A bit dated - it was from the '70s - but still good stuff. Basically, though: it's almost (but not completely) impossible for one person to steal enough material to make an actual nuclear weapon without being caught, especially if it's supposed to be done all at once, instead of over a period of years. Even if they did manage to get the material, it's unlikely that a single person would have all of the different skills - nuclear physics, explosives, machining - to turn it into a nuclear weapon.
So I went and did this:
Well, I left Kentucky back in forty nine
An' went to Denver workin' on a 'sembly line
The first year they had me puttin' fins on nuclear packs
Every day I'd watch them beauties roll by
And sometimes I'd hang my head and cry
'Cause I always wanted me one that was long and black.
One day I devised myself a plan
That should be the envy of most any man
I'd sneak it out of there in a lunchbox in my hand
Now gettin' caught meant gettin' fired
But I figured I'd have it all by the time I retired
I'd have me a bomb worth at least a hundred grand.
I'd get it one piece at a time
And it wouldn't cost me a dime
You'll know it's me when I come through your town
I'm gonna ride around in style
I'm gonna drive Geiger counters wild
'Cause I'll have the only one there is around.
So the very next day when I punched in
With my big lunchbox and with help from my friends
I left that day with a lunch box full of gear
I've never considered myself a thief
But the AEC wouldn't miss just one little piece
Especially if I strung it out over several years.
The first day I got me a tritium pump
And the next day I got me a plutonium lump
Then I got me a transmitter and all the chrome
The little things I could get in my big lunchbox
Like nuts, an' bolts, and all the trigger locks
But the big stuff we snuck out in my buddy's mobile home.
Now, up to now my plan went all right
'Til we tried to put it all together one night
And that's when we noticed that something was definitely wrong.
The transmitter was from a Mk. 13
And the core turned out to be from a B53
And when we tried to put in the bolts all the holes were gone.
So we drilled it out so that it would fit
And with a little bit of help with an adapter kit
We had that core sizzlin' just like a bomb
Now the radar probes' was another sight
We had two on the left and one on the right
But when we pulled out the switch all three of 'em come on.
The back end looked kinda funny too
But we put it together and when we got through
Well, that's when we noticed that we only had one tail-fin
About that time my wife walked out
And I could see in her eyes that she had her doubts
But she opened the door and said "Honey, take me for a spin."
So we drove up town just to get the tags
And I headed her right on down main drag
I could hear everybody runnin' for blocks around
But up there at the AEC they didn't laugh
'Cause they had to investigate all the staff
And when they got through the file weighed sixty pounds.
I got it one piece at a time
And it wouldn't cost me a dime
You'll know it's me when I come through your town
I'm gonna ride around in style
I'm gonna drive Geiger counters wild
'Cause I'll have the only one there is around.
Ugh! Yeah, RED ROMEO
This is COTTON MIKE
With the PSYCHO-BILLY BOMB Come on
Huh, This is the COTTON MIKE
And negatory on the cost of this mow-chine there RED ROMEO
You might say I went right up to the factory
And picked it up, it's cheaper that way
Ugh!, what model is it?
Well, It's a Mk. 4, Mk. 5, Mk. 6, Mk. 7, Mk. 8, Mk. 9, Mk. 10
Mk. 11, Mk. 12, Mk. 13 atomic bomb
It's a Mk. 14, Mk. 15, Mk. 16, Mk. 17, Mk. 21, Mk. 24, Mk. 28, Mk. 36, Mk. 39, Mk. 41, Mk. 46
Mk. 53, Mk. 57, Mk. 61 thermonuclear bomb.