The Sinister Six of Geopolitics
by Stephan Lang
Retrieved from the July 2022 edition of the Super Scoop
The Sinister Six of Geopolitics are a collection of countries named by American superhero Super Duper Man in a speech to the United Nations. You probably can’t name them all, or even say anything about them, but superheroes know them well. Here they are, in no particular order:
1. Alandundu
Location: The bight of the western African coast
Borders: Nigeria, Cameroon, Congo, Gabon, Equatorial Guinea
Capital: Obodo
Ethnicities: Gombe, Sokoro, Akwana
Languages: Igbo
Religions: Islam, Christianity, traditional African religions
Despot: President-for-Life Simon Zebenjo
Alandundu is a brutal dictatorship where one man rules alone: President-for-Life Simon Zebenjo. Rumor has it, Zebenjo runs a sprawling pan-African criminal network. He’s also rumored to be far stronger, faster, and tougher than any of his soldiers.
African superheroes have been able to vouch for that first rumor. Zebenjo allows for organizations to ship drugs, arms, blood diamonds, and other ill-gotten gains through Alandundu in exchange for payment, and he’s even set up smuggling networks of his own.
Another rumor related to the second is that Zebenjo is a shapeshifter. And just like the criminal network, heroes can vouch for both parts. Thanks to weekly demonic rituals, Zebenjo can turn all or part of his body into that of any African animal.
Of course, Alandundans are kept in the dark about all of this.
Let’s hope rebels like the Gombe and Sokoro peoples (who are mistreated by Simon Zebenjo and his fellow Akwana tribesmen), Christianity, Fr. Roger Udo, and the rebel group Hapu Anyi can make a change.
2. Tsaloristan
Location: Central Asia
Borders: Turkmenistan, Afghanistan, Iran
Capital: Plazmena
Ethnicities: Dakoni, Gormash, Haraza, Tashun
Languages: Pashto
Religions: Islam, Zoroastrianism
Despot: President-for-Life Ghalji Kakazai
Hopping over to Central Asia, we see another absolute dictatorship: Tsaloristan.
This country’s regime might collapse, considering how many protests President-for-Life Ghalji Kakazai has to quash. Unfortunately, intel says that Kakazai has at least two superhumans working for him: earth controller Ghorzang “Geode” Solangi and precognitive brick Zarlesh “Wall” Sasooli.
Anyway, Kakazai runs Tsaloristan like a horrifying hybrid of a medieval baron and a mob boss. He controls everything in Tsaloristan and takes a cut of every transaction, large or small. The UN estimates his fortune at 10 billion US dollars, which he keeps in Swiss and Tsalori banks.
The “I get a cut of everything” rule extends to crime, by the way. He gets cuts from drugs, guns, slaves, and even superweapons. In fact, most supervillain technology is purchased from Tsalori sources.
Luckily, the banned-but-underground Tsalori Liberty Party keeps pumping out protests, and some criminals want to keep all their profits, so Kakazai might be taken out by these strange bedfellows.
3. Batavia
Location: The Carpathian mountains of Eastern Europe
Borders: Poland, Ukraine, Romania, Hungary, Czechoslovakia
Capital: Uzhgorod
Ethnicities: Ukrainian, Russian, Romanian
Languages: Russian, Romanian, Ukrainian
Religions: Christianity
Despot: Premier Aleksei Zheleznov
Alandundu’s despot may keep his powers secret, but Aleksei Zheleznov, otherwise known as Kirpich, lets everyone know that he’s a brick. He runs his country with a metaphorically iron fist and a communist economy.
People who have visited Batavia say that the country looks like it’s stuck in the 1980s, with a brutalist architectural style and busts of Lenin and Stalin everywhere.
Kirpich has all the superpowers he needs to keep himself in power, but any other superhumans discovered are killed or jailed just to be safe. You know, if they don’t commit to Batavia’s army. Same goes for any vampires or werewolves who live in Batavia.
Every anti-speciesist organization's utter disgust with this, coupled with the EU’s growing influence and Kirpich’s advanced age (he’s 62), makes it likely that Batavia will fall in a few decades.
4. Nauka
Location: The Crimean peninsula in Eastern Europe
Borders: Ukraine
Capital: Znaniye
Ethnicities: Naukan
Languages: Russian, Ukrainian
Religions: Irreligion, Christianity
Despot: Supreme Scientist Timofei Kafelnikov
Nauka is the prime example of science in the wrong hands. Ever wonder how all these villains make scientific breakthroughs to create new weapons that can be bought from Tsaloristan? Naukan scientists make them.
Nauka was a secret scientific city-state in Crimea, but after the USSR collapsed, they went public and independent. Ukraine has tried to annex them twice, but failed both times due to Nauka’s immense technical knowhow.
Led by Supreme Scientist Timofei Kafelnikov, Nauka works tirelessly to make deadlier weapons and sell them to supervillains. Whether it’s arcanology, biology, chemistry, dimensional science, energy science, herology, information science, materials science, physics, robotics, or xenology, they’ll tackle it.
It’s a common superhero urban legend that Naukan scientists have developed a cure for HIV, but rather than save millions of lives, they force people to pay hundreds of thousands of US dollars for a dose. However, espionage in the Department of Biology has revealed nothing of the sort.
However, some Naukan scientists have said they want to draw lines as to who they collaborate with, so maybe Nauka will change from the inside out.
5. Mamlaka
Location: Arabian Peninsula
Borders: Arabia, Oman, Yemen
Capital: Asima
Ethnicities: Arab
Languages: Arabic
Religions: Islam
Despot: King Razeen ibn Shukri al-Khalid
Most of the Middle East is alright to live in. There are few questionable laws, but for the most part it’s okay. Why is that? Because of Mamlaka.
Mamlaka is a repressive Islamic theocracy that rabidly hates all things Western, and has become a Wahhabi... place that people flock to. It is ruled by King Razeen ibn Shukri al-Khalid, who rose to power following his father’s death in 2015.
In Mamlaka, supers must turn themselves over to the government to be used as tools of the state. If they're uncooperative (or a woman), they get to die. Mamlaka's most infamous super, a scorpion-man named Black Scorpion, instigated a massacre that killed Demoness (from the FBS)'s unit and gave her PTSD.
However, Mamlaka owns the isle of Socotra, and this might be its undoing.
Socotra has several species that live there and nowhere else, so Mamlaka is looking to move off of its huge oil industry, both to save the animals, and because you can’t jihad the infidels if hurricanes kill them all first.
Unfortunately, Mamlaka’s oil industry is how it's able to pacify its citizens through UBI. And since Mamlaka values the environment above jihad (surprisingly), the UBI might dry up, and the people would not be happy.
6. Roraima
Location: Inland South America
Borders: Pentaguyana, Brazil
Capital: Boa Vista
Ethnicities: Pardo, White, Native, Black, Asian
Languages: Portuguese
Religions: Christianity, Irreligion
Despot: President-for-Life Evandro Delgado da Cunha
This article has talked about ways that a regime in the Sinister Six might end, but in Roraima’s case, it’s a matter of “when”, not “if”.
President-for-Life Evandro Delgado da Cunha is 77 and, according to medical records, suffering from the early stages of Alzheimer’s. In his slipping mental state, he has grown more erratic. Roraima is going to collapse sooner or later, especially considering that Roraima’s government supervillain team has told A Seleção Brasileira how much they want to be heroes free of the government’s yoke.
Of course, one of da Cunha’s generals could easily swoop in and assert himself, but the Roraiman “villains” have said they’ll prevent that, and the Brazilian military and superteam will likely help back them up.
