"No, Andrew, I don't mind saying it: it's time for David Miliband to put up or shut up."
Andrew Neil gave a cheeky raise of the eyebrows to the camera and swiveled his chair.
"Strong words from Diane. Michael? Your thoughts?"
Portillo cleared his throat before speaking, which Andrew strongly suspected was an attempt to buy him a few moments' time to think.
"I think, what we're seeing here," began Portillo, "is the inevitable free-fall of the Blair-Brown project. The Great Leader finally got into power, but the Party has realised he wasn't all he was cracked up to be."
Diane Abbott frowned in that way that only she could, and put a hand firmly on Michael's arm.
"I'm sorry, but this is nonsense. Gordon Brown is a fine leader, and he's governing this country-"
"-without the support of his foreign secretary," interjected Andrew.
"That's not true, Andrew, and you know it," Diane protested. Andrew winked, and spun his chair again.
"Another Labour firebrand - with a famous mum, no less - has put together his thoughts for us on this week's battle of the column inches. Here's Dan Hodges."
The producer signaled they were 'out', and the studio's TV began displaying Dan Hodges' lopsided face as the Labour blogger paced around a cheap-looking casino.
"...this week, David Miliband came very close to putting his cards on the table," Hodges said, leaning on a poker table and throwing some chips at the camera. Andrew chuckled.
"But," Hodges' face said from the screen as he inspected a hand of cards, "should he instead have gone all-in?"
Portillo had begun reading his copy of the
Spectator.
"Labour has been wracked with division ever since the Brown Bounce faded with the Election That Wasn't. Since then, senior figures unhappy with Mr Brown have been chasing a straight - one that doesn't look like it's going to come up trumps."
As Hodges put on a blackjack-dealer waistcoat, Andrew took a sip of 'water' and considered whether they had gone a bit far with this one.
"...Mr Miliband's article wasn't too inflammatory at first," Hodges was saying, as
Viva Las Vegas started to blare from the speakers, "but that last paragraph, with talk of 'questions over leadership' and 'renewed strength' - yow! The foreign secretary showed he had claws."
Andrew, no longer smirking, prayed that Hodges wasn't about to start playing with a cat. Mercifully, the next shot showed him leaning on a one-armed-bandit.
"What happened next surprised the Westminster village. Many expected a resignation, probably backed by other colleagues. But instead, silence. No leaping from the sinking ship - but no statements of 'full confidence in the Prime Minister' either."
Hodges pulled the lever, and two crude pictures of David Miliband's face appeared on the spooling wheels of the slot machine. The third, however, stopped on a picture of a grumpy-looking Gordon Brown.
"Why hasn't the PM sacked his foreign sec for this?" Hodges said in voice-over, "the Bottler Brown reputation is going to stick to him at this rate, and the days of the Iron Chancellor are clearly long gone."
Diane Abbott had spent the last few minutes in cool silence, not even nodding as - the live and present - Dan Hodges was brought to the sofa and wired for sound in preparation for his post-feature interview. Andrew shook Hodges' hands as his recorded form reappeared on the screen, now wearing something approaching normal clothing.
"But all bets were off when the dispute spilled into the rest of the media," Hodges said, throwing a stack of chips into the air, "and we saw all factions of the Labour Party turn this squabble into a Battle of the Sofas. Speaking of which, I think I need a sit down."
With a hackneyed 'kerching' sound effect, Hodges' VT came to an end, and the studio went live once more. Andrew gave a practiced grin.
"Dan Hodges, there, talking about how the chips are down now for Gordon Brown and David Miliband. He joins us now for that sit down, and - hopefully, Dan - a bit of a chat."
Hodges laughed.
"Yes, very happy to talk. Without the props this time."
Andrew nodded.
"You called it the 'Battle of the Sofas', what were the main engagements we saw this week?"
"Well, opening salvos were fired in the company of your good self," Hodges replied, "when Patricia Hewitt indicated she agreed with the thrust of the article."
"She stopped short of calling for Mr Brown to resign, though," said Andrew.
"True," said Hodges, "but Jacqui Smith stopped short of calling for Miliband to resign when she was doorstepped by the press this morning. This whole thing has been done in code so far - it's no surprise that it's going to continue that way."
"'Continue'?" prodded Andrew, "is it going to carry on?"
Hodges smiled.
"Well, time will tell, but after Ed Balls' bruising but unconvincing performance on the
Today programme yesterday morning, it was no surprise that Alan Milburn - for it was he - turned up to provide a casual few words for Shaun Ley on
The World At One."
"And a memorable few words they were, too," Andrew chuckled, "but surely now, after 72 hours of things looking like they might happen but failing to come to anything, the press pack will get tired of all this?"
"I'm not so sure. Nick Robinson -"
"Always one to enjoy a Labour scrap," Andrew pointed out.
"True, true, but nonetheless - Nick Robinson was talking up Jack Straw's ambiguous intervention earlier tonight."
"Is 'ambiguous' really the word? He sounded more bored than anything else."
Hodges smirked.
"He wasn't exactly brimming with excitement, no, but what both camps will be interested in is what he
didn't say."
"'I support Mr Brown/Mr Miliband/Mr Delete-as-appropriate.'"
"Quite. Downing Street sources are saying Brown is furious about that, while there's also a sense that the Miliband camp have been surprised that a Big Beast has commented so early on."
Andrew reached onto the desk and picked up a copy of the
Sun. Holding it up for all to see, he turned to Hodges.
"Well? Are they right?"
The headline of 'LABOUR CIVIL WAR' was about as loud as the printed word could be. Hodges grinned and shook his head.
"There's a battle going on, but not a war. Miliband's plan was clearly to provoke this kind of debate and sketch out dividing lines, then see if the time was right to strike. Things look a bit less certain than he had perhaps hoped, so I'd still say there's 50/50 odds that Brown will survive this completely unscathed."
"Would that be a good thing for the party?"
"No."
The quickness of Hodges' reply caught Andrew off-guard, and he gave the blogger a wry smile.
"And what makes you say that?"
"Gut instinct, nothing more."
"Dan Hodges, thank you for your thoughts. Do stay with us on the
This Week sofa, we promise we won't do battle with you," Andrew oozed before glancing at his notes and saying to camera, "significantly quiet this week is Alistair Darling, who has not been seen or heard from since before the Miliband article was published."
"But he's on holiday!" said Diane vigorously.
"How convenient," drawled Portillo.
"No, Michael," insisted Diane, "he went away last week. The man is Chancellor, he's allowed to take a break."
"He's also allowed an opinion," Michael responded, "but I don't believe the present Labour cabinet have that right extended to them by the Great Leader."
Andrew interjected.
"Do you think David Miliband would be the right man to replace him, Michael?"
"The little I know of David Miliband has not impressed me very much, if I'm being completely honest. However, one usual talking point I won't repeat is his age - I think it would be a bit hypocritical of me to lambast a leadership hopeful for seeming too young..."
As Portillo trailed off with a smirk, Andrew heard a soft buzzing from his earpiece.
"I said it before, and I'll say it again," Diane droned, "he needs to put up, or -"
"Shut up, Diane," Andrew grinned, "because I've just been told by Auntie Beeb, sat helpfully in my left ear, that David Miliband has just this minute resigned from the cabinet."
A few moments of silence passed.
"I think Diane's speechless for once," joked Portillo, smiling like the cat who'd got the cream.
"I think I had better turn my phone on," said Hodges.
"Yes, I think we all should," said Andrew, "and as if this whole thing were planned - which it wasn't - we are all out of time here in the
This Week studio. We don't plan to be back next week, what with the summer recess, but we didn't plan on being on tonight, either, so... who knows? Goodbye from Diane and Michael..."
Only Portillo managed a nodded farewell, as Diane was already wrestling with her BlackBerry.
"...and goodbye from our last guest, Dan Hodges. Dan, quickly, who do
you want to be leader of the Labour Party?"
Quick as a flash, Hodges replied with a grin.
"Tony Blair."
"Well, you can't have him."
"That's very much the problem, Andrew."
