Victorian Britain tries to colonise Bismarck's German Empire

Maoistic

Banned
Let's say Queen Victoria decides that the best way of ridding herself of her most powerful rivals, the powers of Western Europe that were trying to carve up their own colonial empire, is to colonise Europe itself, and that in order to do this, she first has to invade and conquer Bismarck's German Empire after watching how it decisively defeated the French in 1871.

What do you think it would happen?
 
Let's say Queen Victoria decides that the best way of reading of her most powerful rivals, the powers of Western Europe that were trying to carve up their own colonial empire, is to colonise Europe itself, and that in order to do this, she first has to invade and conquer Bismarck's German Empire after watching how it decisively defeated the French in 1871.

What do you think it would happen?

Considering that colonization was based on the idea of the white man's burden and the need to Christianize the world in rhetoric and in practice it served as a way of exploiting less developed areas of the world...Britain wouldn't 'colonize' Germany.
 
English Army never makes it more than a mile inland before getting crushed. If anything, this (practically impossible) event might actually backfire and lead to Germany demanding extensive colonial cessions "or else." It also will perhaps keep Russia in the German camp since Germany woulda just beat the two most powerful empires in the world.
 

Maoistic

Banned
Considering that colonization was based on the idea of the white man's burden and the need to Christianize the world in rhetoric and in practice it served as a way of exploiting less developed areas of the world...Britain wouldn't 'colonize' Germany.
Let's assume it would happen in this case provided Britain can defeat Germany.
 
Let's assume it would happen in this case provided Britain can defeat Germany.
You're missing the point. The very definition of colonialism means that 'colonizing Europe', in the context of the age of imperialism, is not just extremely unlikely, but completely against the very definition of the word.

The only PoD far back enough to allow that would butterfly away the very concepts of imperialism and colonialism itself.
 
Let's assume it would happen in this case provided Britain can defeat Germany.
I apologize for responding to a message not directed at me, but if England is able to get a foothold in continental Europe with an expressed intent to expand, the British empire is not long for the world.

The issue is that this is not "colonization." This is "conquest." It's why England could gobble up all of India without anyone caring, but Napoleonic France could conquer around half of Europe and have most 'the earth have an aneurysm trying to stop him.
 

Maoistic

Banned
You're missing the point. The very definition of colonialism means that 'colonizing Europe', in the context of the age of imperialism, is not just extremely unlikely, but completely against the very definition of the word.

The only PoD far back enough to allow that would butterfly away the very concepts of imperialism and colonialism itself.
Colonialism doesn't refer just to the non-European world. It's a system of conquer and exploitation that can be applied everywhere. In fact Ireland has been referred to as a British colony.

In any case, this is just pure semantics and has no real bearing on the scenario at hand. Do you think Bismarck could have repelled a British invasion?
 
I apologize for responding to a message not directed at me, but if England is able to get a foothold in continental Europe with an expressed intent to expand, the British empire is not long for the world.

The issue is that this is not "colonization." This is "conquest." It's why England could gobble up all of India without anyone caring, but Napoleonic France could conquer around half of Europe and have most 'the earth have an aneurysm trying to stop him.

This is all accurate, Aqua, thank you for responding, here. I feel like OP is having a bit of trouble understanding spheres of influence, contemporary justifications for colonialism, the economic purpose of colonialism, and the like.

There's a reason why the Brits could colonize Ireland but not Germany.
 
Okay, but why could they not do that to Germany? You haven't discussed the topic of the thread.

Because Ireland was in Britain's sphere of influence and had been subjugated by Britain for centuries.

Neither of these things were true about Germany, even ignoring that Germany was a great power in its own right. Napoleon tried what you're suggesting when Germany was divided and it lead the entire world to team up against him. Germany would not even be divided here.
 
Okay, but why could they not do that to Germany? You haven't discussed the topic of the thread.
Ireland had a lower population that Britain, was not attached to the European mainland, had much less industry, had warring states at the period of colonization, was rhetorically "inferior" in British parlance, and was conquered in order to be economically exploited. Even then some historians argue they weren't colonized. Germany is none of these.
 
Okay, but why could they not do that to Germany? You haven't discussed the topic of the thread.

Because Germany is a large, heavily populated, industrial great power. This is like asking "why doesn't the US conquer and colonize Russia"? Britain would have to effectively start and win WWII all by themselves in the late 1800's.
 
Because Germany is a large, heavily populated, industrial great power. This is like asking "why doesn't the US conquer and colonize Russia"? Britain would have to effectively start and win WWII all by themselves in the late 1800's.

I mean, to be honest, I'd read that TL, if only in a ridiculous sense. Like how I'd play Saints Row.

"Queen Victoria, what's the plan for the day?"

"We're going to colonize Germany?"

"....Why?"

"Because fuck the Kaiser."

I'd read the heck out of that TL.
 
This probably belongs in ASB. Britain did not have the means to conquer Germany and even attempting to do so would be utterly alien to the thinking of Victorian Britain.
 
the Russians helped the Germans because they do not want to have a border with the British Empire. I also do not know if the British have enough soldiers to defeat Germany and occupy the country.
 

Maoistic

Banned
the Russians helped the Germans because they do not want to have a border with the British Empire. I also do not know if the British have enough soldiers to defeat Germany and occupy the country.
Couldn't the British just gather soldiers from their colonies?
 
Hey, if someone wants to write a TL in which Queen Victoria decides that the Germans are racially inferior and basically comparable to black people or some shit, Bismarck's getting too big for his britches, and that FUCK THE KAISER, I'd totally read it. I'd write that, it'd be amazing if done as a parody of Britwanks or an absurdist thing, I just don't know enough about the time period.

"So, the Queen's decided to start a war with Germany."

"Why?"

"She said that we subjugated India and made it into the Jewel of the British Crown, but what kind of crown only has one jewel? So, obviously we needed more jewels."

"Which means that we had to invade Germany?"

"No, it means we have to colonize Germany."

"What's the difference?"

"You invade white people."

"Germans aren't white?"

"Haven't you read the latest in Phrenological Anthropology Monthly, Sir Hottington? P-shaw. And you call yourself a man of science. The brightest minds of London have discovered that Germans are as related to the negro as the Irishman, based on the foolproof science of phrenology."

"Well, if that's what the science says. TO WAR!"
 
Well, there's no doubting that this would be a fun TL to read, and I'm not going to deny that I love a good Britwank, but aside from the fact that after the Franco-Prussian War the Germans were the most powerful land force in the world, and Britain remained (as it always was) a Naval power with a small Army and limited military traditions, the very best Britain can hope for is the Germans giving them a pasting.

As others have called it above, conquering small or developing nations was seen as okay, but looking to conquer all of Europe - as Napoleon did - is just going to unite the whole world against you.
 
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