Victorian Britain tries to colonise Bismarck's German Empire

Well, there's no doubting that this would be a fun TL to read, and I'm not going to deny that I love a good Britwank, but aside from the fact that after the Franco-Prussian War the Germans were the most powerful land force in the world, and Britain remained (as it always was) a Naval power with a small Army and limited military traditions, the very best Britain can hope for is the Germans giving them a pasting.

As others have called it above, conquering small or developing nations was seen as okay, but looking to conquer all of Europe - as Napoleon did - is just going to unite the whole world against you.

“Limited military traditions”?? Wow that’s as barmy as saying Queen Victoria is going to invade Germany or some nonsense.
 
The British royal family were Germans. Be a bit weird to colonize your own people, I'd imagine.

Other than that, the German army was quite large, larger than what Britain had at that point, and the Germans aren't going to be surrendering when their sovereignty is at stake. They have an easier time mobilizing while Britain has to ship troops from all over and land them (unless they're landing in Belgium, which would have its issues with such an arrangement).
 
Also relevant:

"Herr Bismarck, what would you do if the British Army landed in Europe?"

"I'd have the Belgian police arrest them."
 
"My Kaiser, the British have ships on the coast"
"Oh that is quite concerning, is it a blockade"
"No it' an.....invasion"
"Hahahahahahaha....oh you're serious, well let's kick their asses"

And many British asses were then kicked the end
 
The best better would be for some formal union of Hannover and Britain (meaning union of goverment not just the Crowns)
 
Considering Britain has just gone crazy and tried to throw the balance of power in Europe out the window it seems like it would end how Napoleonic France ended
 
Considering Britain has just gone crazy and tried to throw the balance of power in Europe out the window it seems like it would end how Napoleonic France ended

Hey, I just had the best idea for an ASB TL. An ASB causes Queen Victoria's sense of critical thinking to go down the drain, leading to her deciding that they need a second jewel in the British crown, leading to her tricking Parliament into abolishing itself and making her absolute monarch and then getting her most competent staff to figure out how to somehow colonize the most powerful land power in all of Europe. Bismarck himself gets wind of this plan and laughs hysterically about it, assuming it's a joke, until he's informed that yes, Queen Victoria did say that on the public record. Eventually, through a combination of working with the French (who aren't happy about any of this), backstabbing the French, working with the Russians (and then backstabbing the Russians), working with a 30 year early anarchist/communist Russia (Because that makes perfect sense - and then betraying them), working with the Americans (and then reclaiming the treasonous colonials as rightful British clay), Germany, completely sane during all of this, finally realizes what's going on, and tries to sue for peace, only for Queen Victoria to begin the draconian rule of the British Central Europe Company, followed by the British Reich.

The title: "A Stupid Plan - Executed to Perfection".


Someone should make something like that, tbh?
 
Hey, I just had the best idea for an ASB TL. An ASB causes Queen Victoria's sense of critical thinking to go down the drain, leading to her deciding that they need a second jewel in the British crown, leading to her tricking Parliament into abolishing itself and making her absolute monarch and then getting her most competent staff to figure out how to somehow colonize the most powerful land power in all of Europe. Bismarck himself gets wind of this plan and laughs hysterically about it, assuming it's a joke, until he's informed that yes, Queen Victoria did say that on the public record. Eventually, through a combination of working with the French (who aren't happy about any of this), backstabbing the French, working with the Russians (and then backstabbing the Russians), working with a 30 year early anarchist/communist Russia (Because that makes perfect sense - and then betraying them), working with the Americans (and then reclaiming the treasonous colonials as rightful British clay), Germany, completely sane during all of this, finally realizes what's going on, and tries to sue for peace, only for Queen Victoria to begin the draconian rule of the British Central Europe Company, followed by the British Reich.

The title: "A Stupid Plan - Executed to Perfection".


Someone should make something like that, tbh?

*Queen Victoria doing her best Emperor Palpatine impersonation*

"Prime Minister, execute Order 66"

"Yes my Queen"
 
Considering that colonization was based on the idea of the white man's burden and the need to Christianize the world in rhetoric and in practice it served as a way of exploiting less developed areas of the world...Britain wouldn't 'colonize' Germany.

Not even for several reasons.

First of all queen Victoria does not decide. Her prime ministers decide if what she suggests is accurate or not.

Secondly, the Prime minister politely explains to Victoria that this would not be accurate and not in Britain’s interests, nor consistent with Britain’s diplomacy.

Thirdly, if Victoria insists, then the Prime minister realizes that she is unfit for her royal duties and Britain’s ruling elites know how to deal with such a situation. And Victoria may end like George III or Edward VIII, that is her son Edward VII becoming either regent or directly king after his mother is forced to abdicate.
 
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