AHC: Star Wars Episode I is...even worse!

Inspired by this thread.

The Star Wars prequels, and Episode I in particular, have been criticized extensively for their myriad of flaws.

Now, without going into ASB-territory, how could the prequels have been even worse than in our world? And what would be the cultural effects of such terribly made Star Wars films?

Seriously, in terms of the expectations of Star Wars fans, I doubt that Episode I could have been much worse than the movie we got a lousy child actor, Jar-jar and midichlorians (assuming it was based on the Lucas canon and the same effort was spent on special effects and production design).

Thinks that could have made it worse:

No John Williams sound track
No Darth Maul
Whoopie Goldberg as a Jedi Master

They certainly could have been worse. Just change a few actors--get rid of Liam Neeson, for example. Turn all the Gungans into Jar Jar Binks. Flashbacks to Infant Ani in order to have even more pointless Jesus parallels. Don't use James Earl Jones in Episode III. The Gigantic NO will be even worse then. More pointless OT cameos--Young Han Solo, for example, in Episode III. Gratuitous ruining of Grand Moff Tarkin. Have a scene where Anakin decides on the babies' names--the fans will be furious if Anakin comes up with "Leia." Use pop-rock-rap music for the sound track.

The effects? I can't see the remaining prequels getting cancelled. George Lucas would fund them out of his own pocket if it came to that. But perhaps the backlash will prevent Indiana Jones 4 from existing. Harrison Ford might decide to stay miles and miles and miles away from any George Lucas project.

Conceivably Lucas could screw up the casting even more than he historically did, handing the role of Obi-Wan Kenobi to someone with significantly less talent than the man who played him in the film we have. That is, Obi-Wan could be played by someone more along the lines of Hayden Christianson. The film could spend more time in the senate and the council. Lucas could keep his original idea that the planet being attacked is called Utapau, not Naboo. At the same time he could decide to allow the people who inhabit the surface of the planet to refer to themselves as the Naboo, and even go so far as to refer to their own planet as Naboo, while everyone else refers to the planet as Utapau, leading to an incoherent incomprehensible mess of a plot in which you never know exactly what planet people are referring to. In later films, Jar Jar could be given a more prominent role.

No John Williams sound track
No Darth Maul
Whoopie Goldberg as a Jedi Master

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AGHGHGHG!!!!!!
My Childhood!!!

They open the cargo ships of the Trade Federation after the war and find their full of crystal skulls, destined for the tourist trade in a distant galaxy, and a small Blue-Green planet known as Urth -- said to be Anakin's mother's home planet.

Okay, maybe that's a bit of a farce, but if Lucas decided he needed to create some connection to Earth, establishing exactly how long ago and far away this was taking place... I think that could go rather horribly.

A young Han Solo who actually meets Anakin, creating still more problems with continuity, or Harrison Ford cameoing as Han's dad.

Garrison said:

A young Han Solo who actually meets Anakin, creating still more problems with continuity, or Harrison Ford cameoing as Han's dad.

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The Millenium Falcon actually makes an appearance in Episode III.

Also, for more fan backlash, Lucas could blatantly contradict the Expanded Universe harder. Say...include a scene where an alien race called the Chiss are exterminated entirely, and the Gungans resettle their planet.

[shudder]

Much fail I see in these ideas.

Give Anakin a female Padawan constantly exasperated at his antics? (Hey I have nothing against Ashoka in the cartoons but in the movies? She's just going to be an irritating little sister)

Swan Station said:

Okay, maybe that's a bit of a farce, but if Lucas decided he needed to create some connection to Earth, establishing exactly how long ago and far away this was taking place... I think that could go rather horribly.

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Thet actually came rather close to happening in the EU. At one point Robert J Sawyer was in negotiations to write a series of Star Wars novels that would have outlined the origins of the Star Wars Universe.

Mike Stearns said:

Thet actually came rather close to happening in the EU. At one point Robert J Sawyer was in negotiations to write a series of Star Wars novels that would have outlined the origins of the Star Wars Universe.

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That link of yours doesn't seem to work...can you try reposting it?

Put Keanu Reeves in it. He has the talent of Hayden Christianson for a higher price. Have Mace Windu always use rhyming jive talk. Rarely mention the names of the new characters, so whenever someone says, say, Mace Windu, people have no idea who they're talking about. It would also make it harder to figure out that Mace Windu is supposed to be a major character if he's played by an obscure actor. Have a make-out scene between between Padme and Annakin in the first film. Hire an older and incompetent actress to play Padme. Have half the movie be about Anakin's life before he met the Jedi. Have Anakin and all the Jedi figure out right away that Palpatine is evil, but pretend they don't, for some reason.

Brady Kj said:

Put Keanu Reeves in it. He has the talent of Hayden Christianson for a higher price. Have Mace Windu always use rhyming jive talk. Rarely mention the names of the new characters, so whenever someone says, say, Mace Windu, people have no idea who they're talking about. It would also make it harder to figure out that Mace Windu is supposed to be a major character if he's played by an obscure actor. Have a make-out scene between between Padme and Annakin in the first film. Hire an older and incompetent actress to play Padme. Have half the movie be about Anakin's life before he met the Jedi. Have Anakin and all the Jedi figure out right away that Palpatine is evil, but pretend they don't, for some reason.

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Nah, have the first half the movie focus almost exclusively on the Gungins. Can you imagine how bad it would be if half the movie focused in on Jar Jar Binks?

Lets start with the cast shall we, by changing the following:

Keaunu Reeves playing Qui gon Jinn
Ashton Kutcher playing Obi-wan Kenobi
Chris Tucker/Any of the Wayans brothers play Mace Windu
Alicia Silverstone plays Padme

As for the movie:

-Almost everything is CGI. Cartoonish, cheesy CGI. Think Final Fantasy: Spirits Within levels.
-Jar-Jar gets even more screentime. Also, all the gungans are like Jar Jar.
-The racial stereotype races like the Gungans or trade federation are even more rascist. Think of how well haveing the trade federationits have glasses, slanted eyes, buck teeth, and speak 'Engrish' would go over, or have the Gungans speak slave-jive.
-John Willaims does not do the score.
-Anakin gets more screen time. There is also a scene where he and Padme kiss. Tongue or no tongue, I'm not sure.
-The first ten minutes are literally trade negotiations.
-The final fight between Obiwan, Quigon and Darth Maul is turned into a long, drawn out negotiation over Jedi/Sith Religious Triestes.
-Darth Maul now talks, and he sounds like Crazy Frog. For that matter, he now looks like a five foot tall Pommeranian.
-The closest thing to a fight scene in the film is the Pod Race.

If we even get an Episode II if all this is done, I'll take it as proof of the non-existantce of God.

thekingsguard said:

If we even get an Episode II if all this is done, I'll take it as proof of the non-existantce of God.

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Either that or God has a very warped sense of humour.

Maybe get rid of Anakin's mom, and now the only person who loves Anakin is his slave master... who also beats him.

And put the characters on the Millenium Falcoln in a team that includes Han Solo, Boba Fett, Greedo, and Jabba the Hutt. All four of those are good buddies. The third movie is basically about a falling-out between the members of the team, and it breaking up into a good group and an evil group.

Brady Kj said:

Maybe get rid of Anakin's mom, and now the only person who loves Anakin is his slave master... who also beats him.

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Wow! That's a really twisted relationship. I wouldn't mind if that was in the movie though. It might explain how Palpatine is able to manipulate Anakin.

Good point. But say it's a romanticized twisted relationship, like Lucas thinks it's healthy.

Brady Kj said:

Good point. But say it's a romanticized twisted relationship, like Lucas thinks it's healthy.

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So, Anakin has the bad luck to be bought someone who's in to bondage? Maybe that might work if the intent was to make Star Whores instead of Star Wars, otherwise, that's just wrong.