Iron and Longships, A Vinland TL

I Marathoned through a bunch of Epic Rap Battles of History so I made this...
Enjoy.



Leif Eriksson:
Hey mother fucker! Is that some new land?
Oh no, It's your mama to give you a helping hand!
Because you know you'll need it before you misunderstand
I found America before your pasty Italian ass,
When I’m finished here, they’ll put you in a cast.
Vinland is the best and it’s greater than the rest,
And it’s off to the West you’re gonna fail this test,
Cause you just got to obsessed with some bitch’s damn gold,
I live to be bold, and you would just get cold.
and just so you know, and for all to behold,
I won this battle,
but it doesn’t even matter,
Cause I got to go back to fucking Leifsstadir!

Christopher Columbus:

Wipe off that stupid grin cause you know I’m gonna win,
When I’m done with you they’ll inform your next of kin.
You know they say your rhymes are a crying shame.
But to me they are so plain, that they put me in pain,
I’ll shove a flag up your ass, and claim you for Spain!
You’re just some old news that refuses to lose,
Let me call up by buddies in Veracruz.
I sailed the blue in fourteen ninety-two,
You got a wack ass beard,
you must be really damn weird.
Your mother didn’t complain when we were fucking,
She was pissed that her kid was just some damn Viking.

Leif Eriksson:

500 years before you, oh yes I was,
I found Vinland, according to the Icelanders' Sagas
Nice Halloween costume, where can I get one?
oh, never mind, I want none.
I’ll turn you into a Bloody Eagle!
You’ll wish Charles Darwin brought you on the fucking Beagle.
Dude, I founded where you live, sucker!
Try to rap against me again and I'll fuck your mother!
I'll slice that slut, like no one ever was,
Grow a beard like me, you don't even have peach fuzz!

Christopher Columbus:

What’s that? I just heard a dumbass whining,
You gotta listen like me, and have expert timing!
Your ass is poor, do I have to say more?
I’m a badass mofo, yo just a homo,
I’m motherfuckin’ Cristobal, you’re the worst national hero!
 
Ok firstly, that last bit? :eek::D

Secondly, I enjoyed the last update very much; I await with bated breath the next one, and how Vinland will end up developing. Other than that, my only question is will we see a distinction in culture between the Northern settlements, and those in the warmer South (in a mirror of OTL)?

As a side note, what of Castilla la Nueva? Will they keep that (admittedly clumsy) name, or accept their new location as more or less permanent? Also, what of the local population there (incorporated, dying off from disease, being replaced, etc.)?
 
Ok firstly, that last bit? :eek::D

Secondly, I enjoyed the last update very much; I await with bated breath the next one, and how Vinland will end up developing. Other than that, my only question is will we see a distinction in culture between the Northern settlements, and those in the warmer South (in a mirror of OTL)?

As a side note, what of Castilla la Nueva? Will they keep that (admittedly clumsy) name, or accept their new location as more or less permanent? Also, what of the local population there (incorporated, dying off from disease, being replaced, etc.)?

1: Thank you, I'm glad my rapping skills can be recognized:cool:

2: Well as it stands in Vinland the northern areas are more or less a variant of Old Norse Cultured from around Nyr Jorvik (Niwe Eoforwic has had so many traders come in that Old Norse is replacing Anglo-Saxon in linguistics) to northern Markland. The other regions are mostly Anglo-Saxon cultured but given how close the culture and language is (the two are completely interchangeable with one another like Danish and Norwegian IOTL for example) it would take alot of time for the differences to become really noticeable.

3: Well IOTL they called their stuff in Mexico "New Spain" up until it gained independence so it would be fully possible for them to keep the name for a long time. When/if they recognize they will never get Castile back it still might not change since it is a part of their history. The Native population has been more or less integrated with the Castilians since unlike OTL they need lots of help in this new world so by necessity they are being nice to the natives. Who by now have already been hit by smallpox since it has been 152 years since its introduction to North America.
 
1152, Dyflinjorfurr border fort, Southwestern Vinland

“God this is such a boring post.” Said a young blond haired man with green eyes who looked to be in his early 20’s. Standing on top of a wooden wall in the fort designed to guard against Skraeling attacks and enforce the Allvaldr’s rule in the region. Dyflinjorfurr was located in a very southern position in Vinland on a Twenty-seven Mile Bluff on the main river in this area. It was Vinland’s westernmost area and close to the Sea that formed Vinland’s southern border. (OTL Mobile Alabama)


“You knew when you joined the military that you would be deployed to far off and exotic places, so you might as well deal with it.” Said a second man, this one with deep black hair, bright blue eyes, and a darker shade of skin who appeared to be in his early 20’s as well.


“You have a far greater capacity for this skíta (shit) than I do Nuka.” Said the blond.


“That’s because my father wasn’t some Thegn from the Central Colonies that was born into wealth like yours.” Nuka replied, “Me and my dad had to work for what we got.”


“And you got Thralls.” The blond replied, “How many did you say again? 15? 20?”


“35.” Nuka replied, “It took some time but the people warmed up to my father eventually when he married my mother, one of the Thralls, and had me and my brother.”


“I still don’t understand how they can warm up to your father after he took them from their homes and forced them to work.” The blond said.


“He did nothing of the sort, true he did take control of them but he did so after their Chief challenged him to an honour duel after my dad killed the man’s heirs because they were trying to steal his horses.” Nuka stated, “When he won he became, by their customs, the new chief of the tribe. My mother was the first daughter of the previous chief, I’m a form of royalty you could say.”


“Heh, not enough to get you on the Althing though.” The blond chuckled.


“Perhaps if my father’s wealth grows my brother’s sons’ sons might.” Nuka said, “But that is far off from now. What do you think Erlend? You think my family has a shot at glory?”


“Well it would be based off of your brother, not you.” Erlend said, “Since he is the first born he will inherit all your father’s land and property, including your Skraeling Thralls.”


“Yeah I know how the laws and customs work.” Nuka replied sarcastically.


“Hey you asked my opinion.” Erlend retorted, “Personally I think if your brother’s descendents work hard enough they could become Allvaldr one day. But it would take at least a hundred years, maybe more, especially given how much influence the Markland dynasty has had since the last 3 Allvaldr and the heir are all of that Earl’s house.”


“Petty politics bores me. I’d rather fight for the Allvaldr rather than try to become him.” Nuka said, “My brother has a talent for it though. I hope he and his wife have a happy and rich life.”


“You always were a bit sentimental, even during our deployment in Suðnes (South Peninsula, OTL Florida) against those Skraeling that razed that settlement.” Erlend said, “Any other man would have killed the lot of them, you convinced the commander to keep them alive, if only to work as Thralls.”

“And I stand by my decision.” Nuka retorted, “Now come on, we need to patrol the walls.”

The two of them stood and spent the next few house pacing along the western wall, back and forth with the occasional stop for breath. They talked about more or less meaningless things like new postings, when the new shipment of Tobacco would arrive, and the roster of local women. Walking it is plain to tell the difference in equipment between the two men.

Erlend was equipped with a layer of chain mail, leather underarmour, and thicker leather armour on his chest with leather gloves and boots as well as a rounded Iron helmet. He carried a sword at his belt along with a dagger strapped to his leg and a rounded wooden shield with an iron center that bulged out for smashing into people. There was also a small utility axe hanging from his belt clanking with every step he took as the iron head hit his chainmail.

Nuka had thick leather armour that covered his whole body but no chain mail but had a leather helmet and archers’ greaves to protect his wrists. He had a Recurve Bow slung on his back and several arrows in his Quiver along with a medium sized Axe on his waist as well, for close up combat.

In particular his bow was unique as it was the design used by the people around the area he lived in the Southern Colonies and was strung and shaped by them. It was noticeably better than the ones that were used in the military but they didn’t care too much for archery as in the wooded areas that soldiers need to fight in Bows are only good for ambushes, which is difficult with the semi-nomadic population of Skraeling that lived there.

Erlend and Nuka continued their patrols until their commanding officer relieved them and placed two other men to take their place on the western wall. All in all it was a boring day for Nuka and Erlend, perhaps tomorrow would be more exciting.
 
WAR WITH THE ROMANS

1152-1157
A succession crisis has erupted in Poland. Legally the crown of Poland was to be inherited by a close relative, named Canute, of King Sweyn II the Peaceful of Scandinavia-Brittania as of the state in 1152 due to the marriages within the two crowns. However in 1157 the first, second, and third born sons of King Sweyn both died to disease, an outbreak of smallpox in Roskilde to be specific. This left the 9 year old Canute (the third in Scandinavia-Brittania and the first in Poland) as heir to both thrones.

1157-1161
Now this worried the other countries of Europe considerably, the addition of Poland into Scandinavia-Britannia would have been disastrous for their own influence. Not to mention that rulership over the Polish dioceses would have made them capable of basically running the papacy. As such the Holy Roman Emperor Otto the sixth, with the approval of the papacy, issued an ultimatum. Keep the crowns separate, or there will be war. King Sweyn II, truthful to his title of “the Peaceful”, agreed and got ready with making babies. However unfortunately for Sweyn by the time of the year 1161, when he died of a heart attack, he had only produced a single child, a female one. So with his death the crown of Scandinavia-Brittania passed to Canute, now 13 years old. Still not quite of age for a kingdom however so he had a regent, Jarl Erik of Skåne in Scandinavia-Britannia and Duke Mieszko in Poland. Canute himself stayed in Roskilde mostly. Upon the crowning of Canute as king of Scandinavia-Brittania the Holy Roman Empire declared war upon it with the sanction of the pope. The king of Poland had also died so Canute was king of Poland to, so the Holy Roman Empire declared war on Poland in addition to Scandinavia-Britannia.

1161-1163
The opening years of the war saw little fighting on both sides as they got ready, Emperor Otto VI had to deal with some opposition from Italian nobility, who were more worried with Muslims and Greeks than Vikings. But eventually he got some levies from them but still not the size mandated to the Italians as feudal vassals of the Emperor. So the Imperial Army’s great host of 155,000 men gathered. 100,000 Germans, 20,000 Italians, the King of Bohemia’s 15,000, and 20,000 hired mercenaries. They were met by Herliðsveits from all across Scandinavia-Brittania, numbering about 120,000 men, and the Polish army of 40,000, they hired no mercenaries. The sides were more or less equally matched on land.

However the sea was a different story entirely. Within 6 months the entire naval force of the Holy Roman Empire was destroyed by the Skipsveits in the North and Irish Seas. With that raiding begun along the Frisian coastline and Baltic coasts of the Holy Roman Empire. Due to previous fortification from earlier Viking raids these areas were ready to fend of raids from Scandinavia-Britannia but it did succeed in destroying the trade of the Holy Roman Empire as now it was impossible to get goods into Germany by sea due to the dominance of the waves that Scandinavia-Britannia had in the North Sea.

This forced the Holy Roman Empire to redirect their trade either overland or through Italy and over the Alps. The Alps however are not too good with transporting large amounts of goods northwards to a country at war so the Holy Roman Empire’s trade plummeted. However this was foreseen by Emperor Otto VI, who had taken several precautions beforehand, including expansion of road networks in the Alps so that rather than next to no foreign supplies it could be a small amount. Venice profited immensely as a result and gained considerable influence in the war despite not being a combatant.

1163-1166
On land it was not nearly as one sided as even with these drawbacks to trade the Holy Roman Empire was still an Empire with a large host to invade Scandinavia-Britannia. The first fighting of the war took place in Pommerania, that fell fully to Holy Roman forces within 3 years of combat. The main thing that held them up was the islands just off the coast that were protected by the navy but were eventually seized.

After the fall of Pommerania the host of Otto VI turned its attention towards Poland and marched to the East. This was also the place where the Scandinavia-Brittanian Herliðsveits were gathering to work with their Polish counterparts. The area around Schlesvig-Holstein saw only a few raids during this phase of the war since it was such a narrow location and filled with fortifications where the defender had too much of an advantage for an attacker to take anything that could change the outcome of the war. By now Canute III was 16 and of age to rule the countries he had the crowns of. However his regent Jarl Erik of Skåne maintained a commanding position in Scandinavia-Brittannia since the King was in Poland overseeing the war effort in order to give the troops a boost to their moral, being led by the King of their nation.

The opening phase of the war in Poland was overall favourable to Canute’s forces. They were able to beat the Imperial army at several key locations and seize it’s vassal in Pommeralia. However in the south the Bohemian army made headway into Poland, making a beeline for the capital of Krakow and the more populated southern regions of Poland in an attempt to cut off much of the manpower and money that come from Poland.

This was a serious problem for Canute since it would destabilize his position as King of Poland if he was seen as losing the war or failing to protect Poland and Polish interests. As such Canute needs to turn his army around, leaving behind men in Pommeralia to guard it from the Imperial army that is regrouping near Berlin. The march through Poland is a very fast forced march and they meet the Bohemian army several miles west of Krakow in 1166.

The ensuing battle is a bloody slugging match as Bohemian forced have been cut off from their line of supply and have left a trail of razed cities in their place as they loot to sustain the advance towards Krakow. However they leave behind much of the loot that is not edible since it would bog them down if they took too many gold or other valuables with them and thus slow down the advance.

The battle started with the two sides testing each other with skirmishers for a few hours to find that half of Canute’s army was held up further back and that the current for facing the Bohemians was mostly cavalry. Canute found the Bohemian forced encamped on a hill with a rocky face to the east while the west had a gentle slope that would force Canute to attack uphill and with a lack of non-cavalry forces he was at an extreme disadvantage. He did however outnumber the Bohemians 4 to 1, 80,000 of Canute’s men versus 15,000 Bohemians and 5,000 mercenaries.

Canute, being the one in charge, was the one who had the authority to commence the attack when they needed to. His advisors stressed the importance of waiting for the rest of his slower, more heavily armoured, forces to arrive in the next few days so they would not have to rely on heavy cavalry, light cavalry, and light infantry during the fighting. Canute did not like the idea of waiting though since the Imperial army had regrouped and was about to go retake Pommeralia. If Canute could beat the Bohemians now, before he needed to wait for his other men, he could turn around and meet up with them at the Pommeralian border and beat the Imperial army.

Impatient was Canute as he ordered his attack upon the Bohemians, his generals and advisors going along with it, praying to their lord Jesus Christ that they shall be victorious this day. The men formed up their lines, their right flank, and their left flank. Officers took to their positions and men took to their positions. Bohemians scrambled to get their quickly created defenses manned, their stakes set up, their pikes sharpened, their swords at the ready, their bows limber, and their horses eager. Ready for the battle the armies stood in silence until one loud piercing word was heard.

“Forward!”

Vinland 17.png
 
Nice update.

Uphill, with only one line of attack, and without heavy infantry? Even if they are outnumbered, it would seem the Bohemians should be able to hold off the Scandinavia-Britannia forces. I'm hoping history won't call the king "Canute the Impatient" for this.
 
Nice update.

Uphill, with only one line of attack, and without heavy infantry? Even if they are outnumbered, it would seem the Bohemians should be able to hold off the Scandinavia-Britannia forces. I'm hoping history won't call the king "Canute the Impatient" for this.

They are outnumbered 4-1, Canute is running off the idea that his numbers will give him victory over the high ground advantage and single general area to attack that the Bohemians have,
 
I am thinking about doing another version of this TL, with a thousand or so percent more Hungarians in the New World.
Would the subscribers of this TL be interested in it?
 
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