"What Madness Is This?" Redux: The Complete Timeline

[Napoleon53]

"The said States hereby severally enter into a firm league of friendship with each other, for their common defense, the security of their liberties, and their mutual and general welfare, binding themselves to assist each other, against all force offered to, or attacks made upon them, or any of them, on account of religion, sovereignty, trade, or any other pretense whatever. The President of these United States in Congress Assembled, elected for four years at a time by the Members of the Congress Assembled, is to keep these Articles observed and to be chief negotiator of state relations, captain of international diplomacy, and has the right to form alliances, form trade agreements, and go to war upon consent of the Congress here Assembled on this day in the Year of Our Lord, March the First, Seventeen Hundred and Eighty-One, and all future Congresses Assembled, So Help Us God."

-Articles of Confederation and Perpetual Union


"What Madness Is This? That brother might fight brother, and father might fight son? That countless homes and families be ripped asunder all for the sake of their piece of dirt? of their political party? Why must we hate each other so?"

-Thomas Jefferson


"Gentlemen! I give you American justice! Down with these traitors who send us to die in wars of uncommon stupidity! Down with those that defrauded our democratic system! Down with those who delay our veterans' blood-wages year after year! Down with the President! And let's hang that bastard Hamilton!"

-Willard Crawford, leader of the 1801 coup that overthrew the United States government​

OFFICIAL TIMELINE TRAILER​

A WARNING FROM THE MADNESSVERSE

FUNDAMENTALISTS TRAILER​

"WHAT MADNESS IS THIS?"
REDUX: THE UNION FOREVER

Preface:​

I want to thank all the wonderful commenters and readers who helped make this timeline so fun and interesting, if very dark and dystopian, to write the first time and now the second time. Here's to a fresh take on an old favorite, everyone! Expect classic characters, such as the unforgettable Chuck Oswald, Joe Steele, the Prophet Burr, and, of course, good ol' Colonel Charles Goodyear to return, plus lots of new ones too! Hang onto your blood-spattered tricorns and start bowing to your radioactive statues of Billy Graham, because here we go!​

WHERE THE MADNESS BEGAN:
HARD TIMES IN THE LIVINGSTON SUGAR HOUSE

​

Rusty, squeaky chains clinked as the prisoners were forced into their cells. The air was a foul, musty, dusty, rotten-sweet, stagnant cloud that could barely be inhaled without wretching. Straw covered hard, cold floors. The man looked around. He had gone from Vice President of the United States in Congress Assembled to a prisoner in a moldy jail in the capital of that very nation he governed. His name was Alexander Hamilton, and America had just about had enough of him to last a lifetime. The other prisoner joining him was John Adams, the President of the United States in Congress Assembled, and a bungling, inept, power-hungry one at that. "If Adams had done as he was told more," thought Hamilton, "we wouldn't be in this rancid dungeon." The date was May 18, 1801, and Willard Crawford was currently leading Revolutionary War veterans in a massive coup against the failing fledgling US government. The rest of the United States to the south was currently rapidly disintegrating as well.

The guard--a gaunt unshaven chap wearing a brown coat of the minutemen volunteers and a worn black shako hat--shoved Hamilton to the floor. "You bloody tropical bastard! This is on you.!" He pointed a crooked, calloused finger at the Vice President while mocking his Caribbean birthplace. "You'll hang for your crimes, you trickster. This whole bloody country wants your guts on a fork. Enjoy your vacation here, damn-your-eyes."

Adams stood tall and proud, even in chains. His periwig was a mess, however, and his navy blue breeches had gravy stains from the luncheon he had been arrested at. "You absolute rapscallion, you! I shall have you keelhauled for accosting us like this! This is MY country! Do you know how much I sacrificed?!"

The guard looked at him straight in the eyes. Slowly, the guard replied, "Yes, I know how much you sacrificed. Your soul, your honor as a gentleman, and whatever goodwill the American people once had for you. I lost my right foot at Valley Forge, and not for you to just destroy everything. Rot in Hell, traitor!" With that, the lanky minuteman closed the heavy iron cell door and locked it behind him. His jackboots, one filled with a wooden prosthetic, clunked away down the creaky floorboards of the Sugar House.

It had all spiraled out of control. From the moment George Washington stepped down as president, things had gone down a crazy, looping pit of self-destruction for the infant nation. The fact that President Washington was able to masterfully keep the states united while following the Articles of Confederation and Perpetual Union (despite his own supreme hatred of said document) was emblematic of the man's personal strength of character, mental fortitude, and extremely capable political skills. Other Presidents of the United States in Congress Assembled had preceded him, but none had been given so much power to consolidate the nation's strength, or really much power to speak of at all. Washington had gotten all of the Thirteen Colonies to agree with the Articles and had served two terms, even keeping wild cards Maryland and Rhode Island in the fold of the faithful. When he stepped down after completing his second four-year term, he was visibly aged and losing his vision. He claimed that, while he served in the name of the Articles, they simply were a poor excuse for something such a large government should operate on. He also claimed that, "The States will walk all over future presidents. I pity the men who get my position. God bless and keep them." The Good General also worried that future presidents might find a way to abuse their power under pretense of not having enough power granted to them, which was one reason why he stepped down after his second term, hoping to set an example to those who would follow.

The portly man from Braintree, MA, who was eager to get into Washington's seat of power was none other than one of the very men whose political maneuvering had prevented the adoption of a document stronger than the Articles: John Adams. He had very little in common with Washington when he served as his vice president; another of Washington's ideas was to have presidents and vice presidents be from opposing parties or ideologies. Adams, however, wasn't about to pick Thomas Jefferson, even though he was the writer of the Declaration of Independence (which was a much more popular and purposeful document than the Articles ever were). Many were avidly campaigning for Jefferson to get the job, but Adams would have none of it. The two men simply did not get along. In fact, they hated each other. Washington was accommodating and listened to what Adams had to say. Jefferson, to Adams, was a self-righteous Anti-Federalist and had come close to screaming in Adams' face when the Federalists blocked the request from Washington for a new "Constitution of the States." Adams and his men knew that if the Articles went down, so would they, and their dreams for a strong centralized government later on down the road would be over, and a more free, more liberal government would be formed.

Alexander Hamilton
​

So, when Alexander Hamilton was picked by Adams as his Vice President, it came as little surprise to most. Hamilton was a quasi-monarchist who had advocated for an American King years before. Loved by some, hated by many, Hamilton was a target for severe political attack, but the Federalists were determined to pull him and Adams over the finish line... by whatever means necessary. The Federalists outright bribed Congressmen to get votes. When Jefferson requested that an amendment be made to the Articles allowing "free and fair elections by the people of these States," the Federalists had difficulty taking him seriously. Surely, they thought, putting the right to vote for who would be President in the hands of the uneducated mobs was a pure and terrible folly, and all manner of raucous crackpots and lunatics could run. Then, oily Hamilton arrived at a new idea. A very, very corrupt idea, but it was for "the Good of the Union."

Fraunces Tavern​

The idea was to allow the Jeffersonians to go ahead and amend the articles allowing for a popular vote on who would be the next president. Federalists would then stuff the ballots for Adams and Hamilton to keep "those lunatics Jefferson and Madison" from attaining power. After all, there had never been popular elections before, so no one would notice a few "kinks in the system." Adams and a small group of elite Federalists, including Hamilton, Thomas Cotesworth Pinckney, and Rufus King, gathered in Fraunces Tavern, in the adopted Federalist capital of New York City, for a mini-convention, very much behind closed doors and in the shadows. The group referred to themselves as "The Friends of the Union." In secret, the men discussed their "ingenious" plans over some ale, and laid out the plot. Hamilton took charge, with Adams being reluctant at first, being somewhat honest even if he was power-hungry. A few others resisted as well. Hamilton eventually browbeat them into accepting it "in the name of the public good." The Federalists were what America needed, he proclaimed, and the Anti-Federalists would bring about the "promiscuity of the States." An ironic line, considering Hamilton himself was the bastard son of two loose persons in the Caribbean colonies. More plans were drawn up to prevent any more Federalists than necessary from learning of the plot, only letting enough know to carry it out.

Strong, centralized government was the motto among the Friends of the Union, even though they knew it would not be popular among the people to phrase it that way. So, they promised whatever the people wanted, knowing it wouldn't matter in the end. Benjamin Franklin finished assisting the Congress in drafting the amendment that enabled elections and then, loosing his balance and falling down the steps in front of Independence Hall, died two days later. James Madison delivered his eulogy and published The Dear Old Man, a short book on his dealings with and admiration for Franklin, and dedicated it to "Benjamin Franklin, the American Prometheus."

Adams liked the Old Man as well as anyone else, but Franklin had sided with the independents like Washington, and more-than-not drifted toward the Anti-Federalists. Plus, the last thing Adams and Hamilton needed was for Franklin to use his genius to figure out the ballot-stuffing and give some wise quip, bringing the entire Federalist Party into the gutter. Yes, Franklin's death was quite convenient for them, no matter how sad.

When it came time for the election, only white males over the age of twenty were allowed to vote. When the votes were being counted at their respective state capitols, the Federalists went to work. Stuffing, erasing, re-writing, and voting multiple times. It was a dark day of cheating, bribery, and outright corruption on an incredible scale unseen before since the days of Rome. The cheating was accompanied by an unimaginable amount of anti-Jeffersonian propaganda, accusing the Declaration of Independence author of outright atheism and of fornication with his female slaves. Adams and Hamilton knew, though, that if too much of the vote percentage went for them, people would become suspicious. So, they had dispatched orders to make sure it wasn't a ridiculous victory. They thought 60, 65, or 70 percent of the vote would seem believable but strong. Yes, around that number would provide a sham mandate for Federalist programs and policies. Thus, three weeks later, when all was said and done, John Adams became the Seventeenth President of the United States in Congress Assembled, and Hamilton became the Vice President of the same.

List of Presidents of the United States in Congress Assembled:​

• Peyton Randolph (September 5, 1774 - October 22, 1774) Virginia
• Henry Middleton (October 22, 1774 - October 26, 1774) S. Carolina
• Peyton Randolph (May 10, 1775 - May 24, 1775) Virginia
• John Hancock (May 24, 1775 - October 29, 1777) Mass.
• Henry Laurens (November 1, 1777 - December 9, 1778) S. Carolina
• John Jay (December 10, 1778 - September 28, 1779) New York
• Samuel Huntington (September 28, 1779 - July 10, 1781) Connecticut
• Thomas McKean (July 10, 1781 - November 5, 1781) Delaware
• John Hanson (November 5, 1781 - November 4, 1782) Maryland
• Elias Boudinot (November 4, 1782 - November 3, 1783) New Jersey
• Thomas Mifflin (November 3, 1783 - June 3, 1784) Pennsylvania
• Richard Henry Lee (November 30, 1784 - November 4, 1785) Virginia
• John Hancock (November 23, 1785 - June 5, 1786) Massachusetts
• Nathaniel Gorham (June 6, 1786 - November 3, 1786) Massachusetts
• Arthur St. Claire (February 2, 1787 - November 4, 1787) Pennsylvania
• Cyrus Griffin (January 22, 1788 - November 15, 1788) Virginia
• New Amendment to Articles allows four year terms with no limit on how many times someone may run
• George Washington (April 30, 1789 - March 4, 1797) Virginia
• New Amendment to Articles allows election by popular vote
• John Adams (March 4, 1797 - May 18, 1801) Massachusetts

Jefferson had suspicions, but he was not willing to accuse anyone without absolute proof and had no desire to spark a civil war or riots. They had a few squealers who mentioned something about the Federalists running a cheating ring, but when several Democratic-Republicans were also caught with their hands in the cookie jar in a number of locales, Jefferson and Madison conceded defeat and vowed to run and win the next time, fair and square. They had no choice but to be quiet about the rumors or else drag their own party down, too.

With Adams and Hamilton in the Presidential Mansion, the Federalists entered their own metaphorical high castle on a hill and started, after a few months, to drift farther and farther away from political reality. Before long, every governing body in the country was stacked with Federalists and these ill-gotten gains had the Federalists running victory laps all around Philadelphia, the national capital. And that leads to one of the first acts the Federalist government ordered: that the national capital and capitol be moved to New York City, the heart of the Federalist Party.

But now, back to where our story began. Hamilton and Adams were sweating it out in the Livingston Sugar House, lying on straw mats and listening to the sounds of rats scurry through the walls. It was over for their time in power. Their ultimate fate would be revealed soon, and the future of North America--and even all of human civilization--would be set in motion....

Emblem of the Federalist Party

George Washington announces he will not seek a third term in this early 19th century painting​

 

[Napoleon53]

OVERTHROW, 1801:
"HANG THE BUGGERS!"

Minutemen stand ready to overthrow the US government and imprison the President and Vice President, 1801
​

The year of 1801 was the brutal finale for the Old United States. The economy was in the metaphorical toilet, the homeless and jobless rates exploded, and the French conflict was an undeniable defeat and national humiliation. French and Spanish soldiers were regularly making incursions upon American soil, not with the intent of conquering--for the two European countries had more than enough restless territory on their hands--but to force Adams to agree to a humiliating peace. The French were willing to be lenient on the US, as there was no real damage done to them or theirs. The Spanish, still seething over the Louisiana attacks, wanted more of a punishment for the feckless Yankees.

The punishment came in the form of gradual payments to France and larger, quicker economic payments to the Spanish Crown, agreed to at the Second Treaty of Paris, which pushed the US economy further into the abyss. Adams' and Hamilton's government was completely destroyed. There was no way to fix the economy. Outright anarchy was spreading across the land and Indian attacks were becoming more and more frequent on the frontier. It was hopeless. Finally, a Federalist official and member of the Friends of the Union had been beaten by a mob until he had spilled all the details of the Federalist rigging system. It was only a matter of time before someone took matters into their own hands to get rid of the Federalists once and for all. That someone would be a 54 year-old former New York Army colonel turned farmer named Willard Crawford.

That same Willard Crawford stood in the morning sunshine in full vintage Continental Army uniform. He took a deep breath. He was just four blocks from the Presidential Palace. Four blocks from removing the cancerous United States government once and for all. He knew news would be breaking soon of Andrew Jackson pulling the Carolinas out of the US. He knew the end was near for the Grand Experiment. He knew that that morning, May 18, 1801, would be the last day that the cheaters and frauds and Federalists would ever sit in the Presidential Mansion. He took a step back and said a short prayer to himself. Then, the middle-aged ginger-haired man turned to his veterans companions and said, "Well, gentlemen, I suppose we're about to overthrow Johnny Boy and Alexander. Top of the morning and all of that rot, what? Let us march forth with honor, in the name of liberty."

The streets were desolate. Everyone had locked up as the mobs of minutemen had come streaming into the city. Now, hundreds of patriots from near and far had come to follow Crawford and remove the Commander-In-Chief. Crawford gazed out at the sea of care-worn faces. Other men were also wearing their old revolutionary uniforms. Others sported their everyday attire but carried their powder and pouches of musket balls, almost making them look like pirates. Still others wore second-hand British and French uniforms. Even a few pieces of Spanish equipment could be seen, acquired during the disaster in Louisiana. Some men carried axes, others sword, some braces of pistols. Banners from every group under the sun were flying in the breeze. There was, however, a severe lack of the national flag. Crawford realized these men thought the country was finished. They were ready to just remove the cancer and attempt to pick up the pieces of what was left. Quietly yet with his mind racing, he went and heaved himself up onto his horse. He galloped to the place he thought the most men would hear him. He raised his bicorne hat above his head and declared, "Gentlemen! I give you American justice! Down with these traitors who send us to die in wars of uncommon stupidity! Down with those that defraud our democratic system! Down with those who delay our veterans' blood-wages year after year! Down with the President! And let's hang that bastard Hamilton!" The men went absolutely mad over that battle cry and surged forward, war drums setting the beat of their steps.

As Crawford's men began their march to the Presidential Mansion, the Mansion itself was in chaos. As Adams received word of the the coup gathering just a few blocks away, he stood up from his table suddenly, spilling scalding-hot gravy all over his trousers in the mayhem. "Confound it all!" he shrieked, erupting into a near panic attack. He grabbed the overturned gravy boat and hurled it across the room, shattering it into a thousand pieces. "Guards! Defend the Mansion! Defend your government and do your duty! We must secure a route to Canada and build a government-in-exile!"

Hamilton barged into the room immediately after and announced, his face pained and pale, "John! It's over! They've sealed off the streets. We can't escape."

Adams took a Russian-made sword down from his wall, a gift from an ambassador. "We will never surrender! We will not give up power to a bunch of ignorant boys and old men who don't even know what is good for them. We built this country, you and me! And I'll surely welcome myself to Hell before I allow these rapscallions to take it from us!"

An officer in a bright blue and tan uniform and shako hat approached, saluting and declaring, "My men are already taking their positions, your excellency. We will shoot out of the windows and make them pay dearly for attacking their President."

Meanwhile, Crawford was already closing in, tightening his vice on the Mansion and totally surrounding it. Hundreds of men were ready to finally get rid purge America of the the Federalists forever, at whatever cost. Crawford could see the Mansion now, muskets and long rifles bristling out of its windows. Almost as soon as he saw a puff of smoke come from one of the windows, ascending through the air like a tiny cloud, a musket ball came whistling past his head. "Men of the Militias! Forward! Fire at will! For our liberties and our wives!" screamed another mounted officer nearby, waving a sword in the air the attack began in earnest.

The din of battle grew tremendous as the main body of the rebel militia fired into the Mansion and others tore down fences and gates blocking their path. Dozens of men were already dropping. But they pressed on, determined now more than ever. Crawford galloped forward on his brown stallion and jumped over a failing piece of fencework. Whooping and hollering, packs of rebels followed him into the breach. More bullets sent up little puffs of dirt all around. Blood spattered into the air as the meaty smacks of the musket balls driving through charging men could be heard by the second. And still they pressed on. The militia rebels busted down the front door of the Mansion, knocking one off its hinges and crushing a Federalist marine. They all cheered and bayoneted their way past several more of the terrified guards. Adams already knew he was finished. The loyalist troops were already almost completely slaughtered and there he stood in the hallway with a Russian fencing sword and an Ottoman flintlock pistol. Just as he thought about joining the last few Loyalists in death by charging into the fray, the doors of his vault-ceiling hallway flew open and in came Crawford, still on his horse, its hooves clunking on the polished wood flooring. Adams laid down his weapons. It was over.

"John Adams! Formerly known as the President of the United States in Congress Assembled!" Crawford shouted, pulling a paper out of his blue and gold coat. "I hearby do serve you your arrest warrant for high treason on the behalf of the sovereign people of New York and indeed the entire nation! Where is Alexander Hamilton?"

Adams sighed, but then he pointed to Hamilton's hiding place one room over. The "American Talleyrand" was found in a fetal position inside a wardrobe, weeping. Minutemen slapped chains on both of them shortly. The Federalist usurpers were then thrown in a carriage and whisked away to the Livingston Sugar House Prison. And that was that. The collapse of the Old Republic was underway in its realest sense.

It came not too soon. Indeed, the nation was already splintering into secessionist movements. Andrew Jackson was in the midst of calling for the "Emergency Congress of the Carolinas" to decide upon the next course of action on the path to becoming an independent nation. Radicals in Virginia had already tried to call for secession in 1800, and the state also about to move to vote to leave the USA. In fact, in order to claim they did it first, Virginia made 1800 their official year of independence, but it was not proclaimed for good and in seriousness until May 28, 1801, ten days after the overthrow of the US government by Crawford. Overwhelmingly, the individual counties of the Carolinas voted to leave the United States, forming the Confederation of the Carolinas, and the delegates from both states then elected Andrew Jackson as Emergency Chancellor. A democratic election would be held as soon as the new nation stabilized and was satisfied the USA would not try to resist their path of self-determination, as Crawford was a heretofore unknown political creature. The frontier territorial disputes between the two Carolinas were solved upon independence, forming the State of West Carolina (also sometimes known as Tennessee or Centralia), which also joined their Confederation.

Confederation of the Carolinas​

Georgia, now cut off in every way from the USA, also formed its own republic. The Republic of Georgia was quite large, stretching from the Atlantic to the Mississippi. West Florida, which had been a haven for pro-American Louisianans, rebelled against Spain, and with Georgian assistance formed the West Florida Republic. It took up Georgia's entire coastline on the Gulf of Mexico, but Georgia and its traders were allowed to freely come and go into West Florida, making future Georgian annexation almost impossible to avoid. Georgia had considered joining the Confederation of the Carolinas and creating a slave-holding super-state known as the "Southron Confederacy," but that issue was pushed to the back burner as the ongoing collapse of the USA was making large unions look pointless and weak.

The new "government" of New York City decided they would hold off on a trial until the the country's messes could be sorted out. Hamilton, Adams, Tom Pinckney, Rufus King, and many others continued to languish in the Livingston Sugar House for several months, eating gut-wrenching gruel and moldy bread and drinking moldy, fetid water out of rusty tin cups. However, when Rufus King was let out of the prison for a few minutes to get some air following an asthmatic attack, a mob rushed the guards, seriously injuring one, and ripped King limb from limb. The gruesome scene was quickly ended by another platoon of guards, but King was well and truly dead. Bits and pieces of the man could be seen all over the street. Lynchings reached epidemic proportions. Federalists were seen as traitors to be killed immediately, even if most claimed they were innocent and were not aware of the voting fraud. Hundreds fled to Canada, to seek refuge in Quebec City, joining many Royalist Americans who had fled there 20 to 30 years earlier.

Finally, the trial was agreed to be held on July 4th. The Federalists in the Sugar House knew nothing good was going to come of it. The blue-coated New York constables came and escorted them out of the jail. Professional soldiers formed a wall around them, making sure no radicals tried to kill them all before the trial. However, many of the citizens seemed willing to let the trial go on as planned, just so they could see Alexander the Ungreat and Octavian Adams answer for their deeds.

The trial was, by all means, largely a joke. John Jay, the quite moderate judge placed in charge of the proceedings, tried to be fair, but he couldn't hold out against the tide of revenge wanted by the Jeffersonians. The Democratic-Republicans sat in the boxes in the upper floor of the courthouse, cursing and blaspheming the Federalists' names. Ironically, Jefferson and Madison wanted the country to repair itself and exile the Federalists to South America or Europe, but their followers were out for blood. The cacophony of boos and hisses and the innumerable death threats shouted from the upper floor gave even the French Revolution a run for its money.

​

John Jay
​

Adams was marched to Jay first, where he was told to explain himself and the reason for his actions. He stammered and stuttered something about "love of country" and "tried my best" and then, pointing at his Vice President, his voice rising to a falsetto Cockney-Bostonian screech, exclaimed, "Hang Hamilton! Not me! This was all his idea, the disgusting snake! He plotted it out at Fraunces Tavern in '96! He was the puppet-master, controlling and manipulating the party like some sort of madman! Hang him, sir! I have only done what I been have been threatened or bullied into doing! I love this country! Hang Hamilton the Traitor if you must, but please spare this Son of Liberty!"

The cries that arose from the Federalists' area were furious, and they countered that Adams had been complacent and even helped as much as he could in the scheme. Hamilton, by all accounts, just sort of sat there, his face in his hands, watching his carefully planned plot collapse around him. The jury immediately voted to execute Hamilton, and he was dragged out, his body like a rag-doll, to the front of the courthouse. A noose was draped from a branch, and Willard Crawford's drummers sounded the death beats. Hamilton looked at the crowd gathered around him. Then, slowly, he spoke. "I wish I had something to say that would redeem me in the eyes of all of you gathered here today. That you would think of me as a Patriot. That I would go down as a hero to all. But I can't. And I'm beyond caring. You people don't deserve me, and you'll never appreciate or even understand my genius. You vipers and jackals can go straight to Hell, and take this sorry excuse for a country with you!" As soon as the words were out, Crawford twirled his sword blade downward, signalling the executioner to pull the lever. Alexander Hamilton's neck was snapped instantly. He hanged there limply for a few minutes before being cut down and thrown into an unmarked ditch. His body was never found again.

The other Federalist leaders joined him over the next few hours, each hanging on the same branch. Finally, Adams' turn was up. After speaking for about ten minutes (Jay had allowed him twenty), the restless crowd of radicals stormed the courthouse and dragged Adams out. He was shrieking and screaming as tar and feathers were dumped on him, as fists hit him, and finally as a young man ran up and stabbed him in the stomach with a small dagger. The attempted assassination would not kill him, as the assassin was restrained, but, bleeding profusely from the wound, the noose was tightened around his neck, and the 17th and last President of the United States in Congress Assembled was executed. John Jay and the authorities barely put up a show of resistance to the mob action, as they knew they might get called "Federalist sympathizers." The United States was over. Believing now that their loyalties belonged to their own state, Jefferson and Madison quickly departed to their Virginian home to try and restart their grand idea....

 

[Napoleon53]

DIGGING A GRAVE FOR A NATION:
HOW IT ALL WENT WRONG

John Adams, last President of the United States of America in Congress Assembled


"Then we'll make them exist."

-Vice President Alexander Hamilton on the non-existent US Army and Navy​

The first international crisis to hit Adams was right after he took office in 1797. It was something that had been going on for a decade in Europe and that George Washington had tried to distance himself from as far as possible. The French Revolution had toppled the out-of-touch Bourbon King Louis XVI and beheaded him and his family in the most glaring act of regicide to ever sweep Europe since the days of the English Civil War. The whole of Europe was engulfed in war as the French tried to imitate their American cousins across the Atlantic... only they added more blood and much, much more beheading. Guilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette, French Hero of the American War for Independence, had taken it upon himself to return to his homeland to be the "George Washington of France." He seemed, however, to go off track fairly soon, and after 1790 and the Feast of the Federation (which was the establishment of a constitutional monarchy), Washington's adopted son lost power to much more radical men, men like Maximilien François Marie Isidore de Robespierre, who turned around and beheaded Louis. It wasn't long after that Lafayette was deemed an enemy of the French Republic and a monarchist and executed, severely damaging ties with the USA even further.

The Marquis de Lafayette

Robespierre
​

After Robespierre's own execution a short while after that, the Committee of Public Safety which had long governed France lost power, and was succeeded by the less-radical Directory. Less-radical or not, the American public loathed the French Republicans. Washington and Adams' diplomats told them that America's war debts were owed to the Bourbon French Crown, not to the Directory or Revolutionary government. France became enraged and French citizens burned American flags and effigies of American politicians in the streets of Paris, Lyons, and many more cities across the Republic.

What followed was known as the R.S.T. Affair. The R.S.T. Affair took its name from the letters R, S, and T, which were used instead of the French ambassadors' real names in documents released by Adams' administration. In the documents, the oily and infamous Monsieur Talleyrand, French Foreign Minister, demanded that America stop following the Madison Treaty of 1794, which made Great Britain America's chief trading partner. France was furious over the treaty, and as French and British ships seized trading vessels dealing with their enemies, 300 American ships were captured or sunk and their crews held for ransom or pressed into service. Talleyrand demanded not only money to pay that ransom, but also money to even begin bargaining in the first place, and then more money to pay off the now legendary war debts from the American Revolution. Adams, thinking the same way as most all of the American public, was massively insulted, and refused to kowtow to the Directory. Adams was willing to accept the imprisonment of the sailors, thanks to Hamilton discussing it with him. Hamilton promised that the sailors, as neutrals, would remain in prison until the next French government took power and tried to get in the USA's good graces ("and they always do"). This, however, was very much a rock-and-hard-place for Adams, as he looked strong to France while looking weak for not getting American boys back by force if need be.

French Foreign Minister Talleyrand​

Not agreeing to play Talleyrand's game incensed the Directory even further. On July 4, 1798, off the coast of southern Ireland, the USS Trenton was sunk and the USS Charleston was captured by 12 French Republican Navy warships after some sort of insult shouting match grew out of control. The French had killed much of the crews, and among the dead was US Ambassador to France and devout Federalist, Charles Cotesworth Pinckney. His brother Thomas would later be a part of the Friends of the Union group under Adams.

C. C. Pinckney
​

The American public cried out for war, but Adams hesitated. If he declared war, it would likely entail an Anglo-American Alliance, something which made him and many other people uncomfortable, to say the least. The Madison Treaty had already made them appear a British satellite to most eyes. Hamilton was not sure what to do, for once, and simply sent the Directory an order to hand over every hostage and forget America's war debts and in exchange the Pinckney Affair would be forgiven. France bluntly refused and guillotined the captain of the USS Charleston as a response.

Finally, he and the Congress opened discussions with the British Empire for a possible alliance to punish France. King George III, growing more wild and insane every day, suddenly broke the deal, much to the disdain of his ambassadors. They said if he was of his right mind, he would have agreed, but his insanity did not void his orders as monarch. Britain was not going to ally itself to the USA, that much was now clear to the government in New York. Adams fumbled day after day as public outcry grew against his bungling of the RST and Pinckney Affairs and his own growing human rights violations, like his imprisoning of Worthington the newspaperman for simply mocking him in print "during a time of national crisis."

Hamilton had a new strategy. If America would be preoccupied fighting off the French, the people would be less inclined to quarrel over "petty politics." Adams retorted by saying the US Army and Navy was almost nonexistent. Hamilton replied simply: "Then we'll make them exist." Adams smarted back again, saying that there were no young officers to lead them "after they are made to exist." Hamilton retorted that old Revolutionary War officers could be called out of retirement, and that France's star general, Napoleone di Buonaparte, was entrenched in an Egyptian adventure, surrounded by Lord Nelson's British fleet. Hamilton went on, formulating crazy ideas as he spoke, telling Adams that it was now a "perfect" time to seize Louisiana from the Spanish, allied to France by the Treaty of San Ildefonso. Adams couldn't believe what he was hearing, at least at first. Then, he brought the elderly Washington out of retirement and told him to prepare to invade Louisiana and told Admiral John Paul Jones to ready the "fleet" to combat the French Republican Navy. Washington and Jones couldn't believe what they were hearing either. Hamilton was having a go at being the American Talleyrand, and it would end in one of the biggest disasters in history.

John Paul Jones​

"Grand Marshal of the Armies of the States by Congress Assembled Mustered"
-awkward title given to George Washington, show here as he inspects the troops in Georgia​

And so, on January 1, 1799, the US government rang in the New Year by declaring war on the Republic of France and the Kingdom of Spain. The Downfall of the Old Republic had begun. The grave was being dug. The undertaker was ready.

Thomas Jefferson and his Anti-Federalists said the war was utterly and reprehensibly stupid, and that Adams had been brainwashed by Hamilton into thinking the tiny USA could become a military giant overnight. As for Hamilton himself, they said he was simply an egotistical incompetent who had lost his mind playing some feverish game of wits with the French Foreign Minister who outclassed him in every regard. Some arrests were made of Jeffersonians for "seditious speech and slander against the President of the United States in Congress Assembled." More outrage followed. Adams just locked himself up in the Presidential Mansion with his advisers and stayed there, far from the public eye. Hamilton continued directing affairs, becoming the real leader of the government and assuming a vast amount of power under the guise of "wartime security matters."

On March 5, 1799, the US Army crossed the border into Louisiana, the men eager to fight under the Great Washington, and most expected quick victories. They weren't disappointed when, at what the Americans called the Battle of Alligator Ridge, a "Spanish" force was absolutely dismantled by Washington's "genius." In reality, it had been only a small detachment of scouts, most not even Spanish but native Creoles and Indians, who had been making camp and were simply slaughtered in their sleep in a surprise attack. Washington marched his men into the mouth of Hell at the Battle of Boggy Swamp (March 20), where the Spanish were defeated but still handed the Americans an ungodly amount of casualties, followed by the Battle of Port Richelieu (March 28) in which the attempted sacking of the Spanish port ended after several failed artillery barrages and infantry attacks (the Battle of Port Richelieu also entailed a minor naval debacle on the American side as some small warships attempted to barrage the coast but were sunk by nearby Spanish vessels). If the US command had had any sense, they had two options. For option one, they could have attempted a landing near New Orleans, which, if conquered, would have meant the end of Spanish rule. The other option would have been an attack on the sparsely-populated north, which would have eventually resulted in American rule everywhere but New Orleans (which would enable an easy capture of the city at a later date).

Instead, they opted for a third option and, as Jefferson put it, the war was an unmitigated military disaster consisting of American soldiers wandering around swamps, getting shot at by Spanish scouts, and dying of dysentery. The elderly Washington said, "The boys just need to show some gumption. If they do that, Louisiana is ours." 2500 American soldiers had been killed. 1800 Louisiana Royal conscript troops had died, mostly militia, and made the formerly friendly Francophone population hate the Americans. Not helping matters was the continual breakdown of the chain of command, as soldiers from some states refused to follow orders from officers of others. A particularly nasty episode involved the raping of some twenty women by several "Green Mountain Boys" from Vermont. They had refused to stop raiding a small village upon being told to do so by a Virginia officer. Shortly thereafter, the Virginia officer had them executed. Vermont was up in arms over the matter, and Virginia refused to reprimand their man for enforcing the code of conduct. This was merely foreshadowing events that would happen years later.

The Battle of Boggy Swamp​

The final nail in the Louisiana Invasion coffin came in December, 1799, when the legendary George Washington was shot and killed by an Indian scout. An ironic death, considering Indian scouts during the French and Indian War had deliberately picked off his commander, General Braddock, yet spared him deliberately. The nation wept bitterly as their hero's casket was marched home and buried at his Mount Vernon estate. The Invasion was over, the exalted commander and revolutionary icon was dead, and massacres of several towns by fuming American soldiers exiting the Spanish colony left the Louisianans bitter and wanting revenge.

Meanwhile, Admiral Jones had proven himself a genius at avoiding sending the pitiful "US Navy" to the bottom of the drink, despite many of its inept commanders' seemingly suicidal tendencies. A series of naval retreats and then long-distance rocketry attacks had harassed and annoyed the French and saved American ships and souls. He was the only naval commander during the Franco-American War who actually won any battles.

Hamilton was not happy though. He demanded Jones pick an "easy" target and attack outright, guns blazing and announcing that America was still in it to win it. The disastrous Battle of Port Richelieu had just occurred at that point, and the public needed something to cheer about. Protesting vehemently, Jones refused to go on a suicide run. Hamilton had him removed and replaced with the pitiful Admiral Nathanael Butterworth. Butterworth followed orders and attacked a French fleet south-west of the English Channel and lost half his ships. The US Navy drifted back to New York Harbor beaten and bloodied, and it was announced that it wouldn't be a seaworthy fleet for a year. The US Navy was dry-docked. Adams and Hamilton were mortified.

Spanish troops hold fast against an American attack​

The American public was furious with the Adams Administration and open calls for impeachment became commonplace in everyday life. Thomas Jefferson's support reached new heights, and James Madison began referring to Hamilton as "Alexander the Ungreat." Napoleone di Buonaparte had, on October 9, returned to France and shortly thereafter set himself up as dictator of the country, and he was not pleased with the nascent Americans being a pain in the country's rear. Buonaparte did not even consider it an actual war or campaign worth fighting and thought more of the United States as a small child that needed a whipping to behave.

The election of 1801 was fast approaching, and the Federalists knew they were going to lose in an unimaginable landslide. But they would win thanks to voting fraud, said Hamilton, just like the first time. This time, though, the citizens were suspicious and very much on guard for treachery. Minutemen announced they would make sure the election was on the up-and-up. Adams sank into a deep depression and just before the campaigning season announced to friends he was dropping out to make room for Hamilton and Rufus King to run. Hamilton panicked and barely convinced him to stay on board, as Hamilton was so unpopular that if he won by any percentage the people would know it was fraud.

And here they both were now, back where this story began, rotting in the Livingston Sugar House.

"Damn it, Hamilton," moaned Adams while trying to find a clean spot on the floor to sit down. "This is all your fault. I could be back in Braintree by now retired and enjoying my family. Instead you dragged me into this game of yours. I hate my life and I hate you and I hate this godforsaken country full of godforsaken ingrates who hate us. We should have just stayed under King George instead of dealing with this... this, quite frankly, sir, this shite."

Suddenly, a ruckus could be heard out the single barred window of their cell. A crowd was gathering outside, obviously not in a good mood. Adams figured they were coming to jeer at them in their cell or to storm it ala Bastille and put their heads on pikes. However, the President noticed they were all going on about something else. "He's done it! Andrew Jackson has done it!" yelled one citizen, holding a newspaper high over his head out on the cobblestone street in front of the Sugar House. "Andy Jackson is leading the Carolinas into secession! The whole bloody country is falling apart! The paper says Vermont and Virginia are next!" The crowd reacted with shock and anger. Almost immediately, they turned to the Sugar House and began pelting it while yelling curses and death threats as the crowd erupted into violence. They all knew two men were to blame for everything unfolding. And they would have their necks.