Just another drink

  • Thread starter Deleted member 43582
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Deleted member 43582

C’mon, another drink won’t kill ya!​

“The old Greeks believed in many gods.
Gods that like humans were ruled by dynasties.
Zeus the `Father of Gods´ was believed to be the current king.
But before him there were others.
Wilder ones.
Kronos ruled the heavens ever since he unmanned his father.
He ate his children. He imprisoned giants. He created monsters.
And even when he became old the world still lived in fear of his rage.
For they remembered the destruction he could bring.
But in the end all it took to take him out was a young man who realized,
that the lion had grown old.”
Intro to “Attila the Hun” by Paulus of Barcelona

Attila felt dizzy. He looked around… searching something… someone…. his wife. Kreka. But no what did he want with her? She was already old and ugly. Well seven births will do that to you. No somebody else. Damn he shouldn’t have drunk that last beer. Or for that matter the sixteen before it. Now he knew who he was looking for Ildico. Theomirs “present”. As if he didn’t already have enough wives. Well maybe he could pass her on to Ellac or better Dengizich, that idiot Ellac didn’t deserve such a good present. Maybe he could arrange something. “Hey father!” “WHAT? CAN’T YOU THAT I AM THINKING?!?!” There he stood. By all gods, Attila could not imagine how he could have fathered such an incompetent mess. Well he wasn’t bad as a raid leader and a passable rider, but just looking at the young man in front of the Khan would tell anybody that he was no leader of men. The Rugii hated him, the Heruls laughed about him, the Goth barely tolerated him and the Huns despised him for that. And now he stood here in front of him offering him a jug of meat. “C’mon, another drink won’t kill ya!” he said. “WHAT ARE YOU???” screamed the Khan. All blood left Ellac’s face “Well I…”. “ARE YOU MY SERVING MAID? OR ARE YOU A WARRIOR? ARE YOU A wEAK WOMAN OR A STRONG MAN? ARE YOU THAT GERMANIC WHORE I AM ABOUT TO FUCK OR ARE YOU MY GODDAMNED HEIR????” Attila slapped the jug out of Ellac’s hand and spilled the meat all over the adjoining table. “WELL IF YOU WANT TO BE A WOMAN YOU CAN CLEAN THAT UP! THE MOP IS OVER THERE!!!!” With that the Khan turned around finally seeing the person he had been looking for. “I HOPE YOU ARE A VIRGIN LIKE THEODEMIR PROMISED!!”

The next morning a dog was found dead in the camp. He had chewed on a meat drenched mop and died of a nosebleed. Attila ordered all mops to be thoroughly cleaned cause: “IF THEY ARE SO DIRTY THAT THEY KILL A DOG, THAN I DON’T WANT YOU TO SWIPE THE TABLE I EAT AT WITH THEM!!!”



“Attila entered Roman territory on the 31 of January 453. Early reports said that he would march along the Morava and Axios river and attack Greece. But as soon as the Army was on the march reports came that he actually came along the coast of the Pontus Euxinus. Since Attila could not possibly take Constantinople we decided to camp our army at Adrianople. That way Attila’s plan to invade Greece would be for none and we could easily sit the storm out in our fortress. Even thou our plans had suffered a minor setback we would still triumph over the barbarians.” From Emperor Marcian’s “Hunnic War”

“Any serious military commander has to be baffled by Marcian’s decision to march out of Constantinople to meet the huns. With many armies still in Egypt and Syria his force would have been about half the size of Attila’s. In open battle this was pure suicide.” –Memories, Palladius, Roman Prefekt [1]

“The decision to give Ellac half of his troops is still one of the most ingenious decisions Attila has made. He had Ellac lead the Gepids and Ostrogoth, whos kings were personal friends of his and therefore deemed trust worthy, down the Axios river until they reached Thessaloniki. He in the mean time would fake an attack on Constantinople to draw the roman legions away from the rich Greek cities. The only problem was that Marcian had dug himself in at Adrianople. From here he could easily trap Attila between Constantinople’s walls and the roman army. He also was free to march west and fight Ellacs troops in Greece. Attila decided that the only way to deal with this problem, was to apply the things he learned in Aquilea: That a long drawn out siege was never desirable and that Romans assumed that a fleeing enemy was beaten. In the battle of Adrianople (20.2.453) he combined these two by having his army storming the garrison walls in vain only to pretend to be broken after a quarter of his army had fallen. Marcian could not let such an opportunity go to waste and chased after him, only to be lead into a trap and be almost completely annihilated. He fled back to the safety of Adrianople, but his force was no longer a threat to Attila or Ellac. And Attila decided that maybe the fake attack on Constantinople could become a real one.” - The battle of Adrianople, Leo of Thracia, Byzantine military historian [2]

“ ´O Brother, why had this to happen? Why do they burn our city?` ´Does the dog need a reason to bite? No only the whip of his owner prevents him from killing the babes in the street. Only the whips of the legions can now save us!` ´But the legions only follow the Emperor and the Emperor is a fool!` ´So then I shall become soldier and when I am master militium I shall depose the Emperor and crown myself, so that never again roman blood shall be spilled by barbarians.` ´Oh brother and then our love shall finally find a way.` ´Yes, if only the lights of this fire would finally fade, if it only were night and the legions came…` *he is shot by an arrow* ´Oh sister, my sister, I die, but the empire lives on! The legions shall come and avenge us, forward roman soldiers, strike every enemy of the Empire down and if it is the Emperor!` *dies*” -Battle of Thessaloniki, Flavius Byzantine Poet [3]


“3.7.453: We have finally reached the city. After month of gathering the troops and shipping them north we have reached Constantinople. Outside of my tent there are men from Antioch and Pergamon, from Tarsus and Ephesus, from Attalia and Lefkousia. Even beyond them is the blessed city of Constantinople and the only thing that separates us is a horde of thirty thousand Huns, Heruli, Rugii, Thuringii, Scirii and Alemanni. The emperor is nowhere to be seen. After another foolish ruler has brought the scourge of god upon us it seems, that me and Attila shall do battle one last time.” –entry eve of the battle of Constantinople, Diary of Zeno, Magister Militium Orientalis

“The king of the Goth to the rightful Roman Emperor. After we heard of your victory we knew there was no hope for our cause. Ardaric and I decided that it is best to seek peace with you. Ellac is dead. So are the few Huns that were in our army. We have heard that Dengizich has been slain. Ardaric has lead his men north. Now that Attila has only one son left there is a chance to liberate the Germans from his tyranny. We Goths hold Thessaloniki. We have given back all plunder to the city and are ready to return everything we took during our raid of Thebes and the other Greek cities. We are ready to surrender to you or the officer who chased us out of Greece. Just don’t force us to surrender to a man who lost all his battles and is the puppet of a foreigner. As a fellow warrior you surely understand that this is unacceptable for my men. Please know that I have send the same letter to your officer in Greece. I am preparing my men to march to meet the army of the men whose answer reaches us first. God bless you general Zeno. And blessed be all Christian people.” –letter from Theodemir to Zeno after the “Massaker of Thessaloniki” (21.9.453)

“I, Theodemir of the Ostrogoths, swear my people to everlasting loyalty to the Emperors of Rome and Constantinople. I swear to defend its borders to the north with my sword, my shield and my body if necessary. I swear to always remember the fate of the wretched Aspar, who in his hunger for power corrupted Emperor Marcians mind and almost doomed all of Christianity to be destroyed by the hand of the Huns. This I, Theodemir of the Ostrogoths, sweare in the name of the father, the son and the holy ghost.”
“And I Zeno, regent of the East Roman Empire, swear that no roman shall enter the lands of the Goths without their permission. That in their lands, they shall have their own laws, their own rites and their own customs, as long as they stay loyal to the crown. This I swear in the name of the father, the son and the holy ghost.” – The oaths of Adrianople between Theodemir and Zeno, 3.11.453

“After Emperor Marcian, who’s mind has been poisoned by Aspar, has resigned out of shame for his failings, the Empire needed a new ruler. The people have spoken. When you entered the city from every window it was heard: ´Zeno Caesar, Zeno Caesar!` And so I present you with the imperial wreath. May your rule be long and shall you bring wealth to the Empire. ZENO CEASAR! ZENO CEASAR AUGUSTUS!” – Zeno’s adjutant “spontaneously” asks him to become Emperor in place of Marcian, who will spend the rest of his days in a secluded monastery.(11.11.453)

[1] He is just sucking up to the Emperor.

[2] Without Asper his career came to a grinding halt.

[3] One of the worst plays of the 6th century. It still managed to become a classic in the 17th century.


Soooo, yeah first timeline ever, so of course if there is anything you would like to criticize just do it. Yeah I know the POD is pretty cliché, but hey, at least I didn't have Attila taking over Rome.
I will try to keep this TL pretty realistic, but sometimes there will be unrealistic things, but just remember what Tvtropes told us: Reality IS unrealistic. And it also makes for better story telling.
Just tell me quickly if I start to wank and/or become to cheesy in my writting. And that is all.
 
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If Attila is successfully taking Constantinople, maybe move the events of this a few years back. There were earthquakes in November 447 and January 448 making that much more plausible.

Or if he's not... then don't change anything and that's perfectly fine too.
 

Deleted member 43582

welcome to the board; a promising first post :)

Who defines the "lands of the Goths" and how at this point?


Zeno is settling the Ostrogoths were Valens settled the Visigoth. Following the same logic: "Let the Hunnic and Germanic barbarians kill each other before they become a problem for romans.
 

Deleted member 43582

If Attila is successfully taking Constantinople, maybe move the events of this a few years back. There were earthquakes in November 447 and January 448 making that much more plausible.

Or if he's not... then don't change anything and that's perfectly fine too.


K bit of explaining: Attila is a) pretty old by now (I estimated at least late 40ies probably mit fifties) b) Has lead three unsucessful campaigns against romans in three years (451 against Gallia , 452 against Italia and now 453 against Greece), therefore exausted his troops and the myth that he is unbeatable. This TL will not feature him a lot as a character and more as a trigger or wild card that brings change.
 
This TL will not feature [Attila] a lot as a character and more as a trigger or wild card that brings change.

In the immortal words of AC/DC front man Brian Johnson:

PULL THE TRIGGER!!!!!!!
(Shoot to Thrill):cool:
 
K bit of explaining: Attila is a) pretty old by now (I estimated at least late 40ies probably mit fifties) b) Has lead three unsucessful campaigns against romans in three years (451 against Gallia , 452 against Italia and now 453 against Greece), therefore exausted his troops and the myth that he is unbeatable. This TL will not feature him a lot as a character and more as a trigger or wild card that brings change.
Good. I thought you were going to have Attila conquer Constantinople; him trying and failing is much more interesting and realistic if no earthquakes are involved.
 

Deleted member 43582

Attila only speaks in CAPSLOCK.
Hey, I'm almost done with the second post and he has got about three sentences without caps lock. But what are gonna do he is Attila the fucking Hun. He, Leonidas and Dschingis are the only three historical leaders I can think of from the top of my head, who have the license to ALWAYS! TALK! LIKE! THIS!
 
Hey, I'm almost done with the second post and he has got about three sentences without caps lock. But what are gonna do he is Attila the fucking Hun. He, Leonidas and Dschingis are the only three historical leaders I can think of from the top of my head, who have the license to ALWAYS! TALK! LIKE! THIS!

I LIKE YOUR STORY!
 

Deleted member 43582

Thanks for all the nice reactions! So here we go:

Tommorow we ride!


“Aetius:
There is only one fathomable reason why you are here, you need me.
Valentinian: Why would we need you?
Aetius:
If I had to guess, I'd say that the Huns are on the move again and you and the rest of Rome are petrified with fear.
Petronius Maximus: Somebody is on the move. But it’s not the huns.
Aetius: So where is the challenge then?”[1]
“The Death of Aetius ACT II SCENE IV” by Flavius, Byzantine poet 6th century


2.1.454: The Danube was filled with bodies: Heruli, Rugii, even some Huns, but mostly Gepids. Ernakh glanced towards the big throne that had been put up so his father could take in all the destruction, the utter despair he had inflicted upon the Gepids. While he slouched in his throne he rested his feet on a decapitated body, while holding its head in his hand.
“And THIS is how the great khan treats those who try to oppose him. My dear Ardaric would you like to give one last order?” He used his hand to open the mouth of the head as if he was talking: “YES! ALL OF MY MEN SHALL BE SHORN AND BECOME SLAVES OF THE GREAT KHAN! THEIR WOMEN SHALL BE GIFTED TO THE HUNNISH MAN! AND THE CHILDREN SHALL BE GIFTS TO THE WISE GERMANIC TRIBES WHO RESISTED ARDARIC TREACHEROUS CALL FOR AN ALLIANCE!” “Well if the great king Ardaric says so it shall be done. Surely you have no problem with me claiming you wife and you daughters for myself do you?” He threw the head to one of his cattle dogs who immediately started eating of its face of. “I didn’t think so.”
Turning towards his soldiers the khan stood up gesturing to Ernakh to bring him his weapons.
“NOW LISTEN UP! TOMMOROW WE RIDE! THE HUNS WERE BORN TO RIDE! TO SWEEP ACROSS PLAINS AND BURNS EVERYTHING IN THEIR PATH! THE ALLEMANNI WHO ARE JUST AS TREACHEROUS AS THE GEPIDS HAVE FLED TO GALLIA! THE THURINGIANS HAVE DIFIED MY CALL TO ARMS AGAINST ARDARIC! AND THE MESSENGERS I SEND TO THE SAXONS WERE RETURNED WITHOUT HEADS! THE PROUD HUNNIC EMPIRE CAN NOT TOLERATE TO BE INSULTED IN SUCH A WAY! GERMANS! YOU HAVE TWO DAYS TO GATHER ALL YOUR MEN! ON THE THIRD DAY WE RIDE TO THE VISURGIS AND TO WAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!” The Huns uttered a noise that made all German cowards pray to their weakling carpenter god. It was like a collective shriek that lasted for 10 seconds and still hung in the air well beyond that. Ernakh came up besides his father drawing his sword: “Now is the hour! Riders of the Huns! Oath you have taken, now fulfill them all, TO KHAN AND HORDE!”

“Aetius: ´Only two years have passed since I battled with Attila on these plains. And you dare challenge me here Allemanni? You have fled from his oppression like many before you, but unlike the Burundians who now fight at my side, you have chosen the way of destruction. Well so it shall be. Were are the Goths?` Aggrippinus [2]: ´My lord Theoderic has refused your call. As we speak he gathers his troops like a knife to strike us in the back` Aetius: ´So he has chosen the way of treachery. Very well I shall strike him down after defeating the Allemanni. What has the Empire come to? That we cover in fear before barbarians? But fear not! Like we rose again after Brennus took Rome! Like we rose again after Cannae! Like all those times: WE SHALL RISE AGAIN! And if it takes decades of thousands of years! The empire shall never yield! THE EMPIRE PROTECTS!“ –The Death of Aetius Act III Scene V, Flavius, Byzantine Poet 6th century


[FONT=&quot]“Even as the third king after Theoderic is lying in his death bed it seems, that the old Roman lie that we abandoned Aetius and betrayed the Emperor will prevail. But was it not we who were betrayed? We were called to war and Theoderic swiftly began to gather supplies. When he heard, that Aetius had already struck down the Allemanni his heart was full of joy and he marched to greet Aetius outside of Bordeaux. But when the Goths sat down with their Roman friends to celebrate, the Roman cavalry began to charge their encampment. Only thanks to Theoderic’s wise leadership did we manage to win the day and slay the foul traitor. With tears in his eyes Theoderic stood before his men and told them, that if the Emperor saw them as foreign invaders, then they would be foreign invaders.” –Helmfrid, royal historian of Amalaric

“The Germanic treachery is further proven by the fact that, while Theoderic began his siege of Lutetia and marched towards the Rhone, Rechiar of the Suebs unleashed a storm against Hispania. The Battle of the Baetist was won by Rome, but at Toletum [3] and at the Iberus the Suebs prevailed. It seemed that the Empire would be lost to the traitors. But the great Valentinian crafted an alliance with Genseric the king of Vandals, whose heir had been betrothed to Valentinian’s daughter Eudocia. Along with that he offered the Baleares and Sardinia as a present to Genseric. Genseric was something that can rarely be found among barbarians: A man of honor. He set sail from Cartago and reached the Gallian shores and beat Theoderic near Nemausus. That combined with Aggrippinus’ victories in the north could have ended it all, but the curse that lay on the rule of Valentinian stayed with him until the end.” –Leo of Thracia, Byzantine military historian

“Aggrippinus: ´After all the battles all the hardship and all the sacrifices it comes down to this. Beaten by a king nobody knew. As I lie here releasing my last breath I look upon a land that I have never seen before. Aetius here you die. All that you strived for dies with me. Oh king please tell did you really slay a dragon once?` Merovech: ´Even if I didn’t after this day I have achieved even greater glory. From this day forward I shall be known as Merovech the Magisterslayer, for I have destroyed the last hope of the Romans to rule. But fear not. Your people will not fade away, for I will protect them against the storm that waits beyond the Rhine. On the Rhine we shall guard all of Christianity [4] against the heathens that rage beyond it.` Aggrippinus: ´And thus I die happy`” – The Death of Aetius Act V Scene IV, Flavius byzantine poet 6th century [5]

“The only link between Genseric and Rome was Valentinians rule. And when he was murdered there was nothing that stopped Genseric from turning his army around and marching on Rome. Aetius was dead Aggrippinus fought the Franks who had fled from Attila into Gallia and I had no free hand since our new Emperor Petronius Maximus feared my popularity. So it was no wonder that forty years after Alaric had burned it to the ground Rome was once more sacked, along with Genoa, Pisa and countless other cities and villages. Only the bravery of my legion and my tactical genius saved Naples from suffering the same fate. After I had defeated Genseric and he was brought before me I suddenly felt pity in my heart. This was no Attila; this was a man who had demanded his right from the foolish Petronius who thank god fell in the Sack of Rome. So I told him: ´Take your ships and set sail. And I do not want to see you or your men ever again in Italia or any of the islands of Corsica, Sardinia, Sicily, Malta, Mallorca Menorca or Ibiza. ` And thus the scourge of the Vandals was defeated. [6]” – Emperor Majorian “Bellum Vandalium”

“And during the reign of Hengist and Horsa it was also, that many ships from the homelands of the Saxons and Angles and Jutes and Frisians landed on our shore. They told of a giant who had come from the east. Brutal like a thousand trolls and sly like a thousand elves. He carried a mighty spear. And on that spear he carried around a talking head called Arda. And that head spoke judgment on all who dared oppose the giant. And Hengist said: Here you are safe. Giants can not cross the great waters, for the fear the great serpents who live in them. Stay with us. We are making this land our home. Without you it might have taken us ten thousand years. Now it is going to be just ten.” – Old Anglosaxon Saga, 5th century

[1]: Flavius uses his artistic license here. Valentinian did not let Aetius get close to him, because of his paranoia.
[2]: Again artistic license Aggrippinus was north in Lutetia and participated in the defense of the city.
[3]: Toletum was actually a tactical draw, but hey it sounds more intimidating for the Roman reader if all hope for the Romans is lost right?
[4]: Merovech was a heathen. Damn did Flavius actually read a history book? Majorian might have an inflated ego, but he did write accurately about the battle of Durocortorum
[5]: This is actually the only one of Flavius’ plays that deserves its status as a classic. It was also his first play. He died sad and alone.
[6]: Majorian is full of crap. For Starters Naples was a draw and Genseric retreated to Africa because he had achieved everything he wanted to achieve in Italy i.e. plunder and Zeno has sent and expedition force to northern Africa to “help” the Westromans. So there was no reason for Genseric to stay and fight a pointless war.

Yeah this one was a bit of a cluster fuck, but I think that Theoderic refusing to help Aetius is the only real stretch of imagination. The rest follows naturally. And think about it: If you father died only one and a half years ago after following a call to arms, plus you have to possibility to conquer all of Gaul for your people? Well I would do it. Historians also still debate over who betrayed whom. My guess is that Theoderic felt insulted by something in the wording of Aetius call (something that implied that he was obligated to follow the call and therefore a servant) and took that as an excuse to go to war.

Again all kinds of feedback are welcome!

(And I promise not every year is going to be as full of events as these last two)

[/FONT]
 
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It is thick with flavor, like a fine cheesecake, and I mean that in a good way. I really like cheesecake. There's nothing cheesy in your work here, mind you, it was just the first thing that came to mind when contemplating something good and heavy with good flavor. I hope you understand.

Translation:

"GOOD!"
 

Deleted member 43582

Since I have been preparing this TL for quite a while I have a lot of buffer (I have rough plans until ca.704). But since I want to really make this TL interesting, while also keeping butterflies to a minimum (the first draft from seven month ago ended with an industrialized China that inveted communism in the 19th century. It also had colonized indonesia and a muslim chinese Washington expy led a war of independence against the "Neokonfuzian" opressors. yeah this is why I am afraid of becoming to cheesy) I wanted to give a few spotlights into the future and hear what your opinion is. So here goes:
1. The most pressing thing right now are the Sassanids. In OTL they kept quiet until 502 and where preoccupied with internal struggles and repelling turkic and hunnic invaders. While I would like to meddle there a bit I dont think it would be justified to see any change in Persia until they actually interacted with Byzantium. Sure the Butterflies will have passed the border before that in some points (mesopotamia, the vasallkingdoms in the Kaukasus etc.), but i dont think that they could weaken/strengthen/stabilize/destabilize the empire enough to justify a radical change. What I am saying is that I would like to sideline Persia for more or less 50 years and come back to it once the big wars start.
2. Religion. or for that matter Arianism vs. catholicism vs. Irishstyle monastery catholicism. Or to be more precise: The franks will (probably) not be AS dominant in this TL asa they were in ours. So nobody will care if Clovis or who ever converts to catholicism. I am very intrigued by the idea of a Europe of more "national" or better "royal" churches via Arianism. The pope would lose power and would not be such a bugger later on (no crusades or investiture conflict for example). This would close some oportunities but also open other opportunities (for example Crystal Dragon Jesus, since Germanic Arian Jesus was a warrior prince-> therefore maybe Warrior priest, reintroduction of animal sacrifice etc.). Also the irish church has always been pretty special and the time where ireland has influenced Europe the most is the 6th century when they began to spread christianity. These problem are still pretty far off and won't influence the Tl for at least 100 years or more, but I stil would like to have them prepared. For that I would ask. If there is someone who knows something about teh Arian chruches actual internal structure and how much power it had inside of the respective tribes? Also the irish before the became again more Rome dominated, how exactly was their church organised?

3. Yeah this is stil far in the future but still new frontiers and all... can some body point me to good source i could use for India between the years of 630-690? The butterflies will reach them around 650, but I would like some background. Wikipedia is a mess in this case.

So to summarize: Is it ok to sideline persia?
Can Arianism really become equal to the Catholic church (just so you know catholicism will definetely prevail in Italy and most likely in Spain too)?
And could i have some good info on India.


Thanks in advance!
 

Deleted member 43582

A tradition this city was founded upon

“Even while my city was plundered by the Goths,
I still felt relief when I heard the message.
The man who had ripped apart the old and had become the king of change
had been defeated.
The Romans have proven themselves to be the weaker people
and the future belongs to the stronger northern people.
But I fret what will come.
For the good ones on both sides have long fallen.”
Ending of “Attila the Hun” by Paulus of Barcelona[1]

March 457, Cartago: Genseric stood inside an old roman palace in Cartago. From here he had the best possible view on the fleet in the bay. The mighty Vandal fleet had suffered some casualties during the war against Rome four years ago, but now it was fully restored to its former glory. The old king allowed himself a smile. In his life he had looked for many things. As youth he looked for a new home, in Italia he looked for plunder. Now he looked for a conquest. And even thou he would have liked to take on the Romans he did not have enough troops to muster more than small raids, especially now, with Burgundian troops stationed in the whole remaining empire. But there was another grape that he could pick. It may not have been as sweet as the Italian one, but this one was ready to be taken. A door opened behind him. “What do our spies report?” “The situation hasn’t changed. The Suebs may have won the war against the Roman Empire, but the war against the Roman people is exhausting them.” “Good. One of my slaves tells me that the Carthaginians once ruled Spain from the Pyrenees to the Pillars of Hercules. Don’t you think we should honor a tradition this city was founded upon?” [2]
 
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Deleted member 43582

Bump. Yes I am an attention whore.

I am working on the next update don't worry.
 
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