TLIAD: Cain and Unable, A Tragedy

26th September 2011

“They’ve lost the bollocking feed?”

In the glorious world of government media relations, there are few things worse than a bad speech by your client. One of those things is a cross platform blackout.

Alistair Campbell stood at the back of the Conference Hall, angrily wishing that his iPhone had a “wirelessly garrotte Mark Thompson” app. He looked at the monitors again, still showing nothing more than the colour bars.

He swore under his breath, after the past few days, this was probably to be expected. There had been the odd bright spot – David’s speech, Darling trouncing Lamont in the SLAB debate and Fox deciding to walk before being pushed – but fundamentally, the five minutes of Mili Minor speaking to a non-existent television audience seemed an apt metaphor for the conference.

“Nope,” one of the drones was saying, “they’re probably all coked up to the nines or something at Salford.”

Typically, Refounding Labour had been a damp squib. The ShadCab – Shadow Cabinet, he corrected himself – elections had gone, but by a far narrower margin that even the most pessimistic suggestions had hinted at. Liam had been sacked, which had been an attempt by the youngling to shore up his support within the increasingly purple grouping, but Universal Credit was still going ahead, which was probably going to be for the best, no matter how the member for Islingrad North had yelped about crossing the floor.

“…got it!” telibot Mk. 2 suddenly shouted, “Which is a shame, because now three million people are going to be able to see the meltdown.”

“Put a ball gag in it,” Campbell responded, “or I’ll shove something more personal in instead.”

“...which can certainly help us to achieve genuine re – sorry - predistribution of non-portfolio share assets as we move into post-neo-liberal economy…”

“Don’t know about you,” Campbell said to telibot Mk. 3 “but I’m getting a hard-on over this.”

Breaking a promise made fourteen years ago, Campbell decided to do God.​

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I'm slightly confused. Would it be correct to say that an interview with Ed was going horribly wrong, followed up by the feed being lost for a bit and then coming back just when things got worse? All the while, Liam Byrne lost the maintained Shadow Cabinet elections despite of the more vocal Blairite group (or because David wanted a martyr?) due to Labour tacking more to the right and some of the ultra-left in Labour are now considering ditching the party due to a feeling that the party has been lost. That's at least what I read.

The Labour lot on TTL's AH.com are going to be bloody depressed, that's all I can say, though it does link into something that I was wondering. For all that we hear about the younger Miliband's failings, he did manage to rally Labour and keep them from arguing with one another (whether by not actually talking about policy for a bit is up for debate), if David is causing Labour to take the "it's sad but we have to do X, like the government currently is" line earlier, then I could see some of the more sceptical backers who were won over from 2011-12 deciding to just stay home.

I'd say that I'm loving the TLIAD here, but that would be more than slightly redundant,
 
22nd December 2011

"God rest ye merry, gentlemen..."

The dulcet tones of Radio 3 wafted through the tinsel-bedecked living room, leaving a trail of festive pleasantries that was singularly absent from the two occupants of the kitchen.

"What does that mean?" the Shadow Home Secretary asked the Shadow Secretary of State for Business, Innovation and Skills.

Yvette Cooper looked up from the béchamel sauce.

"What does what mean?"

"The carol," Ed Balls replied, "I've always wondered why would God want people to stop being cheerful?"

Cooper paused for a moment, mulling over the banality of the question. She decided to ignore it, choosing instead to concentrate on ensuring a geometrically precise placement of bolognaise.

“Do you think that we are going to have enough?” she asked, “I don’t know if Vernon’s bringing anyone else, that’s all.”

Balls looked up from his smartphone, having finished browsing Twitter, and mentally rifled through the guest list.

“I don’t think so,” he replied, “Ken definitely said he would be popping by, so make sure that you put that extra bottle of Chablis in the fridge.”

Cooper laughed sardonically; the Mayoral contest had been bruising for the party. David’s insistence on having a primary had – far from uniting London Labour – served only to exacerbate the national splits. In a clear sign that history did not always repeat in favour the left, Livingstone had led in the first four rounds, but had still ended up losing to Lammy by half a percentage point.

“Better get another bottle,” Cooper said, “I’m not taking any risks if he starts talking about the contest again.”

Balls walked over to the tin of shortbread, smirking at the tartan lid. In spite of everything, Darling’s decision to call for a referendum on DevoMax in his victory speech had been a masterstroke, sending Eck and the Nats into a tailspin, with them even making an aborted attempt to form a coalition agreement with the Scottish Progressives.

The doorbell rang. Noticing that the tomatoes had yet to be peeled, Balls tutted as he walked over to welcome the first guest – perhaps they should have just booked the private room at Pizza Express after all.​

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That was an absolutely incredible update. So many little rippling changes dispersed in such good prose. MORE!
 
So it seems that the independent Scottish Tory party occurred ITTL, I have the feeling that Balls/Cooper aren't inviting these figures around to celebrate the day before Christmas Eve Eve. Trying to stop David, or maybe deciding to cut out the nasally man, or maybe it's about something else entirely.

If Livingstone runs as an independent, as he said he would IOTL, I can see his campaign having a lot of trouble once the tax issue comes up, David (Miliband) will be firing on all cylinders and encouraging Lammy to do so as well, causing some on the left to feel disenchanted about the eagerness of the leadership to fire on a "hero" of the movement, and could lead to some harsh words being spoken.

Is it bad that I want to see how the mood is on the ground, if what you say about harsh splits are true?
 
I've always been a fan of the offhand exposition technique, especially when it's randomly big changes, although it's probably a bit too soon for the Scottish Tories to have renamed themselves. Not that Fraser couldn't win but I believe the plan was for the party have a vote on it at the 2012 Conference regardless of whether he won or not.

Interesting to see the SNP fail to gain a majority here, was that down to something Labour have actually done, or did we just manage to avoid Subwaygate through butterflies?
 
I've always been a fan of the offhand exposition technique, especially when it's randomly big changes, although it's probably a bit too soon for the Scottish Tories to have renamed themselves. Not that Fraser couldn't win but I believe the plan was for the party have a vote on it at the 2012 Conference regardless of whether he won or not.

I saw Fraser winning as being down to having a slightly earlier contest, somewhat limiting the ability for the "Stop Murdo" campaign from gathering around Davidson. You are entirely correct, the plan was to have the vote done at conference, but for expositions sake, I don't think that it is too unlikely that Fraser would have decided to call an Extraordinary General Meeting instead.

Interesting to see the SNP fail to gain a majority here, was that down to something Labour have actually done, or did we just manage to avoid Subwaygate through butterflies?

It seemed easy enough to butterfly the most expensive sandwich ever, so yeah, the SNP still get a landslide, but they're about five seats short of an overall majority, which still isn't quite enough to force a referendum though, even with the Greens and Margo MacDonald. I think that OTL's result will be one of the few genuine political ASBs of future timelines.
 
So, is it just Ed Miliband that Balls and Cooper are going to lasagne-up or is it David too? I wouldn't have thought they'd be particularly in David's court so I think that Labour is becoming increasingly fragmented. A Brownite faction, a Blairite faction, a loyal-to-EdM faction and David Miliband stirring every-which way he can to widen the splits and make life worse for his little brother. I suspect Alistair Darling's glad to be out of it and leading the party up in Scotland.

I wonder how many people are attending the plotting dinner. Interesting times loom for poor Miliband the younger. Who will stick the knife in first?
 
TRIGGER WARNING: This update may contain traces of George Galloway, which some readers may find upsetting.

29th March 2012

"I love Bradford in the springtime..."

There was no way this should have happened, Andy Burnham thought to himself as the a few more members of the Respect mob congaed past him. However much he had tried to negate the pre-emptive assumptions, it was obvious that Galloway had managed to achieve the same sort of landslide that he SNP had been threatening last month. Thus far, he had enjoyed a fairly successful record as Election Co-Ordinator; Leicester South (Win), Inverclyde (Win), Feltham and Heston (Win), Inverclyde (Win) and Edinburgh South West (Win, although the sight of Sturgeon's face as the Nats had been bested by the Progressives had been the real highlight.) Now, he was probably going to end up in the same position as Bryant. He checked his BlackBerry, he just hoped it wasn't going to be farmers.

He gave a brave smile to Dan Jarvis, who had popped out for some fresh air - or whatever substituted for fresh air around here - and wondered if it was acceptable to bunk off for a curry.

"Any ideas?" Jarvis asked, breaking the silence, "It is still going to take them another two hours to finish weighing the postal votes."

Burnham didn't reply, instead giving a thousand yard stare whilst he imagined how to pretend to give a damn about fishing quotas for the next eight months. Somewhere, a vuvuzela blared out, shattering the quietness of the evening. He looked to his side, Jarvis was still there, trying to connect to the Council wi-fi.

"Something is going to give over this," the MP for Feltham and Heston continued, "but I have no idea if they're going to want a stalking horse or not. You know that they were circulating an email this evening?"

Burnham wasn't sure who 'they' were, but he assumed it was going to be the Purple Rain, who had been demanding blood since the Budget. He looked over at the window of the nearby Gregg's, feeling as deflated as one of the leftover steak bakes. He wasn't quite sure what had gone wrong with the campaign, David and Ed had both performed well on the joint-soapbox and Galloway had looked like an utter fool in the open-top bus, especially when it had rained, but it seemed to have been for nothing as soon as the Osborne had surfaced. The Shadow Chancellor had knocked his opposite number for six within moments of his opening statement, but for all the Elder Miliband's rhetorical efforts, as soon as he mentioned "this is not austerity," everything had changed.

Absent mindedly, he checked Twitter. Then, the checked it again, rather less absent mindedly.

"Dan," he said, as the former paratrooper walked back into the City Hall. He was already out of earshot, "Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan..."​

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Ah, not sure what "this is not austerity" meant in terms of the message. Did David claim that Labour would maintain spending cuts but focus them elsewhere, frontline the cuts or is he saying that Labour would cut more than the Tories? Of course, the Gallostorm may give the Brownites a chance to commence their plan and try to readjust the party, although a stronger Progress that is willing to get down and dirty could cause a damaging split.

Then again, Cameron may be looking worse if the LibDems try and regain the lost left wing voters, he'd have to either force collective responsibility on them via a policy of "back openly and publicly or resign" or he would be gaining barracking from the right of his party, especially when it seems that Labour are on the retreat.

Great work, can't wait to see how Labour react to this, with the possible muted budget response from David being to stick with the New Labour line, Ed may be seen as a very weak figure on the left while the Hodges type may think that he's fighting for the centre instead of waiting for it to come to him. Very exciting.
 
July 14th 2012

As Bill Bailey had once pointed out, the BBC News theme been remixed to the point that it was now sounding like the backing track to a rave in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. As the first story concerned the Durham Miner's Gala, it was probably a fairly apt comparison. As Huw Edwards took the first look to camera, Tom Watson looked away, hoping that the British public would be engaged in their usual summer behaviour of getting drunk in beer gardens, or cremating sausages. Although - noted - even if they had, it would still be a matter of minutes until the footage of the cider hitting the Leader of the Opposition in the face would be turned into an animated gif. Watson refreshed Reddit, still awaiting the inevitable backlash.

It had still been a brave idea, he reminded himself as he stared into cyberspace, attending the Miner's Gala had been an attempt to try and draw a line under the unpleasantness of the past few months. And - he chuckled darkly - in a very real sense it had. The Balls-Cooper Axis had been sundered before it had really begun, but it had immediately been replaced by the far more dubious warnings about a letter doing the rounds across the backbenchers. There was no indication of a formal coup being mounted, but that episode of TTOI had still led to the Silent Heroes response to the BS being quietly dropped the day before it had been due to launch. Ed had done a decent job of coming up with mooted reforms to home building with about three hours’ notice, but it had still been a re-hash of leftovers from the old policy review that Adonis had abandoned after he’d buggered off to Network Rail.

The iPhone rang. With some trepidation, he picked it up.

“Watson…”

After about five minutes, the Election Co-Ordinator’s Brownite tendencies returned, which necessitated a visit to the Apple Store.​

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Nice to see Blackadder's favourite Labour MP turn up. Loved the Quiet Batpeople joke!

So Adonis has left politics and taken a job at Network Rail? Him being an uber-Blairite who represents our best chance of nationalising the railways properly means we have a complex political relationship. He's also apparently very nice.
 
Nice to see Blackadder's favourite Labour MP turn up. Loved the Quiet Batpeople joke!

So Adonis has left politics and taken a job at Network Rail? Him being an uber-Blairite who represents our best chance of nationalising the railways properly means we have a complex political relationship. He's also apparently very nice.

A friend of mine at DafT says that the Tories really wanted him to do it actually - he gave it very serious consideration before deciding to turn it down and go to the Institute for Government instead. Here, I rather think that he would take it given OTL's comparatively better position for the Neo-Blairites, he decides he can't really be bothered with party politics anymore.
 

Thande

Donor
I was actually a bit surprised the Miners' Gala thing didn't backfire more in OTL...it just seemed like there were a lot of opportunities for things to go wrong for Ed.
 
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