Reporting for Duty: The Presidency of John Kerry and Beyond

John Edwards- great hair, empty skull, and missing spine.
The best assessment of him I've heard yet. Absolutely. A total scumbag. I remember my grandmother being so horrified by the scandal that she was hoping it'd be untrue, not because she was an Edwards supporter (quite the contrary - she wanted Newt and later Fred Thompson in '08), but because it was simply unfathomable to her that someone, even a politician, could be that big of a douche.

Edit: Sorry if this is current politics - I am going to end this timeline's phase after the 2008 election and move everything that follows it to a second thread in Chat. If I could just be indulged for, like, a handful more updates, I'd really appreciate it. We're close to Bush III/Kerry's second term/the inevitable Jesse Ventura Greenslide,
 
The best assessment of him I've heard yet. Absolutely. A total scumbag. I remember my grandmother being so horrified by the scandal that she was hoping it'd be untrue, not because she was an Edwards supporter (quite the contrary - she wanted Newt and later Fred Thompson in '08), but because it was simply unfathomable to her that someone, even a politician, could be that big of a douche.

Edit: Sorry if this is current politics - I am going to end this timeline's phase after the 2008 election and move everything that follows it to a second thread in Chat. If I could just be indulged for, like, a handful more updates, I'd really appreciate it. We're close to Bush III/Kerry's second term/the inevitable Jesse Ventura Greenslide,
I will indulge you a few more posts since I’m enjoying this.

Curious what grandma Space Spy’s take on Newt’s colored history with sick wives and adultery was, then, if she (very understandably) reacted as such to Edwards’ douchebaggery
 
I will indulge you a few more posts since I’m enjoying this.

Curious what grandma Space Spy’s take on Newt’s colored history with sick wives and adultery was, then, if she (very understandably) reacted as such to Edwards’ douchebaggery
My Grandma was a trip. She would like someone (politically - personally she was not two faced at all) and turn on them on a dime if they did something that let down the broader conservative movement. For example, she had every book Ann Coulter ever published in her apartment, but when Ann Coulter turned on Trump, my grandma literally said, without a hint of irony, that "she never liked her anyway."

I was a big Ron Paul guy in 2012, so I was always trying to get her on board. She liked Paul, but was still convinced that the Bush era GOP foreign policy was not totally, 100% discredited - not yet, at least - so she was more inclined to a hawkish candidate. Her sister up in Pennsylvania didn't like Santorum, Paul was too pro-marijuana/anti-war, Mitt was a moderate, and so that left her with Newt. I can't really recall what she thought about the 2008 candidates (I was 10/11/12 years old during that cycle) as much, other than that she wanted Newt to run at the time. She was a daily Fox News viewer from the day the network went on the air to the day she died, which had a yuge role in her political outlook.

She was actually a big Rick Perry supporter initially. She literally used to refer to him as "her boyfriend." But Perry was out of the race by the Florida primary, and thus Newt was the last man standing. She was an enthusiastic Trump supporter from the day he came down the elevator, which was funny, because she had previously planned to support Perry again even after the "oops" fiasco. Kinda ironic that Trump won her support by launching his campaign with an opening salvo against Perry, claiming that the Texas Governor "sweated like a dog" during his announcement speech and later cracked that "Perry only wears glasses to make people think he's smart." IIRC, Perry was the first guy out in 2015.

God do I miss her.
 
My Grandma was a trip. She would like someone (politically - personally she was not two faced at all) and turn on them on a dime if they did something that let down the broader conservative movement. For example, she had every book Ann Coulter ever published in her apartment, but when Ann Coulter turned on Trump, my grandma literally said, without a hint of irony, that "she never liked her anyway."

I was a big Ron Paul guy in 2012, so I was always trying to get her on board. She liked Paul, but was still convinced that the Bush era GOP foreign policy was not totally, 100% discredited - not yet, at least - so she was more inclined to a hawkish candidate. Her sister up in Pennsylvania didn't like Santorum, Paul was too pro-marijuana/anti-war, Mitt was a moderate, and so that left her with Newt. I can't really recall what she thought about the 2008 candidates (I was 10/11/12 years old during that cycle) as much, other than that she wanted Newt to run at the time. She was a daily Fox News viewer from the day the network went on the air to the day she died, which had a yuge role in her political outlook.

She was actually a big Rick Perry supporter initially. She literally used to refer to him as "her boyfriend." But Perry was out of the race by the Florida primary, and thus Newt was the last man standing. She was an enthusiastic Trump supporter from the day he came down the elevator, which was funny, because she had previously planned to support Perry again even after the "oops" fiasco. Kinda ironic that Trump won her support by launching his campaign with an opening salvo against Perry, claiming that the Texas Governor "sweated like a dog" during his announcement speech and later cracked that "Perry only wears glasses to make people think he's smart." IIRC, Perry was the first guy out in 2015.

God do I miss her.
Perry’s oops fiasco only happened because he was high out of his mind on painkillers after the back surgery that delayed his entry in 2011; I always thought he’d have been a pretty formidable candidate in his own right, and Team Obama agreed - he was the ‘12 candidate they thought they had the biggest risk of losing to.

Not that I’d have voted for him, but still. That’d be an interesting butterfly though too close to Current Politics
 
My Grandma was a trip. She would like someone (politically - personally she was not two faced at all) and turn on them on a dime if they did something that let down the broader conservative movement. For example, she had every book Ann Coulter ever published in her apartment, but when Ann Coulter turned on Trump, my grandma literally said, without a hint of irony, that "she never liked her anyway."

I was a big Ron Paul guy in 2012, so I was always trying to get her on board. She liked Paul, but was still convinced that the Bush era GOP foreign policy was not totally, 100% discredited - not yet, at least - so she was more inclined to a hawkish candidate. Her sister up in Pennsylvania didn't like Santorum, Paul was too pro-marijuana/anti-war, Mitt was a moderate, and so that left her with Newt. I can't really recall what she thought about the 2008 candidates (I was 10/11/12 years old during that cycle) as much, other than that she wanted Newt to run at the time. She was a daily Fox News viewer from the day the network went on the air to the day she died, which had a yuge role in her political outlook.

She was actually a big Rick Perry supporter initially. She literally used to refer to him as "her boyfriend." But Perry was out of the race by the Florida primary, and thus Newt was the last man standing. She was an enthusiastic Trump supporter from the day he came down the elevator, which was funny, because she had previously planned to support Perry again even after the "oops" fiasco. Kinda ironic that Trump won her support by launching his campaign with an opening salvo against Perry, claiming that the Texas Governor "sweated like a dog" during his announcement speech and later cracked that "Perry only wears glasses to make people think he's smart." IIRC, Perry was the first guy out in 2015.

God do I miss her.
Dang I miss Grandma NSS too :(
 
With regards to Edwards, it's one thing to cheat on your wife--hell, many politicians and famous people (and ordinary people) in many countries have done it. It's another to have a child with your lover--many politicians (look at French president Francois Mitterrand, for instance) and others have done so.

To do both, while your wife (and the mother of your children) is dying of cancer is a whole new level of asshole (and, to make it worse, have your chief aide claim that he's the father of the child--if I had been that aide, I would have told him to shove it, and then my next call would have been to the Washington Post or New York Times)...
 
With regards to Edwards, it's one thing to cheat on your wife--hell, many politicians and famous people (and ordinary people) in many countries have done it. It's another to have a child with your lover--many politicians (look at French president Francois Mitterrand, for instance) and others have done so.

To do both, while your wife (and the mother of your children) is dying of cancer is a whole new level of asshole (and, to make it worse, have your chief aide claim that he's the father of the child--if I had been that aide, I would have told him to shove it, and then my next call would have been to the Washington Post or New York Times)...
And he embezzled campaign funds to cover the whole affair up, IIRC.
 
And he embezzled campaign funds to cover the whole affair up, IIRC.
Oh, that's the icing on the cake, isn't it?

The only thing worse would be if he'd tried to hire a hitman to take out his wife or mistress or killed either one himself; that's already happened in Canada, when a Canadian politician, Colin Thatcher, was convicted of murdering his ex-wife, JoAnn, after a bitter divorce and custody fight...
 
I appreciate how someone more digestible and moderate got the Libertarian nomination. Same can't be said about the Constitution Party, but what're you gonna do. Kinda wondering who's gonna get the Green nomination this time around.
 
Oh, that's the icing on the cake, isn't it?

The only thing worse would be if he'd tried to hire a hitman to take out his wife or mistress or killed either one himself; that's already happened in Canada, when a Canadian politician, Colin Thatcher, was convicted of murdering his ex-wife, JoAnn, after a bitter divorce and custody fight...
That was quite the Wikipedia rabbit hole. Dear lord
 
Chapter XXXXIV: June 2008. New
Chapter Forty Four:

On June 2nd, an immigrant from Sudan inspired by the invective of Islamist militant Anwar al-Awlaki, entered a synagogue in suburban Detroit and opened fire, injuring eight people before his pistol jammed. He then fled on foot, with survivors of the shooting chasing after him, and he was quickly spotted, tackled, and detained by the same people he attempted to slaughter until he was eventually arrested by first responders. While on the surface, the attack seems minor - after all, there were no fatalities and only twelve shots were fired total - the incident remains a cause for great concern, particularly in Washington at the Department of Homeland Security. The gunman, who is later tried and convicted in 2009 for the shooting and sentenced to life in prison, was not on the radar of authorities in the leadup to the shooting, and the "lone wolf" style attack is an indication that the influence of Al-Awlaki is growing globally in the internet age. Jane Harman, the Secretary of Homeland of Security, confirmed that the suspect did not have any ties or communication with any known members of Al Qaeda or other international or domestic terrorist groups.


1642343800430.png

Presidents Uribe and Chavez.
Tensions continue to rise in Latin America, with both Colombian President Uribe and Venezuelan President Chavez trading allegations against each other about various plots to overthrow their respective governments. Having already demonstrated to the world that the leftist Chavez regime had been arming FARC militants in his country, Uribe continued to insist that FARC commando "Karina" had not been illegally extracted from Venezuelan territory the month before and traveled to Washington to meet with President Kerry as media speculation about the "Andean Crisis" continued to play out in print and on the airwaves. But shortly after Uribe's return, the continent was rocked by yet another major development. In a planned ambush, Colombian forces halted and seized a convoy of civilian trucks that had crossed the border from Venezuela. Upon inspecting the vehicles, over 75,000 rounds of ammunition for AK-47's were discovered, while the lead driver was revealed to have been an intelligence operative with connections to several figures in President Hugo Chavez’s orbit in Caracas. The discovery is enough for Secretary of State Holbrooke to announce the addition of Venezuela to the State Department’s list of state sponsors of terrorism, a move he hoped would cow Chavez into submission and end his efforts to interfere in his neighbor's internal affairs. In response, Chavez threatens to prohibit the sale of Venezuelan oil to the United States before issuing a similar threat to the European Union.

Though America did not rely primarily on Venezuelan oil, a hypothetical embargo couldn’t have come at a worse time, which tied the administration’s hands. Turmoil in the Middle East and a slowing economy caused oil prices to spike to an all time high of $147 per barrel, which had a serious impact on the price of gasoline. The high prices made domestic travel within the United States considerably more expensive, resulting in the summer tourism season being less profitable as more and more Americans were prevented from vacationing due to financial constrains. The oil crisis compelled the Republican Congress to begin calling for President Kerry to end the ban on offshore drilling to alleviate the high gas prices, but Kerry makes it clear that he would veto any such bill. Chavez capitalized on the high fuel prices, traveling to Mexico City to meet with President Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador as part of a scheme to enlist Mexico's support in a potential global oil embargo against the United States, but the Mexican President was not interested in the plan. In fact, only Iran and Libya voiced any support for Chavez, whose efforts to start an energy crisis earned him the ire of the American media.

On June 13th, Tim Russert collapsed and died while filming a pre-recorded interview for NBC’s Meet the Press. The iconic host of America’s flagship political program was lauded throughout Washington by a wide array of media and political figures, while Tom Brokaw took over as interim host of the most influential Sunday show. The death of Tim Russert was widely mourned across the country, with Republicans and Democrats alike praising his legacy of objectivity and sharp questioning of guests. At a widely attended memorial service held in Washington, President Kerry eulogized the media giant as “a journalistic giant" and "a titan of television."

With Bush now the presumptive GOP nominee, the former Florida Governor tasks former Vice President Cheney to lead the search for his running mate. The irony of Cheney reprising his role in a Bush campaign's VP vetting process was not lost on many Democrats, considering how Cheney had used the same process to maneuver himself onto the Republican ticket in 2000. The old cliches of the Bush family being dominated by Cheney emerged again, with the Democrats dusting off their playbook from the early days of the Iraq War to blast the Bush dynasty as being nothing more than puppets for powerful special interest groups. But Cheney, who had suffered countless heart attacks by this point in time, was no longer interested in pursuing elected office - this time around, Cheney was truly invested in finding a running mate for Governor Bush who could effectively balance the ticket and present the strongest challenge to President Kerry. Preliminary discussions between the presumptive nominee and the former Vice President raised a number of potential names; among those mentioned most often were Senators Allen, Brownback, DeMint, and Steele, as well as Governors Christie, Huntsman, Jindal, Kilgore, Pataki, Pawlenty, Palin, Sanford, and Vander Platts, though no official shortlist was released or leaked. Though Bush was more or less acceptable if also unexciting to the GOP base, many in the presumptive nominee’s inner circle encouraged Bush to select a conservative to balance the ticket and unite the party’s various ideological wings against President Kerry.


1642343887912.png

Cheney's role in the VP vetting process was a source of controversy for the Bush campaign.
As the presidential race continued, Vice President Edwards was again pressed by reporters about allegations of infidelity, a rumor which Edwards bitterly and tersely denied during a tense press conference. Edwards accuses the Republican Party of “swift-boating” him, blaming Governor Bush for “trafficking in lies" and "perpetuating the Lee Atwater legacy of dirty tricks and hurtful smears." Adding to his tirade, Edwards takes a swipe at the GOP nominee’s brother and father, claiming that “the Bushes play dirty.” While the swirling rumors around the Vice President provide fodder for conservatives and conspiracy theories for the right, a much more pressing and polarizing concern emerged.

In District of Columbia vs. Heller, the Supreme Court ruled 5-4 to uphold the District’s ban on handguns in a historic and earth shattering ruling. Writing the majority opinion in Justice John Paul Stevens, who argued that the second amendment applies only to those who are members of militias. The decision is decried by the National Rifle Association, while Congresswoman Carolyn McCarthy (D-NY) and Senator Diane Feinstein (D-CA) join forces in order to push through sweeping gun control legislation. Republican presumptive nominee Jeb Bush vowed to appoint pro-2nd amendment judges and vowed to work toward the overturning of the ruling.

The fight for the Farm Bill remained locked in a stalemate for most of the month as the Congress and President disputed whether or not the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program should be included as part of the package. Ultimately, the House voted on Speaker Dreier's bill by a margin of 222-213, which gutted farm subsidies and deregulated large agro-businesses in exchange for fully funding the food stamp program. But it met opposition within the Senate, where Democrats decried the compromise. Joined by Senator Chafee (I-RI), the Democratic minority in the Senate filibustered the bill, which they claimed would compromise America’s food supply.


1642343551938.png
2008 Presidential Election
(REP) Jeb Bush: 48%
(DEM) John Kerry: 45%
Undecided: 6%
Other: 1%

Presidential Approval Rating
Disapprove: 51%
Approve: 45%
Undecided: 4%

Note: This chapter was written over a year ago, and the incident described in Detroit was not in any way inspired by the ongoing hostage situation in Texas tonight. Thankfully, in the time since I started editing this update ahead of posting it, the situation has appeared to come to an end.
 
Holy shit. SCOTUS really did just say "2nd Amendment is meaningless" this is going to ensure a tidal wave of pro-gun support for whoever promises to overturn this.

Regardless of Jeb being as exciting as a tapioca pudding, unless he only expresses mild disdain or none at all for this result, he's going to win in 2008 on the back of these prevailing winds and despite his flaws.
 
Oh god Edwards fucking this up for Kerry is a real possibility, isn't it? Or if not here, then definitely when it comes to midterms and the 2012 election. Can't wait to see who Jeb picks to be his vice-president.
 
Oh god Edwards fucking this up for Kerry is a real possibility, isn't it? Or if not here, then definitely when it comes to midterms and the 2012 election. Can't wait to see who Jeb picks to be his vice-president.

I doubt lightning would strike twice, BUT, with Edwards still on the road to ruin (and a possibility of an earlier Metoo movement), I could see the Bush campaign start looking into a female running mate. 😉
 
Honestly, kinda hoping that the evidence against Edwards grows much sooner rather than later - he needs to get dumped from the ticket.
 
Top