Table of Contents
After numerous AH.com adaptations of the game Warhammer 40K to mock current political stories (see Running Jokes), Midgard suggested that we should also come up with a version based on AH.com lore and culture itself. This was named 'Banhammer 40K' after Ian's legendary Banhammer, and many people contributed suggestions for what should represent what.
Background so far
The greatest power in the Board is the Administratum, led by the immortal God-Admin of AHKind, Ian, from his Orbital Control Platform (aka the Big Sparkly Chair) above Holy Mosaic Earth.
The Administratum is served by the legions of Ianite Janissaries (eqv to Space Marines). Their chief foe is Logic, epitomised by the four Logic Gods: Thande, Eleven11, Rattslinger and Radical_Neutural. In the distant past, some Janissary chapters defected to the side of Logic in the Collins Heresy, and these Traitor Janissaries continue to serve Logic. However the Logic Gods also fight among themselves. The forces of Logic are mostly based in the Ear of Reason, a region of space which is brain-numbingly predictable and orderly.
FTL travel is accomplished by travelling through the Implausiterium or 'Search'. Ships must be guided through this by the psychic 'Timeliners', whose navigation guild was founded in antiquity by Jared the Great. Timeliners' command of how a timeline can progress from a POD allows them to calculate trajectories. However, ASBs infest the Implausiterium, and their psychic influence - putting an implausible ASB event into the ship's Timeline drives the guiding Timeliner insane and may destroy the ship.
Weapons include Adamantium Chainsaws, Banhammers, Kickboots, Implausibility Guns, Ignore Guns and Blamethrowers.
Aliens in the Board include the Tao or Teu, a scarily social-democratic set of aliens made up of Sinophiles and Eurofederalists; the Trollz, who charge around screaming 'UNIVERSAL HEALTHCAAAAAUUGH!'; the Spammerids, invaders from outside the Board; and the Membar, who are made up of Old Board members. Banned Old Board members, led by Straha, are the Dark Membar.
In ancient times the Board was subject to a war between the two Gaysexual Races, the Kit'Tan and Ottoman Ones. Today, the Nekrons worship the Kit'Tan.
The Administratum is deliberately complex in a HRE-type way. Some of its divisions and agencies include:
Ianite Janissaries: AKA the Adeptus Asshats. The elite armed forces of the Administratum, divided into Legions or Chapters. They all wear unrealistic power armour. (Parody of the Space Marines.)
Robot Revolt: The Adeptus Analyticus. Based on Mosaic Mars, they are responsible for all the electronics and technology in the Administratum, as no-one else understands it anymore and treats computers as though they are inhabited by finicky spirits. So basically like a modern IT crew then. (Parody of the Adeptus Mechanicus.)
NQLA: A secret Janissary army, that cooperates with the Grammar Inquisition; they purposefully hunt out and expose Logic. Hardly seen, but when and where they strike, Logic will vanish.
Neophyte Guard: Aka the Noobs, the much-underrated regular army counterpart to the Janissaries. Founded by Luakel, he of the Mantle of Eternal Noobishness, and led by his cloned descendants. (Parody of the Imperial Guard.)
Ecclesiarchy: The church authority for the Cult of Ian. Led by St Cyril the Inherent.
Great Holy Grammar Inquisition: The Administratum's interrogators. They travel throughout the Admin's worlds, sometimes openly and sometimes undercover. They are ever vigilant for signs of heresy, treason, and the grocer's apostrophe. Led by Grand High Inquisitor Krall Ehportsopa. (Parody of the The Holy Orders of the Emperor's Inquisition.)
Heterosexual Reconquista: A denominational faction within the Cult of Ian that emphasises a rejection of the ancestral Kit'Tan and Ottoman Ones, claiming that modern humans are superior to the Gaysexual Races. Because of this, the Reconquista version of Ianism is most commonly found in the Janissary chapters that are on the front line against the Nekrons or Trollz. The Reconquista's spiritual father is St GBW (a member of the NQLA).
The Four Logic Gods
Thande - God of Blame. His crazed cultists blame him for all the evils of the world, and seek to perpetrate further destruction so that he may be blamed for it.
Eleven11 - God of Backup Plans. Constantly changes his backstory. His followers have the magic power to render the nuclear weapons of the Administratum non-functional.
Rattslinger - God of Poor Hygiene.
List of Ianite Janissary, Logic Janissary Legions and 1 Nephyte Guard Regiment
Sault Ste. Marines: Ianite Janissaries. The oldest, largest, and most Mary Sue-ish legion. None of them ever defect or do anything bad, by Administratum standards. Homeworld: Chersonesus. Colours: brown and blue. Their primarch was Super55 and their current leader is Hermanubis. Rivals of the Steel Buckeyes of Toledo.
Steel Buckeyes: An Ianite chapter hailing from Toledo. Constant rivals of the Sault Ste. Marines. Colours: red and white. Their primarch was luakel and their current leader is demonkangaroo.
The Inevitables: A chapter from the planet Desgundy (Deseret + Burgundy). Their primarch was Imajin and their current leader is Chris. Their main rival chapter is the Caliphs. Their colours are burgundy and white.
Creep Crusaders: Ianite Janissaries. One of the larger and more infamous legions, but also one of the more tumultuous and problematic ones. They are known for their great dedication to the Heterosexual Reconquista and their obsession with anything female (and the resulting scandals and excesses). Homeworld: Gran Desperatia. Colours: blue and black. Their primarch was Ran Exilis and their current leader is thecreeper. They have a fierce and longstanding rivalry with the Baldskulls, whom they accuse of being disloyal to the cause of the Reconquista.
Baldskulls: Ianite Janissaries. Once the champions of the Heterosexual Reconquista, they chose to abandon the cause of the Reconquista as they were outraged by the many scandals and excesses of the Creep Crusaders. They now serve IAN independently and have proven themselves to be excellent at both spotting troll infiltrators as well as fighting off heavy troll assaults. Homeworld: Hornyhelmet. Colours: gold and green. Their primarch was The Bald Imposter. Their current leader is Blizrun.
The Viennese Classics: Ianite Janissary Legion. Their homeworld is The Archduchy. Their primarch was Hapsburg, who rebelled against the God-Admin, but repented. Their current leader is ImperialVienna. Their special ability is Dynasticism (can temporarily take over other legions). Their chief rivals are the Caliphs. Their colours are black and gold and their battle songs are 'The Blue Danube' and 'O Vienna'.
Kill Claimers: Founded by Primarch Admiral Canaris to fight against the Spammerid invasion. They are now led by Alayta. The Kill Claimers are the bitter enemies of the Spammerids and their colours are grey and green.
The Caliphs: From the planet Daralharb, the Caliphs are the rivals of the Inevitables, who call them 'teh evol muslims'. Their colours are green and red. Their first primarch was Ridwan Asher and they are now led by Slamet.
Blame Eaters: Logic Janissaries serving Thande. Colours: Blue and gold. Led by Roberto. Homeworld: Danum, in the Ear of Reason. The great enemy of the Plastic Paddies. They seek to cause destruction so that Thande might be blamed for it. Their magicians are masters of chemistry and the legion is thus resistant to the plagues of Rattslinger.
Mappist Cabal: Originally formed of rebellious units from the Border Guard who embraced the Susanoist Heresy, they reject the Administratum and its 'Space-Filling Empire'. Their primarch was Susano and their current leader is Qazaq2007. Their main rivals are the Border Guard and the Dahm Kazak Bordre Corsairs. They use the same UCS colours as the Border Guard, but with the outlining colours and fill colours reversed.
Verb Vomiters: A Logic Janissary Legion serving Thande. Feared as much as they are respected, these janissaries are notorious for their addictive writing, overloading an enemy's circuits and leaving him wide open to attack as he waits for the next installment. Their primarch is Archangel Michael. Their colours are black and white.
Plastic Paddies: Logic Janissaries serving Eleven11, rivals of the Ubercornubians. Their magicians have the ability to turn enemy units to their side by ridiculously persuading people that they are somehow Irish. Their homeworld is Erin, in the Ear of Reason. Led by EvolvedSaurian. Their colours are green and orange.
The Ubercornubians: Logic Janissaries serving Eleven11. Highly expansionistic, and have a rivalry with the other Absurd Celtic legion serving Eleven11, the Plastic Paddies. Their homeworld is Kernow, in the Ear of Reason, and their leader is Saladin. Their colours are black and white.
The Numbered Sons: A Logic Janissary Legion made up of members with numbers in their names. Their original Primarch was MBarry829, but he later repented, removed the number from his name and came back to the God-Admin's side. They are now led by fortyseven. Naturally, they serve Eleven11. They were accidentally sealed into their armour when someone mistakenly rerouted an AH.com connection through them and they were unable to leave that addictive site. Their colours are blue and grey.
Clone Rapers: A Logic Janissary chapter serving Radical_Neutural. They are made up of traitors from the Creep Crusaders, who are now their bitter foes, and the two represent the light and dark sides of Creepiness. Their primarch is WyldCard4 and they colours are red and orange.
Bad Touchers: Logic Janissaries serving Radical_Neutural, led by Hypern. Battle cry: “We give you teh bad tuch!” Their colours are red and black.
Wiki Warriors: Made up of traitors from the Slavic Brigade, mostly Polish. Their battle cry is 'Citation Needed!' and they dwell on the planet Polonicum in the Ear of Reason. Their colours are grey and white. They serve Rattslinger.
Sons of Byzantium: A Logic Janissary Legion serving 'Logic Undivided', rather than any one Logic God. Their homeworld is Constantinople in the Ear of Reason and their leader is Midgard. Their colours are purple and gold.
The Delegions of Grandeur - Orginally the Admin Poodles, they would have their name changed to the Sons of Collins after their primarch, Mike Collins, led them on sucessful crusades. In time pride lead Collins to the Logic Gods, and they corrupted him. He would instigate the Collins Heresy and attempt to claim the Administratum. However he was slain by the God-Admin, and the rest of his legion escaped to the Ear of Reason. Now Romulus Augustulus leads them as the Delegions of Grandeur in attempts to take the Administratum for the Logic Gods. They serve Logic Undivided and their colours are crimson and navy blue.
Border Guard: A Neophyte Guard regiment. Founded by B_Munro and currently led by euio. From the diamond world of Cartographica. Their mortal enemies are the Dam Kazak Bordre Corsairs (Logic Neophyte rebels) and the Mappist Cabal. They have all the colours of the rainbow, or to be more accurate, the Universal Colour Scheme.
The Kit'Tan: One of the two ancient Gaysexual Races who ruled the galaxy thousands of years ago. Met their end in a great war with the Ottoman Ones. Are now worshipped by the Nekrons.
The Ottoman Ones: The other ancient Gaysexual Race; in a great war, they and the Kit'Tan wiped each other out. The Ottoman Ones were responsible for the creation of the Trollz. (Parody of the Old Ones.)
The Membar: Made up entirely of Old Board members, this old and skilled race is in its decline. Thousands of years ago, they fell into decadent ways, following the path of Pantslessness and its cult leader Diamond. From this decadence arose the Logic God Radical_Neutural. Most of the Membar then repented, while some continued following Pantslessness and became the Dark Membar. The Membar have the strange belief that they live their lives backwards in time, like the trolls in Discworld (reference to the fact that posts read from the bottom upwards on the Old Board). The Membar live on various, scattered Crapworlds. (Parody of the Eldar and their Craftworlds.)
The Teu: (Also called the Tao) A combination of the European and Asian board members. Led of course by Hendryk. The Teu follow the path of Social Democracy, considered evil in the Administratum. They believe they invented everything. (Parody of the Tau.)
Trollz: A mindless race of fighters made by the Ottoman Ones to fight in a war. Now they roam in scattered bands, attacking and pillaging randomly. The Trollz reproduce by cloning, and many of their nests are led by Rockingham clones. (NOTE: Although banned trolls appear in the other factions, the Trollz are supposed to only consist of the boring ones, not the kind who are remembered). (Parody of Orkz.)
Spammerids: Terrifying race of extragalactic invaders from the Nigeria Galaxy. Three different Spamhordes have hit the galaxy over the years - Nokia Horde, iPod Horde and Average Wow Horde. The Spammerids' advance lies through space controlled by the Kill Claimer chapter of Ianite Janissaries, who are their most bitter foes. (Parody of Tyranids.)
Near-humans: There are various abhuman variants, including the Creeps (a parody of Squats).
OLD NOTES (NOW OBSOLETE)
Ian = the God-Admin, the Admin of AHkind
Ianite Janissaries = Space Marines
Mike Collins = Horus
Phonespammers = Tyranids
Thande = Khorne (as in “Blame for the Blame God, Polls for Thande!”)
Chat political circlejerkers = Orks (“UNIVERSAL HEALTHCAAAAAAAAAUUUUGGGHHH!!!”) or possibly Trollz
Thread Necromancers = Necrons (led by Nekromans?)
The Tao = The Tau (made up of East Asian and Sinophile board members).
Cyrrylia = head of the Ecclesiarchy?
Eleven11 = possibly Tzeentch (due to continuously changing his conspiracy theory).
Rattslinger = Nurgle, due to being associated with spectacularly unhygienic roommates?
In AH.com Fiction
The AH.com The Series episodes “MONTANA HOWERY AND THE MANTLE OF N00B” and “THE ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN” represent an attempt to integrate elements of the Banhammer 40K universe into the Series due to “ASB interference” retconning elements of The Vendetta and its people, previously a more straight expy of the Imperium.