FOR WANT OF THE HAMMER
A NEW YEAR'S TRAGEDY, 645-646 AVC
Publius Rutilius Rufus was woken on the 29th of December by the gentle shaking of his shoulder. Like most active men living on a proper diet, no matter what age, Publius Rutilius, once over the walls of sleep, opened his eyes and sat up immediately, not tired at all and able to think clearly. He saw that it was his attentive steward, an educated Greek with the very regal name of Eudamidas, who had woken him up.
He frowned at the torch Eudamidas was carrying; no light filtered through the door behind him, for it was completely dark outside, a moonless night. "What is it, Eudamidas?" he asked curiously.
"Dominus," said Eudamidas, holding out a sealed letter. "A most urgent letter from the Pontifex Maximus; his messenger was distraught." Publius Rutilius's eyebrows went up and he took the letter, standing, pulling on his slippers, and following Eudamidas to his study. Publius Rutilius saw his own breath, ghost-like in front of him, as Eudamidas lit two of the lamps; Publius Rutilius was no wastrel, and in any case more lamps would not aid his sight or the cold of the night.
Publius Rutilius shivered as he sat in the cold high-backed wooden chair with only his wool tunic separating it from his skin, and bent his head to the desk to read the letter. It was simply a folded sheet of paper, sealed with the ring of the Pontifex Maximus hastily blotted on wax, and with the writing:
Lucius Caecilius Metellus L. f. Q. n. Dalmaticus Pontifex Maximus to Consul-Designate Publius Rutilius Rufus scrawled under the seal in Greek.
Frowning again at such formality, Publius Rutilius picked up his letter-opener. Something terrible has happened, I know it. The apprehension made him arrest his hand's movement through the air; it was Pandora's Box all over again, and he would release the evils of the world into his household. He chuckled at such dramatics and slit the seal, though still with his heart beating hard and slow.
Consul-Designate Publius Rutilius Rufus, a matter of great urgency concerning the Consuls' inauguration on the 1st of January in three day's time requires our immediate attention. Please assemble at my house, the Domus Publica, as soon as possible. Be it day or night, sunshine or rain or snow or thunder, convey yourself to the Domus Publica immediately.
Lucius Caecilius Metellus L. f. Q. n. Dalmaticus Pontifex Maximus
Publius Rutilius set the letter down gravely. An electoral irregularity was indeed a grave matter; he would hurry to the Forum Romanum with all haste. "Eudamidas," Publius Rutilius commanded, "get your thickest tunic and cloak on, and then ready my own toga and cloak. We're going to the Domus Publica."
Half an hour later they stood in front of the Domus Publica just a bit out of breath, thanking the gods for warm thick felt boots. Eudamidas banged urgently on the door and they were immediately let in by a tired- and harassed-looking doorman. The Pontifex Maximus's steward, not so harassed, waved for Publius Rutilius to follow him, which he did; Eudamidas was left waiting in the reception room.
Publius Rutilius was led to the left, through an open arch to the Regia part of the Domus Publica; the Vestal Virgins too lived in the Domus Publica, separated completely from the Pontifex Maximus except through their own door into the reception room. Through the walls he heard their own shuffling, and some muted whispers.
They quickly came to the atrium, where a large stone brazier had been set up. Around it, all wrapped up in wool cloaks and wraps as if in cocoons, were the Pontiffs Lucius Caecilius Metellus Dalmaticus Pontifex Maximus, Marcus Livius Drusus, Marcus Aemilius Scaurus, Publius Cornelius Scipio Nasica, and Quintus Mucius Scaevola--only Gnaeus Domitius Ahenobarbus Senior was missing. Then there were this year's Consuls Servius Sulpicius Galba--looking dour and with dark circles under his eyes--and Quintus Hortensius--looking very tired and flabby. Last of all were the Consuls-Designate Quintus Lutatius Catulus Caesar and Publius Rutilius Rufus himself.
[Yay name dump!]
"Come join us, Publius Rutilius," said Lucius Pontifex Maximus, wearing the voluminous crimson cloak of his station well upon his frame. "Tonight's one bastard of a cold night."
Not astounded by this familiarity--for in the Roman culture formality often only extended to official missives--Publius Rutilius did as he was asked. When he had vigorously rubbed his hands together and had the warmth flowing through him, Lucius Caecilius began to speak.
"One of our number, integral to the inauguration of the Consuls, is missing today; nor shall we see him alive again."
Gnaeus Domitius Ahenobarbus Senior (589-645) at the age of 56, the day before his death
They immediately began to speak all at once; some in genuine grief, others politely expressing sorrow. Lucius Caecilius, Publius Rutilius noted, had a mischievous glint in his eye to go along with a dutifully sorrowful expression; few people had liked the abrasive, venal, temperamental, and somewhat lazy Gnaeus Domitius Ahenobarbus. Even fewer liked his son, who was likely to take his place. Though it was a tradition not backed up by law, it was still common practice that when a Pontiff died, his eldest son--if suitable and of age--took his place. This kept pontifical power in the same few families, and ensured that the ancient ratio of three Patricians to three Plebeians--set during the Conflict of the Orders over three hundred years ago--remained in balance.
However, there had been slight deviations. Only Publius Rutilius couldn't see why Lucius Caecilius's eye was glinting so. "How did he die?" Publius Rutilius broke the expected chatter.
"In his sleep," said Lucius Caecilius simply. "Coronary failure, stroke, who knows? The God Somnus of sleep delivered him to his brother Mors of Death, and we know no more."
There followed a short silence that was broken by Marcus Aemilius Scaurus, who burst out into laughter. Scipio Nasica and Marcus Livius Drusus, the dead man's best friends, stared at him resentfully until he raised his arms and said, "Okay, okay, don't kill me; but, I do believe I've seen what our Pontifex Maximus is getting at."
Catulus Caesar's lips held a small smile too. "How exquisite," he drawled, "to be rid of that vile temper." He stood taller and shouted, when Scipio Nasica and Drusus began to move, "I do not mean the dead man! Think! What is three days from now?"
"The inauguration," said Consul Servius Sulpicius said quickly, eager to be deemed intelligent, but not having understood.
"What does that have to do with anything?" snapped Quintus Hortensius, whose mind served well in the law courts but not in the political arena. "Who
cares?"
Publius Rutilius, who had been in Africa for the past two years, understood as soon as Catulus Caesar said "vile temper". "Oh, it's wonderful!" he said, and spoiled the fun of the four--for tight-lipped Quintus Mucius Scaevola, while contributing nothing to the conversation, shook in silent mirth--revelers. "An inauguration of any elected magistrates requires the full College of Pontiffs to preside. Since Gnaeus Domitius is dead, you Pontiffs must select a new one within the next two days, instead of being allowed the usual two or three weeks to decide. This means that poor dead Gnaeus Domitius's poor elder son Gnaeus isn't going to be in Rome on time."
Drusus and Scipio Nasica, very loyal to their friend, didn't like it, but the logic could not be fought. There was simply no way for word to be sent to Africa, and then for a man to journey from Africa to Rome, in time for the inauguration. Still, the haughty Scipio Nasica made an abortive attempt all the same: "We could postpone the inauguration and have
interreges appointed by the Senate," he suggested. Drusus immediately latched onto this, but the two were shouted down by the other seven men present, who held no love for Ahenobarbus Junior.
Marcus Aemilius Scaurus hooted, "Try to postpone the inauguration and I'll have my Tribune of the Plebs veto it so fast that your heads will spin!"
"Thank you," said Scipio Nasica icily, "for admitting to being partner to bribery."
That made Scaurus hoot all the harder, and it was this amusement that won Drusus over; for though Drusus had loved Ahenobarbus Senior as a friend, the situation was truly too impossible to go through all the trouble, and have to deal with an unruly young man besides. After this defection, Scipio Nasica too gave in.
Now all--except for Drusus and Scipio Nasica--in a healthy degree of camaraderie after this comedy, they listened to Lucius Pontifex Maximus. "And so, who will replace our late colleague?"
"Well, let's keep it in the family," said Publius Rutilius craftily. "Why not give the job to
Lucius Domitius?" Scaurus burst into peals of laughter again, and even Scipio Nasica had to give an ironic smile.
The five Pontiffs, being Romans all and lovers of the bizarre besides, decided to make Gnaeus Domitius's younger brother Lucius, currently in Rome and all of twenty-eight years old, Pontiff in his father's stead.
Gauda was busy playing the fascinating game of chess, imported from the Seleucid Empire, when he heard the vicious screech from across the Governor's House in Utica. His opponent spun around and Gauda, already desperately looking for a way out of his predicament, found it; he screeched and stood, leaning forward, and thus sent the board flying. His Numidian companion, Nabdalsa, looking dejected, hurried to pick up the pieces of his victory while Gauda hurried to the screech with a smile on his face. Beat the
King of Numidia, would he? Well, that showed him!
The other side of the house being only a few dozen paces away, Gauda reached the doorway to the Governor's Study, which was blocked by several soldiers. "Out, all of you! Idiots, leave, I'm fine!" The men hurried away, well aware of Gnaeus Domitius Junior's temper, and had no qualms about letting him spend his fury on Gauda.
"Why, Governor Gnaeus Domitius, whatever is the matter?" asked Gauda, leaning against the door frame.
Gnaeus Domitius stared with hatred and red-rimmed eyes up at that idiot grinning face of Gauda's. Completely useless, never doing anything productive, and always being taken care of by others--which ironically also described Gnaeus Domitius quite aptly--was Gnaeus Domitius's opinion of Gauda, and it all came to a head today, for two days ago had been New Year's Day.
Gnaeus Domitius had started drinking on the morning of the Eve, and had not stopped until nightfall on January 1st, when he passed out after 36 hours of nonstop drinking. 36 hours after
that, on the morning of January 3rd, he had woken up puking again, and still a little drunk; in addition, there was blood in his vomit and in his stool. Little hammers banged mercilessly in his head and thousands of suns appeared in his eyes at the slightest instigation. Gauda's idiot grin was the icing on the cake.
He rose to his feet and raced to Gauda's side, mindlessly pummeling him with fists and elbows, and then anything within reach. A dozen old missives and letters from Rome were torn up and rubbed into Gauda's wet--from tears and snot--and bloody--from cuts, of course--face. The guards, having let this go on for about a minute, decided to intervene before King Gauda became seriously injured; their real commander, after all, was Quintus Caecilius. What would he think if they let Gauda come to real harm?
They pulled Gnaeus Domitius off of Gauda with difficulty; all the while he screeched, "You're Romans, you're all Romans! Don't stand for this barbarian filth, let me kill him! I'm only here because of him, I could have been a Pontiff!" All his life Gnaeus Junior had lived in the shadow of his father's disappointment; instead of enduring it quietly like Marcus Aemilius Scaurus Junior, he had sought escape through wine and whores, which just added to his father's contempt.
Now, being eclipsed by the younger and more inexperienced Sulla and his own goody-two-shoes brother Lucius--darling of their father--had driven him over the edge. He struggled and struggled, until the twenty guards that changed shifts of holding him back succeeded in tiring him out, and he dissolved into a wretched pile of tears. Warily and wearily, they backed away and left him alone, closing the door behind them. Gauda was by now locked away in his rooms, shakily taking a nice hot bath with two young women.
The Pontiff Lucius Domitius Ahenobarbus upon being selected in 645 AVC, at the age of 28; he was bald his entire life
After many minutes Gnaeus Domitius recollected himself and rose to his full height, which was not so great. "I will destroy them."
Is it too over the top? What do you guys think?