Under Center: The NFL In The New Millennium
- Thread starter Calcaterra
- Start date
I'm glad you asked. First, I would like it to be known that Aaron Rodgers played the role of Omar Ulmer in Inglourious Basterds. Sunday Night Massacre is a parody sports film about a Sunday Night Football game, ala Airplane! with the disaster genre, in which Aaron Rodgers is "George Rourke" the idiotic quarterback for the "Chattanooga Thunder" and Marlon Wayans plays "Battling Frankie Randolph", the washed-up quarterback for the "Louisville Colonels". Danny McBride and Tracy Morgan play the commentators, while Martin Lawrence and Gabriel Iglesias play the teams' coaches. The Last Breath of Martin Lawrence is a documentary film about comedian Martin Lawrence, a Hollywood friend of Rodgers', and his efforts to reclaim fame after his career begins to drastically decline, focusing on his attempts to revive his popular TV show Martin. Rodgers is a large part of the documentary and is present often with Lawrence, who refers to him as "AR". Both Massacre and Last Breath received critical acclaim, and Martin is revived soon after the documentary airs.
Shaq, Kobe and Lebron all on the Lakers? Be still my heart, even if it is sad to see Shaq still split later.
I wonder if staying on the Lakers - with Phil Jackson still pushing Shaq to stay healthy and fit - might have prolonged his career, and boosted his numbers a bit.
I wonder if staying on the Lakers - with Phil Jackson still pushing Shaq to stay healthy and fit - might have prolonged his career, and boosted his numbers a bit.
His numbers are better, but he becomes more injury prone after the initial injury vs. the Sonics. He still competes at a high level, but he retires earlier after being traded and rebuilding the Hornets, as he has more rings and more credit.
Shame he left right before the three-peat though. That's just bad timing.
Chapter Fourteen, Part Three: Bengals Meet, Gatorade #2, & The 2014 FFL Season Opener
April 17-19, 2014: The Cincinnati Bengals meet with Ereck Flowers, Derek Carr, Teddy Bridgewater, Jadeveon Clowney, and Johnny Manziel. They first meet with Flowers, who makes a great impact, showing great maturity and intelligence in understanding the playbook, and ending the meeting with “I can promise you that if you don’t draft me, I’m going be the all-time pancake leader against your team.” Derek Carr promises that he can bring the franchise’s offense back, and claims that he could bring a Lombardi to the franchise within five seasons. Teddy Bridgewater claims that he can work with the offensive line to piece together a winning franchise, and promises a winning season within two years. Jadeveon Clowney says that the secret to winning in their division will be a deadly defense, and he is just the dynamic player to make them lethal. Johnny Manziel says “Let’s tear this league up” and advertises his durability and dual-threat strengths.
April 30, 2014:
Gatorade #2
Hi, LeBron here (slam dunks a basketball). You know me as King James, President Point Guard, and Mr.MVP (shoots hole in one). What you don’t know is why I’m here (hits home run). Lemme tell you. I’m on your screen because I want to tell you my secret, the key to my success: Gatorade (jumps hurdle). Gatorade helps me accomplish all my goals, it’s a mix of electrolytes and great taste that feeds my competitive drive (hits hockey puck into the net). Take it from me, it works.
May 4, 2014: In the FFL’s Primetime Slot on ESPN, the 2014 FFL Season begins, with the New York Knights defeating the Houston Roughnecks, 44-11, as Jimmy Garoppolo passes for two touchdowns, an interception, and 302 yards, while Tyreek Hill rushes for a touchdown and 44 yards, in addition to receiving for 86 yards and a touchdown.
April 30, 2014:
Gatorade #2
Hi, LeBron here (slam dunks a basketball). You know me as King James, President Point Guard, and Mr.MVP (shoots hole in one). What you don’t know is why I’m here (hits home run). Lemme tell you. I’m on your screen because I want to tell you my secret, the key to my success: Gatorade (jumps hurdle). Gatorade helps me accomplish all my goals, it’s a mix of electrolytes and great taste that feeds my competitive drive (hits hockey puck into the net). Take it from me, it works.
May 4, 2014: In the FFL’s Primetime Slot on ESPN, the 2014 FFL Season begins, with the New York Knights defeating the Houston Roughnecks, 44-11, as Jimmy Garoppolo passes for two touchdowns, an interception, and 302 yards, while Tyreek Hill rushes for a touchdown and 44 yards, in addition to receiving for 86 yards and a touchdown.
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Sorry... Washington Football Club. Foreskins is just what they were called in the media before the name change.
Chapter Fourteen, Part Four: The 2014 NFL Draft, 2014 FFL Week Two, Expansion Plans, & Gatorade #3
May 8-10, 2014: With the #1 overall pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the Cincinnati Bengals select OT Ereck Flowers out of the University of Miami, Florida, considered an uninspired but safe pick, due to Flowers’ great college success, and the league-worst offensive line in football, widely considered the greatest fault of this Bengals team, which has Tyrod Taylor as their now firmly entrenched starter. With the #2 overall pick, the Pittsburgh Steelers (from Detroit) trade up to select QB Derek Carr out of Stanford. With the #3 overall pick, the New England Patriots take QB Teddy Bridgewater out of UCLA. With the #4 overall pick, the Detroit Lions (from Pittsburgh) take DE Jadeveon Clowney out of South Carolina. With the #5 overall pick, the Arizona Cardinals select DE Demarcus Lawrence out of Boise State. With the #7 overall pick, the Kansas City Chiefs select QB Johnny Manziel out of Oregon. With the #9 overall pick, the Chicago Bears select LB Ryan Shazier out of Indiana. With the #10 overall pick, the Los Angeles Rams (from New York Jets) take DT Aaron Donald out of Ohio State. With the #16 overall pick, the Indianapolis Colts (from Las Vegas) select LB Khalil Mack out of Ohio State. With the #30 overall pick, the Los Angeles Raiders select WR Odell Beckham Jr. out of LSU.
May 11, 2014: In the FFL’s Primetime Slot on ESPN, the Salt Lake Legion (1-0) defeat the San Diego Chargers (1-0), 22-18, as Dak Prescott passes for two touchdowns and 279 yards. After the game, Prescott announces “The Legion is here to stay. We ain’t no number one pick anymore. This is a championship organization, and Mr. Huntsman has let us know that our new motto is “Gold or go home”, and we gotta stick to that motto or else we’re not gonna be returning for the next season, the next game, the next play.” “Gold or Go Home” becomes a best selling t-shirt and interest in the Legion skyrockets. The motto is emblazoned everywhere on the team’s facilities, and is compared to Al Davis’ “Just Win, Baby”.
May 14, 2014: The NFL announces that, if the Diablos and Monarchs show good results, they plan on expanding to Portland and Montreal in 2018. The city of San Diego reacts horribly, and a greater boycott of the league is organized, much to the benefit of the San Diego Chargers and the FFL, who capitalize with the “Hometown Heroes” campaign, which focuses on the community aspect of the league. Buffalo dispatches riot police, although they aren’t needed, as, ironically, beer sales spike and the Buffalo Football Club makes a statement:
“We, pure and simple, do not want an NFL team anymore. The NFL has shown that they are not a wholesome, good organization. We are, and we will continue to be, an FFL city. The Mountainmen are our team.”
May 15, 2014:
Gatorade #3
Hi, I’m Mike Trout (shoots pool ball, gets every ball except the eight into pockets). You know me as the center fielder Los Angeles Dodgers, where I’ve won two MVP awards and two World Series (hits a home run). What you don’t know is what fuels me (shoots clay pigeon with a shotgun). Well, let me tell you (hits a tennis ball over the net). Before and during every game, I drink Gatorade, because it gives me electrolytes I need to play, and it tastes delicious (hits half-alley on a skateboard). Take it from me, it works.
May 11, 2014: In the FFL’s Primetime Slot on ESPN, the Salt Lake Legion (1-0) defeat the San Diego Chargers (1-0), 22-18, as Dak Prescott passes for two touchdowns and 279 yards. After the game, Prescott announces “The Legion is here to stay. We ain’t no number one pick anymore. This is a championship organization, and Mr. Huntsman has let us know that our new motto is “Gold or go home”, and we gotta stick to that motto or else we’re not gonna be returning for the next season, the next game, the next play.” “Gold or Go Home” becomes a best selling t-shirt and interest in the Legion skyrockets. The motto is emblazoned everywhere on the team’s facilities, and is compared to Al Davis’ “Just Win, Baby”.
May 14, 2014: The NFL announces that, if the Diablos and Monarchs show good results, they plan on expanding to Portland and Montreal in 2018. The city of San Diego reacts horribly, and a greater boycott of the league is organized, much to the benefit of the San Diego Chargers and the FFL, who capitalize with the “Hometown Heroes” campaign, which focuses on the community aspect of the league. Buffalo dispatches riot police, although they aren’t needed, as, ironically, beer sales spike and the Buffalo Football Club makes a statement:
“We, pure and simple, do not want an NFL team anymore. The NFL has shown that they are not a wholesome, good organization. We are, and we will continue to be, an FFL city. The Mountainmen are our team.”
May 15, 2014:
Gatorade #3
Hi, I’m Mike Trout (shoots pool ball, gets every ball except the eight into pockets). You know me as the center fielder Los Angeles Dodgers, where I’ve won two MVP awards and two World Series (hits a home run). What you don’t know is what fuels me (shoots clay pigeon with a shotgun). Well, let me tell you (hits a tennis ball over the net). Before and during every game, I drink Gatorade, because it gives me electrolytes I need to play, and it tastes delicious (hits half-alley on a skateboard). Take it from me, it works.
Chapter Fourteen, Part Five: Jackson Gone, Injury Bowl, Gatorade #4, & Blake Bortles Wins(?)
May 18, 2014: In the FFL’s Primetime Spot on ESPN, the Buffalo Mountainmen (1-1) defeat the Orlando Apollos (0-2), 36-10, as Brian Hoyer passes for four touchdowns and 309 yards. The Apollos fire their head coach, Hue Jackson, after the game, and name the interim coach, Romeo Crennel, as their permanent head coach going forward.
May 25, 2014: In the FFL’s Primetime Spot on ESPN, the New York Knights (2-1) defeat the Salt Lake Legion (3-0), 12-8, in a defensive battle, as Dak Prescott and Jimmy Garoppolo both go out of the game, Prescott in the second quarter and Garoppolo in the third. Prescott will play the next week, while Garoppolo is out for the next game.
May 30, 2014:
Gatorade #4
Hi, I’m Jon “Bones” Jones (shoots dart without looking, gets bullseye). You know me from my knockout victories, my undefeated record, and my Light Heavyweight World title (knocks out assailant). What you may not know is that when I need to fight, I drink Gatorade (tackles guy to the ground). It tastes good, makes me feel good, and is good for me (kicks soccer goal). It’s electrolytes fuel me up and get me ready to go (beats guy in arm wrestling). Take it from me, it works.
June 1, 2014: In the FFL’s Primetime Spot on ESPN, the San Diego Chargers (2-2) defeat the Houston Roughnecks (1-3), 26-17, as Robby Bortles passes for 2 touchdowns and 245 yards along with one interception.
May 25, 2014: In the FFL’s Primetime Spot on ESPN, the New York Knights (2-1) defeat the Salt Lake Legion (3-0), 12-8, in a defensive battle, as Dak Prescott and Jimmy Garoppolo both go out of the game, Prescott in the second quarter and Garoppolo in the third. Prescott will play the next week, while Garoppolo is out for the next game.
May 30, 2014:
Gatorade #4
Hi, I’m Jon “Bones” Jones (shoots dart without looking, gets bullseye). You know me from my knockout victories, my undefeated record, and my Light Heavyweight World title (knocks out assailant). What you may not know is that when I need to fight, I drink Gatorade (tackles guy to the ground). It tastes good, makes me feel good, and is good for me (kicks soccer goal). It’s electrolytes fuel me up and get me ready to go (beats guy in arm wrestling). Take it from me, it works.
June 1, 2014: In the FFL’s Primetime Spot on ESPN, the San Diego Chargers (2-2) defeat the Houston Roughnecks (1-3), 26-17, as Robby Bortles passes for 2 touchdowns and 245 yards along with one interception.
Chapter Fourteen, Part Six: MLB Draft, Federal Expansion, & Duel Sport (Yes, It's Filler)
June 5, 2014: With the #1 overall pick in the MLB Draft, the Miami Marlins select OF Jameis Winston out of Florida State.
June 8, 2014: In the bye week for the FFL, the league announces that they plan on reviving the aborted attempt to expand, probably to Seattle and Detroit.
June 9, 2014: Detroit Tigers pitcher Colin Kaepernick announces that he plans on trying out with the Detroit Lions at the quarterback position, saying “I’ve been working out constantly, and I think that I can be a duel-sport athlete. I’ve played at the starter level before I know I can do it in the NFL.”
June 8, 2014: In the bye week for the FFL, the league announces that they plan on reviving the aborted attempt to expand, probably to Seattle and Detroit.
June 9, 2014: Detroit Tigers pitcher Colin Kaepernick announces that he plans on trying out with the Detroit Lions at the quarterback position, saying “I’ve been working out constantly, and I think that I can be a duel-sport athlete. I’ve played at the starter level before I know I can do it in the NFL.”
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Chapter Fourteen, Part Seven: FFL Expansion, Thriller, Gatorade #5, Trade of the Year
June 10, 2014: The FFL announces it’s plan to expand to St. Louis and Denver, under the ownership of the Anheuser-Busch brewing company and John “Cable Cowboy” Malone, respectively. The team names are to be announced at the Federal Bowl.
June 15, 2014: In the FFL’s Primetime Spot on ESPN, the Salt Lake Legion (4-1) defeat the Buffalo Mountainmen (2-3), 21-20, as Dak Prescott passes for 288 yards and one touchdown, and Brian Hoyer passes for 304 yards and two touchdowns. The game is a thriller, with the Mountainmen scoring with :22 left in the game, kicking it off to the Legion’s Cordarrelle Patterson, who proceeded to return it 86 yards for a walk-off touchdown.
June 15, 2014:
Gatorade #5
Hi, I’m Drew Brees (shoots arrow from a bow, hits bullseye). You may know me for being a four-time Super Bowl champion, a two-time NFL MVP, and the starting quarterback of the New York Giants (throws a football across the field into receiver’s arms). But you may not know that in order to keep myself strong and ready, I drink Gatorade (jumps into a pool, completes a triple flip in the air). The electrolytes in it give me a competitive edge, and it tastes better than anything else on the market (rides a bull). Take it from me, it works.
June 16, 2014: 2013 FFL Offensive Player of the Year RB Devonta Freeman of the Houston Roughnecks is traded to the Buffalo Mountainmen, for the Mountainmen’s first-rounder and All-Star linebacker Barkevious Mingo.
June 15, 2014: In the FFL’s Primetime Spot on ESPN, the Salt Lake Legion (4-1) defeat the Buffalo Mountainmen (2-3), 21-20, as Dak Prescott passes for 288 yards and one touchdown, and Brian Hoyer passes for 304 yards and two touchdowns. The game is a thriller, with the Mountainmen scoring with :22 left in the game, kicking it off to the Legion’s Cordarrelle Patterson, who proceeded to return it 86 yards for a walk-off touchdown.
June 15, 2014:
Gatorade #5
Hi, I’m Drew Brees (shoots arrow from a bow, hits bullseye). You may know me for being a four-time Super Bowl champion, a two-time NFL MVP, and the starting quarterback of the New York Giants (throws a football across the field into receiver’s arms). But you may not know that in order to keep myself strong and ready, I drink Gatorade (jumps into a pool, completes a triple flip in the air). The electrolytes in it give me a competitive edge, and it tastes better than anything else on the market (rides a bull). Take it from me, it works.
June 16, 2014: 2013 FFL Offensive Player of the Year RB Devonta Freeman of the Houston Roughnecks is traded to the Buffalo Mountainmen, for the Mountainmen’s first-rounder and All-Star linebacker Barkevious Mingo.
Helped Favre and the Packers to their Super Bowl loss to the Colts, stayed with them for all of his career, and led the NFL in interceptions three times.
Yeah, I know. I wasn’t going to cover it, he’s no longer in either league. I can, but I think that the truth is so horrible that I couldn’t really adapt it.
To be fair, @Calcaterra, and this is my final word, a lot of his colleagues in football and broadcasting were shocked by what he did, because there was no indication that he was like that at all...
Chapter Fourteen, Part Eight: Blowout, Sanchise, Meh, Last Game, & 2014 FFL Standings
June 22, 2014: In the FFL’s Primetime Spot on ESPN, the New York Knights (4-2) defeat the Orlando Apollos (0-6), 38-9, as Jimmy Garoppolo passes for four touchdowns and 406 yards. The Apollos’ fall to 0-7 leads to wide derision within the media, as the people of the city of Orlando nearly abandon the Apollos, with the ownership considering a move to Detroit, Birmingham, or Miami.
June 29, 2014: In the FFL’s Primetime Slot on ESPN, the Houston Roughnecks (2-5) defeat the Salt Lake Legion (5-2), 33-22, as Mark Sanchez passes for three touchdowns and 307 yards with one interception, Barkevious Mingo catches an interception and forces a fumble, and Dak Prescott passes for two touchdowns and 266 yards, with one interception.
July 6, 2014: In the FFL’s Primetime Spot on ESPN, the Buffalo Mountainmen (4-4) defeat the San Diego Chargers (5-3), 24-12, as Brian Hoyer passes for 288 yards and a touchdown, and Deion Jones nabs an interception and two sacks.
July 13, 2014: In the FFL’s Primetime Spot on ESPN, the New York Knights (6-3) defeat the Houston Roughnecks (3-6), 25-3, as Jimmy Garoppolo passes for two touchdowns and 345 yards, and Mark Sanchez posts a passer rating of 0.0, before being pulled from the game in favor of Josh McCown. With this win, the Knights have the first seed in the East and will host the Mountainmen, the second seed, the next week in the Eastern Championship Game. In the West, the Legion have the first seed and will play host to the Chargers in the Western Championship Game the next week. The winners of these games will go onto play in the Federal Bowl, this year in the Anthem Dome.
2014 Season
EAST
Knights: 7-3
Mountainmen: 6-4
Apollos: 1-9
WEST
Legion: 7-3
Chargers: 6-4
Roughnecks: 3-7
June 29, 2014: In the FFL’s Primetime Slot on ESPN, the Houston Roughnecks (2-5) defeat the Salt Lake Legion (5-2), 33-22, as Mark Sanchez passes for three touchdowns and 307 yards with one interception, Barkevious Mingo catches an interception and forces a fumble, and Dak Prescott passes for two touchdowns and 266 yards, with one interception.
July 6, 2014: In the FFL’s Primetime Spot on ESPN, the Buffalo Mountainmen (4-4) defeat the San Diego Chargers (5-3), 24-12, as Brian Hoyer passes for 288 yards and a touchdown, and Deion Jones nabs an interception and two sacks.
July 13, 2014: In the FFL’s Primetime Spot on ESPN, the New York Knights (6-3) defeat the Houston Roughnecks (3-6), 25-3, as Jimmy Garoppolo passes for two touchdowns and 345 yards, and Mark Sanchez posts a passer rating of 0.0, before being pulled from the game in favor of Josh McCown. With this win, the Knights have the first seed in the East and will host the Mountainmen, the second seed, the next week in the Eastern Championship Game. In the West, the Legion have the first seed and will play host to the Chargers in the Western Championship Game the next week. The winners of these games will go onto play in the Federal Bowl, this year in the Anthem Dome.
2014 Season
EAST
Knights: 7-3
Mountainmen: 6-4
Apollos: 1-9
WEST
Legion: 7-3
Chargers: 6-4
Roughnecks: 3-7
Holy f***. I just Googled it.
Darren Sharper is... or at least WAS... a hometown hero of sorts in my part of Richmond, Virginia, played for the high school near my house. Popped by my little league team when I was a kid.
What the hell went wrong with this maniac?