shorthand summaries of the "four" crusades? (really more)

If he's killed earlier, at Montgisard, or dies in captivity at Aleppo, then much of the mess that led to the Third Crusade can be avoided, yes. He wasn't the -only- antagonist, but he was the biggest and loudest of them. If he goes, I doubt there's anyone bold or brash enough to fill his shoes.

That's actually a -really- good TL idea.

That it is, sadly I'm working on another TL Idea.
 
1. By the grace of God himself.
2. What do you mean you can't give a straight answer?!
3. Kings, Glory, merry men with tights.
4. We don't talk about that one, and if we did someone always ends up maimed.
 

TinyTartar

Banned
1.) Basically an ASB RKO out of nowhere.
2.) So boring that we don't even really know what happened.
3.) England is in the World Cup again? Because grown men wearing fake chainmail is this Crusade's legacy.
4.) According to AH.com, this was literally worse than Joffrey and Melisandre's love child.
 
1. God willed it, blood, we spilled it
2. The one that got away
3. Lionheart Dick's Saracen shoot
4. Constantinople Dreamin
 
The Fifth one failed, the Sixth one was successful (I think Jerusalem was retaken by the Holy Roman Emperor), the Children's one failed, the Iberian ones succeeded, the Baltic ones sort of succeeded, the one against the Cathar heresy succeeded, the Nicopolis one failed, the Louis IX ones failed, the Ninth I think succeeded like the Sixth in ensuring temporary victory for the Kingdom of Jerusalem, the Balaeric one was an utter victory, the Nicopolis and Smyrnite ones were failures, the Hussite ones succeeded, and beyond that, I don't know.
Very good point. So, the way it's taught in school as being "four" crusades is already a clean up of reality.

With the children's crusade, they were sold into slavery. It's comico-tragico all at once. Someone should have seen something ahead of time.

And if there was a pro-peace ruler in Levant or along the way, they sure missed a long-term opportunity. Treat the children decently, make sure they have nannies, maybe even some noble women who volunteer for the task. Transport the children back with their nannies, and a small military escort, and perhaps a trade minister or two.

And on this last point, there may be enough potential upside to make the humanitarian endeavor a good move on financial considerations alone.

*this is my theory of salvation through trade! (at times overstated, but not always)
 
Very good point. So, the way it's taught in school as being "four" crusades is already a clean up of reality.

Hmm, I was taught in school that there were eight of them, and now it seems like the consensus is nine or more.

How did your teacher condense them all into just four?
 
Well, for starters, when I began my senior year in high school, Jimmy Carter was still president! Now, by the end of the year, it was Ronald Reagan. So yes, 10th grade world history was a fair number of years ago.

Plus, I think in John Green's generally very good crash course on world history, he mainly talked about the four well-publicized ones. Or, at the very least, he did not go heavy and hard against the 'conventional' wisdom that it's only four.
 
1. All your base are belong to us.
2. What?
3. Legolas the Crusader in the swimming olympics.
4. What happens when you use Apple Maps for crusades.
 

TinyTartar

Banned
Hmm, I was taught in school that there were eight of them, and now it seems like the consensus is nine or more.

How did your teacher condense them all into just four?

The thing about Crusades is that while there were 9 Levantine Crusades, there were even more Crusades that were localized religiously motivated military campaigns, primarily in the Iberian and Baltic regions, as well as some fought against heresy, like the Hussite and Cathar Crusades.

The Levantine Crusades get the most attention, but they were the most ridiculously impossible ones that mostly failed (albeit, the fact that there was ANY success says to me more about the disunity of Arab dynasties at this point in time).
 
From the French Kings' perspective:

1) Guys, you're not going to believe this. So this Pope, he comes smack dab in the middle of my kingdom and begin to preach and preach and preach. First he gets the peasants to up and leave and a year or two after that, most of my nobles go after them on this so-called crusade and then I get a message that they actually made it all the way and celebrated by killing everybody inside the city. I swear, half of the earldoms and duchies in France don't have a leader anymore and I have a good mind to snatch a few, since they buggered off and found new places to rule. Serve the quitters right.

2) Guys, you're not going to believe this. So, I burn this church down (don't we all?) and then I swear to go on crusade because this abbot has been on my case. I mean who hasn't burnt a church down right in the middle of a good sack, amirite or amirite, fellas? We go down there and the Turks are really not understansting fellas and it all turns out that this was my wife's plan to shag – get this! her own uncle.

3) Guys, you're not going to believe this. So I swear I'm going on crusade, third time's the charm, yada, yada, yada. I go there and this prick Richard has decided he is going to show off by conquering Cyprus. So I get sick and lose all my hair and my nails and that's it for me, folks, especially since the other guy has gone and drowned himself (gee, if he didn't want to come, he just had to say so, talk about a drama king). I'm gonna get me some of that sweet Normandy cider. I bet you the prick is gonna get captured on his way back and mortgage his kingdom just to get back. And then he is gonna say some very mean thing about me and my morality, just because he doesn't understand realpolitik. Wait till I have his brother over a barrel.

4) Guys, this time, you're really not going to believe this. I mean, getting into the wrong country and sacking a city just to pay your ticket? That was supposed to be OUR thing next time. Well, we'll just skip the fifth and sixth show, because we don't want to look like we're just following a trend. Bloody Venetian showoffs. We'll show them. We'll show them all. Just wait for the seventh and the eighth, oh, the eighth, we're gonna besiege a city even further from the Holy Land and all die of an epidemic. That's dedication. That's art.
 

TinyTartar

Banned
Very good point. So, the way it's taught in school as being "four" crusades is already a clean up of reality.

With the children's crusade, they were sold into slavery. It's comico-tragico all at once. Someone should have seen something ahead of time.

And if there was a pro-peace ruler in Levant or along the way, they sure missed a long-term opportunity. Treat the children decently, make sure they have nannies, maybe even some noble women who volunteer for the task. Transport the children back with their nannies, and a small military escort, and perhaps a trade minister or two.

And on this last point, there may be enough potential upside to make the humanitarian endeavor a good move on financial considerations alone.

*this is my theory of salvation through trade! (at times overstated, but not always)

The Children's Crusade saw almost nobody actually get to the Levant. The kids were mostly dying of exposure and disease before even getting anywhere, and those who managed to get to the Baltics were snatched up by slave traders. It was basically just an aberration of really poor urban peasantry getting swept up into something foolish. The Church even tried to tell them not to go, and in some cases, set aside room in their orphanages for some of the stragglers to find shelter in.

Basically, it was just a really sad event in human history that most secular rulers were too unaware of to do anything about.
 
From the Crusaders' perspective:

1. We win. Break out the champagne and help me put up this cross!

2. Well that was disappointing.

3. Fuck you Kingdom of Jerusalem. If you could have kept your shit together we wouldn't be in this position.

4. It's just a little detour.

From the Muslim perspective:

1. The infidels won. Hear our lamentations.

2. We win! Break out the spring water and help me tear down this cross!

3. Yo' Crusaders are so stupid they forgot to get water.

4. There was a Crusade going on?
 
From the French Kings' perspective:

1) Guys, you're not going to believe this. So this Pope, he comes smack dab in the middle of my kingdom and begin to preach and preach and preach. First he gets the peasants to up and leave and a year or two after that, most of my nobles go after them on this so-called crusade and then I get a message that they actually made it all the way and celebrated by killing everybody inside the city. I swear, half of the earldoms and duchies in France don't have a leader anymore and I have a good mind to snatch a few, since they buggered off and found new places to rule. Serve the quitters right.

2) Guys, you're not going to believe this. So, I burn this church down (don't we all?) and then I swear to go on crusade because this abbot has been on my case. I mean who hasn't burnt a church down right in the middle of a good sack, amirite or amirite, fellas? We go down there and the Turks are really not understansting fellas and it all turns out that this was my wife's plan to shag – get this! her own uncle.

3) Guys, you're not going to believe this. So I swear I'm going on crusade, third time's the charm, yada, yada, yada. I go there and this prick Richard has decided he is going to show off by conquering Cyprus. So I get sick and lose all my hair and my nails and that's it for me, folks, especially since the other guy has gone and drowned himself (gee, if he didn't want to come, he just had to say so, talk about a drama king). I'm gonna get me some of that sweet Normandy cider. I bet you the prick is gonna get captured on his way back and mortgage his kingdom just to get back. And then he is gonna say some very mean thing about me and my morality, just because he doesn't understand realpolitik. Wait till I have his brother over a barrel.

4) Guys, this time, you're really not going to believe this. I mean, getting into the wrong country and sacking a city just to pay your ticket? That was supposed to be OUR thing next time. Well, we'll just skip the fifth and sixth show, because we don't want to look like we're just following a trend. Bloody Venetian showoffs. We'll show them. We'll show them all. Just wait for the seventh and the eighth, oh, the eighth, we're gonna besiege a city even further from the Holy Land and all die of an epidemic. That's dedication. That's art.
U wish AH.com had an rating system now because this is some comedy gold right here.:D

Anyway here are my 4 crusades:

1. The one that actually suceded in it's goal.

2. The one that no one remembers besides the fact it failed.

3. The one that invovled an Lionhearted man and an highly romatacised worthy opponent.

4. The one that invovled Venice going "You know what, Fuck yo city Greeks! We want Munnie and you are the closest target we have!"
 
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