Chapter One Thousand Three Hundred Two
3rd January 1959
Tempelhof, Berlin
Packing to have four children away from home for a week was proving to be a major undertaking for Douglas as he loaded the microbus. They were going up to the vacation house that belonged to Kurt and Gerta in the mountains of Northern Bohemia. Mostly that involved taking an endless series of trips from the house to the garage. Midway through Doug found that Ben Hirsch wanted to help, though he was quite certain that Ben wanted more than that. Finally, when the last bag and the supplies that they were taking had been loaded into the microbus Ben drummed up enough courage to say what he wanted.
“Kiki has completely forgotten me?” Ben asked, “Hasn’t she?”
It seemed like an eternity ago, but Doug remembered that he and Kat had spoken at length about Kristina’s relationship with Ben and the risks involved. Kat was familiar with the realities of who Kristina truly was and had figured that it would eventually have an outcome like this. Kristina moving on with her life as she felt she needed to do, and Ben left trying to figure out what happened. The last time Ben had seen her would have been just before she left to join the Medical Service. If Doug had to guess, the night at the wedding reception had been particularly memorable. Ben had gotten a glimpse of Kristina’s life and he had shared a kiss with her. When she had left to go to the training depot it was understandable that she would have lost communication for a while. However, she had been back for months and had not resumed it.
“I don’t think Kristina has forgotten you” Doug replied, “I think she is in the middle of an extremely demanding program and has very little time for much else.”
“It would have taken her a minute to call” Ben said plaintively.
Doug paused in what he was doing, he remembered the first time that a girl had broken things off with him unexpectedly. He had been a bit younger than Ben was, but he remembered the hurt and confusion that had come from it. Doug’s father had told him that was just how it was. He could accept it or make a fool of himself, either way he needed to learn from the experience and for him there would come a day when the relationship didn’t end like that. Doug hadn’t understood at the time and it wasn’t his place to tell Ben that.
“Look Ben” Doug said, “You were the first young man who entered Kristina’s life and was interested in her solely as a person as opposed to her title. You were a friend as she went through a difficult time and you didn’t take advantage of her. I doubt that she’ll ever forget you, even if she wanted to.”
Ben hadn’t been expecting an answer like that. He sheepishly left the garage and Doug resumed packing the microbus. The difficult process of getting the children aboard.
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Sitting in the passenger seat of the microbus, Kat watched the fields next to the autobahn rolled past. For the next week she was just going to enjoy a quiet week with her family in a place where getting ahold of her would be nearly impossible. It was something that she wanted to do, mostly because of the growing sense of ill ease that she had been feeling for some time about her life. She supposed that she should feel content with how things were but doing that just wasn’t in how Kat had been made.
Aunt Marcella had told her that what she was feeling was normal, that Kat was moving on to a different part of her life after a tumultuous youth. To her that seemed grossly oversimplified. Louis Ferdinand had once asked her about how she constantly reinvented herself and that sounded good enough. The truth was that she had never really been who she had presented herself as in the first place. Doug understood, he’d seen the truth that night in Argentina years earlier when she had been desperate for a human connection after the situation had called for her worst aspects coming to the fore. Kat remembered that that day, how she had exhalated in the violence and destruction she had inflicted on the Argentine soldiers who were there to kill her. Then that had been followed by the hollow feeling, the looks of fear that she had been on the receiving end of when people saw what she really was.
Years earlier, an artist had depicted Kat as Némain, a goddess who was the personification of the madness of battle in Irish mythology. Kat had hated walking past that painting because it depicted a deep truth that she wasn’t comfortable with. The painting had recently been moved from Potsdam to Old National Gallery and was going to go on public display. Soon, there were going to be a lot of questions that she was not planning on answering.
Somewhere along the line, Kat had realized that the thought of anyone hurting her children caused that same aspect of her to come to the surface. What if she was put in a situation where she needed to let that out to protect them? To see that look of fear in her children’s eyes if they saw who she really was would absolutely devastate her. It was exactly as Doctor Holz had once told her, every time she pulled the trigger a piece of her humanity went with it. What would happen to them if she gave in to that part of herself and couldn’t come back? What about Douglas?