ULTIMATE CP WANK!!!!

Theatrics of excessive capitalization aside, what would be the "ultimate" victor's peace that the Central Powers can wring from the Entente? Of course, we must presume that all her enemies lie utterly exhausted and prostrate before her: France, Russia, and even Perfidious Albion are unable to resist the righteous might of Germany and her allies!

At the present time I can't think of a way to wank out Brest - Litovsk. That's as much of a wanked out treaty as I can imagine any nation dictating to another. But perhaps you can do better! So, have at it! Likewise, what is the ultimate wank Germany and her allies can get out of France, Britain (and possibly Italy, depending on whether or not they went to war).

So......hope this generates some interest with the august members of this board. I will post some ideas once I have had time to think it through.

Rules: Austria - Hungary and the Ottoman Empire are not in any immediate danger of collapsing. Why? Because this is "Central Powers Wank" and not simply "Germany wank.":D
 
Germany absorbs French Comté, and France becomes a puppet state. England, Wales, Scotland, and Ireland are separated and each is in personal union with Germany. All British and French colonies go to Germany; ALL OF THEM. Except some that go to the Ottomans.

Oh, the Caucausus and Central Asia ALL goes to the Ottoman Empire.

Maybe Austro-Hungary gets ALL of Italy and becomes Austro-Hungary-Italy
 
It's ASB, but I think that's what this thread warrants, so...

Among the Tsar's titles was "Emperor and Autocrat of All the Russias". Thus, the Kaiser has installed a separate puppet ruler for each of the Russias West of the Urals, and a Volga German state is established too. A German-controlled European Union is established, and Scotland and Ireland are severed from the U.K. and German princes are made their kings. Each of the successors to the U.K. including the United Kingdom of England and Wales participates in this German-led EU. This E.U. includes Greenland and Iceland. Turkish Thrace is the only section of the Ottoman Empire to also participate in the E.U.

The Ottoman Empire gets the Arabian Peninsula, Central Asia, and North Africa. Cyprus and Kuwait are reverted to full Ottoman control, and Germany and the Ottomans partition Persia among themselves. Areas not part of the Ottoman Empire in Africa nor constituting Greater South Africa nor Greater Ethiopia are handed over to Germany as "Mittelafrika", and is governed outside of the EU.

The German Pacific is expanded to include most of Eastern Austronesia, Indonesia, and the entirety of Borneo and Timor. In exchange, Japan is granted suzerainty over the areas of Russia East of the Urals. Also, French Indochina is given to Japan.

Colonies in the Western Hemisphere become independent and/or come to be controlled by the United States.

The Indian Empire becomes independent, and embraces a confederal, monarchist form of government. British Malaya, Ceylon, Burma, and the Straits Settlements are annexed to India. India, along with the Ottoman Empire, Germany, and Japan, hold spheres of influence in China which will form the basis of the next world war.
 
...

I'm sorry, as soon as I saw the title, I just...

captain_picard.jpg
 
I have some (poorly thought out) ideas, and for the sake of intelligibility I'll break it down by country:

Germany:

-In Europe: Annexes Franche-Comte and occupies Belgium with (rigged) plebiscite so the Belgians have the "option" of becoming part of Germany at a later date. Puppet states of Burgundy, Savoy, and Corsica created. Annexes Courland, protectorates established over White Russia, Finland, and Ukraine with Hohenzollern monarchs. Military occupation of St. Peterburg and its immediate environs. Volga German state created and puppetized. Joint Austro-German (but German dominated) protectorate over Poland with Habsburg monarch. Heavy reparations payments from Russia, France, and British states. Britain is split into England, Scotland, Wales, and Ireland with Habsburg monarchs for England and Ireland and Hohenzollern ones for Scotland and Wales. German-led EU in which all of Europe participates.

-In Africa: Annexes all French colonies except French Somaliland and Tunisia. Replaces France in all protectorates. Annexes Belgian Congo. Annexes Uganda. Puppet state established in South Africa with special German trading rights at the Cape. Nyasaland and the Rhodesias thrown to Portugal to keep them happy. Annexes Walvis Bay. Joint Austro-German (again German led) protectorate over Egypt and Sudan with joint control of Suez Canal. Sinai thrown to the Ottomans.

-In Asia: Special trading rights in new Indian states. Protectorates established over Ceylon and other South Indian States. Annexes Singapore and Malaysia. Annexes French Indochina and Dutch East Indies. French and British Spheres influence in China now Austro-German.

-In America: Gratefully thanks the United States for not fighting against them.

Austria-Hungary:

-In Europe: Annexes Romania, Albania, and Northern Serbia. Protectorate Established over Greece with Habsburg Monarch. Annexes Venetia-Lombardy and Tuscany. Papal States reestablished as Austrian protectorate. Habsburg monarch rules Naples-Sicily. Protectorate over Sardinia. Habsburg monarch rules Burgundy. Annexes the Crimea. All previously mentioned Austro-German gains. Heavy reparations from defeated powers.

-In Africa: Annexes all former Italian colonies, Tunisia, French Somaliland, and those British colonies not yet mentioned. Protectorate over Ethiopia. All Austro-German gains.

-In Asia: Trade advantages in all German Colonies. Protectorates over some Indian States. Most of British Polynesia. All Austro-German gains.

Ottoman Empire:

-In Europe: HA!

-In Africa: Annexes Sinai.

-In Asia: Annexes Arabian Peninsula, Kuwait, and Caucasus up through Georgia. Protectorate established over Persia with land annexed around Straits of Hormuz and old Ottoman-Persian border. Protectorates over Central Asia. Ottoman dominated Muslim Economic Union, jokingly referred to as the Dar-ul-Islam.

Bulgaria:

-In Europe: Annexes Vardar Macedonia and Thessalonica. Finds itself increasingly Austrian-dominated

-In Africa: Zilch

-In Asia: Nada

That about covers it. Am I missing something?
 
@Agatho: I believe the Bulgars travelled to southern Europe from Central Russia in the 7 or 8 century AD, so maybe when Russia is destroyed, they can get a piece. Name it Bulgaria and thus join Germany and Austria with their place in the sun:D
 
I'm skeptical about all the claims of "UK to be disbanded, German monarchs for all! though I can at least see the logic. However, I cannot see Wales being included as part of this. Remember that at the end of WW1, Wales had been annexed to England for some 380-ish years and, though it's possible that there were a lot of Welshmen who wanted to see a country restored to them, Wales didn't have any sort of secessionist movement as Ireland did and such. What's more, it was pretty much a region of England in this era, I don't think the Germans would think of splitting it off England any more than you might discuss Magdeburg or Pomerania being separated from Brandenburg in an Ultimate Entente Wank!!!!1 thread and given their own monarchs. I'm not quite sure about the stories of Britain losing its ENTIRE empire either - I mean, yeah the WW1 peace was harsh, but Germany lost its entire empire because its entire empire was small and rather significant - and it only lost the industrial heartland of the Saarland. If you dismember Britain like this, you could be looking at the country pretty much falling apart as it no longer has the money to administer itself.

Also I'm not sure what those Hapsburg/Hohenzollern monarchs are going to achieve in countries where Parliament has executive power and socialist-lite governments are in control. If they try to set up more autocratic regimes, they're going to be kicked out of their new countries in under a year, and will Germany have the resources and energy to march back in and restore them?
 
A German Royal house for England? Isn't that a bit redundant, considering that they already had one? Also, I think that drawing all those new monarchs exclusively from the Habsburgs and Hohenzollerns would not work well. There are other German Houses that would be considered for smaller states, like the Wittelsbachs, the Saxon Wettins, or from the Habsburg sphere, the Liechtensteins. In any case, it would be no guarantee for friendly relations. Romania was ruled by a Hohenzollern cadet branch and they joined the Entente.
 
I should clarify about my above point: I was thinking about what I said and I realised that you could draw comparisons between the loss of Imperial revenue and Germany losing the Saarland. However, to reestablish my point, I wanted to point out that Germany only lost the Saarland as security on the value of their reparations being paid off. The above posts seem to intimate that Britain should lose its empire permanently, and should have to pay reparations on top of this. Frankly there's no way that Britain could pay off the reparations without its empire - ever - and since it has no land border to its empire, it's unlikely to ever get it back in the way Germany was (eventually) given the Saarland back. Under this condition, you won't even get a highly-militaristic, extreme right-wing British response in the way that Germany became zealously vengeful in the way it sought to restore itself after the humiliation of Versailles because there's just no way that Britain (or, the three states that Britain now has become) will ever return to being economically strong states. For a while, with such a rapid decolonisation and loss of the revenues of Empire, England may not even be an economically viable state. It would be like demanding Germany liquidate in the Treaty of Versailles, and return to its borders as of the Treaty of Westphalia.
 
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