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Maxim-um of Österreich​
(Do you get the joke? Maxim-ilian - Maxim-um?)
An Austria-wank


Whoops, the knife slipped. Whoops, Joseph and Maximilian weren't there to save you.​

It had been around 1 PM. The date had been February 18, 1853. And the emperor... had been... well, the emperor.

“Those darned revolutions back in 1848 almost succeeded,” the emperor said. He put his right leg out - and paused. “I wonder what it would take to satisfy those darned liberals.”

Maximilian Karl Lamoral O'Donnell, one of his officers, sighed. “Your majesty, I have no clue.”

“Did I ask you?” the emperor grouched.

“Yes,” O’Donnell bit back.

The emperor glowered.

“Y-your majesty,” Maximilian hastily added.

“Of course not,” the emperor said. “I would never ask a lowly peasant like you for anything.”

“Actually, I’m not a peasant-”

“Hm? I couldn’t tell.”


Girl, do I look like a peasant?​

With that, the emperor continued walking, passing by Maximilian, who had been in the front. O’Donnell sneered at the emperor’s back. He tucked his head down to hide his blushing, reddened face from the streets.

The emperor continued talking to himself - “Perhaps I could bring back Klemens...” - and not paying much attention to the exercise of troops he was supposed to be reviewing.

O’Donnell had a million thoughts about the emperor running through his head, and none of them were positive. It was just as unfortunate that a nearby butcher, Joseph Ettenreich, had also heard the emperor’s barbs.


I'm the lovely and magnificent Joseph - are you telling me that I'm not lovely OR magnificent?​

Joseph, also ashamed, quickly walked away from the emperor. One step, two steps-

“Hello,” Joseph said. There was an unknown man (unknown to Joseph, at least) standing right there. Perhaps he was one of the emperor’s men.

“Greetings,” the unknown man said.

“How are you?” Joseph asked.

“Wonderful. And you?”

“Not so well. The emperor...” At this, the man’s eyes darkened in anger. “He was being, well, the emperor.”

“Wonderful,” the man said. “He might not continue for long.”

Joseph gave the man a long look before he himself walked away without a second thought.

A minute later, when Joseph had almost completely exited Kärntnertor-Bastei-

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

A loud, piercing scream rang out through the Viennese afternoon air. Joseph shuddered.

"'Tis some madman," he muttered, "screaming at the emperor’s door— Only this and nothing more."


Guess what? Poe's narrator was wrong, and so are you.​

Joseph briskly walked home, and trying to shake himself out of an eerie sense of foreboding, he went to bed early.

The next morning, the morning of February 19, 1853, Joseph shook himself awake. He had a bad feeling about this day.

“Please, tell me what happened,” he begged upon seeing his wife’s worried face. Normally, Joseph woke up first, but the sun had already risen for many hours.

“The emperor,” his wife said.

“What about him?”

“He’s been stabbed - killed - by a damned Hungarian, János Libényi.”

Joseph fainted while he was still in bed.


I'm the amazing non-peasant - wait, are you telling me that I'm not a non-peasant?​

Thus ended the days of Franz Josef, a true emperor of Austria. A true Habsburg. Nobody could have been more fitting of those titles than Franz Josef, a man who passionately defended our fatherland.

So lived Franz Josef. Now lives Kaiser Maximilian. May he live and prosper, and our empire with him!
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