VI. In Bed With An Ugly Woman
July 30, 1914
Rome, Italy
“We find ourselves in bed with an ugly woman,” said Nigel as he addressed the esteemed diplomats in the room. “And from my experience, it’s best to just close our eyes, and get it over with.” Nigel Davies was a smooth talker, perhaps one of the most prolific of our time. In fact, in 1912, Old Nige was caught with his trousers down with the neighbor’s missus. After some masterful maneuvering, not only was he off the hook, but they now play cribbage with the Williamses every other Friday. This was the man for the hardest job in the world: fixing Europe.
The diplomats assembled were some of the most influential of their day: German ambassador Prince Bernhard von Bülow, Austro-Hungarian ambassador Kajetan von Mérey, British ambassador Sir James Rennell Rodd, Ottoman General Ismail Enver Pasha, and Swedish ambassador Carl Bildt. “Britain,” Nigel continued, “is in a precarious position, in that we wish to defeat the Russians and punish the Serbs, but don’t want to be involved with France.” The British were absolutely fuming about the assassination of the Archduke, his wife, and young Prince Albert in Sarajevo. With a single car bomb, the entirety of Europe exploded.
“We were well aware of your intentions in Belgium, Prince Bernhard” said Nigel, “and we would have been forced to go to war with you as well.” “I’m glad we avoided that then” said Prince Bernhard quite gruffly. “Now we will not be involved with your shenanigans in France. That is your matter, of which we have no interest.” continued Nigel.
“Now, Ambassador Bildt, when the Helsinki uprising back in October was put down, many of your people were killed, as were some of our folks trying to offer humanitarian aid. Do try to stay out of this as long as you can. If however, the Russians try to pull something, we have a plan for you.” Nigel was referring to Operation Ægir, a multinational naval attack on Russian ports in the Baltic. When Admiral Essen attacked the base in Fårösund, he had no idea he’d be facing the combined naval might of the British Empire, Sweden, and Germany, and that he’d soon find his way to a watery grave off the coast of Latvia.
“Again, I must stress that we have no interest in your little skirmish in Alsace, Prince Bernhard, but I may have some help for you. I have personally sat down with King Victor Emmanuel and Ambassador Mérey, and we have come up with a deal that will be of some assistance to you. Austria-Hungary will cede some lands including the Trento, Bolzano and Trieste areas in exchange for some of the Italian territory in North Africa. In addition, there will be no hostilities between the Kingdom of Italy and the Austro-Hungarians. If the Italians should so choose, they can help the Germans in France, although we are officially not involved in any of this, and we never had this conversation.”
“Now the reason we invited you Enver Pasha, is that we need you to attack the Russians in the Caucasus and Black Sea with the help of us and the Italians. In exchange, all we ask for is to respect our holdings in the middle-east. Simple enough, right old chap?” There was a palpable feeling of mistrust between the Pasha and the British, but it would have to be good enough for now. “Well, if we’re all quite happy here, we have to declare war on Russia and Serbia, and I have a cribbage game to get to.”