Perpetual Brightness: Surviving Southern Ming
- Thread starter Faeelin
- Start date
Faeelin
Banned
Some men are born to greatness. Some have greatness thrust upon them. Some become Tibetan lamas before returning to their homelands to unite the tribes of Mongolia in a bid to invade China. One such man was Galdan, who would bring the Jungar Khanate to new heights of power.
Before we discuss this, though, let’s begin with an overview. By the 17th century, Mongolia was divided between two groups, the Jungar, in Western Mongolia, and Mumblein Eastern Mongolia. The Mumble ended up overshadowed by the Manchus, and soon declined in power. The Jungars, however, rose to new heights of power.
Under the Khan Baatur-Khongtaiji , they began trading with the Russians, who were expanding east, raiding the Khazaks to the west, and, perhaps most importantly, trying to build a nation. Baatur build monasteries across his domain, and constructed a capital city which evolved into what’s known OTL as Chuguchak. He also made efforts to unite the Mongols, and in 1640 managed to convince the other tribes to agree to a code of laws to settle disputes between tribesmen. He died in 1653, passing his state to his third son, Sengge. Sengge’s older brothers took this as well as you’d expect, and assassinated him in 1671.
This is where Galdan entered the scene. The four son of Erdeni, he was dispatched to Tibet, where he studied under the Dalai Lama. Not the sort of person you’d expect to lead a mighty nation, right? His brothers thought so, until they were killed a few years later by Galdan, who became the khan of the Jungars.
OTL, Galdan pursued an aggressive policy to unite the peoples of Mongolia to stand against the Qing, and maybe overthrow them. This led to efforts to subdue the Khalkas of Eastern Mongolia, who retreated to Inner Mongolia and became Qing vassals.[1] In Perpetual Brightness, however, his thinking is somewhat different. China, once again, is divided, with a dynasty descended from nomads in the north. And as a Buddhist, he believes in reincarnation….
It should come as no surprise to the reader that while hunting in 1684 he comes across what his followers claim is the tomb of Genghis Khan, and from that point on uses the bow he found in the tomb.
Most of his policy is similar to OTL through the 1680s. He expands in Sinkiang, and in 1681 takes Turfan and Hami. And as in OTL, warfare breaks out between the Jungars under Galdan and the Khalkas in 1687. As in OTL, the Jungars win. Except Galdan touchingly pleads before the leader of the Khalkas not to abandon their people, and to join his Mongolian federation. Together, he promises, they can make the world shake once more.
The Khalkas are unsure; but word of revolt from the Muslims of Northwestern China, of the Qing defeat on the Yangzi, and the legend of Galdan persuade them. For the first time in centuries, the Mongols are united again.
And the world will shake once more.
Before we discuss this, though, let’s begin with an overview. By the 17th century, Mongolia was divided between two groups, the Jungar, in Western Mongolia, and Mumblein Eastern Mongolia. The Mumble ended up overshadowed by the Manchus, and soon declined in power. The Jungars, however, rose to new heights of power.
Under the Khan Baatur-Khongtaiji , they began trading with the Russians, who were expanding east, raiding the Khazaks to the west, and, perhaps most importantly, trying to build a nation. Baatur build monasteries across his domain, and constructed a capital city which evolved into what’s known OTL as Chuguchak. He also made efforts to unite the Mongols, and in 1640 managed to convince the other tribes to agree to a code of laws to settle disputes between tribesmen. He died in 1653, passing his state to his third son, Sengge. Sengge’s older brothers took this as well as you’d expect, and assassinated him in 1671.
This is where Galdan entered the scene. The four son of Erdeni, he was dispatched to Tibet, where he studied under the Dalai Lama. Not the sort of person you’d expect to lead a mighty nation, right? His brothers thought so, until they were killed a few years later by Galdan, who became the khan of the Jungars.
OTL, Galdan pursued an aggressive policy to unite the peoples of Mongolia to stand against the Qing, and maybe overthrow them. This led to efforts to subdue the Khalkas of Eastern Mongolia, who retreated to Inner Mongolia and became Qing vassals.[1] In Perpetual Brightness, however, his thinking is somewhat different. China, once again, is divided, with a dynasty descended from nomads in the north. And as a Buddhist, he believes in reincarnation….
It should come as no surprise to the reader that while hunting in 1684 he comes across what his followers claim is the tomb of Genghis Khan, and from that point on uses the bow he found in the tomb.
Most of his policy is similar to OTL through the 1680s. He expands in Sinkiang, and in 1681 takes Turfan and Hami. And as in OTL, warfare breaks out between the Jungars under Galdan and the Khalkas in 1687. As in OTL, the Jungars win. Except Galdan touchingly pleads before the leader of the Khalkas not to abandon their people, and to join his Mongolian federation. Together, he promises, they can make the world shake once more.
The Khalkas are unsure; but word of revolt from the Muslims of Northwestern China, of the Qing defeat on the Yangzi, and the legend of Galdan persuade them. For the first time in centuries, the Mongols are united again.
And the world will shake once more.
Admiral Matt
Gone Fishin'
First I'll point out that I have nothing constructive to say on the subject matter. Moving on.... To be perfectly honest, that post made me giggle with glee. This is going to be fun to watch.
Mongols vs. Manchus! I do hope you write in some culture clash about how these two different nomadic groups respond to each other.
Then again, I'm probably making too much of this. They've lived virtually next door to each other for centuries. It's not like knights meeting samurai.
Then again, I'm probably making too much of this. They've lived virtually next door to each other for centuries. It's not like knights meeting samurai.
Neroon
Banned
Actuall the Jin dynasty, that ruled the northern part of China, when the Mongols invaded before were the descendants of the Juruchen, who were Nomad Invaders and snatched a big slice of China. Just like the Manchu in TTL.
Faeelin
Banned
Hmm. we tend to picture the Manchus as nomads, but this isnt' true. Some of them were, but many, fif not most, had settled down in farms or towns by 1644.
The Manchus were nomadic enough to get the Mongols to like them and work with them, but they weren't really nomads.
Faeelin
Banned
Muslims, by the early Qing, have a long and varied history in the Middle Kingdom. They first began arriving in China, via Central Asia and the sea trade, in the Tang dynasty, and by the late Ming played a major role in China. Although many Han harbored Muslims ill feeling for their role as officials under the Yuan, few, if any, disliked Muslims on religious grounds. Ming officials found certain practices, such as abstaining from eating pork, weird, but they did not impose restrictions on Muslims per se. In fact, Ming policy towards Muslims was fairly tolerant. They served as enjoys, translators, interpreters, and other important roles. This is not to say that the Han loved Muslims, but it is striking that the Ming empeorrs never made an attempt to disperse the concentrations of Muslims who lived along the northwestern border, despite the region’s importance.
The Muslims of China, for their part, did not resist Ming rule. Although Muslims lived in separate quarters in Chinese towns, and continued following their rleigion, they adopted Chinese dress, erected tablets near mosques honoring the Emperor, begain intermarrying with Chinese families, and adopted Chinese names. [1] Some Muslims even studied the Chinese classics and became officials, working for their government across the Empire. Concentrated in the northwest, in provinces such as Shaanxi, they were for the most part content with Ming rule.
Then, in the late 16th century, troubles began. Political instability in Central Asia and in the Ming Empire crippled the region’s trade in silk, tea, and horses across the silk road, culiminating in a series of rebellions against the Ming.
Yet these rebellions were not religiously-inspired uprisings. Muslims joined and cooperated in uprisings against the Ming, and it has been suggested that Li Zucheng himself, who took Beijing in 1644, was Muslim. Yet when he did so, he conducted the traditional Chinese rites to confirm his legitimacy as empire.
Anyway, when the Qing took power, little changed; if anything, the situation worsened. The Qing restricted trade between Northwestern China and the Muslim towns of Central Asia, and the government was unable (or unwilling) to revive the tea and horse trade. The Muslims rebelled in 1646, and put forward a member of the Ming dynasty as their candidate in the civil war. Yet they received support from the Central Asian cities, who thought a Muslim-backed ruler would be in their best interest.
The Qing crushed the rebellion by 1650 OTL, and Qing sources estimated a hundred thousand died during the uprising. This marked the development an increasingly “Islamic” identity on the part of the regions Muslims.
In Perpetual Brightness, two things are worse. First, the Qing keep an even tighter reign than OTL on the Central Asian trade, vigorously cracking down on smuggling. This provokes the feelings of resentment you’d expect. Moreover, the Ming remain viable candidates, capable of challenging the Qing. Many Muslims look, through rose-tinted glasses, at the time when the Ming ruled all of China.
It should come as no surprise then, that the Muslims of Shaanxi plot, and hope for the return of the dudmān-e rawshani, or the Dynasty of Illumination [2].
[1] Thus you get Chinese names like Mu, which was a corruption of Mohammed.
[2] Thanks to Leo for this.
The Muslims of China, for their part, did not resist Ming rule. Although Muslims lived in separate quarters in Chinese towns, and continued following their rleigion, they adopted Chinese dress, erected tablets near mosques honoring the Emperor, begain intermarrying with Chinese families, and adopted Chinese names. [1] Some Muslims even studied the Chinese classics and became officials, working for their government across the Empire. Concentrated in the northwest, in provinces such as Shaanxi, they were for the most part content with Ming rule.
Then, in the late 16th century, troubles began. Political instability in Central Asia and in the Ming Empire crippled the region’s trade in silk, tea, and horses across the silk road, culiminating in a series of rebellions against the Ming.
Yet these rebellions were not religiously-inspired uprisings. Muslims joined and cooperated in uprisings against the Ming, and it has been suggested that Li Zucheng himself, who took Beijing in 1644, was Muslim. Yet when he did so, he conducted the traditional Chinese rites to confirm his legitimacy as empire.
Anyway, when the Qing took power, little changed; if anything, the situation worsened. The Qing restricted trade between Northwestern China and the Muslim towns of Central Asia, and the government was unable (or unwilling) to revive the tea and horse trade. The Muslims rebelled in 1646, and put forward a member of the Ming dynasty as their candidate in the civil war. Yet they received support from the Central Asian cities, who thought a Muslim-backed ruler would be in their best interest.
The Qing crushed the rebellion by 1650 OTL, and Qing sources estimated a hundred thousand died during the uprising. This marked the development an increasingly “Islamic” identity on the part of the regions Muslims.
In Perpetual Brightness, two things are worse. First, the Qing keep an even tighter reign than OTL on the Central Asian trade, vigorously cracking down on smuggling. This provokes the feelings of resentment you’d expect. Moreover, the Ming remain viable candidates, capable of challenging the Qing. Many Muslims look, through rose-tinted glasses, at the time when the Ming ruled all of China.
It should come as no surprise then, that the Muslims of Shaanxi plot, and hope for the return of the dudmān-e rawshani, or the Dynasty of Illumination [2].
[1] Thus you get Chinese names like Mu, which was a corruption of Mohammed.
[2] Thanks to Leo for this.
Faeelin
Banned
A better comparison may be the Franks to the Saxons. Depending on your view of Mongols, of course.
I think you missed writing the part about the Christian nature of the Qing emperor. Or did Kangxi not covert like his father did?
Faeelin
Banned
He's friendly with the Jesuits, and allows missionary efforts, but he is not a Christian.
(For some reason the Missionaries got upset when he offered to pray to Jesus as well as Buddha).
Hendryk
Banned
Interesting development. The Qing may have to fight a two-front war if they want to finish off the Ming; and if the insurgents manage to hold the strategic Gansu corridor, they may cut off the main axis of communication between the home provinces and Xinjiang.
PB&J Prologue: A Matter on Cabbages with Included Discourses from a Learned Dutchman and Others.
Excerpted From the letters of Isaac Tsitingh; Vol 3: China, Japan, Korea.
…It is often noted in Europe that the people of the Japanese Islands are universally decorous, polite and tactful almost to a fault, and while that image crafted by dignitaries and scholars abroad holds a grain of essential truth, the fact of the matter is that any traveler to the islands fluent in their tongue is exposed to another face of Japanese culture, one that is as irreverent, bawdy and wicked as anything to arise out of the publicans of London or the salons of Paris. This face of Japan is not obscured from the traveler; no, if anything, the various governments of Europe more oft exert moral control over the baser elements of their societies than the minions of the Shogun are wont to do. One may find prints sold openly in the stalls of streets of certain districts of Edo and Kyoto depicting things that would sicken even the most depraved Italian engraver of indecent plates. Suffice to say, I have procured some not out of prurient interest, but for the betterment of understanding the mind of the common Japanese; you of all people know me well enough to grasp that this is the truth, as I am sure you have questions on how the Japanese draft the human form and view the congress between the sexes that this material is sure to address.
So what accounts for such a distance between the image of the bowing and smiling diplomat seen in our drawing rooms and the raunchy fanfares of subversion visible on the Japanese street? It has only been quite recently that I have grasped the answer to that quandary. To wit, in Japanese eyes, all of us Occidentals come “reeking of butter”, and to the more traditional elements of society, seeking to overthrow the Shogunate. Us Dutch are seen as a nation inverted, where merchants rule and warriors are despised, and everyone thinks only of money and material gain. Whilst my peregrinations abroad perhaps do nothing to change this image of my countrymen, still we are not held in constant suspicion and barely concealed hostility that the Spaniards and Lusitanians garner from the native populace. One cannot imagine worse envoys of trade and mutual understanding between nations than machinating Jesuits that comport themselves as diplomats.
If our perceptions of a nation are irrevocably shaped by the nature of its earliest habitants abroad, then widening those notions is a difficult task. In order to remedy the image of the impeccable Japanese gentleman abroad, devoted scion to his master and his nation, trained in the finest arts and full of the wisdom of the East I sought to make a record of a type of play that the Japanese call “rakugo”. I use the term “play” loosely, for it consists of a man sitting on stage, telling a story of multiple characters using nothing but his body gestures and changes in the tone of his voice. It is quite popular amongst the common people of the city, though it is beneath the noble bearing of an educated samurai. The “storyteller”, if I may call him such, gives a series of comedic tales that brings the audiences to greater and greater gales of laughter as the acts progress. I confess that the humor escapes me, but these stories show a side of the Japanese that is satirical, irreverent, and impetuous to the powers that be.
One particular performance struck me as perfect for distribution, as it if fairly devoid of material scandalous to the average Burgher, yet is so potent to the average Japanese that the author wrote it under the pseudonym of “Edogawa Bumpei” to escape any opprobrium that might befall him. Entitled “A Series of Inconvenient Truths” it purports to tell the real stories behind events in Japanese history. Under the deep guise of farce it lambastes the social order and national pieties of Japan. As no copies exist of it printed, I paid a sum to a performer who submitted to me what he regards as the most correct rendition of the author’s original comedic intent. Particularly illuminating is the long final act, which delves into the odd event that still exists in the living memory of many of the elderly of the nation, namely the Ryukyu War, colloquially known as the War of the Cabbages…
From the Green translation of The Unfortunate Story Sequences published by Oxford University Press 1927
…it is theorized now that there was no single person behind the name of Edogawa Bumpei, and that the variance of titles and stories composing the oral collection is the result of the compilation of different routines done by different comedians. What is certain is that the long final act of the routine, while commenting on the most recent historical event, is ironically, the oldest, appearing soon after the Ryukyu Incident as described in the letters of Makino Atsutaka detailing what was on the Shogunate censorship list. While it is impossible to know if the joke is a reflection on the actual historical event it was conceived as such by the masses from its inception…
…current performances are derived from the most common retelling of the collection from Edo, however, purists who dislike the ritualized aspect of “traditional Rakugo” are more fond of the second Osaka collection, which is much more vulgar, pointed and inflammatory than the Edo collection, as well as allowing more leeway for interpretations that slyly comment on modern political affairs…
Written adaptation of “How a Retainer Brought Ruin to Some Fine Vegetables” from “Truth in Lies Stories”
So, we all know stupid people do stupid things that ruin everyone’s day, right? I say this, for every stupid thing a stupid person does, there’s a smart person who has a brilliant idea that’s going to ruin your whole life. The stupid guy, he drinks all your sake and then he does a drunken little dance that knocks over your hearth and ruins your tatami. The smart guy, he’ll convince everyone that they can get a better fire by burning coal in their hearth, and then one day someone pours coal dust into their hearth and boom! Your entire neighborhood burns down! That’s a good fire for you! But nothing can beat the damn screw-ups that happen when you get smart and dumb people working in tandem. Some damn fool will give a smart guy an idea that’ll screw you over, or a damn fool will take a smart guy’s idea and turn it into shit… Yeah, you all heard about the Cabbage war, right? Now there’s the perfect example. You got a sweet deal going smoothly for everyone, then the stupidest samurai in all Japan comes along and ruins a perfectly set deal, which as a result, gives Shogun Tei Seikou (1) a most brilliant idea… well why don’t I give you the whole truth of the matter.
So this is back in the good old days when our leaders were so brilliant they left all the government to the bureaucrats, monks and vassals so that they could dedicate their minds to more important things than politics, like studying the sayings of Confucius and the sages, chasing high class courtesans, teaching their young squires “the fraternal bond of warriors” (2) or all three at one time. You may recall that we didn’t just let any old person into the country then; there wasn’t a fat Dutchman and sweaty Scot driving each others prices down by the docks, no, if you wanted an ivory comb or a fine mirror, you really had to have enough Man (3) to crack open a pauper’s head to get one from the government or your friendly local gangsters. However, in Satsuma, the Shimazu clan had quite a racket going! They had gotten vassalage out of the King of Okinawa and were shipping in loads of Chinese goods all with the blessing of our incorruptible leaders in Edo. Of course there were a lot of rules set up, and it was quite a hassle, but the money was really good for everyone involved, particularly those who did nothing more than stamp the papers.
So in the summer of the ninth year of Kanbun, there’s this trade delegation in Okinawa, where a whole bunch of Satsuma guys are whiling away their time in the pissing heat waiting to take off for home. Since Lord Shimazu was in Edo with his family, most of his best retainers had gone with him as part of his retinue, leaving the dregs to keep things up while he fulfilled his obligation. One of these fine young men went by the name of Kuroda Kenichi, after his grandfather, who bravely slew legions of desperate peasants and their even more dangerous women and children in the Shimobara Rebellion. Since the brat had no talent for fighting, or arts, or anything else requiring more than the wits and skill of a dung beetle and was only good for stirring up trouble, he gained the nickname Kusurihebi (4). Ha! Wouldn’t you know, the little fool was so stupid he wore the name like a badge of honor!
So Kusurihebi was walking around the marketplace in Shuri that day, looking for ways to kill some time. He was sweating and thinking to himself “Damn, I hate this damn island, I hate the damn hairy pig herders who live on this damn island, I hate their damn king, I even hate their damn melons that look like an goblin’s prick and taste like an ogres toenail! (5)” Then he sees something that catches his eye. Right in the middle of the marketplace, stuck between the vendors, is a little old man practicing moves on a Go board set up on a bench. “Gramps there must be halfway senile by now, look at him, sitting there, playing nobody. I bet he wets himself when he gets excited.” At that moment, Kusurihebi notices that the old man had a fat purse jingling from his side and he gets an idea. Now Kusurihebi wasn’t so dense that he thought he was a good Go player, but he was dirty enough to think he could beat an old man.
So Kusurihebi swaggers on over to the old man and sits down on the other end of the bench. With a smile showing all his rotten teeth he asks “Hey there uncle, I got a proposition for you. Listen closely. I wanna play a game, and to make it interesting, I wanna put money on it. You understand?” The old man don’t say a word, but flashes a big smile. “Do you speak Japanese?” asks Kusurihebi. No reply. “Have you pissed yourself, uncle?” Still the old man keeps on smiling. “Well, this isn’t going to work,” thinks Kusurihebi, “I better try something else”.
So after thinking much longer than it would take you or I, Kusurihebi figured out a plan. He empties out his purse and put a full month’s wages on the bench and smiles at the old man. The old man smiled even wider and emptied out his purse, placing the money on the bench. Kusurihebi leans back and smiles like a snake swallowing a mouse “Gramps, if I win, then I also get to screw your hairy granddaughter.” The old man keeps on smiling as he set the board. The game starts, with Kusurihebi making quick confident hops and the old man gingerly moving his stones in a methodical fashion, stroking his beard all the while. “C’mon, gramps, this is taking too damn long,” said Kusurihebi, “It’s not like I don’t have other things to do.”
So then the old man smiles and takes out a gourd, uncaps it, sips it and passes it across the board. “What’s this?” Like a pig, Kusurihebi sniffs the gourd and realizes it’s full of Okinawan booze (6). Unlike most normal people, our hero had no qualms about getting drunk while a huge chunk of his money depended on his playing. He takes a few gulps and passes it back to the old man. “Tastes like it was brewed from stinkgrass, but it does the job. Thanks, gramps.” The game continues, the brave young man now fortified anew. Every now and then, the old man takes a sip of his gourd and passes it to Kusurihebi, who chugs a few more gulps.
So the game goes on, and by now our boy is completely rip roaring drunk, his face redder than a monkey’s ass. Even so, he’s finally realizing that the old man ain’t as bad a player as he first thought. “Damn, this guy is impervious, but he’s not doing anything to get at me,” thinks Kusurihebi, “Eventually I’ll gain enough ground that I’ll just swamp his area.”.
So it goes until just as it reached the peak of noon. Kusurihebi hears his name being called from across the marketplace. Several of the other retainers have been searching for him, turns out they’re not supposed to go roving about. “Hoy, I’m over here!” he shouts. When they get to the bench, the highest among them, a stout if upstanding fellow named Ota says “Kuroda, where the hell have you been? The boss is going to tan your hide for wandering off and getting drunk. C’mon, we have to head back now. We’re leaving tomorrow morning.” “No, no, no, wait up, guys. I’m going to beat this old guy and win his purse any moment now. Then I’ll treat you all to drinks and tell you how I whupped his senile ass move by move when we get home.”
So when Kusurihebi says that, everyone starts laughing like crows. Kusurihebi slaps the bench and says “What’s so funny, you damn fools? Can’t you see that I’m going to win?” “Win?” says Ota, “Don’t you know who this old man is? He’s Gushiken Soton, Go champion of the Ryukyus. Just two years ago he played bouts all over Kagoshima and on up to Edo. Everyone heard of it, where the hell were you? And look, he’s clearly got you in a quadruple ghost (7)! A monkey could have seen that coming! Not only do you lose your purse, you played worse than I’ve ever seen anyone play before, and that itself is even more shameful!” “Wait a minute,” says Kusurihebi, “You mean this senile old coot was playing me?” “Not only was he playing you, you damn fool, but he understands every word we’re saying.” Ota sweeps his arms across the marketplace, “Half the people in Okinawa know Kagoshima-ben (8), but they’re forbidden to speak it to us in open. Just give him your money already.” Kusurihebi knocks the board off the bench. “I’m not giving anything! You wrinkly old cheating bastard!”
So we all know what happens next. Some drunk half-wit punk not fit to tote shit to a field takes a swing at the most respected pechin (9) in all the Ryukyus who’s old enough to be his great-grandfather and more than a head shorter than he is. And he loses. He loses bad. His first swing grazes the respected elder in the eye, but before his fellow samurai know it, much less himself, he’s got a busted arm and he’s flying into a cart full of cabbages. And wouldn’t you know it, both the cabbage vendor and Gushiken are shouting curses at the top of their lungs in perfect Japanese. Now Ota and the others have the good sense not to draw their swords, making an already fine mess even worse, but as it is, it looks like it’s going to be tough to leave by tomorrow morning without clearing it all up.
When the boss-man gets around by the evening, both the cabbage man and Gushiken have filed complaints straight up to the king himself. Now this may seem strange to you, when you can’t even get to see a damn Shogunate bean counter without an appointment 5 years in advance, but Shuri is a small place, and their king had the foreign failing of taking interest in governance. Eventually it’s decided that the Japanese delegation should make amends, with the boss-man giving symbolic apologies and our now humbled young man fully groveling before the old man. Also a fine of the cost in ruined cabbages was assessed, to be paid by the next trading group from Satsuma.
So the next morning they headed back home, though Kusurihebi left his little finger (the first of several body parts he would lose) in Okinawa. A small fine for the cost of cabbages was sent to Japan and ignored. The debt goes into the kingdom records and there it sits. Several years later, we get to the part we all know. Our most sage leaders had undertaken a trade policy that would cripple the Southern Emperor’s realm. With no silver for its coffers, the Northern Empire in short notice would surely overrun their land. Now Shogun Tei Shokou, the smartest man in all of Southern and Northern China could not let this happen, however he could not simply invade over what was purely the business of Japan. No righteous man shakes down another for money. No, an honorable cause must be found. He found that in the dispatches from the Chinese ambassador in the Ryukyus and in a long forgotten treaty. It seems that hundreds of years before the King of Ryukyu had become a vassal of Japan (10), he had agreed to become a vassal of Southern Emperor. You can’t be a vassal to two different masters! So Tei Shokou cooked up a plan. He’d get what he needed and nobody would know till years later. After all, like I said in the beginning, back then we didn’t know much of what was going on outside here. He’d invade Japan over the egregious abuses of its rightful vassal, and what evidence did he have of that? Why Japan had pillaged a cart of cabbages from the Ryukyus! So, China invaded over a load of cabbages. Cabbages! Hundreds of thousands slain over cabbages.
So, you may say that the final punchline ain’t funny, but hey, it’s not jokes I’m telling you. It’s just another damn unfortunate truth.
Notes
General: So begins the first bunch of stories I’m writing for Faeelin focusing mostly on Japan within the Perpetual Brightness TL. Some of you might know me as “The Gunrunner”, others as Spike, but in any case, I’m doing this for a friend, for practice, and mainly for shits and giggles. As you might have noticed, I tend towards the scatological. It’s going to get much worse, so if you’re easily offended, you might not want to read any installments I write. Blame my upbringing if you must. Also I’m going to try to keep the Nipponisms to a certain level, hence “goblin” and “ogre” instead of “kappa” and “oni”. If you don’t like that, stick to watching fansubbed Naruto torrents and leave me alone.
Excerpted From the letters of Isaac Tsitingh; Vol 3: China, Japan, Korea.
…It is often noted in Europe that the people of the Japanese Islands are universally decorous, polite and tactful almost to a fault, and while that image crafted by dignitaries and scholars abroad holds a grain of essential truth, the fact of the matter is that any traveler to the islands fluent in their tongue is exposed to another face of Japanese culture, one that is as irreverent, bawdy and wicked as anything to arise out of the publicans of London or the salons of Paris. This face of Japan is not obscured from the traveler; no, if anything, the various governments of Europe more oft exert moral control over the baser elements of their societies than the minions of the Shogun are wont to do. One may find prints sold openly in the stalls of streets of certain districts of Edo and Kyoto depicting things that would sicken even the most depraved Italian engraver of indecent plates. Suffice to say, I have procured some not out of prurient interest, but for the betterment of understanding the mind of the common Japanese; you of all people know me well enough to grasp that this is the truth, as I am sure you have questions on how the Japanese draft the human form and view the congress between the sexes that this material is sure to address.
So what accounts for such a distance between the image of the bowing and smiling diplomat seen in our drawing rooms and the raunchy fanfares of subversion visible on the Japanese street? It has only been quite recently that I have grasped the answer to that quandary. To wit, in Japanese eyes, all of us Occidentals come “reeking of butter”, and to the more traditional elements of society, seeking to overthrow the Shogunate. Us Dutch are seen as a nation inverted, where merchants rule and warriors are despised, and everyone thinks only of money and material gain. Whilst my peregrinations abroad perhaps do nothing to change this image of my countrymen, still we are not held in constant suspicion and barely concealed hostility that the Spaniards and Lusitanians garner from the native populace. One cannot imagine worse envoys of trade and mutual understanding between nations than machinating Jesuits that comport themselves as diplomats.
If our perceptions of a nation are irrevocably shaped by the nature of its earliest habitants abroad, then widening those notions is a difficult task. In order to remedy the image of the impeccable Japanese gentleman abroad, devoted scion to his master and his nation, trained in the finest arts and full of the wisdom of the East I sought to make a record of a type of play that the Japanese call “rakugo”. I use the term “play” loosely, for it consists of a man sitting on stage, telling a story of multiple characters using nothing but his body gestures and changes in the tone of his voice. It is quite popular amongst the common people of the city, though it is beneath the noble bearing of an educated samurai. The “storyteller”, if I may call him such, gives a series of comedic tales that brings the audiences to greater and greater gales of laughter as the acts progress. I confess that the humor escapes me, but these stories show a side of the Japanese that is satirical, irreverent, and impetuous to the powers that be.
One particular performance struck me as perfect for distribution, as it if fairly devoid of material scandalous to the average Burgher, yet is so potent to the average Japanese that the author wrote it under the pseudonym of “Edogawa Bumpei” to escape any opprobrium that might befall him. Entitled “A Series of Inconvenient Truths” it purports to tell the real stories behind events in Japanese history. Under the deep guise of farce it lambastes the social order and national pieties of Japan. As no copies exist of it printed, I paid a sum to a performer who submitted to me what he regards as the most correct rendition of the author’s original comedic intent. Particularly illuminating is the long final act, which delves into the odd event that still exists in the living memory of many of the elderly of the nation, namely the Ryukyu War, colloquially known as the War of the Cabbages…
From the Green translation of The Unfortunate Story Sequences published by Oxford University Press 1927
…it is theorized now that there was no single person behind the name of Edogawa Bumpei, and that the variance of titles and stories composing the oral collection is the result of the compilation of different routines done by different comedians. What is certain is that the long final act of the routine, while commenting on the most recent historical event, is ironically, the oldest, appearing soon after the Ryukyu Incident as described in the letters of Makino Atsutaka detailing what was on the Shogunate censorship list. While it is impossible to know if the joke is a reflection on the actual historical event it was conceived as such by the masses from its inception…
…current performances are derived from the most common retelling of the collection from Edo, however, purists who dislike the ritualized aspect of “traditional Rakugo” are more fond of the second Osaka collection, which is much more vulgar, pointed and inflammatory than the Edo collection, as well as allowing more leeway for interpretations that slyly comment on modern political affairs…
Written adaptation of “How a Retainer Brought Ruin to Some Fine Vegetables” from “Truth in Lies Stories”
So, we all know stupid people do stupid things that ruin everyone’s day, right? I say this, for every stupid thing a stupid person does, there’s a smart person who has a brilliant idea that’s going to ruin your whole life. The stupid guy, he drinks all your sake and then he does a drunken little dance that knocks over your hearth and ruins your tatami. The smart guy, he’ll convince everyone that they can get a better fire by burning coal in their hearth, and then one day someone pours coal dust into their hearth and boom! Your entire neighborhood burns down! That’s a good fire for you! But nothing can beat the damn screw-ups that happen when you get smart and dumb people working in tandem. Some damn fool will give a smart guy an idea that’ll screw you over, or a damn fool will take a smart guy’s idea and turn it into shit… Yeah, you all heard about the Cabbage war, right? Now there’s the perfect example. You got a sweet deal going smoothly for everyone, then the stupidest samurai in all Japan comes along and ruins a perfectly set deal, which as a result, gives Shogun Tei Seikou (1) a most brilliant idea… well why don’t I give you the whole truth of the matter.
So this is back in the good old days when our leaders were so brilliant they left all the government to the bureaucrats, monks and vassals so that they could dedicate their minds to more important things than politics, like studying the sayings of Confucius and the sages, chasing high class courtesans, teaching their young squires “the fraternal bond of warriors” (2) or all three at one time. You may recall that we didn’t just let any old person into the country then; there wasn’t a fat Dutchman and sweaty Scot driving each others prices down by the docks, no, if you wanted an ivory comb or a fine mirror, you really had to have enough Man (3) to crack open a pauper’s head to get one from the government or your friendly local gangsters. However, in Satsuma, the Shimazu clan had quite a racket going! They had gotten vassalage out of the King of Okinawa and were shipping in loads of Chinese goods all with the blessing of our incorruptible leaders in Edo. Of course there were a lot of rules set up, and it was quite a hassle, but the money was really good for everyone involved, particularly those who did nothing more than stamp the papers.
So in the summer of the ninth year of Kanbun, there’s this trade delegation in Okinawa, where a whole bunch of Satsuma guys are whiling away their time in the pissing heat waiting to take off for home. Since Lord Shimazu was in Edo with his family, most of his best retainers had gone with him as part of his retinue, leaving the dregs to keep things up while he fulfilled his obligation. One of these fine young men went by the name of Kuroda Kenichi, after his grandfather, who bravely slew legions of desperate peasants and their even more dangerous women and children in the Shimobara Rebellion. Since the brat had no talent for fighting, or arts, or anything else requiring more than the wits and skill of a dung beetle and was only good for stirring up trouble, he gained the nickname Kusurihebi (4). Ha! Wouldn’t you know, the little fool was so stupid he wore the name like a badge of honor!
So Kusurihebi was walking around the marketplace in Shuri that day, looking for ways to kill some time. He was sweating and thinking to himself “Damn, I hate this damn island, I hate the damn hairy pig herders who live on this damn island, I hate their damn king, I even hate their damn melons that look like an goblin’s prick and taste like an ogres toenail! (5)” Then he sees something that catches his eye. Right in the middle of the marketplace, stuck between the vendors, is a little old man practicing moves on a Go board set up on a bench. “Gramps there must be halfway senile by now, look at him, sitting there, playing nobody. I bet he wets himself when he gets excited.” At that moment, Kusurihebi notices that the old man had a fat purse jingling from his side and he gets an idea. Now Kusurihebi wasn’t so dense that he thought he was a good Go player, but he was dirty enough to think he could beat an old man.
So Kusurihebi swaggers on over to the old man and sits down on the other end of the bench. With a smile showing all his rotten teeth he asks “Hey there uncle, I got a proposition for you. Listen closely. I wanna play a game, and to make it interesting, I wanna put money on it. You understand?” The old man don’t say a word, but flashes a big smile. “Do you speak Japanese?” asks Kusurihebi. No reply. “Have you pissed yourself, uncle?” Still the old man keeps on smiling. “Well, this isn’t going to work,” thinks Kusurihebi, “I better try something else”.
So after thinking much longer than it would take you or I, Kusurihebi figured out a plan. He empties out his purse and put a full month’s wages on the bench and smiles at the old man. The old man smiled even wider and emptied out his purse, placing the money on the bench. Kusurihebi leans back and smiles like a snake swallowing a mouse “Gramps, if I win, then I also get to screw your hairy granddaughter.” The old man keeps on smiling as he set the board. The game starts, with Kusurihebi making quick confident hops and the old man gingerly moving his stones in a methodical fashion, stroking his beard all the while. “C’mon, gramps, this is taking too damn long,” said Kusurihebi, “It’s not like I don’t have other things to do.”
So then the old man smiles and takes out a gourd, uncaps it, sips it and passes it across the board. “What’s this?” Like a pig, Kusurihebi sniffs the gourd and realizes it’s full of Okinawan booze (6). Unlike most normal people, our hero had no qualms about getting drunk while a huge chunk of his money depended on his playing. He takes a few gulps and passes it back to the old man. “Tastes like it was brewed from stinkgrass, but it does the job. Thanks, gramps.” The game continues, the brave young man now fortified anew. Every now and then, the old man takes a sip of his gourd and passes it to Kusurihebi, who chugs a few more gulps.
So the game goes on, and by now our boy is completely rip roaring drunk, his face redder than a monkey’s ass. Even so, he’s finally realizing that the old man ain’t as bad a player as he first thought. “Damn, this guy is impervious, but he’s not doing anything to get at me,” thinks Kusurihebi, “Eventually I’ll gain enough ground that I’ll just swamp his area.”.
So it goes until just as it reached the peak of noon. Kusurihebi hears his name being called from across the marketplace. Several of the other retainers have been searching for him, turns out they’re not supposed to go roving about. “Hoy, I’m over here!” he shouts. When they get to the bench, the highest among them, a stout if upstanding fellow named Ota says “Kuroda, where the hell have you been? The boss is going to tan your hide for wandering off and getting drunk. C’mon, we have to head back now. We’re leaving tomorrow morning.” “No, no, no, wait up, guys. I’m going to beat this old guy and win his purse any moment now. Then I’ll treat you all to drinks and tell you how I whupped his senile ass move by move when we get home.”
So when Kusurihebi says that, everyone starts laughing like crows. Kusurihebi slaps the bench and says “What’s so funny, you damn fools? Can’t you see that I’m going to win?” “Win?” says Ota, “Don’t you know who this old man is? He’s Gushiken Soton, Go champion of the Ryukyus. Just two years ago he played bouts all over Kagoshima and on up to Edo. Everyone heard of it, where the hell were you? And look, he’s clearly got you in a quadruple ghost (7)! A monkey could have seen that coming! Not only do you lose your purse, you played worse than I’ve ever seen anyone play before, and that itself is even more shameful!” “Wait a minute,” says Kusurihebi, “You mean this senile old coot was playing me?” “Not only was he playing you, you damn fool, but he understands every word we’re saying.” Ota sweeps his arms across the marketplace, “Half the people in Okinawa know Kagoshima-ben (8), but they’re forbidden to speak it to us in open. Just give him your money already.” Kusurihebi knocks the board off the bench. “I’m not giving anything! You wrinkly old cheating bastard!”
So we all know what happens next. Some drunk half-wit punk not fit to tote shit to a field takes a swing at the most respected pechin (9) in all the Ryukyus who’s old enough to be his great-grandfather and more than a head shorter than he is. And he loses. He loses bad. His first swing grazes the respected elder in the eye, but before his fellow samurai know it, much less himself, he’s got a busted arm and he’s flying into a cart full of cabbages. And wouldn’t you know it, both the cabbage vendor and Gushiken are shouting curses at the top of their lungs in perfect Japanese. Now Ota and the others have the good sense not to draw their swords, making an already fine mess even worse, but as it is, it looks like it’s going to be tough to leave by tomorrow morning without clearing it all up.
When the boss-man gets around by the evening, both the cabbage man and Gushiken have filed complaints straight up to the king himself. Now this may seem strange to you, when you can’t even get to see a damn Shogunate bean counter without an appointment 5 years in advance, but Shuri is a small place, and their king had the foreign failing of taking interest in governance. Eventually it’s decided that the Japanese delegation should make amends, with the boss-man giving symbolic apologies and our now humbled young man fully groveling before the old man. Also a fine of the cost in ruined cabbages was assessed, to be paid by the next trading group from Satsuma.
So the next morning they headed back home, though Kusurihebi left his little finger (the first of several body parts he would lose) in Okinawa. A small fine for the cost of cabbages was sent to Japan and ignored. The debt goes into the kingdom records and there it sits. Several years later, we get to the part we all know. Our most sage leaders had undertaken a trade policy that would cripple the Southern Emperor’s realm. With no silver for its coffers, the Northern Empire in short notice would surely overrun their land. Now Shogun Tei Shokou, the smartest man in all of Southern and Northern China could not let this happen, however he could not simply invade over what was purely the business of Japan. No righteous man shakes down another for money. No, an honorable cause must be found. He found that in the dispatches from the Chinese ambassador in the Ryukyus and in a long forgotten treaty. It seems that hundreds of years before the King of Ryukyu had become a vassal of Japan (10), he had agreed to become a vassal of Southern Emperor. You can’t be a vassal to two different masters! So Tei Shokou cooked up a plan. He’d get what he needed and nobody would know till years later. After all, like I said in the beginning, back then we didn’t know much of what was going on outside here. He’d invade Japan over the egregious abuses of its rightful vassal, and what evidence did he have of that? Why Japan had pillaged a cart of cabbages from the Ryukyus! So, China invaded over a load of cabbages. Cabbages! Hundreds of thousands slain over cabbages.
So, you may say that the final punchline ain’t funny, but hey, it’s not jokes I’m telling you. It’s just another damn unfortunate truth.
Notes
General: So begins the first bunch of stories I’m writing for Faeelin focusing mostly on Japan within the Perpetual Brightness TL. Some of you might know me as “The Gunrunner”, others as Spike, but in any case, I’m doing this for a friend, for practice, and mainly for shits and giggles. As you might have noticed, I tend towards the scatological. It’s going to get much worse, so if you’re easily offended, you might not want to read any installments I write. Blame my upbringing if you must. Also I’m going to try to keep the Nipponisms to a certain level, hence “goblin” and “ogre” instead of “kappa” and “oni”. If you don’t like that, stick to watching fansubbed Naruto torrents and leave me alone.
- One of the Japanese names of Coxinga. Yup, He was half-Japanese and born on the island of Hirado, a place noted in Japanese history as being a place one leaves from ASAP if you have any brains or ambition.
- High ranking samurai in the Tokugawa period were as bad as Spartans about that. However instead of warring with transvestites in pancake makeup, they made out with them.
- Type of coinage in Tokugawa Japan. Big, thick and heavy.
- Whoever gets this pun on Kuroda’s name gets a prize.
- He’s ranting about bitter melons here. They do taste godawful, but Okinawans swear by its supposed life extending properties. As they have the most centurians in Japan, I’m inclined to think there’s something to it.
- He’s talking about Awamori, which is brewed and distilled from long grain rice as opposed to the short grained rice used in brewing in Japan. The good stuff is often of a higher proof than even the strongest Japanese Shochu in Japan, not that it would matter to our boy.
- Okay, I’m pulling that one out of my ass from what little I know about Go. Correct me if any of you know how to play the damned thing. In an odder note, the best players of the Ryukyus actually did tour Japan during the Tokugawa era. Japan wasn’t as closed as many Westerners think it was.
- The local dialect of Satsuma, impenetrable to standard Japanese speakers till this very day. Japan is like the UK in that respect. You have BBC English (i.e Tokyo dialect) that most media are in, a couple of popular dialects like Cockney (i.e. Kansai-ben) that outsiders hear now and then and whole bunches of dialects you never really hear. Even in news interviews, people from rural Japan will attempt an approximation of standard Japanese.
- Sort of the Okinawan equivalent of a samurai. The Gushiken clan were particularly well-regarded and high-ranked members of the class.
- Technically, it was a vassal of Satsuma until the 1870s.
I loved that piece. Sometimes I wonder why modern Japanese culture has such a reputation, and then I read history and I know it's been with them for centuries. Though why didn't Imperial China have similar bouts of naughtiness?
Additionally, that was really damn well-written, and incredibly comprehensive. Thank you for bringing more AH material for people to read.
Additionally, that was really damn well-written, and incredibly comprehensive. Thank you for bringing more AH material for people to read.
Hah, yup, anyone who thinks hentai is something modern ought to go look up "The Fisherman's Wife's Dream". Imperial China did have its boughts of smuttiness, though its kinks were more prosaic. You ought to see the erotic poetry written about bound feet. Apparently one of the turn ons was the smell of them. I don't know as much about China as I do about Japan, but in the main parts I'll have one Chinese character who's a bit dirty minded, though in a much more blue collar sense.
Thank you for reading what I wrote!