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C’mon, another drink won’t kill ya!​

“The old Greeks believed in many gods.
Gods that like humans were ruled by dynasties.
Zeus the `Father of Gods´ was believed to be the current king.
But before him there were others.
Wilder ones.
Kronos ruled the heavens ever since he unmanned his father.
He ate his children. He imprisoned giants. He created monsters.
And even when he became old the world still lived in fear of his rage.
For they remembered the destruction he could bring.
But in the end all it took to take him out was a young man who realized,
that the lion had grown old.”
Intro to “Attila the Hun” by Paulus of Barcelona

Attila felt dizzy. He looked around… searching something… someone…. his wife. Kreka. But no what did he want with her? She was already old and ugly. Well seven births will do that to you. No somebody else. Damn he shouldn’t have drunk that last beer. Or for that matter the sixteen before it. Now he knew who he was looking for Ildico. Theomirs “present”. As if he didn’t already have enough wives. Well maybe he could pass her on to Ellac or better Dengizich, that idiot Ellac didn’t deserve such a good present. Maybe he could arrange something. “Hey father!” “WHAT? CAN’T YOU THAT I AM THINKING?!?!” There he stood. By all gods, Attila could not imagine how he could have fathered such an incompetent mess. Well he wasn’t bad as a raid leader and a passable rider, but just looking at the young man in front of the Khan would tell anybody that he was no leader of men. The Rugii hated him, the Heruls laughed about him, the Goth barely tolerated him and the Huns despised him for that. And now he stood here in front of him offering him a jug of meat. “C’mon, another drink won’t kill ya!” he said. “WHAT ARE YOU???” screamed the Khan. All blood left Ellac’s face “Well I…”. “ARE YOU MY SERVING MAID? OR ARE YOU A WARRIOR? ARE YOU A wEAK WOMAN OR A STRONG MAN? ARE YOU THAT GERMANIC WHORE I AM ABOUT TO FUCK OR ARE YOU MY GODDAMNED HEIR????” Attila slapped the jug out of Ellac’s hand and spilled the meat all over the adjoining table. “WELL IF YOU WANT TO BE A WOMAN YOU CAN CLEAN THAT UP! THE MOP IS OVER THERE!!!!” With that the Khan turned around finally seeing the person he had been looking for. “I HOPE YOU ARE A VIRGIN LIKE THEODEMIR PROMISED!!”

The next morning a dog was found dead in the camp. He had chewed on a meat drenched mop and died of a nosebleed. Attila ordered all mops to be thoroughly cleaned cause: “IF THEY ARE SO DIRTY THAT THEY KILL A DOG, THAN I DON’T WANT YOU TO SWIPE THE TABLE I EAT AT WITH THEM!!!”



“Attila entered Roman territory on the 31 of January 453. Early reports said that he would march along the Morava and Axios river and attack Greece. But as soon as the Army was on the march reports came that he actually came along the coast of the Pontus Euxinus. Since Attila could not possibly take Constantinople we decided to camp our army at Adrianople. That way Attila’s plan to invade Greece would be for none and we could easily sit the storm out in our fortress. Even thou our plans had suffered a minor setback we would still triumph over the barbarians.” From Emperor Marcian’s “Hunnic War”

“Any serious military commander has to be baffled by Marcian’s decision to march out of Constantinople to meet the huns. With many armies still in Egypt and Syria his force would have been about half the size of Attila’s. In open battle this was pure suicide.” –Memories, Palladius, Roman Prefekt [1]

“The decision to give Ellac half of his troops is still one of the most ingenious decisions Attila has made. He had Ellac lead the Gepids and Ostrogoth, whos kings were personal friends of his and therefore deemed trust worthy, down the Axios river until they reached Thessaloniki. He in the mean time would fake an attack on Constantinople to draw the roman legions away from the rich Greek cities. The only problem was that Marcian had dug himself in at Adrianople. From here he could easily trap Attila between Constantinople’s walls and the roman army. He also was free to march west and fight Ellacs troops in Greece. Attila decided that the only way to deal with this problem, was to apply the things he learned in Aquilea: That a long drawn out siege was never desirable and that Romans assumed that a fleeing enemy was beaten. In the battle of Adrianople (20.2.453) he combined these two by having his army storming the garrison walls in vain only to pretend to be broken after a quarter of his army had fallen. Marcian could not let such an opportunity go to waste and chased after him, only to be lead into a trap and be almost completely annihilated. He fled back to the safety of Adrianople, but his force was no longer a threat to Attila or Ellac. And Attila decided that maybe the fake attack on Constantinople could become a real one.” - The battle of Adrianople, Leo of Thracia, Byzantine military historian [2]

“ ´O Brother, why had this to happen? Why do they burn our city?` ´Does the dog need a reason to bite? No only the whip of his owner prevents him from killing the babes in the street. Only the whips of the legions can now save us!` ´But the legions only follow the Emperor and the Emperor is a fool!` ´So then I shall become soldier and when I am master militium I shall depose the Emperor and crown myself, so that never again roman blood shall be spilled by barbarians.` ´Oh brother and then our love shall finally find a way.` ´Yes, if only the lights of this fire would finally fade, if it only were night and the legions came…` *he is shot by an arrow* ´Oh sister, my sister, I die, but the empire lives on! The legions shall come and avenge us, forward roman soldiers, strike every enemy of the Empire down and if it is the Emperor!` *dies*” -Battle of Thessaloniki, Flavius Byzantine Poet [3]


“3.7.453: We have finally reached the city. After month of gathering the troops and shipping them north we have reached Constantinople. Outside of my tent there are men from Antioch and Pergamon, from Tarsus and Ephesus, from Attalia and Lefkousia. Even beyond them is the blessed city of Constantinople and the only thing that separates us is a horde of thirty thousand Huns, Heruli, Rugii, Thuringii, Scirii and Alemanni. The emperor is nowhere to be seen. After another foolish ruler has brought the scourge of god upon us it seems, that me and Attila shall do battle one last time.” –entry eve of the battle of Constantinople, Diary of Zeno, Magister Militium Orientalis

“The king of the Goth to the rightful Roman Emperor. After we heard of your victory we knew there was no hope for our cause. Ardaric and I decided that it is best to seek peace with you. Ellac is dead. So are the few Huns that were in our army. We have heard that Dengizich has been slain. Ardaric has lead his men north. Now that Attila has only one son left there is a chance to liberate the Germans from his tyranny. We Goths hold Thessaloniki. We have given back all plunder to the city and are ready to return everything we took during our raid of Thebes and the other Greek cities. We are ready to surrender to you or the officer who chased us out of Greece. Just don’t force us to surrender to a man who lost all his battles and is the puppet of a foreigner. As a fellow warrior you surely understand that this is unacceptable for my men. Please know that I have send the same letter to your officer in Greece. I am preparing my men to march to meet the army of the men whose answer reaches us first. God bless you general Zeno. And blessed be all Christian people.” –letter from Theodemir to Zeno after the “Massaker of Thessaloniki” (21.9.453)

“I, Theodemir of the Ostrogoths, swear my people to everlasting loyalty to the Emperors of Rome and Constantinople. I swear to defend its borders to the north with my sword, my shield and my body if necessary. I swear to always remember the fate of the wretched Aspar, who in his hunger for power corrupted Emperor Marcians mind and almost doomed all of Christianity to be destroyed by the hand of the Huns. This I, Theodemir of the Ostrogoths, sweare in the name of the father, the son and the holy ghost.”
“And I Zeno, regent of the East Roman Empire, swear that no roman shall enter the lands of the Goths without their permission. That in their lands, they shall have their own laws, their own rites and their own customs, as long as they stay loyal to the crown. This I swear in the name of the father, the son and the holy ghost.” – The oaths of Adrianople between Theodemir and Zeno, 3.11.453

“After Emperor Marcian, who’s mind has been poisoned by Aspar, has resigned out of shame for his failings, the Empire needed a new ruler. The people have spoken. When you entered the city from every window it was heard: ´Zeno Caesar, Zeno Caesar!` And so I present you with the imperial wreath. May your rule be long and shall you bring wealth to the Empire. ZENO CEASAR! ZENO CEASAR AUGUSTUS!” – Zeno’s adjutant “spontaneously” asks him to become Emperor in place of Marcian, who will spend the rest of his days in a secluded monastery.(11.11.453)

[1] He is just sucking up to the Emperor.

[2] Without Asper his career came to a grinding halt.

[3] One of the worst plays of the 6th century. It still managed to become a classic in the 17th century.


Soooo, yeah first timeline ever, so of course if there is anything you would like to criticize just do it. Yeah I know the POD is pretty cliché, but hey, at least I didn't have Attila taking over Rome.
I will try to keep this TL pretty realistic, but sometimes there will be unrealistic things, but just remember what Tvtropes told us: Reality IS unrealistic. And it also makes for better story telling.
Just tell me quickly if I start to wank and/or become to cheesy in my writting. And that is all.
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