirate Ship Hold]
(The Nestene's tentacles thrash and writhe in clear agony. The Doctor remains aiming the microphone at the creature, expression blank.)
[Pirate Ship]
(The twins and the trade ship crew watch as the Auton pirates twitch and stagger.)
[Pirate Ship Hold]
(The tentacles go limp, its eye goes dark and closes. The creatures turns a dead grey colour and deflates, the glow dying away and leaving the hold in darkness. The warbling slows down, slurring into final silence.)
DOCTOR: (bitterly) Well, Doctor, another productive day's work. You destroyed a single percentage of the Nestene Consciousness, a helpless and harmless one hundredth of a larger creature. Maybe tomorrow you can kill people. Maybe people who deserve it. Maybe people who don't want it. Start small with a plastic blob, work your way up to innocent children. There must be some appeal to this slippery slope given so many people choose to slide down it.
(He turns off the machine, picks it up and leaves.)
[Pirate Ship]
(The Doctor emerges onto deck and stops to see all the Auton pirates lying dead, mannequins sprawled across the ship. The Captain and the humans are coughing at a stench. The twins are unaffected.)
CAPTAIN: (retches) That smell...
DIAMOND: Burnt rubber.
DOCTOR: (shocked) What happened?
CAPTAIN: The Festering Buccaneer lost its crew. They just all collapsed dead.
DOCTOR: But the imprint should have taken hold!
HEART: It didn't. When the Nestene died, they died too. Their energy must have been spread much thinner than we thought.
CAPTAIN: You may not have meant to, sawbones, but it looks like you killed them after all.
DOCTOR: 'Killed' is a strong word. But fair.
(They cross over to the fallen Auton that used to be Club. Beat.)
DOCTOR: I was sure the telepathic relays would hold.
DIAMOND: You were wrong.
DOCTOR: Oh thank you, that's incredibly helpful.
DIAMOND: You wanted to state the obvious. You wanted to help them, you failed. Now what happens next?
(Beat.)
DOCTOR: We leave. (to Captain) I assume you can reclaim your own ship easily enough?
CAPTAIN: Aye, sawbones. We can. I suppose we owe you our lives. And we might get some prize money for this pirate ship.
DOCTOR: (sourly) Oh well, as long as someone profits.
CAPTAIN: You want us to be poor and miserable? Why begrudge us happiness?
DOCTOR: Why indeed?
(He turns and crosses to the TARDIS, opens the door and enters. The twins look at the Captain and shrug. An awkward wave and they cross to the TARDIS. Heart looks back at Club's body.)
HEART: Funny. He's more like the Club we knew now.
DIAMOND: Strong silent type. Just more horizontal. Come on, we've got the Doctor to look after.
HEART: (quiet) He says he can cope without us.
DIAMOND: It wouldn't be the first thing he's wrong about today. Come on.
(They enter the TARDIS.)
[TARDIS Control Room]
(The Doctor is brooding over the console. The twins enter. Heart closes the doors. A beat.)
HEART: Are you all right?
DOCTOR: I was just thinking. People keep assuming I'm a doctor of medicine. And I'm not, am I? They take an oath to do no harm. Maybe that's why I never became a doctor of medicine.
HEART: Recriminations won't get you anywhere, Doctor.
DOCTOR: So I should just write off this loss? Forget it all and move on, let time the great healer, wash all the wounds clean?
DIAMOND: What else are you going to do? Write out "I must win every single victory with absolutely no casualties" five thousand times?
HEART: You saved the crew of the trade ship, ended the suffering of the Nestene and also prevented a bunch of indestructible Auton pirates raiding and pillaging the seven seas. That must count for something.
DOCTOR: A rather hollow victory.
HEART: That's still a victory. Even if it wasn't, moping around isn't going to help. Now, can we get away from here, please?
(The Doctor activates the console.)
[Pirate Ship]
(The Festering Buccaneer is now alongside the trade ship and the crew are climbing across. They look back as the TARDIS dematerializes.)
CAPTAIN: Huh. Not the strangest sight we've laid eyes on today. (shouts) Come on, you lot get back to work. We've got our cargo to get to Florida and we're already a day behind...
[Pirate Ship]
(Not long after, the trade ship is sailing off into the night. The Autons lie scattered around the deck. The dead Club lies there for a moment, before his mask face sharpens and becomes a human face again. There is a splutter of the Auton buzz as his eyes open and he looks around. The other pirates are struggling upright, alive again.)
CLUB: What are you scurvy swabs doing asleep on deck! Get to your duties before I flog every man-jack of you!
(He shoves the First Mate.)
FIRST MATE: Ow! Hang on. That felt bad.
CLUB: Bad?
FIRST MATE: Yeah. I'm not sure, I've never felt anything before.
CLUB: Then the Doctor was right. The beast is dead and we're free of this half-life. We can feel.
PIRATE: I guess keelhauling each other won't be so much fun anymore. We might be mortal now.
CLUB: Aye, lad, perhaps. Perhaps not.
FIRST MATE: Well, Captain, what do we do now?
CLUB: We're pirates are we not, Mr. Mate? We can do whatever we want! We heed no laws of the land! We can explore the seven seas with the wind at our backs! Adventure awaits on every shore we can sail to do!
ALL: Hurray!
CLUB: Let's strike fear into the hearts of men and regret into the hearts of women! Fly the Jolly Roger as we narrow the gap with our quarry! Life has so many pleasures, me harties, and so many wonders, and we will all have our fill of them all!
(Grinning and cheering, they start to prepare the boat to set sail. The hanged pirate grabs a piano accordion and plays a Drunken-Sailor-type shanty with more gusto than actual talent.)
PIRATE: Yar-har-fiddly-dee! Being a pirate is to be free! We choose what to do and choose where to go! With a bottle of rum and a yo-ho-ho!
(The Festering Buccaneer sails off into the night.)
[Time Vortex]
(The TARDIS flies away.)
[TARDIS Control Room]
HEART: Maybe it's better this way. Who knows what chaos they'd have got up to if they'd survived?
DOCTOR: Who knows? All I know is that your brother is dead because of me.
DIAMOND: I'd forgive you, but I think you need to forgive yourself. Can you do that?
DOCTOR: No. Not yet anyway.
HEART: We do have another brother, though.
DIAMOND: Yeah. Spade.
DOCTOR: Do you want to see him?
HEART: Not just yet. I'm not sure I want to meet those crazed rebels he signed up with. They were unpleasant enough the first time, before they found out we had a time machine.
DIAMOND: Assuming they haven't all got themselves killed trying to take the Empire.
HEART: They've got Spade on their side.
DIAMOND: Unfortunately, they've got themselves on their side as well. That's a big liability.
HEART: (frowns) Doctor. Do you know if they succeed?
DOCTOR: Oh I know how it turns out, but I wouldn't want to spoil the surprise.
(Beat.)
BOTH: They definitely fail, then.
[Space]
(The shuttle detaches from Penance and heads off.)
[Penance Airlock]
(Soolin, Korell, Spade and Serge are looking out a window at the shuttle as it travels off into space.)
SERGE: Well, there he goes.
SPADE: I hope he's all right.
SOOLIN: He's indestructible. Literally. He's got a better chance of survival than the rest of us.
KORELL: You could've gone with him.
SOOLIN: I prefer to stay with homicidal maniacs who aren't bullet proof.
SPADE: I thought the others were your friends?
SOOLIN: They are. I don't seem to be able to get on with anyone well-adjusted. Hopefully one day I'll be able to find the ones we left behind, if they're still alive.
SERGE: And if they're not?
SOOLIN: Then they're just another reason to keep fighting. Give up now and it's all for nothing.
[Penance Flight Deck]
(Avon sits at the repaired controls.)
AVON: Course for Goma set and computed. Do you need to check the displays?
VILA: Yes. It's not that I don't trust you, old friend. Oh wait, yes it is. I don't trust you. No one does, not any more. Because for all your huge problems with treachery, you're the least trustworthy person in the galaxy. The only person betraying people around here is you.
(Beat.)
AVON: Do you honestly think I'm glad I killed him?
VILA: Oh it matters what anyone else thinks all of sudden? Well this is what I think. You shouldn't have killed him. It didn't matter if you didn't like him, if you didn't trust him. You knew we couldn't afford to lose him but you blew three holes in him anyway, and left the rest of in a death trap while you admired your own handiwork.
AVON: If it's any consolation.
VILA: It's not. I don't care if you feel guilty or if you can rationalize it. He didn't betray us, you did.
AVON: Don't be stupid...
VILA: I'm not being stupid. Being stupid would to be ignoring what you did, what you've been doing ever since Terminal, and leaving you in charge. You're reckless, dangerous, paranoid, more trouble than you're worth but worst of all you're not even good company to be around. Is there anything -anything at all you could possibly say or do - to make up for what you've done?
AVON: Well now. That remains to be seen.
(An awkward pause. He sets controls.)
AVON: Penance now en route for Goma, estimated time to arrival nineteen hours.
VILA: Steady as she goes.
(Vila walks out, shaking his head. Avon remains where he is. For a moment, a haunted expression crosses his face, then he resumes his work.)
[Space]
(The Penance heads away from the Darlon System, as the strains of Dudley Simpson ring out.)
(Roll end credits.)
