WI: Hitler has only got one ball

[Daniwani]

Apparently I'm feeling rather cheeky tonight. Suffering from another severe bout of sleeplessness, I found myself watching some Armstrong and Miller. Eventually I found myself getting up to the skit about the old Colonel Bogey March parody; and so this has come of it.

Just for fun, how are things effected if in say, some time in 1942 before or during the peak of the Third Reich, it becomes known in Germany that Hitler, as the song goes, has only got one ball. How does this effect German Moral? does anyone give a shit? how would the state react to this information being leaked? how about the allies? (a particularly rousing question, as the song was written in 1939).

 

[Uhura's Mazda]

When exactly does Hitler lose his testicle? If it was crushed when he was a child, or if he was like that from birth, then its fair to say that he wouldn't be so aggressive in his rise to power, given his relative lack of testosterone. OTOH, maybe his deformity would give him an inferiority complex... which would explain some of his loopier beliefs. Anyway, according to the song, his mother cut it off when he was small. If we take this as read, then Adolf's OTL close relationship with his mother would be disturbed - he certainly wouldn't have been so supportive during her mastectomy.

If, on the other hand, the teste was removed somewhat later, possibly due to cancer, and it ended up in, for instance, the Albert Hall, then he would lose all credibility among his militaristic supporters. And, as a side effect, the Albert Hall could charge people for seeing it, and make some money on the side, so classical music would receive a pecuniary boost during the 1940s and beyond. This could radically change British popular music - surely such a dreadful tune as the Colonel Bogey March wouldn't remain as popular if the Albert Hall had a proper outreach initiative.

Now, if Goring, Himmler and Goebbels are also orchidally challenged, then there are precious few non-deformed Nazi leaders who can replace Hitler once his condition is made known. Perhaps Frick, Bohle, Donitz, Bormann, Heydrich (depending on the date in 1942), Alfried Krupp or Johann von Ribbentrop. But really, the Nazi party itself has been decapitated/castrated, and it has lost collective credibility. So I'd see a pro-Peace but still far-right administration under somebody like Rommel (who was rumoured to have extra bollocks) in the short term, at least.

 

[Daniwani]

Hitlers ball somehow stolen away by the bloody Albert hall, I have to say that's properly twisted. The whole idea with his mum would be pretty disturbing. What if say, it was lost heroically in the first world war? Realistically, we can still have an aggressive history sans a bit of extra testosterone.

For this WI, I suppose the rest of the lot can be optional, I considered putting them in but eh, ya know.

But to raise an /actual/ half interesting question, could having only one ball really discredit him so much that he'd be bloody usurped? I'm finding this a little hard to gauge, particularly with the Nazis.

 

[Aber]

I assume Goebels would be really worried...

 

[Uhura's Mazda]

Hitlers ball somehow stolen away by the bloody Albert hall, I have to say that's properly twisted. The whole idea with his mum would be pretty disturbing.

The first version I heard was this:

Hitler has only got one ball
The other is in the Albert Hall
His mother, the dirty fucker
Chopped it off when he was small

There's a second verse from the Aussies in North Africa which goes a little something like this:

Rommel has 4 or 5, I guess
No one's quite sure 'bout Rudolf Hess
Schmelling [a boxer in the Wehrmacht] is always yelling
But poor old Goebbels has no balls at all!

It isn't a very polite song in any form

I suppose even if he did lose it in the line of duty, its not something he's going to brag about. The Nazis were all about virile, manly, unharmed Aryan men, and frankly, the masses aren't going to be that pleased about being led by a guy who is not only non-blond, but also a mediocre soldier (hey, he got shot in the dick, for Christ's sake!) and furthermore an inadequate procreator in a country where women got medals for birthing 9 kids. Think of it like ancient Germanic and Celtic kingship: you lose an arm, you lose your army. So yeah, either Army morale collapses and the allies reach Berlin in 1943, or someone with an eye towards the public mood deposes the Fuhrer pronto. For maximum Anglophone comedic value, that someone should be Bohne (Boner) or Frick (guess).

 

[Sharunaku]

The first version I heard was this:


There's a second verse from the Aussies in North Africa which goes a little something like this:


It isn't a very polite song in any form

I suppose even if he did lose it in the line of duty, its not something he's going to brag about. The Nazis were all about virile, manly, unharmed Aryan men, and frankly, the masses aren't going to be that pleased about being led by a guy who is not only non-blond, but also a mediocre soldier (hey, he got shot in the dick, for Christ's sake!) and furthermore an inadequate procreator in a country where women got medals for birthing 9 kids. Think of it like ancient Germanic and Celtic kingship: you lose an arm, you lose your army. So yeah, either Army morale collapses and the allies reach Berlin in 1943, or someone with an eye towards the public mood deposes the Fuhrer pronto. For maximum Anglophone comedic value, that someone should be Bohne (Boner) or Frick (guess).

Ernst Rohm was still around when the Nazis came to power, remember the "blonde like Hitler, slim like Göring, tall like Göbbels and virile like Röem"? The effect would be minimal.

 

[Orville_third]

I assume Goebels would be really worried...

Considering he had several children, he'd either be content with having illegitimate kids, or something too strange to contemplate.

 

[MrHaakwood]

Old German sketch with that topic:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EaOQc1nK0ag

.....I only have one ball and therefore we are going to war........If Hitler had a better Balldoctor the history of WW2 certainly would have looked different.

 

[Realpolitik]

*Sigh*. I'll be the resident buzzkill. Maybe Hitler had a thousand balls sprouting off his thighs. Does that help explain why and how he did what he did?

I keep seeing stupid stuff about Hitler all the time online, far more of it than the important things. The fact is, the guy was a normal man, who laughed, cried, joked, cursed, yelled, got embarrassed, was matter of fact, flirted, got bored, was nice to kids, insulted subordinates, had a (yes) normal sex life with a younger mistress, like countless other powerful men in history... stupid shit like this makes us forget. He didn't appear as a demonic figure from a cloud of smoke, so different from normal ordinary good human beings like you and me. That's important. That should make it all scarier and more resonant.

This quote should be forced into every human mind:


"If only it were all so simple! If only there were evil people somewhere committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?"


The Gulag Archipelago, Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn.

 

[Emperor Julian]

*Sigh*. I'll be the resident buzzkill. Maybe Hitler had a thousand balls sprouting off his thighs. Does that help explain why and how he did what he did?

I keep seeing stupid stuff about Hitler all the time online, far more of it than the important things. The fact is, the guy was a normal man, who laughed, cried, joked, cursed, yelled, got embarrassed, was matter of fact, flirted, got bored, was nice to kids, insulted subordinates, had a (yes) normal sex life with a younger mistress, like countless other powerful men in history... stupid shit like this makes us forget. He didn't appear as a demonic figure from a cloud of smoke, so different from normal ordinary good human beings like you and me. That's important. That should make it all scarier and more resonant.

[/B]

What the Hell are you talking about? How are people asking "What if Hitler was publicly exposed as having some sort of deformity or mutilation to his genitals?" at all related to people trying to portray him as some sort of "demonic figure from a cloud of smoke"? Some other people made the consideration of "How would losing a testicle at a young age change Hitler's behavior?" which is an equally valid question, because, as you said, Hitler was only human and being severely mutilated at a young age would affect his behavior. Have you actually read any of the posts in this thread, or did you skim the title, assume that the purpose of this thread was some sort of "Hitler only did what he did because he had some special evil", and then go off on your little rant?

 

[Legend-in-Exile]

*Sigh*. I'll be the resident buzzkill. Maybe Hitler had a thousand balls sprouting off his thighs. Does that help explain why and how he did what he did?
[/B]

Well a thousand thigh balls would give his system a huge amount of extra testosterone presumably, and would likely lead to some mental instability. So yes a thousand thigh balls would go some way to explaining what he did.

Emperor Julian is right for the rest though, not sure you read what was actually being discussed.

And finally to answer along the lines of others, if Hitler only had one ball then the version of the song in that timeline would likely assert he had none.

 

[Realpolitik]

Because I've met way too many people who actually did think he had only one ball, in OTL.

To answer the thread, in the Third Reich, they'd censor that, quick. Plain and simple. Anybody who jokes about that during the war will be dead or in a camp wishing they were dead. It'll be taboo.

 

[Daniwani]

*snip*

Yes it certainly is awfully low brow. As for the whole blonde issue, i really don't think that, outside of it being seen as a special, characteristic, purely Germanic gene (because you know, it's not like every second one of those subhuman slavs are blondies), I really don't think any importance was placed on it at all.

And finally to answer along the lines of others, if Hitler only had one ball then the version of the song in that timeline would likely assert he had none.

*snort*

*snip*

Right, I have to say I was quite confused by this post, are single testicled men supposed to be monstrous or something? This thread, largely in the spirit of an old, very vulgar, very immature British wartime diddy, is simply asking the question "What if Hitler really did have one ball", or in more detail, what would the general reaction be, especially in Nazi Germany, if such a thing was discovered and made well known.

If this thread however was say; "Monorchism to explain Hitlers Fiendish lack of basic Humanity?" or "Hitler's villainous, nay demonic nature a result of a lonely testicle?", then perhaps I could see where your coming from, but really.

Because I've met way too many people who actually did think he had only one ball, in OTL.

To answer the thread, in the Third Reich, they'd censor that, quick. Plain and simple. Anybody who jokes about that during the war will be dead or in a camp wishing they were dead. It'll be taboo.

I was very much unaware people legitimately believed this, but again, I'll have to question whether or not society at large equates mono-balled men with Satan. As for your answer, that's what I thought. Regardless of (generally inconsistent and acceptation riddled) Nazi Ideology or belles, I really don't think that Hitler would lose the support of his people and party for the lack of a ball, especially if it was realized he was lacking one all along.

 

[PandaRosa]

Kids would go right on singing that silly song, and know they were right all along.

 

[Kammada]

When exactly does Hitler lose his testicle? If it was crushed when he was a child, or if he was like that from birth, then its fair to say that he wouldn't be so aggressive in his rise to power, given his relative lack of testosterone.

Don't buy too much into that testosterone thing. Franco has actually got one ball (hence his squeaky voice, among other things), but that didn't prevent him from starting a bloody civil war and happily executing the opposition for ten years or so after the war was over.

 

[Daniwani]

Don't buy too much into that testosterone thing. Franco has actually got one ball (hence his squeaky voice, among other things), but that didn't prevent him from starting a bloody civil war and happily executing the opposition for ten years or so after the war was over.

Wu Zetian didn't have any, amongst a number of other big name violent historical figures.

 

[GeographyDude]

What I've head, is that once a man have enough testosterone past a certain threshold, the excess doesn't make any difference. That is, a man can have good health, good sexual function, good everything with just one testicle.

But, Hitler would try and overcompensate and World War II and the Holocaust would be even more of a catastrophe.

PS Another interesting aspect is that both women and men have both estrogen and testosterone, just that the ratio is different.

 

[Daniwani]

What I've head, is that once a man have enough testosterone past a certain threshold, the excess doesn't make any difference. That is, a man can have good health, good sexual function, good everything with just one testicle.

But, Hitler would try and overcompensate and World War II and the Holocaust would be even more of a catastrophe.

Nodding his head, Hitler gives an approving look over the Schwerer Gustav, stroking his chin in a fashion most satisfied.

"It'll do boys, It'll do."

 

[jmc247]

Hitler has only got one ball
The other is in the Albert Hall
His mother, the dirty fucker
Chopped it off when he was small

Rommel has 4 or 5, I guess
No one's quite sure 'bout Rudolf Hess
Schmelling [a boxer in the Wehrmacht] is always yelling
But poor old Goebbels has no balls at all!

So that would mean Goebbels aid who was sleeping with his wife had his children.

 

[Generaloberst]

The first version I heard was this:


There's a second verse from the Aussies in North Africa which goes a little something like this:


It isn't a very polite song in any form

Every version of that song is honestly just hilarious.