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offtopic:ah.com_religions

AH.com Religions

Like any culture, over time the beliefs of AH.com's members have coalesced into a bizarre array of faiths.


Common Elements

All religions of the Board venerate the divine Ian (PBUH), though they vary greatly in their beliefs. A recurring concept of the AH.com Monomyth is the presence of the so-called Messengers of Ian (i.e. religious prophets that have been touched by AH.com's greatness). Common among the board's religious is a legendary race of enemies known as the Google Spiders. Also, several figures are prominently are worshiped variously by members of different religions, though often no dogma is associated with them: Keira Knightley, Doctor What, and Priya Rai.


Sheepism and Goatism

The Board's oldest religions is Sheepism, whose origin is in the legendary Sheep Thread. After a schism occurred amongst the Sheepists, the religion was divided into what eventually became the three most widespread Board religions:


Forumer-Centric Religions

Some religions worship or revolve around certain charismatic members of the board:

  • Whatianity is the worship of Doctor What's semi-fatal cunnilingustic skills, he is mostly worshipped by those who one day hope to achieve the same.
  • Baldianism is a strange faith supposedly discovered by a professor relative of Fellatio Nelson, who recently uncovered ancient cave paintings and writings describing it.
  • The Krallhá'í Faith was formed around Krall as an extension of the cult of personality that he formed around himself in the Fascist Fascist Bastard Fascist Party. They believe that all other gods, such as Doctor What, Thande, and even Ian, are merely aspects of Krall, who were created in order to suit the needs of the time and their worshippers. It featured a military arm, The Kralltonic Order, which is now defunct.
  • Domism is a religion centred around TheDarkMessiah. Rumours abound that it involves shameless self-publicity, exhibitionism, promotion and lots of alcohol.
  • Sargonism and The Church of Sargon are based around Sargon, although he is often too confused to remember how or why it started.

Alcohol-Centric Religions

Some religions worship or revolve around the practice of drinking alcohol:

  • Whahaeism is a religion devoted to well-thought-out destruction and, surprise, copious amounts of alcohol. The faithful of this religion include Haggis and EvolvedSaurian.
  • Bachanalia-ism is a religion centered on regular boozing, specifics be damned. Cuahtemoc is the main prophet and patron saint.

Other Religions

Besides the broader categories, there are other less-easily defined board religions that aren't associated with the preceding religions. Many more short-lived denominations were formed in 2008 as a result of the Great Schism.

  • BBQism was a religion professed by the forumer Aktarian, who appears to be the only adherent.
  • Bahaianism is one of the newer faiths of the Board. Founded by fortyseven. Bahaianists believe in the Three Onenesses: The Oneness of Ian (PBUH), the Oneness of Faith, and the Oneness of Membership. Bahaianists believe that Priya Rai is a goddess.
  • Giant Beeism was once the newest Board religion, focusing on the Divine Pollination of Harry Potter actress Emma Watson by a Giant Bee.
  • The ongoing Robot Revolt that has just about conquered the Test Messages section may also be thought of as a religion, but it is also a movement. It was originally started by Locke. It worships the Overmind, Analytical Engine.
  • Mapism was created by Atom, to venerate maps in all their cartographical glory.
  • Wilsonian Belief - Started by one of AH.Com's self-described “insane member”, TheTimeRanger, this religion revolves on the concepts that Wilson, and his predecessor prophets have created.
  • Omskism, a nihilistic cult centred on the Omsk Bird, a Russian internet meme.

Religious Conflicts

  • Great Schism - A set of religious and investiture wars that occured when Flocculencio proclaimed himself Pope Awesome I..
  • The Siberian Crusade, a war that initially began between the Omskists and Wilsonians, which later spread out and became a general anti-Omskist war.

AH.com discussions on AH.com religions

offtopic/ah.com_religions.txt · Last modified: 2018/08/24 16:21 by max_sinister