John Connally lost, as everyone thought he would from the moment he took office; though an equally strange feeling was also experienced when Wallace won. It was like when a plot twist for a TV show is spoiled by a friend and you finally catch up to the episode when it happens.
The tone of the Wallace Presidency was set at his inauguration - held on a cold day with wind chill (much like Belfast every day of the year). Paying tribute to his predecessor personally during his inaugural address, his speech was markedly populist and nationalistic in tone and rather dark. Wallace pledged to end what he called the ‘American carnage’ which was seen in throughout a ‘land of abandoned factories, economic angst and rising crime’ as well as pledging ‘a new era in American politics’ (T R U M P R E F E R E N C E S). Over the coming weeks Wallace’s cabinet would take shape.
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Secretary of state Scoop jackson
At the State Department was Senator Henry M. ‘Scoop’ Jackson - a noted NeoCon from Washington and not at all sponsored by Ben & Jerry’s. For Defence Wallace selected Polish-American counselor to President Johnson and uber Hawk Zbigniew Brzezinski. Wallace surprisingly named the Chair of the Alabama Democratic Party Robert Smith Vance as his Attorney General. Vance who had fought with Wallace for control over the Alabama state party’s apparatus was seen as a thorn in Wallace’s side - but this was the New Wallace (and it also conveniently left the Chairmanship position open for someone like, say future Senator Fob James). Wallace wanted to make it clear that HE WAS SORRY, like Owen Meany in the John Irving novel
A Prayer For Owen Meany. Other nominations would include Daniel Patrick Moynihan (HUD), Reubin Askew (Commerce), Mario Procaccino (Transport), William B. Fitzgerald, Jr. (Labor) and Wilbur Mills (Treasury). Reaching across the aisle, Wallace would nominate Republicans Gordon McLendon (Agriculture) and Wally Hickel (Interior). McLendon’s nominated raised eyebrows in Washington due to his interesting behavior. He was known for playing elaborate pranks on political heavyweights such as J. Edgar Hoover and Richard Nixon. This upset freshman Arkansas Congressman Bill Clinton, who was still using the Prank Invasion “quick game for a quick kiss” method on female staffers. Wallace’s choice for Chief of Staff was Tom Turnipseed (remember that Governor of South Carolina who ran for the Democratic nomination in ‘04 as the Wallacite candidate but lost to I?) who had been his South Carolina co-ordinator back in 1968.
President Wallace’s politics were something uniquely American, like a fat Baby Boomer playing the Beach Boys out of a Cadillac, and he knew that. The G7 summit of 1977 between was when a teacher puts together a group of kids that loathe each other in a table without knowing them. Tensions between the world leaders reached a breaking point between American and French delegations. Wallace and de Gaulle The Younger had a disagreement over an unknown subject matter. Wallace and Gordon McLendon, the previously mentioned Agriculture Secretary, started attacking their French counterparts, with McLendon calling de Gaulle an “ungrateful four-flusher" who could "go straight to hell. Following this, de Gaulle attempted to flip over Wallace’s wheelchair before a quick intervention from John Turner (W O R L D B U I L D I N G). The meeting between normal allies ended up horribly, with each leader acting in a similar manner to when Carlton from Fresh Prince starting running around the set and into the studio audience. 1977 would see several important events that I will now cherry pick from the 1977 wikipedia article.
- In Feburary 1977 Australian Labor leader and Australian Prime Minister Gough Whitlam was scalped in a leadership spill by the right-leaning Catholic MP for Grayndler and self-appointed parliamentary humourist Fred Daly. Daly would go on to win the federal election later that year over Malcolm Fraser, who in traditional Australian political standards was scalped by the man he had scalped in March 1975 - Billy Snedden.
- March 1977 would see Indira Gandhi and her Congress Party defeated in a landslide by Moraji Desai and the Janata Party who ran for a restoration of democracy and a repudiation of the State of Emergency.
- May 1977 would see the centre-left Alignment party win re-election under Shimon Peres despite a valiant challenge by the conservative Likud party.
- June 1977 would see the convicted assassin of Martin Luther King, James Earl Ray escape from the Brushy Mountain State Prison in Tennessee - he has not been heard from since and is expected to have fled to Mexico, one of the "Axis of Evil" nations, Jacksonville or some other sort of desolate place.
- June would also see the first democratic elections in Spain in forty-one years - the election saw the socialist PSOE win a plurality and would form a government led by its leader Felipe Gonzales with the far-left Communist Party.
- July 1977 would see blackouts in New York City which lasted for over a day and resulted in looting, general disorder and other stuff that is normal in Detroit.
- August 1977 would see the Quebec Union Nationale government of Rodrigue Biron propose that Canada become an officially bilingual country - this was rejected by the Liberal majority government of John Turner.
- October 1977 would see the last natural smallpox case discovered in southern Somalia - this is now considered to be the date of the eradication of smallpox.
- November 1977 would see a general election held in South Africa. The election resulted in a dramatic result with the National Party being surprisingly returned for another term in office - something no one clearly would have expected. The party did lose over a dozen seats owing to the high polling far-right Herstigte Nasionale Party which one a single seat and which split the right-wing vote enabling the conservative opposition New Republic Party to win fifty seats.
What kind of an idiot would right a timeline about this?
The 1978 wikipedia page is also interesting and I will now copy+paste from it now.
- After months of stalemate after a general election in June 1977, Turkey would finally see a somewhat stable government formed by Bulent Ecevit of the long governing Republican People’s Party (CHP). Ecevit was able to form a coalition government with Independent and smaller party entities after months of back and forth between the CHP and the opposing moderate conservative Justice Party and the smaller Islamist National Salvation Party.
- February would see the process of Rhodesia transitioning into a multiracial nation begin.
- Former Italian Prime Minister Aldo Moro was nearly kidnapped in March 1978 by members of the far left Red Brigade - Moro would spearhead an historic political alliance and accommodation - the ‘Historic Compromise’ between his Christian Democracy party and the Italian Communist Party under Prime Minister Berlinguer. Italy's brief expiriment with a non-CD led government was one notable political disaster for the PCI, and after the landslide defeat of Berlinguer in the next election, Christian Democracy and their allies would lead the Italians to this day.
- April would see President Wallace decide to push ahead with the production of the neutron bomb - a weapon which would kill people with radiation but leave buildings relatively intact. President Wallace would also seek to block a potential handover of the Panama Canal to Panama after the Senate voted by well over two-thirds to begin the transition of control to Panama by December 31, 1999 (A S G O O D A S F O R E V E R).
- Later that April, President Mohammed Daoud Khan of Afghanistan was nearly assassinated by several communists in the Arg - the former royal palace (Daoud had overthrown his cousin Mohammed Zahir Shah - the King of Afghanistan in 1973). This move would concern President Wallace who was informed by both his SecState and SecDef that this was a concerted move by the Kremlin to take over Afghanistan. One angry phone call with the General Secretary later and moves were put in place to have US ‘peacekeepers’ installed to help the Daoud regime.
- May 1978 would see the United Kingdom go to the polls after four years of a Conservative-Liberal-Unionist coalition government after a hung parliament in 1974. The 1978 general election would see the country return to some semblance of normality with the Labour Party under Michael Foot winning a strong majority in the general election. Labour won 370 seats, the Tories won 230, the Liberals won 10, the SNP increased its showing to 7 seats, Plaid Cymru won a single seat, the Scottish Labour Party of Jim Sillars held onto his Ayrshire seat, Democratic Labour MP Dick Taverne held Lincoln and Independent Labour MPs Edward Milne and Peter Mahon held Blyth and Liverpool Scotland respectively. In Walsall North the rogue Labour frontbencher who attempted to fake his own death and who was sensationally acquitted of a litany of fraud and forgery charges and who defected to the minor English National Party - yeah he held his seat. Britain had a new Prime Minister - hopefully he would work a bit better with Washington rather than focussing towards Europe?
- August would see the death of Pope Paul as a result of a heart attack at the Papal summer residence of Castel Gandolfo. In the Papal Conclave later than month the College of Cardinals would elect the conservative Archbishop of Genoa, Gisueppe Siri who took the Papal name Gregory XVII.
- By September 1978 negotiations between Egypt and Israel would result in the signing of the Camp David Accords - a personal triumph for President Wallace who quoted John Wayne that “once you’ve got them ball the balls - their hearts and minds will follow.” For this Presidents Wallace and Sadat and Prime Minister Peres would all share that year’s Nobel Peace Prize.
- October would see the election of Pik Botha as leader of the National Party of South Africa and as Prime Minister of South Africa - Botha a liberal in the ruling National Party, he would see a gradually opening of the Apartheid regime and the gradual enfranchisement of coloured individuals (for dismantling Apartheid was too far for the NP) - this would see the party’s hardline wing split off to form the Conservative Party led by former Information Minister Connie Mulder.
- Later that month one of the most important events of 1978 would occur - the signing into law of a bill which allowed the homebrewing of beer in the US. This event would mark the start of the American War on the three greatest evils of the 20th century - communism, drugs and alcohol-free beer.
- November would see the sacking of the British embassy in Tehran as well as the passage of the Briggs Initiative in California which prohibited gay school teachers - something argued by former-singer turned family values campaigner Anita Bryant.
- In Guyana a mass suicide of members of the Peoples Temple cult in Jonestown occurred with nearly a thousand mostly Americans after the cult leader Jim Jones ordered the mass murder-suicide to occur shortly after the assassination and attempted assassination of Congressmen Dan Quayle and Leo Ryan respectively. Further political violence would occur in San Francisco where former supervisor Dan White would gun down Mayor George Moscone, Supervisors Harvey Milk and Carol Ruth Silver as well as California State Assemblyman Willie Brown.
- In December of 1978 the US city of Cleveland became the first major US city to go into default since the Great Depression. Mayor Kucinich did not see such an occurrence, as for his fiscal brilliance with a bullet through the head courtesy of the Cleveland mafia who put out a hit on the Mayor after he refused to sell Cleveland Public Power the city’s publicly owned electricity utility. Later that month - it later emerged that they would have called off the hit if the city had defaulted earlier.
- Oh and there were also large protests in Iran - nothing would come of those.
Nah JK only lying
Iran had been controlled by the Shah and his family in the Pahlavi dynasty since 1925, with a Persian monarchy being in control of Iran for 2,500 years. However, many Iranians were upset with him modernizing with less conservative Islamic policies and being close with the United States. The country broke out into a civil war between the Shah’s royal modernist faction, Noureddin Kianouri’s pro-Soviet communists, Ruhollah Khomeini’s Islamist fundamentalists, and Karim Sanjabi’s nationalists. The conflict remained a stalemate, but the Shah’s faction was helped by the assistance of President Wallace, the wealthy parent getting his problematic child out of trouble. Wallace’s actions were attacked by members of the left-wing of both the Republicans and the Democrats, with figures such as Ron Dellums and Lowell Weicker attacking his move. However, many people, such as Secretary of State Scoop Jackson, supported his entry to prevent a communist or fundamentalist takeover of Iran, and the events in the 1978 midterms proved oddly beneficial to Wallace.
As the results came in, the Republicans made many gains despite Hubert Humphrey staying on as Senate Majority Leader. Interesting results included the victory of the right-wing Jeff Bell over veteran anti-war Senator Clifford Case in the Republican primary, with him being elected to the Senate as a firmly conservative Republican. Fellow conservative Richard D. Obenshain also held the Virginia Senate seat for the Republicans. One that was the most remarked on was the victory of James D. Martin, a far-right former segregationist who was called the “Alabama Harold Stassen” in the special election to replace Jim Allen. Ironically, these right-wing Republicans were actually helpful to Wallace in some respects, as they supported much of his agenda and were replacing backbench left-wing Democrats. However, there were others, like newly elected Minnesota Senator Harold "The actual Harold Stassen" Stassen, who were closer to the Democratic Party in many respects. Wallace was also able to appoint his protege, Walter Flowers, to the Supreme Court of the United States to replace William O. Douglas.
Wallace’s last months in office were ones of pain and suffering from the assassination attempt by Arthur Bremer in 1972 and the beginnings of his fight against Parkinson's disease. The Secret Service was forced to engage in feuds between the President and the First Lady, with both accusing each other of wiretapping. Wallace was unable to facilitate the duties of the presidency a few times, with him being forced to voluntary (and in a few cases involuntarily) hand over power to Clarence Mitchell in accordance to Sections 2 and 3 of the 25th Amendment. With the difficulties of his health, he tearfully announced to the nation that he could not run for a second term for the presidency.
Once George Wallace announced his “retirement to focus on politics” (Look, I used an OTL quote from another person!), there was one man that was ready to pick up where he left off. This man had a long history in politics, taking his first Congressional seat before Pearl Harbor and had been an accomplished Secretary of State. He’d been passed over by Kennedy in 1960, by the Democratic primaries of 1972 and 1976, and even the Hollywood Bachelor Girls Club’s list of the “Five Most Wanted Men” (to J. Edgar Hoover nonetheless). But now would be his time, and as Mitchell, Kennedy, and Brown declined to run under the political pressure, it was open and ripe for picking. His opponents ended up being limited to a series of no names, and Wayne Morse. Morse opposed Jackson’s hawkish foreign policy, and supported withdrawing from the War in Iran. The thought of an elderly career politician who seemed to have little attachment to the Democratic Party and who represented a mostly rural state winning, well that was just too much for most people. Then he won the Massachusetts Democratic primary in March 1980… and then much of the rest of the north-east outside of the generally Republican areas of New England (Vermont, New Hampshire and Northern Massachusetts). A series of Jackson wins in large (read: important) states - namely Florida (with a large retired Jewish vote which went handily to the strongly pro-Israel SecState) and Illinois (under the iron fist of Mayor Daley - though which Daley… I’m not gonna say). Morse still kept up his bid and won the California primary - a massive fillup for his campaign. Then during an interview with journalist Roger Mudd of of CBS, Senator Morse would keel over and die, thus ending one of the most quixotic Presidential campaigns since Horace Greeley in 1872 (the vegetarian atheist newspaper editor who ran as a Liberal Republican who died less than a month after the election in an insane asylum).
Meanwhile, the Republicans had a complete clown car of a field. Initially, it seemed John Connally would take the Republican Party’s ticket again, but his gripping post-presidency financial issues got in the way. Former Vice President Ronald Reagan also wanted to make a second go at the White House, but he suffered a death from an infection. This would leave the Goldwaterite wing of the Republican Party in shambles, lacking the figure that had inspired much of the party and the nation. In the end, the frontrunner appeared to be former Ambassador John Eisenhower, son of the former president. Despite being well-respected for his military service, his only major positions was as an ambassador and his campaign, with the slogan “I Still Like Ike”, was about as slick as sandpaper. His position was challenged on the right by the “law and order” New York Senator James Buckley, and from the left by Senator George Bush. Countless other candidates ran, from has-beens to celebrities. Throwing a wrench in the race was Pennsylvania Governor Frank Rizzo, who spent his campaign announcement speech controversially bashing Muslims while continuing the Nixonian consensus. Despite Rizzo only becoming a Republican in 1975, he quickly rose against Eisenhower in opinion polls as the anti-Rizzo field remained divided.
Before the Iowa caucus, a debate was held where the standoffs between the “lightweight” Eisenhower and Rizzo were highly documented. While Rizzo only finished second in their caucus (behind Buckley), he was ahead of Bush and miles ahead of Eisenhower. Meanwhile, Jackson only barely managed to hold on as Morse proved to be a strong challenge. New Hampshire’s populist base looked to be good news for the insurgent candidates, with Rizzo and Morse making their rivals’ support melt like an ice cube in New England clam chowder. The anti-war Senator Harold Stassen pulled a surprise second place showing by practically living in the state since his election to the Senate.
As the primaries ran on throughout the spring, reality kicked in. Rizzo managed to pull off plurality after plurality with his opponents attacking each other rather than the new frontrunner. The Republican establishment was desperate enough to support James Buckley, who wasn’t even a member of the GOP. Meanwhile, despite Morse gaining far more support than expected, Jackson’s delegate lead always remained stronger despite his supporters telling the world “how Morse can still win.” Despite speculation of a brokered convention on both sides, Rizzo and Jackson won their races after Buckley and Stassen dropped out and Jackson reached a majority.
Frank Rizzo the Republican nominee was the nominee for president in 1980
Rizzo’s VP shortlist included three odd choices; the hard-right North Carolina Senator Jesse Helms, Eisenhower cabinet member Ezra Taft Benson, and the Governor of Illinois Donald “CUE THE ARGUMENTS” Rumsfeld. As a fiery anti-elitist, it seemed that Rizzo would pick one of the first two. However, Rumsfeld allowed for an opening into the rich resources of campaign funds, with his long-time establishment connections. Rumsfeld was like a friend that you can’t stand, but you stay with because he’s more popular than you and the country club he’s a member of has the greatest ice cream you’ve had.
Jackson’s pick was often speculated to be Vice President Mitchell, who despite being on the left of the Democratic Party, was close to the establishment and showed leadership when he needed to stand in for George Wallace. Other choices included Delaware Senator Joe Biden and Iowa Senator Dick Clark, two relatively safe picks that would balance Jackson well. Finally, there was the “dream team” of Jackson and Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy, but it seemed that Kennedy was in no way interested in the job. Biden was eventually chosen (for while Kennedy was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, Biden was born with a foot in his mouth), with the thirty year age gap between the party nominees being noted by the media.
While Jackson reflected the typical values of the New Deal Democrats, the Rizzo platform was portrayed as a sharp turn - and while he was well to the right of Dewey or Rockefeller, Rizzo was a continuation of the Nixonian consensus. Rizzo’s unique personality proved to help his campaign if anything, with the media focusing on him rather than Jackson. Of course, Jackson would win the election.
Rizzo hoped to earn support among the “Silent Majority” that backed Nixon and Wallace. In an attack, Jackson referred to Rizzo’s supporters unfavorably, comparing them to the KKK and other far-right organizations. But this was a mere gaffe, and Jackson would win the election in a landslide.
A large scandal came out from when a tape of Governor Rizzo described African-Americans in racist ways and seemed to brag about him committing hate crimes. Public support for Rizzo went down, and Republican leaders condemned his candidacy. George Romney’s third party candidacy gained in the polls, and it looked like he would win in New England and in Utah. Jackson had already began camping outside of the White House like rich white people at the release day of the new iPhone.
Then, a last minute scandal involving allegedly illegal campaign contributions from defense contractors to Jackson took place, but Jackson would o b v i o u s l y w i n t h e e l e c t i o n. However, in a story that Frank Rizzo has constantly retold, Henry Jackson didn’t win. To the dismay of Democrats, and even some Republicans who only nominated him expecting to lose, Frank Rizzo won out. The causes of that have ranged from “alienation of the working class”, Gus Hall’s candidacy taking support away from the Democrats, Wallace’s civil rights program causing his supporters to leave him, low turnouts, the Jackson scandals, Rizzo reversing the pro-Democratic trend in the Midwest that kicked off under Wallace, and election meddling from the Soviet Union (but the latter is obviously just a conspiracy theory).
Frank Rizzo, while a well-known public figure, was never someone who’d you expect to say directly after “President of the United States.” - and it was just as chaotic as you’d expect, even for a country where a lack of surprise was a surprise.
In one of Senator Hunter S. Thompson famous interruptions during the State of the Union, he said “I congratulate President Nixon on his third term!” upon Wallace’s 1977 address to Congress. It seemed like Thompson would have to increase that number. However, comparisons to Nixon were not quite accurate. To borrow the name of Talking Heads’ 1983 song, the Rizzo administration was Richard Nixon On Acid, while Rizzo had the corruption and political views of Tricky Dick, his weakness, or strength, was his ability to amass a great public spectacle.
Iran was a gripping issue for Rizzo, and with the temperamental president not wanting the country to fall in the hands of pro-Soviet communists or hardline “Dead To America” Islamists, he significantly scaled up efforts in the country. Rizzo declared a draft lottery for the War in Iran, with young men being sent to the Middle East to die for their country (or more accurately, the young new Shah’s country). Mass protests spawned as what happened for Vietnam. As General Secretary Brezhnev sent more war efforts to Iran, the war remained bloody as ever.
Rizzo’s public relations remained poor to say the least. He publically called British Prime Minister Michael Foot a “dirty hippie,” mocking the Prime Minister’s accent. The incident made the Revolutionary War seem like a positive movement in Anglo-American relations. At the same time that Rizzo was going after those dodging the War in Iran (other than those suffering from bone spirs), he was pardoning figures in the Nixon administration and the Watergate conspiracy. Speaking of Nixon and corruption, the former president’s dream of deporting former Beatle John Lennon (who had performed at numerous anti-war rallies) was successful. Lennon’s music upon his return to the United Kingdom became darker and punk-like - a reflection of the greater changes in popular culture.
The American musician Paul Simon, upon discovering a bootleg tape of Cuban music, secretly recorded music with Cuban musicians, comprising his critically acclaimed album Havana after a long period of commercial stagnation. Bruce Springsteen’s Born in the U.S.A. being used correctly by anti-war protesters and incorrectly used by FREEDOM LOVING PATRIOTS. The Dead Kennedys took up the mantle of punk, with the band being charged for obscenity (with Rizzo seeing Jello Biafra as a political threat). Along with them, the Northern Irish band Stiff Little Fingers was also a favorite, with their blunt lyrics being relevant to foreign fans as well as at home. Finally, the Talking Heads adopted punk into “New Age”, with the ever popular Any Questions? tour an escape for young American teenagers from the world nearing a nuclear war.
These musical acts combined into a genre often called Rizzobeat; known for its anti-authoritarian apocalyptic punk sounds. Origins of the genre started during the Wallace administration and the start of the War in Iran, but picked up throughout the 1980s. The aforementioned Talking Heads’ 1979 album Fear of Music is one that has been described as a definitive album for the genre. The album’s single Life During Wartime debuted as the U.S. presence in Iran increased, with its “post-apocalyptic swamp punk” sound pushing it up the Billboard charts.
The California band Dead Kennedys rose in popularity after Tipper Gore, the wife of a minor Democratic congressman from Tennessee, lead the forces of the PMRC against the punk band from California. Lead singer Jello Biafra often protested against the group. Eventually, the band would face an obscenity trial, as Frank Rizzo joined the effort against “naughty and immoral communist messaging.” This only grew the Kennedys and other “hard” Rizzobeat performers’ popularity. Left-wing activist would protest Tipper Gore’s husband Al on his 1984 run for the Senate, with him becoming quietly asked to step aside by the eventual Democratic presidential nominee.
While it seems dramatic today with the nation strong, the hardline Soviet Union under the aging Brezhnev kept Iran a stalemate. Fearing the political ramifications of communist takeover, he increased political support of Connie Mulder’s radically pro-Apartheid South Africa under fear of an ANC controlled South Africa being communist. Along with President Rizzo, this fear of communism was felt by Nelson Mandela, who decided to suddenly support apartheid for that very reason and encourage the restoration of the monarchy under Queen Nixon. This sort of affair took place in many other places. Rizzo was determined to defeat communism no matter what the cost, like when you’re behind in the polls in President Infinity and end up spending all your campaign funds on the last week (relatable joke). Rizzo shuffled his foreign policy team, and brought back Henry Kissinger to the State Department.
At home, Rizzo focused on fighting “thugs” and “keeping our streets safe” by targeting African-American and feminist movements. Jesse Jackson, Gloria Steinem and other leaders were jailed during anti-war or anti-Rizzo rallies, and Rizzo reversed many of Wallace’s civil rights projects along with halting the ERA in its tracks. Additionally, Rizzo turned up the War in Drugs to 11 as a way for white people to feel safe in their community and get rid of the coincidentally African-American thugs.
The 1984 season would be one that would be closely watched by the nation and the world. For once, this would actually be a crucial election. In the Republican presidential primaries, Frank Rizzo received a strong challenge from Senator Harold Stassen, who had became one of the strongest anti-war voices in the Senate, but by Super Tuesday the president had enough delegates to win the nomination. Challenging the president was hard enough, and Stassen’s base was too small.
The Democrats had two major questions - would Ted Kennedy or George Wallace run? Ted Kennedy was floated at the “New Deal’s best hope” and the only man with the stamina to take on Rizzo. However, Kennedy had recently been through a divorce and put aside his supporters’ plans to run. Wallace, who was back in Montgomery after winning a landslide in 1982, was also talked about. Unlike Kennedy, Wallace really wanted to come back to the White House. However, Cornelia managed to force Wallace out of a run by threatening to go public with stories of their unstable marriage. On top of that, even the power-hungry Wallace also knew that there was a danger in having a world leader in poor health in a dramatically unstable time. Finally, Wallace was the one who got America into Iran in the first place. Wallace ‘84 was a no.
The establishment choice was New York City Mayor Bess Myerson, a former Miss America who had became a major figure in the New York Democratic establishment. Being a close friend of Wallace, Ed Koch, and many other Democrats, she seemed to be a polished candidate who could replace a racist strongman with the first female and Jewish president. Her main rival appeared to be Jerry Brown, who had become ridiculed by the Dead Kennedys song California Über Allies but still had a loyal following among the growing left-libertarian faction in the Democratic Party. Unlike his earlier campaign in 1976 against Wallace, his 1984 bid was better financed and had started earlier. This appeared to be an interesting contrast, and an interesting campaign to detirmine the Democratic Party’s future.
Hunter Thompson of the Democratic Party
Finally, there was the dark horse that hated horse racing. The man who had a personality that reflected America in 1984. Hunter S. Thompson was what the United fucking States of America needed to run for the presidency. As one of the leaders of the anti-war movement in the Senate, and a continued hero of the “freaks”, his campaign remained a threat to the same anti-establishment “moonbeam” base of Jerry Brown. However, the early Iowa and New Hampshire results (both won by Thompson) proved that he wasn’t just a third wheel, but that he was a major contender. While the South proved more favorable for Myerson (despite there being issues with some for voting for a Jewish candidate), Thompson was able to break ahead in Western states that were expected to go to Brown. After a loss in Pennsylvania’s primary in May, Brown withdrew from the race in disgrace (although he would certainly be back for a future battle).
From there, speculation of corruption reached around Myerson, with her establishment connections being viewed suspiciously by the radical base of the Democrats. Meanwhile, Thompson had gained the support of hippie activists from the Brown and Stassen camps, and with Myerson seeing the race as all but wrapped up, Thompson was able to secure upset win after upset win. By taking advantage of the party’s 1984 situation, the new king of the Democratic Party was Dr. Gonzo himself. America was sent under two different paths - the libertarian mindset of Thompson or the authoritarian mindset of Rizzo.
Putting together a man who was the toughest cop in America, the most drugged up author in America, and the brother of Huey Long in a presidential debate is the political equivalent to having a bar fight between racoons on PCP.
MS. RIDINGS: Good evening from the Kentucky Center for the Arts in Louisville, Kentucky. I'm Dorothy Ridings, President of the League of Women Voters, the sponsor of tonight's first Presidential debate of the 1984 Presidential election between Senator Russell Long, the National Unity candidate; President Frank Rizzo, the Republican nominee; and Senator Hunter S. Thompson, the Democratic candidate.
Tonight's debate marks the third consecutive Presidential election in which the League is presenting the candidates for the Nation's highest office in face-to-face debate. Our panelists are P.J. "Beto" O’Rourke, national political correspondent for Rolling Stone; Carl Kasell, host of NPR’s Morning Edition, and Chris Wallace, chief White House correspondent for NBC News. Dan Rather of CBS News is our moderator. Dan?
MR. RATHER: Thank you Dorothy. Tonight’s debate will last for 90-minutes and takes place before an assembled audience here at the Kentucky Centre for Arts. The debate will follow a format agreed to by representatives of the Rizzo, Long, and Thompson campaigns (Rather mutters an audible “somehow”). That agreement contains no restrictions on the content or subject matter of the questions. Each candidate will have up to 2 minutes for a closing statement. The order of those, as well as the questioning, was determined by a draw. Now, to the opening statements and the winner of that draw - Senator Long. Senator Long.
SEN. LONG: Thank you Dan, its a great pleasure to be the first ever non-Democrat and non-Republican to ever address the nation in a presidential debate. It is also a great honour to be here in Kentucky before the assembled audience here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen - over the past four years we have seen our nation descend further into partisan bickering which has gotten us nowhere. I am a proud Democrat, though I have had the pleasure of working across the isle with Republicans as well as my colleagues in the Democratic Party for the past three-and-a-half-decades in the Senate. I however stand before the people of this great country today as a candidate who proposes to stand for National Unity. I am not a candidate who was put on the ballot by any sort of Political Action Committee money, nor by any foreign lobbyist money, nor by an special interest money - I am at the standard-bearer of movement that has garnered the signatures and support of two-and-a-half million people who came together to get the National Unity Party on the ballot in virtually all states in this great union of ours. The candidacy of myself and Rep. Biaggi is a moral ticket for moral people. I believe firmly that we have more in this country that unites us rather than divides us and I believe it is time for this country to reject the two-party system and give their support to the National Unity ticket which is committed to governing in a bipartisan manner with Democrats, Republicans and Independents alike. I believe the opportunity to achieve such a vision for this country is here in 1984.
MR. RATHER: Senator Thompson, two minutes.
SEN. THOMPSON: Yeah thanks Dan - it is a great to be back here in Louisville where I was born many many years ago. I love this city so much that after military service this is the first time I have been back in the city in many many years. This election really could not happen in any other year - this really is 1984. Four years into Hitler's rule - the Reichstag had already been burnt to a pulp and Hitler's Nazis dogs and pigs had already marched into the Rhineland. Hitler was enabled due to the fact that all parties in the Reichstag joined to support him - except for those too scared to stand up to him or already in his camps. This coming together reminds me of the time that I ran for Sheriff of Aspen back in Colorado on the Freak Power party ticket. I pledged an out-front Mescaline platform that would ensure that aimed to break up the two-party duopoly in the area and restore some real law and order to Aspen. I only lost because the Democrats and Republicans joined together to stand against me to ensure I couldn't win. We made great progress and were threatened with dynamite and being blown high into the sky in a way that only Iranians will know now. So it is great here to be standing here against the Fuhrer himself and our very own Nixon avatar Frank Rizzo and his fellow traveller Russell Long - who only got his job because his daddy was peppered back home and given more holes than an Italian salami. So I say to the American people lets take it to the Republican pigs and their fellow travellers in the Democratic Party like mini-Huey here.
MR. RATHER: Uhh rather unorthodox - President Rizzo, two minutes for your opening remarks.
PRES. RIZZO: Thank you Dan and it is great to be here in Kentucky. This election pits all-American freedom against the masquerading forces of state control proposed by Senator Long and full on Marxist-Leninist-Maoist communistic socialism proposed by 'Senator' Thompson. As a great man once said - socialism is a fraud, a comedy, a phantom, a blackmail [1] - that is true. This country is on the cusp of greatness -in 1980 I asked for the opportunity from the American people to Make America Great Again - this year I am asking the American people for the opportunity to Let's America Great. The world has changed a lot over the past four years and the American people need someone who knows the ropes of all the operations and is able to steer the ship of state well - not someone like Senator Long who only knows about finances or 'Senator' Thompson who only knows about being a subversive wannabe Marxist socialist and smoking the marriage-jew-wannah. The other two candidates here are talking a lot about change - yet is change for change's sake really good. We heard that message back in the late 1970s when this country elected George Wallace President - a man who I have great respect for and who I feel would have been a good Democratic standard bearer this year, as opposed to... y'know who... President Wallace said he wanted to make this country into an image of himself - a changed man who would seek to reform this nation as he reformed himself. Instead this country became a cripple a lot like, ahh uhh - this country became crippled under just four years of Democratic mismanagement. I will do as I have done over the past four years and work with common sense Democrats and Republicans on both sides of the isle and ensure that we can continue the great leaps forward that we have achieved over the past four years - only then can we truly say that we have Kept American Great - Again!
[1]
Mussolini…
MR. RATHER: Alright then… Our first question is from P. J. O’Rourke on the subject of the War in Iran. Mr. O’Rourke
MR. O’ROURKE: Mr. President, what led up to your decision to have a draft for the War in Iran?
MR. RIZZO: That question is a clear example of what the pinkos around me believe in. They don’t care if we abandon our allies in the sand and allow for a Soviet takeover of the region! We need to remain a strong position in the world, or we risk losing our very freedom. When I came into office back in eighty-one we were faced with the potential of Iran turning red under the Two-Dah Party - real bad guys - real communists. So I made the decision to support our allies under Mr. Khamenei - a great guy - who has ensured that with our aid and support for weapons, guns, landmines - that the communist horde has been stopped from progressing further south. Thanks to our brave lads we have ensured that a valuable ally is maintained in the Middle East.
MR. O’ROURKE: Yes, Mr. President - but surely Khamenei’s Islamist Republican forces have been known to use extreme retribution on those areas which had supported the pro-Soviet Tudeh Party and have even fired on US troops in some instances?
MR. RIZZO: Well that’s all hearsay now - these freedom loving patriotic Islamists are our friends and allies and always have been-
dan rather
MR. O’ROURKE: Despite the fact they emerged as, in part, an anti-American protest against the extremely pro-American Shah and his regime? Why is the US no longer supporting the smaller Royalist forces as we did under President Wallace?
MR. RIZZO: I like winners Mr. O’Rourke. I can assure you now that they are very pro-us and Mr. Khamenei told me so when he was at the White House only last year… The ones protesting and agitating a few years ago were subversive Two-Dah supporters and not our proud patriotic friends.
MR. O’ROURKE: But surely, Mr. President we could supply funds and aid - or even have a small scale intervention with a volunteer force - as opposed to instituting a draft again?
MR. RIZZO: Well, I ahh… uhh… Remind me Mr. O’Rourke when did YOU enlist to fight back in Vietnam? Umm?
MR. O’ROURKE: I fail to see how that is relevant - I mean you yourself Mr. President have never enlisted in the armed forces.
MR. RIZZO: Now I completely ahh… resent… ahh… Dan surely I have gone over time here?
MR. RATHER: Yes, perhaps Senator Thompson can discuss this point now?
MR. THOMPSON: Of course it is wrong. The Darling Leader’s policies
MR. RIZZO: Don’t you call me that…
MR. THOMPSON: I’ll call you what I like - of “empire building” is bringing us closer to a nuclear war with the Soviet Union each day. Why could you have not looked back at the disaster of Vietnam, and seen that a draft is a bad idea? Why are you now using this war for your big-money advertisements on TV and to lock up some pokey little punk bands - things that you feel are worth more than the caskets returning home from the Middle East! We need to get the hell out of Iran and let the people there decide what future they want. Do they want to be our little escort doing all our bidding for oil while under the leadership of guy who makes Jerry Falwell look like a pot-smoking hippie - or do they want to be ruled by the Tudeh Party who are at least an independent force there as opposed to the other lot who we’re sending young men off to die for because it feeds the President’s ego.
MR. RATHER: This is really starting to get out of hand. Senator Long could you maybe restore some order here?
MR. LONG: I’ll try Dan, I’ll try. Senator Thompson has have no coherent plan to withdraw our nation from Iran. What I’m proposing as you can find in my manifesto is a gradual withdraw, with an end to the draft. Its not the extreme positions of the President of the Senator opposite - its a bold yet common sense series of proposals which will alleviate the,-
MR. THOMPSON: What you are doing is a continued Nixonian Wallace/Rizzo policy of getting us involved it other nations affairs. War is like sex, you are going to have to pull out or there’s gonna be a problem (Dan Rather looks back at the sound team for them to cut Thompson’s microphone)
MR. RATHER: Senator, please refrain from using such language.
MR. RIZZO: Hippie Hunter S. Thompson is continuing the Dem-o-crat Party’s path of immorals - just look at what JFK did with Marilyn Monroe or how badly Wallace has treated his wife. If you read this book, you will see the worst behaviors - just the worst. And he tries to pass it off as fiction. I call him to take a drug test toda-
MR. THOMPSON: How about the blacks and other innocent folks that you jail because of this false while you let the rich whites get away-
MR. RIZZO: Yes or no?
MR. THOMPSON: -with murder. We know what this is like because of the lawlessness resulting from prohibition-
MR. RIZZO: You’re a crum bum!
MR. THOMPSON: I thought you cared about law and order?
MR. RIZZO: Can you take the test?
MR. LONG: These are two different candidates who lie and employ dramatic theatrics to get noticed. Why don’t we all agree to pull the negative ads and to stop fighting like children?
MR. THOMPSON: You’ve got a bit of a history yourself with civil rights. Why was it that you didn’t support the Civil Rights Act?
MR. LONG: I wanted to keep the South clean from racial disputes and retain its state’s rights.
MR. THOMPSON: I’ve just hit Southern Racist Bingo!
MR. RATHER: This debate is like a group of anarchists pouring fire in a dumpsters, so I’m going to have to end this particular question on time concerns.
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MR. WALLACE: “The next topic is the Supreme Court … First of all, where do you want to see the court take the country? And secondly, what’s your view on how the Constitution should be interpreted? Do the founders words mean what they say, or is it a living document to be applied flexibly according to changing circumstances? In the segment, Senator Thompson, you go first.”
SEN. THOMPSON: The founding fathers wrote a ton of bullshit. These coc- created the three fifths clause, banned women from voting, and committed genocide against natives. If these people got their way, I would be in jail under the Alien and Sedition Acts, Mr. Rizzo would be in Italy starving to death, and mini-Huey’s views on blacks would actually be mainstream. That being said, our Bill of Rights is one of the most important things in this country, and we need to continue to be able to freely speak (even if it lets bastards like Frank Rizzo become the leader of the free world) and cling on to our guns. We need to expand these freedoms, and let the government leave us alone and have us eat weed. I will appoint judges in the mould of the late Justice Douglas.
MR. WALLACE: Senator Long, your response.
SEN. LONG: We need to defend the rights of the states-
SEN. THOMPSON: Are you serious? At least try to hide your racism like our Commander in Chief!
MR. RATHER: Senator Thompson, you agreed to rules of this debate, please refrain from interrupting others. Senator Long, my apologies.
SEN. LONG: We need to protect this country from the meddling powers of the liberal two-party governments of past administrations. This is not about racial issues; that discussion is over and was wrong. The Supreme Court also needs to be independent from the executive and legislative branch, and above party politics. Traditionalist and strong judges are something that we need restored to the Courts, and they are something that this president has failed to appoint.
PRES. RIZZO: We have appointed the greatest justices on the Supreme Court that the world has ever seen. The great legal mind Robert Bork is a man who I trust to have such an important role on the Court. Bork is the best because he never caves in to the crums Harvard lawyers; he may be in for a promotion soon.
MR. WALLACE: Mr. President, if I may, Robert Bork has been criticized for his role in Saturday Night Live Massacre, I mean Saturday Night Massacre, and now it seems that you wish to promote him to the head of the judicial branch. Do you think that his history is something that should disqualify him?
PRES. RIZZO: Chris, I know that you’ve spent your life in the elitist media, but the folks in America know that we are better than to be submissive followers. What about when George Wallace appointed his crony Flowers, who would defend the man if he had committed murder? What about when LBJ tried to appoint cronies to the court to stop the great Nixon from making appointments?
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MR. KASSEL: President Rizzo, you have been attacked for poor relations with our allies on the global stage. You’ve called former British Prime Minister Michael Foot “a pinko” and Canadian Prime Minister John Turner a “failed prince.” Because of this, New Zealand Prime Minister Bruce Beetham has said that working with you is a “complete mare.” What do you have to say to them?
PRES. RIZZO: If our allies would have our back, I wouldn’t say these things; but they don’t. As long as I am president, and get the camera’s out, (pulls a sign out) there will be “No Soviet World Domination!” Michael Foot destroyed the Queen’s military, he’s a disgrace. That’s why the great British people gave him the boot for Keith, who contrary to recent reports, I have a great relationship with. You never hear about the great relations; what about de Gaulle of France, what about Mulder in Africa?
SEN. THOMPSON: Of course people aren’t cheering you on for good relations with a brutal dictator like Mulder; and it seems you’ve got a lot of inspiration from him.
PRES. RIZZO: You are a proud supporter of Fidel Castro, and your party wants to give up Israel to the Muslim terrorist Islamic fighters. Fidel Castro is a killer, a murderer, a pro-Soviet communist; and you want good relations with him?
SEN. THOMPSON: Why don’t you go to Cuba, and see that they have a longer life expectancy than us? America right now is arresting more people than Soviet Russia or Red China, and you think that he is a dictator?
PRES. RIZZO: When anyone to the right of Ted Kennedy starts being sent to the Gulags under Soviet America, I wouldn’t complain about helping out our brothers in Cape Town.
Rizzo had won in 1984; there was no dispute that he was always the favorite. However, he didn’t realize that even after he had taken an electoral landslide (as much as Thompsonites like to yell spoiler), everyone hated him.
After 1984, Rizzo was only able to turn the Democratic supermajority into just a large majority. However, his Southern allies were always ready to give him support when the time came. Sure, John C. Stennis and Herman Talmadge reported to Paul O'Dwyer, but the American Democratic Party is the only bastardly place that a former Southern segregationist conservative, a super-hawkish liberal, and a far-left libertarian socialist all followed each other in being picked to lead the free world. Rizzo too swept the South as part of his 410 electoral vote sweep, with Thompson and Long splitting the vote among the anti-incumbent base of the region.
With more political capital, Rizzo also decided to a reshuffle of his team. Pat Buchanan was out as Chief of Staff, being replaced by the young Roger Stone. James W. Baumbach wished to focus more time on Pennsylvania state politics, and stepped aside as Press Secretary for the right-wing crusader Arianna Huffington. House Minority Whip Guy Vander Jagt was also announced as Attorney General, while Rockefeller Republican Commerce Secretary Newt Gingrich was given the boot (an expected move, as he suffered from numerous personal scandals).
Rizzo was also able to launch his campaign against drugs, ramping up efforts that occurred under Nixon and Wallace in the 1970s. In his “Drug War”, Rizzo launched a wide-scale effort against drugs and definitely not incarcerating black people so white people felt safe in their little bubbles by increasing funding for the Drug Enforcement Agency who definitely did not misuse their funding and issuing the death penalty to drug dealers. very much in line with the Christian teachings of many Republicans and Democrats This Drug War was attacked by many libertarians, such as Hunter S. Thompson (joined by Joe Edwards, Ron Wyden, and James Buckley), who went on a 18 hour filibuster against an increased mandatory minimums sentencing act for drug use. However, it was difficult to attack many of the aspects of the Rizzo agenda for fear of retribution. Mass police killings of suspected drug dealers caused a tragic number of deaths, but some hard-right Republicans and Democrats called the deaths a good thing.
New Zealand Prime Minister Beetham was a sharp opponent of these policies. As the leader of the surging anti-establishment Social Credit Political League, he had overtaken Labour as the party of New Zealand’s left. This led to confusion from Camil Samson’s Canadian SoCreds, who like a certain alternate historian, were unable to recognize the differences between their platforms. New Zealand (which had already became a spot for Iran draft-dodgers) as a popular spot for rebellious youth to move to, who were big fans of Beetham letting them “chill and eat weed.”
The War in Iran was brining the Middle East (and the world) closer and closer to being met with a nuclear hellfire. The American-backed Ayatollah (funny isn’t it) was extremely brutal in their tactics, but the Soviet-backed Tudeh Party was equally so, and Premier Grishin kept supplying the Tudehs with enough ammunition to keep the fight going. (We need some more here)
While there was good news from the fight against communism sm, the second Rizzo term also faced the mid-1980s recession. (boring cars bit starts) The biggest casualty of this would be the bankruptcy of General Motors, who had faced issues of falling behind Japanese competition in quality and pricing. Along with this, GM had faced issues of corporate bloating and badge engineering. The Cadillc Cimarron was by no means a suitable competitor to the Saab 900 or the BMW 3-Series, and was a meer Cavalier. Oldsmobile’s Cutlass and Chevrolet’s Impala traded places for best selling car throughout the 1970s, but were overtaken by Ford’s offerings. GM emerged from bankruptcy slimmed down. Buick was sent to British Leyland, GMC and Pontiac were dropped (although Pontiac remained in the Canadian market), and Vauxhall, Opel, and Bugatti were sent to Fiat.. GM’s shares in Saab and Lotus were purchased by Subaru. The slimmed down GM was made up of Chevrolet, Oldsmobile, and Cadillac, in a product structure similar to Ford. (boring cars bit ends)
Prime Minister Joseph
In the 1986, Keith Joseph’s Conservative Party and John Turner’s Liberals were both returned to power, but Rizzo’s Republicans were worried about the midterm elections. Sure, there were many Democratic incumbents, but many were in safe seats. Meanwhile, the Republicans, under the leadership of former Jesuit priest John McLaughlin of Rhode Island, were only worried about preventing the Democrats from winning a supermajority. Rizzo believed that an appropriate strategy would be targeting the personality of specific Senators. Two left-wing progressive (THE LARGEST POSSIBLE PICTURE OF CENK UYGUR SUDDENLY APPEARS) Democrats, George McGovern and Mike Gravel, had lucky reelections in 1980 and were sharp critics of the Iran War effort among other policies. However, the anti-government libertarian lean of the two states meant that they were viewed as political martyrs. Political machines were also hard to topple, as George Wallace and Hunter Thompson turned out the vote for Jim Folsom and Oscar Acosta. Retirements (such as Charles Mathias in Oppoland) or strong Democratic candidates (like Bruce Babbitt in Nofixland) were also an issue. By the time the nation voted, the Democrats ended up four seats better off than they were previously. Only one seat was gained by the Republicans, that being John Durkin’s defeat in New Hampshire to P.J. O’Rourke. Of course, that would end up leading to its own issues.
Chiang Kia-Shek the president of China and Generalissimo
NEw Hampshore Seantor Beto O'Roruke
pRC PRemier Jiang Qing (not the emperor)
President Rizzo, in his bid against communism, ended up undoing one of his political doppelganger’s signature moves. In a massive blow to Jiang Qing's regime, the United States decided to recognize the Republic of China (Taiwan) rather than the People’s Republic of China, as what had been done since 1971. President Rizzo, Secretary of State Jeane Kirkpatrick, along with top Senators on the Foreign Relations Committee (including George Bush, P.J. O’Rourke, and Edmund Muskie). Unfortunately, the meeting did not go well (and shockingly, it wasn’t because Edmund Muskie delivered a powerful punch to the Taiwanese President). While meeting with the leaders of Taiwan, Senator O’Rourke (just trying to get that in your head Wolfram) made an off-the-cut joke about the Republic of China “going for the kill in Peking.” This was caught on microphone, and led to leaders of the PRC going onto high alert, taking it seriously. Mass naval and troop movement ensured.
As with all presidential elections, you are bound to start off with old grudges. Sure, it’s not at the level of Irish politics, where the Civil War determines your vote, but not quite like the Canadians, who switch between parties at a rate faster than Maryland’s consumption of Starbucks Coffee.
Jerry Brown, the man who had enough issues with the Democratic Party was the expected frontrunner. Finally, the Moonbeam governor was the man who could indeed “be Fuhrer one day.” The issues that seemed to plague his 1976 and 1984 runs seemed to vanish like melting snow. Sure, the field was packed, but none of his rivals were rather inspiring. Birch Bayh was back again, and he had quite a reputation in the Senate; but would anyone really see him as their first choice? There was also Nick Galifianakis, but his stature on the political stage had somewhat fallen by 1988, and even he was being viewed as too far left a candidate following the errors of HST. This fear of being too far-left plagued candidates such as Ron Dellums, Gatewood Galbraith, and even New Deal liberals like Tom Foley and Walter Mondale. A few conservatives also entered the field, such as Fritz Hollings, Fox McKeithen, Jim Traficant, and (sighs) David Duke. Other figures showed high rankings in opinion polls like Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy, Chrysler CEO Lee Iacocca, and Talking Heads frontman David Byrne, but all refused to run. Ultimately, no one was really able to inspire the general public. Brown had a campaign orchestrated for successes, with Iowa and New Hampshire being carpet bombed with Brown’s message of green policies and economic liberalism. This was not to be.
George Wallace had hoped to retake the White House that was stolen by the “establishment.” While Wallace declined a bid in 1984, the victory of Hunter Thompson meant that the Democrats would have to either reject the far-left socialist platform of the Freak Power wing or face electoral oblivion to Rumsfeld. As with segregation in the 1960s, Wallace seemed to regret his decision to intervene in Iran as the Pahlavis were left behind in favor of the anti-communist Islamists. Despite being in poor health and facing issues in Montgomery with the rising Republican Party in the state legislature, Wallace announced a fourth run for the presidency. Without Ted Kennedy in the race, Wallace took the lead, with Brown in second. Other more conventional Democrats along with Thompsonites were in a difficult position, as Bayh, Mondale, Galbraith, McKeithen, and others seemed relegated to being kingmakers rather than kings.
The Republicans also had an early frontrunner, but it was still likely going to be a messy contest. Their two main candidates, Vice President Donald Rumsfeld of Illinois and Senator George Bush of Texas were poised in a standoff that rivaled the battle between Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed in the first Rocky movie. Both worked together in the Nixon administration, with Rumsfeld being OEO Director, a presidential counselor, and Ambassador to NATO, while Bush was Ambassador to the UN and RNC Chair. During this time together, they formed an absolute distaste for each other that could only be equaled by Jerry and Newman (with Rumsfeld even perfecting the sinister welcome of Jerry Seinfeld). Bush believed that Rumsfeld was going trying and take over his job as CIA Director under Connally, while Rumsfeld viewed Bush as incapable of making strong decisions. This was unfortunate, as both were Ivy League educated veterans with a long and accomplished careers in business and politics. They both had awful accents as well; with Bush’s fake Texan accent mixed with Rumsfeld’s ear-piercing Midwestern accent; although being from Belfast and Maryland, we probably shouldn’t speak much further about that particular subject.
Starting off the race would be the rural state of Iowa. While it had a dubious record of picking winners, having voted for Birch Bayh and James Buckley, it still received the bulk of media attention. Vice President Rumsfeld secured a larger than expected victory in Iowa, with Bush practically having a nervous breakdown upon seeing the result. In his victory speech, Rumsfeld proclaimed the country to have “Rumsfeldia” in a widely ridiculed yet accurate statement. The heat went on, as the libertarian state of New Hampshire was next on the calendar. Sure enough, voters liked Jerry Brown’s message of freedom and fiscal responsibility. However, the real story was the Republicans, as the anti-war Senator Harold Stassen was able to pick up the Granite State. A strong favorite son write-in campaign for Senator P.J. O’Rourke meant that the “establishment” vote of Bush and Rumsfeld was even more split than normal. Stassen was able to the rock the Republican Party with his shocking upset. Quickly, Rumsfeld’s campaign got to work on advertisements, claiming that Stassen would be the “Republican Hunter Thompson” and lead to an embarrassing defeat in the general election. Some Bush voters were influenced by these ads to support Rumsfeld.
South Carolina would be the first time the treacherous political seas of the South would be navigated. Wallace demolished the de-facto favorite son candidacy of Fritz Hollings despite Hollings have a well-known reputation in the state. Ron Dellums was also able to take away anti-Wallace support from Hollings despite the shared popularity of Wallace and Dellums among black voters. The GOP had a victory for Bush, with his developed Southern image achieving him limited success. However, he did worse than anticipated against Rumsfeld, with the anti-Stassen ads being credited as a major influence. Soon after South Carolina would be the large blocks of states in Super Tuesday, many being in the South. This was good news for George Wallace, as he took the block of the victorie as Brown and Bayh were limited to their bases in the West and Midwest. Rumsfeld did well too, with scattered victories for Bush and Stassen.
While Stassen remained in the race, the Republican race was all but wrapped up in favor of the Vice President. The party appeared more unified than the Democrats, with Wallace attacking Brown’s “new age punk ideas”, Brown attacking Bayh’s “old-fashioned out of touch ideas” and Bayh wondering why people weren’t supporting him over his rivals. Unlike 1976, Wallace wasn’t able to get as many wins outside of his native South, leaving him weaker than expected. Despite the big delegate wins in Texas, Illinois, and California, not much was happening. And as May turned into June, it was obvious that there would be a brokered convention. Wallace had experience on how to make a deal through his win in 1976, and he had sway over numerous Midwestern, Western, and Southern delegates.
As the first couple of ballots came in, Wallace neared a majority. However, Wallace appeared to have the weakest showing the general election among each Democratic candidate and had the issues of the Iran War and his health problems looming around him. While Ted Kennedy did not believe that he had to be president, he did care who was president. His issues with Wallace were strong, with Kennedy drafting plans to run against him in 1980 before his retirement.
Wallace’s team (led by the young political strategist James Carville) had been initially expecting a victory on the third ballot, and had been making deals. They were completely caught by surprise when Kennedy’s name was entered into the nomination. Kennedy himself refused to issue a Shermanesque statement. Little did the Wallace team in the DNC know that this was part of a masterplan. The entering of Kennedy’s name into the nomination meant that Wallace’s hopes for a majority were crushed. Soon after the delegates voted, Kennedy announced his candidacy, with his close friend Bayh withdrawing from the race to pave the way. Brown, however, refused to leave the race for Kennedy, who’s left-wing New Deal expansion was a direct contradiction of his economic policy. Additionally, Brown felt that Kennedy represented the past, with his Moonbeamites representing the future of the Democratic Party in a third path away from liberalism and Freak Power. Despite his steadfast agenda, Brown’s support dwindled like an popsicle left in the heat. On the fifth ballot, Kennedy took the Democratic nomination for the presidency.
Gonzo's Editorial
Nowadays most people think of Teddy Kennedy as being like that drunk uncle who pops up once a year for Thanksgiving, and the guy who mum (Oppo, I refuse to misspell the word anymore, its spelt mum and not mom, see that appears with the red squiggly line below it on my computer here, and Bill Gates never lies) refuses to drive home after he's necked several Jagermeisters after dinner. Well basically Teddy Kennedy is a like that, only he wasn’t a blue collar Calvinist, but was a guy born with a silver spoon in his mouth and who inherited his job from his brother when he got a killer promotion. Oh and he was also known for being quite the womaniser, women would leap at the opportunity to be with him whether it be in his Senate office, retreat on Nantucket or at the bottom of the ocean off the coast of Chappaquiddick Island. In one case he was pictured with a topless woman on top of a yacht, prompting one southern Democrat to exclaim that "I see Senator Kennedy has changed his position on offshore drilling!" Kennedy had defeated an eclectic array of Democrat in the primaries, but was still seen as damaged goods after his quarter of a century on Capitol Hill and his own fair share of scandals. The Freak Power wing of the party had written him off as a conservative elitist, so Kennedy selected West Virginia Governor A. James Manchin, on the populist wing of the party, as his running mate - as picking a border state politician known for breaking into school buildings in the night to get rat faced was a brilliant idea. It worked so well in 1984 with another coal country Democratic politician known for substance abuse. In the VP debates, Manchin faced off against Health Secretary Charles D. Baker in the underrated Manchin-Baker debates (Siskel & Ebert gave it two thumbs up!).
Tell me if you've heard this one before - a member of the Kennedy family is running for President after eight years of a Republican President, with a slightly dodgy southern running mate - he's running against the Vice President of the past eight years who is running with a rather lacklustre Massachusetts Republican politico from a political family. The Kennedy has meanwhile pissed off a part of the Democratic Party who don't like him and many try running a spoiler campaign against him in the region they're particularly powerful in. Nah, me neither. The 1988 campaign is really known for the abundance of negative campaigning as well as the perception that the two main candidates were both severely lacking. For instance, Rummy came off as the fairly serious secondary school politics who isn't respected by the other teachers and is either mocked, ignored or pitied by the students. Kennedy was the geriatric PE teacher who is constantly drunk the job and who just sort of hangs around despite not really having a real job. Naturally to breathe life back into the campaign, both sides employed negative campaigning much of it not really grounded in reality. Did you know that Donald Rumsfeld was the Vice President of a guy who hates black people - all while we play a clip of Rummy grinning with Rizzo? Did you know Ted Kennedy killed a woman? Did you know that Donald Rumsfeld supports the death penalty for traffic violations - and that he drives a car not made in America? Did you know that Ted Kennedy killed a woman? Did you know that Donald Rumsfeld personally and financially gained from the war in Iran and that he has a secret deal with the Ayatollah Khamenei? Did you know that Ted Kennedy killed a woman? Did you know that Donald Rumsfeld didn't vote for the 1957 Civil Rights Act in Congress? Did you know that Ted Kennedy killed a woman? Did you know that Donald Rumsfeld hasn't come out explicitly against Plessy v. Ferguson? Did you know that Ted Kennedy killed a woman? Did you know that Donald Rumsfeld literally lived in the same century as Adolf friggin' Hitler? Did you know that Ted Kennedy killed a woman? All very important questions in this day and age…