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offtopic:goatism

Goatism

A parody religion, bearing the same relation towards Sheepism as Islam does to Christianity.

Goatism is believed by its adherents to be the Final Revelation of Ian (PBUH) to the members of the Board.

Origins

As the legend goes, Goatism was revealed unto the Prophet Flocculencio late one night after he had had far too much to drink while contemplating the false revelation of the Sheep Thread. The Goat appeared to him and, in the words of Terry Pratchett, pointed out that Sheep are stupid and must be driven while Goats are intelligent and must be led.

Thus, the religion of Goatism was born. Flocculencio reigns as the Goatist Caliph, Commander of the Faithful, the Shadow of Goat; his badge of office the mighty, jewel-encrusted turban of the Caliphs of Cordoba wot he bought off some bloke down the pub. He also holds the secular titles of Caliph of Anglistan and Protector of the Gaels.

Tenets

  1. There is no Goat but Goat, and Flocculencio is its Prophet!
  2. Women are soft and smell good and are to be encouraged.
  3. Keira Knightley and Doctor What are to be regarded as saints - St. Keira, Our Lady of Grace and St. Bruno the Undead respectively. The truth of their existence does not detract from the truth of Goatism but rather serves as an example of the way in which the Spirit of the Goat works in the World of Men.

Schism

Nekromans, a Goatist acolyte attempted to assert the primacy of Doctor What within the Faith. The mainstream of the Faith, with the sanction of the Caliph, combated this by asserting that St. Bruno the Undead, was equal to St. Keira, Our Lady of Grace, the other Goatist saint. Thus Keraiite Goatism and Whatii Goatism were born. However, Nekromans was soon distracted by a shiny object and the rift among the Faithful was healed, the two schools agreeing to disagree.

Ghazis

The tumult of the Schism brought to the fore numerous Goatists whose actions to preserve the sanctity of the Faith were rewarded by the Caliph. Among these were Floid who, for his pains was proclaimed a Ghazi.

MrP was also proclaimed a Ghazi at this time but in a later round of religious war showed himself to be the foremost Shield of Goatism. As such, he was given the title of Fidelis Defensor, Defender of the Faith.

The Rise of the Satans

In late 2006, Justin Pickard earned the title of Great Satan through his numerous attacks upon the peaceful followers of the Goat. Though Pickard brooded from afar, the turmoil caused by this led to a second attempt by Nekromans to rebel against the ordained hierarchy of the Faith. Though he had previously sold himself and his womenfolk into indentured servitude to The Bald Impostor, Emir of Iraq, he chafed in his bonds and repeatedly attempted to cause trouble, finally renouncing the Faith and turning to Sheepism.

As such, the apostate Nekromans was excommunicated by the Caliph and given the title of the Lesser (or Leicester) Satan. In recognition of the Bald Impostor's valiant struggle against the rebellious urchin, Caliph Flocculencio created a new office, combining both secular and religious duties- the Balide.

These events were later dramaticised in the plot of the AH.com Series episode “HAIR TODAY, GOTTERDAMMERUNG TOMORROW”.

See Also

offtopic/goatism.txt · Last modified: 2019/03/29 15:13 (external edit)